5 Ways ‘The Office’ Would Be Different In 2019

As the modern world crumbles around us, The Office remains a beacon of hope, a reminder of simpler times, and hands-down one of the best ways to put off solving your actual problems. Whether you’re pre-gaming, recovering from a hangover, or not an alcoholic, The Office is the perfect soundtrack, and the number of hours I’ve spent watching and re-watching in my life is probably frightening. Because fans in 2019 can’t leave well enough alone, there’s of course been an uproar about getting an Office reboot. But Steve Carell says a reboot would never work—and when Michael Scott talks, you listen.

Carell makes some decent points: “The show is way more popular now than when it was on the air,” he noted, adding, “I just can’t see it being the same thing, and I think most folks would want it to be the same thing, but it wouldn’t be.” When people still wouldn’t leave him alone, he clarified further: “I just wouldn’t want to make the mistake of making a less good version of it.” TBH, I’m on board for that kind of thinking—how many really successful reboots have we seen anyway? Aren’t they always at least a little disappointing? That being said, all this talk of a reboot got me curious about how The Office would be different in 2019. Here are all my predictions—just in case Carrell changes his mind.

Even Michael Wouldn’t Have An Office

The first and most obvious: 2019’s obsession with open-plan offices would ensure even Michael didn’t get a space of his own. (And Ryan can forget about having a divider between him and Kelly.) While Michael might fuss initially (remember when he and Jim traded jobs for a few hours?), ultimately he would use the new arrangement to distract his employees more than ever. Also, can you imagine what he would do with access to Slack? He’d send inappropriate GIFs all day long—and because he can see everyone around him, he wouldn’t leave them alone until they responded. Honestly, the whole branch might have shut down if Michael didn’t have an office—so in that sense, Carrell is right that it couldn’t work in 2019.

Dwight Would Be Obsessed With Bitcoin

Knowing almost nothing about Bitcoin, doesn’t this just seem true? Dwight’s all about unusual forms of currency (Schrute bucks, anyone?), and while his battle against the machine to sell more paper left him less than fond of technology, I’m sure a modern-day Dwight would come around. A 2029 Office reboot would probably show Dwight having become a billionaire from investing in Bitcoin early, and Jim feeling like a real idiot for how much he mocked him.

Ryan Would Be Selling Everyone’s Data

In keeping with 2019’s obsession with scammers, Ryan—already a scammer in his own right—would have gladly upped the ante of his schemes. The Dunder Mifflin website wouldn’t have just been a way to inflate sales data, it would have been some Zuckerberg-meets-Fyre Festival hoodwink that actually didn’t work as a paper-selling website at all, but had people enter enough information that third-party companies were willing to pay. Ryan would have planned to secretly collect all the profits and finally take that trip to Thailand, but being Ryan, he would have messed up and gotten caught anyway. Kelly might have caught him, actually—she knows enough about what online shopping sites look like to know a scam when she sees it.

Creed Would Be Exactly The Same

Creed is timeless. He would have equally little idea what his job entails, continue growing mung beans in his desk, and still be selling fake IDs to kids in town. Nothing Creed is involved in has substantially changed in 2019, because Creed lives in a world of his own creation. Things like “current events” and “logic” do not apply to him, and for that we are grateful.

Angela Would Be A Pence Supporter

This one’s a little darker, but too obvious to ignore. Hyper-religious Angela would be thrilled to have such a vocal (or rather, non-vocal) Christian in the White House. Remember when Pence said he wouldn’t eat with a woman who wasn’t his wife? That kind of comment is like catnip to Angela (even more than regular catnip, which she probably enjoys too.). Instead of fighting with Oscar over a poster of babies dressed up as jazz musicians, she would have fought with him over a Pence poster she wanted to hang. On the bright side, her eventually marrying a straight-laced politician who turns out to be gay could have been a fun and pointed allegory for what’s really going on with Pence.

Ultimately, The Office in 2019 would be a little more grim and a little more high-stakes for our beloved cast of coworkers. Hey, that’s what happens when we’re facing eight different versions of the apocalypse—and looking at my predictions, I’m very glad that Steve Carrell isn’t down to reboot anytime soon.

Images: Giphy (5)

Cardi B Pretends To Like Pepsi In New Super Bowl Commercial

The Super Bowl is less than a week away, which means I should probably Google which teams are playing. Or not. Whatever. But what it really means is that all the brands are starting to release their big Super Bowl commercials, I guess because even the advertisers know that all the guys at your Super Bowl party are going to talk over the commercials and you won’t be able to hear anything. If I had to make predictions, I’d say that we’ll probably see a ton of Budweiser commercials, some random ads that will make you cry, maybe a good Dorito’s one, and a lot of celebrities schilling products they’d never actually use. In the spirit of that last category, let’s talk about the brand new Pepsi ad that just dropped this morning.

The commercial is called “More Than OK,” and it features appearances by Steve Carell, Lil Jon, and, most importantly, Cardi B. That sounds like the beginning of a bad joke, and I’ve got to wonder what amphetamine-fueled meeting conceived of this grouping of people. The premise of the ad is that someone tries to order Coke at a restaurant and the waiter asks if Pepsi is okay, and I’ve got to say, I appreciate that Pepsi is finally saying what we’ve all been thinking our entire lives. I hope Coke comes out with this exact commercial, but the woman ordering says “No of course Pepsi isn’t okay” and the commercial ends there.

But anyway, back to Cardi B. I do find it pretty interesting that Cardi is agreeing to do Super Bowl ads, considering that she turned down the halftime show over the NFL’s treatment of Colin Kaepernick. Like, Pepsi isn’t personally responsible, but Cardi is still profiting off the Super Bowl, even if indirectly. It’s a little questionable of a move, but then again, I’m not one to fault a woman for getting her check.

Cardi B’s political choices aside, Pepsi clearly spent a lot of money putting this commercial together. Super Bowl ad time is unbelievably expensive, and celebs aren’t cheap either. I did some digging, and found out what all of these stars typically charge as a booking fee. Lil Jon is the cheapest of the bunch, at 25-40K, but Cardi B can go as high as half a million dollars. I’m not positive about Steve Carell, but by the time he left The Office, he was making several hundred thousand dollars per episode, so I’m sure he made a nice chunk of Pepsi change. The best part is that Pepsi was able to book all these celebrities directly through the Fyre app! Just kidding, that app was conceptually flawed from the beginning!

Pepsi has a long history of paying top celebrities to be in its commercials, from iconic ads with Michael Jackson and Britney Spears to train wrecks like the Kendall Jenner commercial. You know who doesn’t really do that sh*t? Coke. Pepsi totally knows—and now outwardly admits—that nobody wants to drink their product, so they constantly chase after the biggest star they can get to say they like it. But just like the Kardashians hawking waist trainers on Instagram, there are plenty of people who will buy something just because a celebrity claims to use it.

Images: Shutterstock; Pepsi / YouTube