In case you missed it, a Christmas miracle took place last weekend, and I’m not even talking about my mother uttering the words “you were right” in my presence. No, last weekend Miley Cyrus and Liam Hemsworth GOT MARRIED in a private ceremony held in their Nashville home. That’s right, the woman who made twerking a national pastime and the second-hottest Hemsworth brother are married. Are you squealing yet? BECAUSE I AM SQUEALING. I don’t know about you, but I’d say this is definitive proof that love is real you can get your ex back after miming a sex act during your VMAs performance and it’s a win for me, personally delusional girls all over the world.
Now, if you’ll recall, the couple met in 2009 on the set of The Last Song, way back when Miley had brown hair and was still legally allowed to associate with the Disney Channel. Ah, simpler times. They first got engaged in 2012, before calling it off a year later so Miley could have her space to grow as a person go through that wild phase.
Sure, Jan. Whatever you have to tell yourself to sleep at night.
But they reconnected in 2015 and seemed to be really happy, despite the fact that it made her new music only subpar. (Sorry, but it’s true.) Personally, I’ve been rooting for these two for a long time. And I’m not just saying that because after a drinking a bottle of moscato I used to drunk dial my ex and belt “Wrecking Ball” into his voicemail box. No, I’m genuinely rooting for Miley and Liam as only a complete stranger with no personal or emotional ties to them can. And now they’re married!! So to celebrate the occasion, I thought it would be fun to revisit her exes in what I like to call “Thank U, Next: The Miley Cyrus Edition.” Let’s get started, shall we?
6. Justin Gaston
If you’re wondering who this person is, you’re not alone, because I had to Google him as well. According to his IMDB page his greatest claim to fame is playing Romeo in Taylor Swift’s “Love Story” music video. So basically he’s about as relevant as my Juicy tracksuit Plato’s Closet passed on last weekend. They dated for about nine months when Miley was 15, and broke up right before she went to film The Last Song. Some say they broke up because she rekindled her friendship with Nick Jonas, and I guess 20 year old Justin felt threatened by a 14-year-old boy with a straightening iron, but I think it’s because she realized he was going about as far as Nashville’s Broad Street. Last place for you, Justin.
5. Patrick Schwarzenegger
After Miley called off her engagement to Liam, she dated Patrick Schwarzenegger for about five months and, honestly, it’s a solid rebound. The boy is fiiiine in, like, a preppy, rich kid who will definitely keep your nudes for revenge porn kind of way. So snaps for you, Miley. They broke up after photos surfaced of Patrick hanging out with his ex, which feels very on brand for him personally. He gets fifth place because he reminds me of my ex while he’s p attractive he’s also probably a piece of sh*t and I’m not tolerating a**holes for one more godd*mn minute in 2018.
4. Stella Maxwell
I have nothing to say about this relationship mostly because I don’t think there was a relationship. There were rumors that Miley and Stella Maxwell were dating in 2015 because they made out a few times in public but, like, what’s your point? If I had to formally acknowledge every person I make out with I would legit need witness protection. Nah, I’m not buying it. This was also the year that Miley and Liam reconnected, so let’s call this what it is: too many vodka crans. Next.
3. Dylan Sprouse
Lol. I know, right? According to Popsugar the two dated for “a day when they were 11 or 12” and a day is all it takes for me to be jealous of any b*tch lucky enough to date a Sprouse. For those of you who read my Riverdale recaps, you know The CW has been making me feel things about a Sprouse that is legit making me question my mental health. And even though Miley only dated the twin whose most successful business venture since The Suite Life has been opening a “meadery” in Williamsburg, I’m still ridiculously jealous.
2. Liam Hemsworth
Technically, Liam was her ex at some point so he makes the list. He’s not number one because although I root for him, there’s someone else who tops the list. SORRY NOT SORRY. Which brings us to my favorite Miley ex…
1. Nick Jonas
Nick f*cking Jonas. That’s right, people, I still stan this relationship and I will stan this relationship until either one of them releases a song that’s better than “Before The Storm.” I’m sorry but “Standing out in the rain /Need to know if it’s over /Flooded with all this pain /Knowing that I’ll never hold her /Like I did before the storm”?? F*cking iconic. I don’t care that Nick gave his purity ring to Priyanka Chopra or that Miley and Liam have been together for ten years, 14 year old me is still hoping Disney will pull rank their contracts out and make them contractually obligated to write another teenage love ballad. PLEASE IT’S ALL I ASK FOR.
But, like, every happiness to you and Liam, Miley!
Images: Giphy (3); @mileymileys /Instagram (1)
As I was finding corresponding gifs for the ranking of the Victoria’s Secret Angels, I came to the stark realization that all these women look the fucking same. No, seriously. Looking back and forth between gifs of like, Alessandra Ambrosio and Izabel Goulart (who is not an official Angel this year, but is Alessandra Ambrosio’s identical twin as I learned), I realized I could not pick these women out of a lineup of two. So I think it’s only fair that I back up such a seemingly absurd statement with real evidence so you can all see what I mean. I’m convinced all the Angels came out of the same genetic pool, so I organized them by families into the very official and accurate Victoria’s Secret Angel family tree.
Family #1: Team Tall, Dark & Handsome
I have a working theory that Adriana Lima and Alessandra Ambrosio had children, and those children are Sara Sampaio, Lily Aldridge, and Taylor Hill. Look at them. Sara has Adriana’s black hair and blue eyes, and Taylor has Alessandra’s hair, Adriana’s eyes, and Adriana’s nose. Sara’s nose is kind of a mix between Alessandra’s and Adriana’s. Now, Lily is basically just Alessandra’s direct doppelganger—she’s just as tan, she has the exact same nose, she has dark eyes—but her hair is slightly darker, a gene she obviously got from Adriana.
Family #2: Team Blondes Have More Fun
Then you have Behati Prinsloo plus Elsa Hosk/Candice Swanepoel/Martha Hunt/Romee Strijd. That latter group of women are the same fucking person, and you cannot tell me otherwise. They all have blonde hair, big blue eyes, and noses so tiny they almost don’t exist. They are interchangeable. They could be each other’s stunt doubles in movies. One of them could walk down the VS Fashion Show runway four separate times, and I would not know the difference. Please note that Romee Strijd is not Martha Hunt’s daughter, as the chart might imply; I just ran out of room and couldn’t fit them all in one horizontal line. Anyway, these Angels all mixed up their genes in a test tube or some shit and came out with Josephine Skriver, who has Candice/Elsa/etc.’s face and Behati’s hair. Then you’ve got Stella (who I would just like to note should have gone into porn because she has the best porn star name of all time), who kinda-sorta has Behati and Romee’s face, with Candice et. al’s hair and eye coloring. Boom.
Family #3: Team Not Actually A Family
Then we’re left with Jasmine Tookes and Lais Ribiero, who don’t resemble each other at all—or really any of the other Angels, for that matter—so I lumped them together by virtue of the fact that they actually look like individuals. Good job, ladies/Victoria’s Secret. We got two. I didn’t make a very informative infographic for it because, like I said, I don’t think they’re actually related in my conspiracy universe. But I tried. (They will put that on my tombstone.)
So that’s it. My life’s work. All I can do is pray that I never get mugged by a Victoria’s Secret Angel, because I will be of no help to the police.
Head Pro will watch the VS Fashion Show this year, just like every year, because he’s a sucker. Follow him as he makes mean jokes on Twitter at @betchesheadpro, and tell him how badly this list sucked at [email protected].
Perhaps more than anything, humans enjoy order. That’s why, as surely as winter brings 2pm sunsets and misery, it also brings the Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show: an institution that endures largely unchanged, persisting by only making slightly fewer alterations than Kim Kardashian’s plastic surgeon. The models starve themselves. A safe, bland pop act performs. One of the models has an OMG SO CUTE “improvised” interaction with the musical act if she’s fucking him. Someone stuffs their cans into a $2 million bra. The sun rises on another day.
But that’s not enough! No, we demand even more order, especially when it comes to judging our fellow humans. That’s why, beyond running the same hour-long porno flick for women (that’s also porn for men), we’re compelled to “rank” the models involved. “But Head Pro, didn’t you do this last year?” you might be wondering. “Wait, that link just redirects to this page, this is the same URL, this is all a naked SEO grab, isn’t it,” a reasonable person might conclude. I don’t have answers for that. I definitely voluntarily re-wrote my own list. I’m a Company Man, after all.
It’s not especially cool to “rank” human women based on their “hotness” or “how nice their boobs look.” I would never do that anyway because I respect women so much that you wouldn’t have to ask me if I respect women, because I would come out and tell you I respect women before you even asked. Instead, I will rank them based on their biography responses on the VS website, from least amusing to most.
14. Jasmine Tookes
Victoria’s Secret asked all of the Angels what spice they would be, and 90% of them said “cinnamon.” That includes Jasmine, who had literally nothing interesting to say. Being pretty but boring is a shitty stereotype, but living up to it gets you on the bottom of the list.
13. Stella Maxwell
Most people pretty clearly identify as a morning or night person, but Stella? Oh, she’s a midday person. Her profile is full of contrarian bullshit like that. Righty or lefty? “I’m actually ambidextrous.” Pink or red? “I prefer blue, but I guess red if I have to choose.” Unlike Jasmine, who is boring, Stella tries WAY too hard to seem cool and different.
12. Lily Aldridge
Literally every model loves shooting in beautiful locations, but they all hate flying on planes. But really, that’s the LEAST glamorous part of the job, not starving yourself or strutting around in your underwear in front of leering strangers? Get some fucking perspective, Lily.
11. Josephine Skriver
Josephine can’t live without her phone, friends, family, sleep and food. Well, yeah. You’ll die after not eating for about 30 days, and a lot sooner without sleep. Jeez, why do you always have to take things so literally, Josephine?
10. Taylor Hill
Taylor is extremely not here for this shit, and I appreciate it. The most glamorous part of working for Victoria’s Secret? “Working for Victoria’s Secret.” She also wants to jump out of a helicopter with her snowboard, which is pretty fucking metal.
9. Candice Swanepoel
Oh sweet, sweet Candice—such an unrequited life. While most of the models wish they could see the Great Wall of China or some trivial shit, Candice casually drops that her greatest regret is that she hasn’t started her “own shelter for abused animals or an environmental protection organization.” Extremely same. Also like, you know you probably can start an animal shelter, right?
8. Romee Strijd
One thing Romee wishes she could do? Travel stateside with her family. Uhhh you might want to rethink that, girlfriend. I mean have you ever seen an episode of Cops? The U.S. is a trash fire that absolutely deserves everything we’ve brought upon ourselves.
7. Martha Hunt
Unlike Josephine, who sagely acknowledges that she can’t live without the very essences of life, Martha is a little more… metaphorical. She can’t live without her dog, purse, family, diamond earrings and favorite watch. She literally listed “dog” and “purse” ahead of family. The honesty is refreshing.
6. Sara Sampaio
Sara is a cool girl who’s just like one of the guys. Wanna know how I know? Because she had pancakes for breakfast the morning of her interview, and in fact eats pancakes “all day every day.” I call bullshit. She has never so much as smelled a pancake.
5. Adriana Lima
O.G. Adriana Lima is a simple gal. While other girls want to see the Northern Lights or start entire government agencies, all she wants to do is star in a Quentin Tarantino film. As long as she’s down with having her toes sucked, I think that can happen.
4. Elsa Hosk
Does Elsa prefer chocolate or vanilla? “Neither.” Goddammit, now I wanna know her deal! What’s this woman’s hangup with conventional ice cream flavors? Does she only eat sorbet? Is she lactose intolerant? There’s nothing sexier in a woman than dessert intrigue, I always say.
3. Lais Ribeiro
What’s one thing that Lais would like to accomplish? Literally nothing, because becoming a VS Angel was her only dream, and she’s achieved that. Laugh all you want, but when was the last time you accomplished something with such laser focus, Mrs. I’ve-Been-Thinking-Of-Going-To-Law School-For-Almost-A-Decade?
2. Alessandra Ambrosio
Pink, or red? Lilac! WILDCARD, MOTHERFUCKERS!
1. Behati Prinsloo
Hey did you know that African native Behati Prinsloo is from Africa, which is where Behati Prinsloo’s from? Well, unlike most girls, who picked “cinnamon” as their spice, she grew up on an African seasoning called aromat, so that’s what she would be. Because she’s from Africa. Which, if true, why is she white?
Head Pro will watch the VS Fashion Show this year, just like every year, because he’s a sucker. Follow him as he makes mean jokes on twitter at @betchesheadpro, and tell him how badly this list sucked at [email protected].
