Making fun of someone’s appearance is wrong. Making fun of a man for the very natural process of losing his hair is also wrong. Unless that person is a racist monster who goes on television to justify the president’s most horrific policies. Then say whatever the f*ck you want. Stephen Miller crawled out of the haunted well he is cursed to live in to appear on Face the Nation this weekend where he attempted to defend the Trump administration’s plan to shut the government down over wall funding. Miller tried his best to make the case for “border security” but unfortunately, no one could focus on the horrifying things that came out of his mouth because they were too focused on the horrifying thing that had appeared on his head.
Seriously guys, as Progressives we should not be making fun of Stephen Miller for his spray-on hair, we should be making fun of Stephen Miller for his half-baked Nazi policies AND his spray-on hair pic.twitter.com/CXnNZjMyYo
— Zack Bornstein (@ZackBornstein) December 16, 2018
Looks like Stephen loves his boss so much, he went to the same stylist. Can someone tell these men that they can just like…be bald? My grandpa was bald and he f*cking rocked. Can someone also tell them that if you make one hundred TV appearances with no hair and then suddenly show up on TV with hair (“hair” being a generous term for whatever the f*ck Miller has going on), people will notice? Obviously the internet has been buzzing with theories about what the f*ck could have possibly happened to the top of Stephen Miller’s head. I, for one, did not know that a human being could become pixelated.
Here are our best guesses as to what could have possible happened to Millennial Hitler – I mean Stephen Miller.
1. His Barber Is In The Resistance
I mean, who the f*ck would do this to someone they had even the smallest amount of respect for? There had to be someone, somewhere, who signed off on this hairstyle for Miller, and whoever that is is my new personal hero.
When Dems take back the White House every single person who could have stopped Stephen Miller from getting spray on hair but didn’t should win the Congressional Medal of Freedom pic.twitter.com/k4vsu7TJyh
— Alise Morales (@AliseNavidad) December 16, 2018
2. He Wanted To Make Trump Feel Better
Stephen is one of Trump’s biggest supporters, and we all know the Donald is insecure about his hair situation. Maybe Stephen was trying to suck up to his boss by pioneering a new, even more absurd way to cover up the fact that you are balding? It’s basically the toxic masculinity version of when one friend gets cancer and other friends shave their heads in solidarity.
3. He Fell Asleep On It
Remember how Miller was caught sleeping through a meeting earlier this year? You know how sometimes you take a casual nap and when you wake up it looks like a bomb exploded on your head? Maybe Stephen Miller had amazing hair, but then he took a nap and it got all f*cked up. That would explain why his entire forehead looks like when I try to correct my eyeliner but end up just smudging it more.
4. His Hair Has Not Loaded Properly
You know how sometimes when you have a sh*tty internet connection whatever Netflix show you’re binge-watching won’t properly load, forcing you to watch Paul Hollywood give handshakes in low-def? Maybe that has somehow happened to Stephen Miller’s head. The rest of his body has (unfortunately) loaded in HD, but there’s some lag on the top of his head. In my limited knowledge of technology, this makes sense to me.
Stephen Miller’s hair looks like PlayStation 1. pic.twitter.com/c24X4nNSPt
— Kumail Nanjiani (@kumailn) December 16, 2018
5. It’s Spray On Hair
Soooo yeah, insanely enough, this is the truth. Stephen Miller – who has appeared on television many, many times – woke up one morning, sprayed hair onto his own head, and thought no one would notice. This man is in charge of immigration policy in the United States. Think about that.
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The Trump Administration is still all about trying to make this “travel ban” thing happen, despite the disastrous rollout of Travel Ban 1.0 earlier this year. Now, much like a child who pissed his pants during class, Trump is looking for a second chance at making life harder for Muslims traveling to America with a new and improved (depends on how you define “improve”) travel ban that is less likely to be immediately set on fire by the courts. Unlike the OG ban, the new version does not include Iraq, because I guess somebody told the president it’s not a good look to spend eleven years fucking up a country and then ban that country’s people from coming to yours, but does still include Iran, Yemen, Syria, Libya, Somalia and Sudan from obtaining visas for at least 90 days. The new ban also removed language that indefinitely banned Syrian refugees and prioritized Christians over Muslims fleeing war-torn countries. So I guess the Christians will have to just wait until they arrive in America before receiving their preferential treatment.
Instead, the order suspends admission of refugees for 120 days while U.S officials can implement their “extreme vetting” program, whatever tf that actually means. The ban also no longer includes green card holders, meaning the hot Iranian transfer in your econ class is safe (and sexy.)
The biggest difference between the original ban and the new version, aside from the fact that it fucks over slightly less people, is that it was actually written by lawyers and not Tweedle Dick and Tweedle Dumbass, known in political circles as “Steve Bannon” and “Stephen Miller.” As you may recall, the original travel ban was a full-on legal shitshow because, as the president now knows, lawyers are a really important part of writing laws.
The new travel ban will go into effect March 16th. I guess the drunks in the Trump Admin (coughSTEVEBANNONcough) don’t want any immigrants showing up and ruining their St. Patrick’s day with their immigrant concerns like “safety” and “living in a house.” So like, is this travel ban better? Well, depends on how you define “better.” Is eating a cup of shit better than eating two cups of shit? Sure. But you’re still eating shit. So yeah, this new travel ban is basically the same as eating a cup of shit….every day….for four years…
Remind me how this makes America great, again?