Let me just start off by saying for those who don’t know: I am on the runaway hit, renewed-for-a-second-season show Summer House and there is a rumor that I started they want to nominate me for an Emmy, so you know everything in this article is completely true and a proven fact.
Memorial Day is upon us which marks the New Yorkers’ official start of 12 weeks of starvation summer. If you haven’t been prepping for this weekend for the last IDK… like eight weeks or so, you’re probably fucked, but you can still starve yourself all week and maybe Stassi can tell you where to get a turtleneck swimsuit. (Love you, Stassi.)
I’m going to assume you already have a place to stay or at least a place to crash or something. If you are looking for a summer house this late in the game you might as well give up unless you want to be on TV (wink).
There are some great hotels out East, but they can be expensive and if I started laying out how to get a sugar daddy this post would just get really long and I think I may be liable if something happens. You can figure it out though… I believe in you.
There are four ways to get to the Hamptons and I’ll break them down in order of most to least desirable:
1. Helicopter: LIVE YOUR BEST LIFE. I’ve literally offered kidneys, livers, every organ (and I mean every) for an extra seat.
2. Car: By car I mean SUV because that can be a LONG ride. On a Friday, I’ve had the 90 mile drive take five and a half hours. The benefit is you can stop whenever and you are just with your friends. Tip: there is a Taco Bell like 20 miles in.
3. Bus: Luxury Liner is the best bus option. I mean it says luxury in the name and they offer free SmartWater and Skinny Pop. BYE.
4. Train: I’ve never felt more like an extra on the set of Slumdog Millionaire in my life. It’s crowded. It’s hot. Someone smells. And when you’re on that platform waiting, the real ugly side of people can come out in order to get a seat when those doors open.
CONGRATULATIONS. You’ve finally made it. Hopefully you arrive and find your accommodations like this:
Believe it or not, I can be rugged sometimes, but the Hamptons is NOT one of those times you want to be adventurous unless it’s in the bedroom (Google “Sir Ivan’s Castle” if you’re brave). If you arrive anywhere with “RV” or “campground” in the name, scroll back up and reverse your travel ASAP.
Hopefully you have a good group you’re staying with, but also hopefully there is someone you can talk about behind their back because this is Betches. Hi.
I like to have a nice mix of good friends and the acquaintances—it keeps it interesting.
IMPORTANT: Do not bring anyone that you have been dating for less than two months. Things get stressful at times when you’re drunk and trying to figure out where you left your phone and everyone changes a little out East… this will definitely break your relationship. I learned this lesson on one of my first big trips to Montauk.
I had been going on like, regular dates with this guy and he was so hot. He had met my friends so I thought bringing him to a weekend in Montauk would be an amazing way to really make this a lasting relationship. The day after this photo way taken was the last day I saw him and if he happens to read this I have one message:
Go fuck yourself / if it’s after 3am you can text me.
IT’S TIME TO PARTY
First of all, Memorial Day Weekend is known for being like the box of chocolates of weather. It could be nice, sunny and amazing, but probably it will be kind of cold, overcast, and raining. At the time of me writing this, which is 3:30am and I’m drunk inspired, the weather is going to be complete shit. Bring your layers, because I don’t want to hear anyone complaining they are cold—and no, you cannot wear my jacket. I’m chivalrous, but we also have the weather app.
Second, if you are in East Hampton or Montauk, there is no Uber and you will literally want to kill yourself slowly with shards of empty rosé bottles unless you take this next piece of advice. Always have lots of cash for cabs and take out your phone right now and put this number in your contacts:
Montauk’s Best Taxi
631-668-8444
They are not paying me to do this… that’s just how much they saved my life last summer. One time the Wirkus Twins and I were literally crying trying to get a cab and it was complete chaos. Everyone was running to jump in when any cab pulled up, whether they called it or not. A Winklevoss twin was literally crawling on the ground across the parking lot (The lyrics of a Countess Luann song come to mind—you know which one). Montauk’s Best came and we met the driver and called him the rest of the summer. If you tell them Stephen from Summer House sent you, they are still going to take your money, but they will probably get you a car faster when you’re blacking out at 4am trying to get home.
BRING ON THE BOOZE
I swear you will hear the word “rosé” no less than 20,000 times in a weekend in the Hamptons, but do not feel obligated to drink it. Honestly, if you know that wine sends you over the edge, just do us ALL a favor and drink what you’re good at. The old saying “it’s a marathon; not a sprint” is even more appropriate when applied to drinking than it is even when you’re talking about actually fucking running after the sparklers in the club. Also, can we all agree to stop with Café Patron shots? So Meatpacking 2013…
Disclaimer: I have really only spent a lot of time in East Hampton and Montauk and I am so lazy a creature of habit so I go to a lot of the same places. But I am going to give you some places I love and some I don’t… just assume everywhere else is ok:
Likes
Surf Lodge: Quintessential Montauk. The bar can get very crowded, so buy multiple drinks at a time. Then cross over the dining patio and there is a swing and more secret seating.
Montauk Beach House: They’ve been stepping up their DJ game every summer, but also the pool scene is nice. It’s nice if you need to get away from your house during the day.
Gurney’s: Beach day bed. That’s all.
Jue Lan Club: Located in Southampton. If you’ve ever been to their Sunday brunch at the Manhattan location, you know they know how to throw a good party. The food is good and there is amazing art inside.
Meh
Liars: It’s like a late-night place in Montauk but I think it’s a doublewide trailer. It’s fine but I’ve never ended up there and not had drama amongst my friends later so I think it’s cursed and I just avoid it.
That place in East Hampton that feels like a tunnel: It used to be Finale East and SL. IDK what it is anymore but like the real problem is THERE ARE ONLY TWO TOILETS IN THE ENTIRE PLACE so do the math.
AM Southampton: Honestly it can be fun if that’s what you’re into, but like, you should have just stayed in the city if you want to go to a club.
At the end of the night, your sugar daddy you are going to spend a lot of money going out. I am more of a fan of house parties because I’m cheap and when I get tired I will go upstairs in some obscure room and take a nap to reboot. It’s the only time I’m more than happy to go back in the closet.
Just keep piling on the alcohol and you’re sure to have a good night/rough morning.
OTHER THINGS YOU NEED KNOW
Other places in the world you can float around all day on cheap floats, but in the Hamptons you can actually find people who are snobby about floats (me). If you want to impress people on Instagram you have to shop FUNBOY, who just released a brand new batch of floats that are AH-FUCKING-MAZING.
Take a surf lesson/flirt with a surfer. It’s pretty fun and you can probably get three or four good TBT’s from it.
Sooth services the Hamptons so you can get a Sunday massage. #praisehim
Two Mile Hollow Beach in East Hampton is like an unofficial gay beach but it’s not like crazy Fire Island. I just describe it as the fun beach because it’s young and cool and everyone socializes… there are few children which is the biggest selling point. YOU CAN SEE CELEBRITIES THERE AND, NO, I AM NOT TALKING ABOUT ME. They are just like us when we are at the beach… sand in all the wrong places.
There is a Barry’s Bootcamp, Tracy Anderson, SoulCycle, etc. I’ve heard Switch and CYC are opening as well. You can sweat out last night’s tequila with a class in the morning and sometimes they will forgive you if you have to cancel because you’re too hungover of an emergency and credit you if you beg.
Wineries are fun but not really a party. Make sure you’re in the right mindset or you WILL get in a fight with your drunk friend.
Well, that’s pretty much the extent of my brain function tonight all the tips I have for you to take over the Hamptons this summer. If I think of more important information I’ll release a Volume II. Tweet me if you have any more tips, questions or success from any of these and follow me on Instagram and maybe I’ll run into you out East.
Summer House fans, pay attention because we’re about to make your day. Probably your week. Possibly even your year. That’s because we scored an interview with the real MVP of Summer House: Stephen McGee, thrower of shade, eater of popcorn. Stephen had a LOT of shit to talk say about his fellow housemates and the future of Summer House, so get ready because shit’s about to get real.
How do you think being on the show affected your relationships with the housemates?
Well going into the show, I was only good friends with Lindsay. Lindsay was the only person I knew and she’s the one that got me involved, and before we started the summer I met Cristina. I met the Wirkus twins fall of 2015, but I wasn’t really friends with them—we just hadn’t hung out a lot. I did make great friendships with the twins, Carl and Kyle, but Lindsay and I are no longer friends really.
Because of the show?
There were a lot of things that happened before and after the summer… She got me involved in the house and then she tried to get me to quit before the summer even started, and she’s just very…all about Lindsay. I only knew her as a “going out” friend, and then spending a lot of time with her, it’s just kind of like, not working.
Are Lindsay and Everett still together?
The last I heard they are together, but they did break up. I mean, they’ve broken up like a million times. But there was a very serious breakup, I think it was almost two weeks. So…they did move in together, but then she was staying at a friend’s. But I think they’re back together now.
So there will be a second season?
We don’t have anything confirmed, but all signs are pointing to yes. We are hopeful.
Would you do a second season?
Yeah, I would do another summer share. I would definitely do a second season of the show… it definitely does depend a little bit on who’s in the house because this time obviously I was very peripheral, but I think my role in the group has shifted because like, to be honest I kind of replaced Lindsay when she became so side tracked with her relationship. And so I think it’s worth it to do it.
I feel like that’s why everybody liked you because you were kind of just commenting on the side while the show was going on, but what was that like in real life when the drama was playing out?
I feel like everybody’s portrayal on the show was pretty fair to who they were. I think some people…I don’t want to rag on Lindsay and Everett, because individually they are not so bad, but honestly I think they a little better than how it felt in reality.
Why wouldn’t they edit it to seem as bad as possible? That’s what people want to see.
Well, it’s all about the editing—I think that since the Lindsay and Cristina fight got so big, you kind of hated them both, and you didn’t really want either of them to win, like, somebody had to look a little bit better. Yeah, Cristina lost. But I think Lindsay and Everett definitely were fighting ALL the time, it was not like a private thing, it was to the point where the house was pretty over it.
They were the Ron and Sam of Summer House.
Yeah, we were basically like…Get out.
We were kind of surprised there wasn’t a Summer House reunion.
There was talk about doing a reunion. I like to say that I’m the reason it didn’t happen. I was the only one that had a conflict with the date, they literally came to us a week before—it was like, the end of February and they wanted to shoot it on like, March 5th or something, which was the only day that Andy was available. I was going on vacation, so… But that’s just the scenario I made up in my head. Most shows dont get reunions season one.
And I mean… what am I gonna get 30 seconds to speak? All they’re gonna talk about is Kyle and Amanda, and Lindsay and Everett, and Carl and Lauren. Which, this is something you NEED to know—no one except the real couples fucked the entire summer. People would sleep in the same bed and it would look like, oooh we’re turning the lights out, we’re throwing a blanket over the camera, but they say “hooked up” all the time. I don’t know about straight people, but when gay people say “hooked up”, there was penetration. Like, everyone kept saying “well we hooked up” and I’d be like “you made out” and they’re like “that’s what I said!”
Was Cristina really as big a shit starter as they made it seem?
Cristina—I mean, I don’t want to say that Lindsay is right in saying this because I don’t wanna give Lindsay any credit,—but Cristina’s not maniacal enough to meddle… I don’t think she had bad intentions. The only thing that I’ll say that she kind of kept pushing on was Jaclyn and Carl. She kept trying to make that a thing, and it really wasn’t.
Was that just editing?
Well, that really is who Jaclyn is—a flirt. But I mean, Jaclyn and I went further than she and Carl. I made out with every one of the girls. We all made out at different times.
Who’s the best kisser?
I feel like Jaclyn, actually. Lauren was probably second place.
Was Cristina actually fired or did she just quit?
Cristina was not fired, to my knowledge, but she was basically forced to quit—she left her job to do the show, basically. So in reality, Lindsay just saw that as a way to pigeonhole her in because she can’t deny it because she can’t say “No, I left the job because I want to be on this TV show”. Smart. But now she has this great job at Wetpaint.
One thing we were all curious about was how did you guys get shitfaced all the time and then go to work on Monday?
Well Mondays were always tough. One Monday I did call in sick, and Carl and I just decided to stay out there. Honestly, I don’t know how we did Mondays. Usually Lauren was the most reliable one that she would drive in the mornings. Sundays at Surf Lodge are like, some of the best times to be there. We would stay there and Lauren would always get up and drive and we would sleep in the car. The Wirkus’ hangover cure, which we all were doing, is taking an alka seltzer in the morning. It was working!
So you watched the show as it aired, is there anything you would have done differently?
I didn’t regret doing it, but looking back on it, I was like “This was not worth it and I shouldn’t have done it” was to tell Lindsay about Everett sleeping in a bed with four people. Because he did tell me that. We were in the pool and he just walked by and asked me what I did and I was like “oh it was crazy blah blah blah” and he was like “YEAH YOU’RE TELLING ME I WOKE UP IN THE BED WITH FOUR PEOPLE” and then kept walking.
Like, it wasn’t a big conversation but he told me that and then afterwards I hear what story she was told and I’m just like, that wasn’t true. The reason I told her is I figured it would come back around that I knew and it would be worse if I didn’t tell than if I did, even though we weren’t on the best of terms at the time. And that’s why I just simply told her and then let her do with it what she wanted. And it’s not like I thought Everett had an orgy, but I mean he obviously lied about what happened. And he went on this big campaign saying I was lying about it, and it all came back that then Kyle was like “well actually you did say…”
It always amazes me when people on reality shows lie about something when they’re ON camera.
You know it’s coming back. To be honest, it just wasn’t worth the drama of telling. It didn’t do anything, it didn’t solve any problems. That was the craziest moment, that dinner that we had…he tries to say that I was—which, okay, watching it back, I did you know, stir the pot, but I was smart about it. Lindsay quickly realized that the dinner was not about her so she had to start a fight and storm out, but then she just came back smiling, that was the weirdest moment. In real life it was very uncomfortable because she just came back in smiling like she forgot everything she just did.
What ever happened to that guy that you went on that date with who told you not to drink vodka?
So this is a weird story. This guy and I met in LA and we hooked up in LA, and then we came back and found out that we both lived here, so we came back here and we had seen each other maybe four times before we filmed that date, but that was our first date. We went out after that to Rosé Bar and he ended up trying to hook up with one of my friends that night, so I’ve never talked to him again. I didn’t even tell him it was airing.
Was it as bad as it looked?
Honestly it was, it was a full hour of that. It was definitely awkward and very very bad, not the highlight of my dating career.
One thing that wasn’t clear, it’s not as interesting, but Carl went to the wedding with MY friend, so I knew the girl that was with him in Wisconsin, it was my other friend, which is also why he sent me a photo and I knew all along they were going.
Why did Carl even bother with Lauren if he clearly wasn’t even into her then?
I guess it’s just the romance of summer love. I honestly can’t really explain it.
What about Kyle and Amanda?
They are still together, actually, I love Amanda. First, she makes Kyle a better person, she reigns him in, she keeps track of him, but still lets the fun side out.
Any parting thoughts you want to leave us with?
That one girl that Kyle went on the date with, that Russian girl…I still think a prostitute. I said it in my interviews, but they cut it out. They’re like, “you can’t say that.” I was listening to a podcast that was like “you should never trust a girl who carries a little backpack everywhere she goes in the Hamptons.”
Follow Stephen on Twitter and call your Congressmen/tweet at Bravo to bring back Summer House!
