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Somebody tell Santa that he can cancel Christmas, because I’ve already gotten the perfect gift. Bravo just announced that Vanderpump Rules season 8 is scheduled to premiere on January 7, 2020 and I can’t imagine a better way to ring in a new decade than with an extra 10 pounds on my waistline and a middle-aged wait staff struggling to remember if they cheated on each other on my TV screen. And Bravo dropped the trailer on Friday! Andy Cohen, you’re too good to me. Based on what we know, it looks like this is going to be (to borrow a phrase from real life angel, Chris Harrison) the most dramatic season EVER. And I’m not basing this solely on the trailer—oh no, there has been sh*t going down during this off-season. We’re talking social media unfollows, vaguely negative comments, and people not showing up at parties. This is LEGIT. So, I’m going to gather up all this evidence, call myself Veronica Mars, and piece this season together for you.
The Witches Of WeHo Break Up
Rumors have been brewing (get it, because they’re witches? Sorry, I hate myself too) that Katie, Kristen, and Stassi have been having problems lately. Back in October, Stassi confirmed those rumors on her podcast by saying, “If taking a break from someone is a b*tch move and makes me nasty, then I don’t give a f*ck.” Wow. Way to sound like a passive-aggressive ex-girlfriend airing her grievances on Facebook, Stassi. Kristen also confirmed that they had a falling out, saying she doesn’t really know why it happened (classic Kristen, she was probably blacked out during the fight). Whatever happened, Kristen, I bet a hundred bucks you were chain smoking and calling someone the c-word when it went down!
In the trailer, we see a very brief snippet of a fight between the women. In it, Katie says that Kristen is being obnoxious. Fair. Kristen says Katie is being a b*tch. Also fair. To be honest, with personalities like that, it’s a miracle any of these people ever have friends.
It looks like some of the cast could be patching things up, though, because Brittany just posted an Insta story of a bunch of them on their way to the People’s Choice Awards, and Kristen was there.
It seems like Stassi may be the last holdout, because she wasn’t with them last night (she was in New York), and she hasn’t posted a picture with Kristen since July.
And is it just me or does that picture appear coerced for the sake of their wine business? Which leads me to my most important question, WHAT WILL HAPPEN TO THE WINE? I need answers, Andy. Mediocre Pinot Grigio is at stake!
Jax And Sandoval Are Also Feuding
Back in August, E! News reported that Jax unfollowed a number of his co-stars, including Sandoval, Ariana, Kristen, and Scheana. This must have happened after his wedding to Brittany, because the Toms were co-best men at the event. So what is up between the old (very old, Jax is 40! Don’t think I’d forget to bring that up) friends?
In the trailer, we see a fight between the two men, with Sandoval screaming, asking if Jax even knows him at all. He’s near tears, with nary a dog in sight to dry them. It’s rough.
According to, once again, E! News, the fight was over Lance Bass (!!!!) officiating Jax and Brittany’s wedding. Apparently Tom and Ariana claimed Jax only picked Lance because he is a celebrity, and for some reason are taking issue with that. Well, first of all, who wouldn’t want a celebrity officiating their wedding? Second of all, it’s 2019, not 2001, so I think that the word “celebrity” is a little generous for Lance Bass. And third of all, let’s not act like you all aren’t after fame, mmkay. I say they rip off their chunky cardigans, fight it out in a parking lot, and move on.
The New People Bring The Cheating Drama
Since a lot of our OGs are pretty solidly coupled up (except Kristen *insert evil laugh*), it’s up to the new cast members to bring the cheating drama. Based on the preview, it looks like Dayna has drama with Max. He says he’s interested in her, but she seems to think he is exclusively dating someone else. Later in the preview, Max accuses Brett of having feelings for Dayna. Am I getting these people right? If I’m mixing them up, my apologies, but also can Bravo apologize for casting two dudes that look identical? It makes me thankful for the days of Sandoval’s Flock of Seagulls hairdo, because at least he couldn’t be confused with anyone except a time traveler from 1982.
I attempted to do some Instagram digging for you all and get some answers, but Brett exclusively posts pictures of himself in varying states of undress, and Dayna and Max appear to have kept their love lives off the platform. Gotta stay tight-lipped about those storylines to get a contract renewal, I guess!
^^Max and Brett together, so I guess they’re not actually the same person
Scheana Continues To Try To Be The Bachelorette
People write in asking Reality Steve if Scheana is going to be the Bachelorette as often as I tell myself “the diet starts tomorrow.” His answer is always a variation on “Hell no, I just snorted Sprite out of my nostrils in response,” but that’s not for lack of trying. Last season we saw Scheana attempt to recreate her Bachelorette fantasy with human Ken doll Robbie Hayes, which had about as much chemistry as a dog on a date with a lamp. And back in September, Bustle reported that she was getting cozy with DeMario Jackson, although they are both claiming they’re just friends.
Stop trying to make The Bachelorette happen, Scheana, it’s never going to happen! What I don’t understand is that she’s on a reality show now that she gets to be on EVERY season. Why does she desperately want to be on a show with an expiration date? Although, she was basically non-existent in this trailer, so perhaps it is time for her to look for another job…
There Are Way Too Many People On This Show
Okay, so this is less of a prediction and more of a fact, but I feel like Vanderpump Rules season 8 is truly a challenge to the show’s video editors, to see how many people they can squeeze into one credit sequence. So many cast members and yet still no Peter. When will he get his due? Justice for Peter!!
And that’s what’s going to happen on Season 8 based on the trailer, social media, and gossip! You’re welcome for my hard work, and I think we can all agree that if there’s one thing we know for SURE about this upcoming season, it’s that Brittany is my spirit animal.
Can’t wait for January!
Images: Giphy (2); issamaximillian, scheana/Instagram; Bravo
I know I complain a lot about how much time The Bachelor takes up in my sad little life, but the one show I would never dare speak ill of is Vanderpump Rules. There’s just something so comforting about watching borderline sociopaths lie to their friends and family without emotion or remorse. It’s like mozzarella sticks for the soul. And just as I was starting to really miss my precious garbage angels, they popped right up to give me that sweet, deep-fried, cheesy fix. This week, the cast members got together to film the opening credits for season 8. Now, while I care about my OGs very much, I’ve seen enough pictures of Jax and Brittany’s wedding to last me a lifetime, so it’s time to take a gander at the fresh blood. Let’s stalk the Vanderpump Rules newbies.
Max Boyens
According to US Weekly, the place I got to for all my C-list celebrity news and the occasional legging recommendation, Max is the general manager of TomTom. Which sounds like a sweet gig in theory, but having to follow the insane whims of a man rocking a Flock of Seagulls haircut day after day must be a tough pill to swallow. So, I’m already proud of you, Max. You’re doing amazing, sweetie.
US Weekly also reported that Max was briefly linked to Scheana, which I assume means that he went over to her apartment one time, ate a handful of pretzels, and now she’s filed the paperwork needed to acquire a marriage certificate.
Now that we have that out of the way, let’s make some broad assumptions based on his Instagram! It appears that Max likes karaoke, is from San Diego, has style that Sandoval approves of, has a cocktail company he’s looking to promote, and is way too wordy for a man whose career is clearly based on his looks. I hate him already. I can’t wait.
Dayna Kathan
Dayna appears to be a SUR employee, which must be nice for Lisa because I’m pretty sure the others don’t actually work at the restaurant anymore, and those goat cheese balls aren’t going to serve themselves!
Apparently we’ve already seen Dayna on VPR, because Celebrity Insider reports she was one of the women in the hotel room at the Mondrian when Jax FaceTimed Brittany. According to the article, she will be bringing drama to their relationship, and fingers crossed it happens quickly, because I have $100 that says their marriage only lasts 125 days and I’m looking to cash in. Mama needs some new shoes! (Kidding, I really need some dinner that’s not 99-cent ramen noodles).
Based on the T-shirt she over-wears, Dayna is a Beyoncé fan, which is not surprising because she is a human woman with ears. She also appears to be a comedian, which I’m surprised Ariana is okay with since she takes sketch comedy VERY seriously. I don’t expect Dayna to last long on Vanderpump Rules, but I hope she has fun.
Brett Caprioni
And finally we have reached Brett Caprioni, the most horrifying fairest one of all. He works at SUR, but I’m more interested in the fact that he’s a YouTuber, which explains why I have no idea who he is since I spend my weekends shaking my cane at teenagers and hollering things like “back when I was a kid we had RESPECT!” from a safe distance. I took a look at his page, and he seems to be very into eating healthy and working out, which explains his hot bod and why Jax will most likely attempt to destroy him this season. Just a guess!
I’m also taking an educated guess that he has had lip fillers (that baby picture he posted has no lips to be found—sorry baby Brett, you were still cute), and I’m also guessing that he makes people call him “BrettCap” in full, every time they talk to him, and if they don’t he spits in their drink. He just gives off that vibe, ya know? Plus he’s from Jersey and we do that sh*t. Maybe I will like him, after all.
And that’s what we have to look forward to this season on Vanderpump Rules. I can’t wait to watch even more beautiful people in dysfunctional relationships drink to excess!
Images: Shutterstock; Giphy, issamaximillian, dadadayns, brettcap / Instagram
For avid fans of Vanderpump Rules (hi), there have been few greater joys than watching the burgeoning friendship between Stassi Schroeder and Ariana Madix. They are, as Lisa Vanderpump once pointed out, two queen bees—two beautiful, sassy, blonde queen bees with devoted boyfriends and killer style. It wasn’t always so easy to see what they had in common: in the early VPR years, Stassi was on full-time duty wrangling the Witches of WeHo, while Ariana was just trying to get through her new bartending gig without being shanked by Kristen. But as time went on, Stassi and Ariana have revealed their true colors as boss bitches who take no sh*t and look out for their own. IMO, these two are winning VPR right now—in honor of these two queens’ birthdays (happy birthday Stassi and Ariana!), here’s why.
Their Boyfriends Are Obsessed With Them
Obviously, Beau Clark stole everyone’s heart this year, and doubly so if you follow him on Instagram. Yes, Beau is handsome, funny, and fits right in with the VPR gang. But the most adorable thing about him is how blatantly obsessed he is with Stassi. He shares #OOTD pics, makes her elaborate, Stassiage-based breakfasts, and FaceTimes her what her dogs are up to when she’s away. I’d say he’s following the perfect boyfriend handbook to a tee, but honestly he’s pulling moves I hadn’t even thought of. This guy is straight-up reinventing the game.
Then there’s Sandoval and Ariana: a relationship you might be tempted to overlook just because it’s been so solid for so long. But this year, Sandoval honestly impressed me with how he stepped up for Ariana. These two have always been head over heels in love with each other—now, they’re learning how to face challenges as a team. In this season’s reunion, the issue of Ariana getting married and having kids came up once again (*massive eye roll*). Sandoval shut that line of questioning down, and wasted no time pointing out what bullsh*t it is that Ariana is consistently asked about it. Sandoval didn’t take the opportunity to espouse his personal views about marriage, but instead stood up for his partner and solidified their stance as a couple. It was exactly what we need from men in 2019, and let’s just say I’m proud of Ariana for getting him there.
They’re Making Major Professional Moves
I’ll keep this brief—I’m not trying to depress anyone, including myself. In the last year, Stassi published a book, Next Level Basic, that became a New York Times bestseller. Ariana is launching a skincare line, Facelixir, and just bought a house with her bar-owning boyfriend Sandoval—so it’s safe to say this power couple did well for themselves this year. I won’t completely suggest that Sandoval’s success with TomTom is due to Ariana’s influence, but let’s give at least a little credit where it’s due. Ariana has helped transform Sandoval from an over-eager cocktail aficionado into a hardworking business partner—and she’s even willing to stand up to Lisa Vanderpump to protect his reputation. If Ariana doesn’t get a cut of TomTom already, maybe she should.
They’ve Overcome Huge Personal Hurdles
Earlier this year, Ariana opened up about a skin cancer scare. She had her lymph nodes biopsied, and a melanoma removed from her chest. Thankfully, she’s all clear now, but she took the opportunity to spread awareness of how important it is to advocate for yourself with your doctors and to stay vigilant about your own health. Ariana has always been open about her personal struggles when she feels it can benefit the public, including season 6’s frank discussion of sexual discomfort and learning to love her body. The way Ariana handled this year’s health scare proves that she’s stronger and more determined than ever to fight for what she cares about.
Stassi, on the other hand, has never been one to open up too deeply about why she’s feeling the way she is—until her struggles with Beau changed all that. Suddenly faced with the possibility of losing Beau over mood swings and a temper she’s struggled to control her whole life, Stassi leapt into action. By the reunion, Stassi was a much more self-aware, honest version of herself, having clearly gone through some deep reflection and hard work to undo destructive patterns and get to the root of her insecurities. It’s the kind of emotional deep dive everyone needs to do at some point in their lives, and it was such a sign of growth for Stassi that she not only took those steps, but also shared that journey with the VPR audience. Somehow, I can’t see “I am the devil and don’t you forget it” Stassi of season 1 doing the same.
All in all, these ladies have stepped up personally, professionally, and romantically—and their futures honestly couldn’t look brighter. Happy birthday Nastariana! Looking forward to at least another seven years of watching you grace my TV.
Images: NBC; @thegoodthebadthebogie; @officialkatiecazorla; @stassischroeder / Instagram
Over the weekend, Instagram basically broke when Andy Cohen had his baby shower. It was hosted by the OG Real HousewivesTeresa Giudice, Vicky Gunvalson, Kyle Richards, Ramona Singer, and NeNe Leakes, and every single current housewife was invited. As you probably know from watching hundreds of Instagram stories, it was a drunken sh*t show. Lisa Rinna was yelling at people on a microphone, and everyone was dancing on the tables. Basically, it was the party of my dreams, and following along was the best day of my life. There were dozens of housewives in attendance, but not everyone showed up. Who were the most important missing wives, and why weren’t they there? Let’s examine the evidence.
Lisa Vanderpump
Given all of the drama surrounding Lisa Vanderpump recently, I didn’t really expect her to show her face at Andy’s baby shower. She basically ghosted Real Housewives of Beverly Hills halfway through filming the new season, so this party wasn’t high on her agenda. It is interesting considering that the party was organized by the other Housewives OGs, a group that she really should be a part of. Lisa hasn’t acknowledged her absence on social media at this point, but it looks like things aren’t great between her and Andy.
Bethenny Frankel
Besides Lisa, Bethenny was the most glaring omission from the guest list. Bethenny has been on Bravo for a decade, and she and Andy have definitely been close at some points during that time. It’s unclear if there’s major drama going on, but Bethenny wasn’t quick to comment on why she missed the shower. Early Monday morning, she finally addressed it in the weirdest way possible, with a picture of two freezing monkeys. Maybe it’s a metaphor for being left out in the cold? She tagged Lisa Vanderpump in the caption, but gave no explanation for why she wasn’t there. Also, she and Lisa have never even really been friends. This whole thing is very confusing, and I need to know more.
Kandi Burruss
Kandi Burruss, one of the most beloved Atlanta housewives, wasn’t there, but she has a very solid excuse. She’s on the new season of Celebrity Big Brother, which means she’s literally trapped in a house with no access to the outside world. That sounds like a nightmare for many reasons, but mainly because she didn’t get to go to this party. Hope it was worth it, Kandi!
Porsha Williams
Porsha was the other main Atlanta housewife not in attendance, but she also has a good excuse. She’s currently very pregnant with her first child, so it’s understandable that she wasn’t about to hop on a flight across the country. No shade here.
Luann de Lesseps
The Countess Luann was not in attendance on Saturday, because the event probably wasn’t classy enough for her. Jk, I don’t know why she wasn’t there. Lu quickly addressed her absence on Instagram by reposting one of my favorite memes ever, but like Bethenny, she didn’t give a reason for not being there. She was promoting her cabaret show on social media the same day, but she didn’t actually have a performance or anything, so it’s unclear why she didn’t show up. Hopefully she did the Countess-like thing and RSVPed with the proper amount of notice.
Kelly Dodd
When Kelly, from Orange County, didn’t show up, people immediately guessed that she wasn’t invited because she would cause drama. Unfortunately for my messy soul, that was not the case. Kelly was on a skiing vacation that had been planned for months, and she sent Andy a gift. She also posted this photo at the ski lodge with Lil Wayne, because her life is cooler than mine will ever be. I’m not sure what she’s doing with her hand, but hopefully it’s not an offensive gang sign. We may never know.
Melissa Gorga
Out of the current Real Housewives of New Jersey cast, Melissa Gorga was the only one who didn’t show up at the baby shower. Sadly, she was busy attending her daughter Antonia’s cheer camp, because like family comes first or something. Cheer camp sounds lame AF, but whatever.
Tinsley Mortimer
RHONY wasn’t super well-represented at the baby shower, with Luann, Bethenny, and Tinsley Mortimer all missing. While Bethenny and Lu have at least acknowledged that they weren’t there, there hasn’t been a peep from Tinsley. I don’t think Tins and Andy are super close, but that didn’t stop the randos of Potomac from showing up. What’s up, Tinsley?
The Entire Cast Of ‘Vanderpump Rules’
While all of the Real Housewives were invited to the party, the cast of Vanderpump Rules was notably absent from the baby shower. These people are probably the biggest stars on Bravo at this point, but they will always be treated like second-class citizens. It’s probably a good thing that James Kennedy wasn’t there, considering how wasted everyone looked, but it does seem like a snub. Stassi wasn’t afraid to say so, and posted multiple times about stalking the party on Instagram. I have never related to Stassi Schroeder so hard in my life.
There were several other Housewives not in attendance, but they’re pretty much randos who no one give a f*ck about. Too bad for them, because they clearly missed the party of the century. Andy’s baby is reportedly due as soon as this coming weekend, so hopefully there will be some great housewife Instagram posts when the baby is born. Can Lisa Rinna please be my aunt?
Images: @bethennyfrankel / Instagram; @countessluann / Instagram; @rhoc_kellyddodd / Instagram; @stassischroeder / Instagram
January is my birthday month, so to fellow Capricorns, hello, you are the best. But really, we’re like the only sign whose “flaws” are actually compliments, ie too focused, too ambitious, too pretty, etc. Geminis are like, oh you’re two-faced and you’re also batsh*t crazy. Anyway. Being in my birthday month means I have to figure out something to do for my birthday that does not suck. I didn’t even bother last year because I was so over it. First of all, you never have any idea how many people are coming. All my friends are coupled off like Noah’s f*cking Ark. If you invite your friends, you also have to invite their significant others–even the ones you don’t like. And then everyone brings random friends, roommates, etc. It’s like, I’m going to have 5 people or 40, not sure which. Instead of having a horrible dinner where you can’t get seated because your “entire party isn’t here” (even though I explained that my friends are flakes to the hostess no less than 11 times) and people lying about their part of the check, or a house party where you’re cramming 5-40 people in your studio apartment, here are some way better ideas so you can actually enjoy your birthday.
Dive Bar
Find a cool, laid-back bar that has food, a ton of space, and cheap drinks. You don’t have to reserve a table and you can just hang out all night. Tell your friends, hey, I’ll be here from 8PM, show up whenever. If they want to eat, they can get it themselves ordering at the bar and put it on their own tab. No one will kick you out, you don’t have to worry about everyone sitting down, and all of your friends can get in even if they arrive late because there isn’t ever a line at the door. They may even have live music. It’s the closest to having a party in your own house, except you get to leave whenever you want, and someone else has to clean up afterwards.
Wine Tasting Tour
I wanted to do a tour at a winery in Malibu for my birthday, but then it kind of burnt down (awkward). A wine tour is fun because if people don’t show up on time, you just leave them, so it’s really not your problem. It’s also usually kind of expensive, so you’ll weed out those people that you felt obligated to invite but don’t actually want to hang out with. There are so many different options, like the one in Malibu is actually a safari with animals (who thankfully are all okay post-fire, btw) AND drinking. It’s the dream! Think of it as a more exciting way to do a drunk brunch and also, everyone prepays so the check is not your problem at the end of the day.
Beach/Pool
I’m a huge fan of “I’ll be here, come if you want” types of events, mostly because I hate waiting for people. Having a party at the beach or a pool is soooo easy and casual, just bring some food and alcohol and tell your guests to BYOB as well. You can spend the day laying out, talking sh*t, drinking excessively, and swimming with no cares about reservations or your house being destroyed. As a January baby, I rarely ever even get this as an option (I mean, I live in LA, so sometimes it’s warm enough), but hey, with global warming it’s probably something to look forward to.
Venue/Private Room
If you really want to call the shots, consider renting out a private room in a bar or even an entire venue for your birthday. You can pick the music, the drinks, how many people come, and no one can complain about late arrivals. You just stand around looking amazing having the best time, and your friends can come and go as they please. The only true downside is this is expensive. Consider teaming up with a friend whose birthday is near yours and doing a joint party to cut down costs, a la Stassi and Ariana. This is really the best way to do a birthday party IMO, but I cannot f*cking afford it. If only I “worked” at Sur.
Trip
Another way to weed out those people you don’t really want to see is to plan a birthday trip. Susan you sit next to at work won’t be offended you didn’t invite her to a trip with your besties to Vegas because, duh, she has 11 kids and could not possibly swing that. It’s the perfect way to cut down up your party list. Even better, book your hotel room with your boyfriend or bestie, and then just tell everyone else, hey, here’s where we’re staying, book your own room if you want to come. Don’t try to split a house unless you want it to be like the dinner check scenario but times a million. But hopefully it’s just your closest friends who you know will pay up ASAP, and aren’t terrible anyway.
Tell me in the comments some of your favorite past birthday ideas!
Images: Giphy (2)
Okay, so Kristen Doute was the token crazy chick on Vanderpump Rules for the first couple of seasons. Now, she’s developed into a mostly stable, somewhat self aware, moderately functioning human being. Thanks a lot, therapy and having a healthy relationship! You’ve taken Krazy Kristen away from us! And now, Kristen has taken a turn for the worse. Don’t get us wrong, it’s not because she’s pulling stunts like attempting to air out her ex-boyfriend for cheating on his new girlfriend in Miami (we’re all in agreement that Tom did cheat, right?) or having a toxic relationship with James Kennedy. Instead, she’s trying to play martyr and seek revenge on toxic individuals in the interest of her friends. She may think she’s being a good friend, but inserting herself into others’ lives is actually pretty lame. If I have to hear her say “My Brittany”one more time, I’m going to die. So, I decided to find Kristen Doute some fun hobbies, because endlessly trying to get revenge on guys like Jax and James is just making her look sad and desperate.
Philanthropy
It seems like Kristen thinks that sabotaging f*ckboys like Jax Taylor and James Kennedy by giving them the punishment they deserve is, like, a form of philanthropy. While I agree that guys like this are a disservice to society and need to be eradicated almost as much as malaria or small pox, it’s a toxic habit to relentlessly try to destroy them. Also, I don’t think flying in side chicks from Miami or parents from Kentucky to shame these guys, or throwing $16 PUMP-TI-NIs in their faces counts as a tax write-off. So why not be a contributing member to society in a more noble way instead? And no, I’m not talking about sh*t like reading books to children in the hospital. I mean, sure Kristen has changed, but I still wouldn’t trust her around children. I’m talking about throwing parties to donate to whatever cause Kristen gives half a f*ck about. Anyone who watched The O.C. knows that these philanthropy parties were all about drinking and drama, which are two of Kristen’s biggest passions. These charity functions Kristen throws would a) be the perfect opportunity for Stassi to use her fake party planning career and b) provide the perfect backdrop for drama without directly orchestrating tired schemes. And if some money is donated to PETA or Planned Parenthood, all the better, because that CAN count as tax write-off!
P.S. Is The Hills remake giving Mischa Barton a job as charity so they can get a tax write-off? So many questions.
Become A Social Media Personality
This job is a no-brainer. No, seriously, this job requires no brain. I just watched The American Meme (credit to me for watching a documentary instead of Stepbrothers for the 50th time), and becoming a social media icon seriously requires less talent than being a reality television star. Kristen already has a following like every other person who is famous on social media, so she doesn’t need to buy as many followers as every other social media personality does. She can just tweet relatable, obvious things in a slightly quirky way, so thousands of girls and fake followers RT it. Or, better yet, she can post pictures of herself doing boomerangs of her clinking champagne glasses with all her friends at an event and then throw up a pic of her chilling with reject boyfriend from The Bachelor franchise while eating Açai bowls in Tulum (you know those things have more sugar than, like, six candy bars, right?) Worked for Helen Owen!
Blogging!
Oh wait, Kristen has done this already. Looks pretty legit, right?
Okay, I know that Kristen started a blog to make it seem like she had something going on after she got fired from SUR, but this is clearly not a blog. And the Vegiholic Instagram page isn’t any better. The last post is a terribly unfunny meme from May 12th, and even before then, she rarely posted pics–there are only 36 of them!
Look, Kristen, it’s really not that hard to be a vegetarian blogger. You just use the impressive work ethic you apply towards taking down your male castmates, and apply it toward making people feel like subhuman scum because they eat bacon. I remember last week, I asked my little sister if she was still vegan, and she responded that she’s “intuitively plant-based” now. I assure you that if you managed to be as insufferable as you were seasons 2 and 3, you can be as bad as my own flesh and blood when she somehow managed to make her dietary preferences sound more holier than thou than “vegan.” I could literally type onto WordPress what I had for dinner tonight (a bottle of $9 pinot grigio and a frozen pizza) and write a blurb about what made me eat it (because I’m lazy and I know I’m going to cry later when I feel too insecure to wear a crop top out at the bars because I’m addicted to self-sabotage) and hit publish, and I’ve got myself a food blog. See? It’s not that hard.
Start An Etsy Shop
All you need to start an Etsy shop are ideas you highjacked from Pinterest and a dream. Well, a dream that was your fallback plan after failing as an actress or singer or whatever. Create some lip balms that are named after various SUR cocktails. Make some festival wear that is totally unoriginal and totally appropriating other cultures. Literally, just walk into Anthropologie or Urban Outfitters, take pics of thing you like, and do knock off versions of what they did. I’m pretty positive that’s how you created your t-shirt line, and I assure you that this will probably be just as time consuming and perhaps even more successful.
Read A F*cking Book
Wanna convince people that you’ve truly changed and are on a path towards enlightenment and personal growth? Read a book. Don’t read the Bible. Paris Hilton killed that charade when she said prison changed her because she read the Bible while locked up, yet she couldn’t name a single book or verse from it. Lala mentioned one time that she read The Alchemist, and she’s probably one of the smartest people on the show. Case in point:
So clearly the bar is set pretty low to be the Einstein of the group. I saw on Instagram that Alexis Ren read The Four Agreements and I immediately respected her for it, even though she made a career off of having good-looking sex with Jay Alvarrez and fake laughing for pictures. Or read The Untethered Soul. I saw that my SoulCycle instructor posted that on his Instagram stories, and while I initially wrote him off because he’s, like, 40 and wears a thumb ring and takes shirtless mirror selfies, I totally respected him after seeing he read that book. Well, kind of respected him because did I mention he’s 40 years old, wears a thumb ring, and takes shirtless mirror selfies? Basically Kristen, just read any New Age self-help book and we will all automatically think you’ve got a hobby AND that you’re becoming more self-actualized, whatever that means.
Write A F*cking Book
I would suggest writing a cocktail book, because alcohol is an integral part of her diet, but Ariana would get very upset that Kristen’s doing something she’s done (or failed at doing). #TBT to when Kristen tried comedy for sh*ts and gigs and Ariana got offended because she takes sketch comedy “very seriously.” Let’s not act like Ariana is ever gonna finish that cocktail book. But at the same time, let’s recognize that Kristen thinks drinking an entire bottle of Belvedere or Casamigos is considered a “cocktail” when really, it’s flirting with alcoholism.
So maybe Kristen should get a headstart on writing a tell-all about Pump Rules instead so she can release it once the show gets cancelled, after everyone in that cast becomes boring and stable like the rest of us. You know we’d be all over that juicy gossip!
Start A Podcast
You’re sort of an actress with a lackluster IMDb page, and a second-fiddle reality star living in L.A., so it’s weird that you haven’t started one already! You might not have Stassi’s level of success, but it can’t possibly be worse than Scheana’s podcast.
Do The Marie Kondo Method
I’m not saying this because it’s all the rage right now, I’m saying this because this chick needs to get rid of all that “Live, Laugh, Love” crap in her house. It’s tacky and embarrassing, and I say this as someone who owns a giant pillow in the shape of a Xanax bar and a cross-stitched sign on my bathroom door that says “Please refrain from doing cocaine in the bathroom.”
Sidenote: One time I was at a party with Marie Kondo and I avoided her the entire time. She doesn’t speak English, but I just knew deep down that she would find a way to tell me to get rid of my Kris Jenner shower curtain and Xanax pillow. The only celebrity closet organizer I will ever listen to is Kim Kardashian. Sorry not sorry.
So Kristen Doute, in this new year, take some time for yourself, and please get a hobby. The Bravo producers might not be happy about it, but it has to happen.
Images: Shutterstock; Giphy (3); @helenowen / Instagram; Vegiholic; Us Weekly; @kristendoute / Instagram
If you took a sip of a PUMP-TI-NI every time someone lied on Vanderpump Rules, you’d be drunker than James Kennedy while he’s doing a DJ set. And if you took a taste of Raquel’s “pasta” every time a cast member says in a sinister tone, “The truth always reveals itself,” we’d have to check you into rehab. In other words, telling the truth is not exactly this cast’s forte. And what a tangled web of lies and tacky hair extensions this band of pretend-waiters weaves, because they can’t even fit in all the huge lies they tell into 20 episodes. So, we’re here to tell you some of the biggest lies these degenerates have been caught in. At least, the ones that we know of.
1. James Kennedy’s Real Name
James Kennedy is truly an enigma because we can’t decide if we love to hate him or hate to love him. Another mystifying thing about James? His real name isn’t even James Kennedy, it’s actually James Georgiu. Neither of his parents have changed their last names, BTW. He used to never shut up about how his dad was huge in the music industry, so why wouldn’t he want to share the same last name as someone that is that prominent? If I had to guess why James chose Kennedy as his last name, I think he just wanted to sound like he was the member of the elite and so he chose the surname of the second most obvious royal family in America (after the Kardashians, obvi). James Kardashian just wouldn’t work. Vanderpump Rules clearly occupies my headspace at least 90% of the day, and it’s suddenly dawning on me now that no one there goes by their real names. Lala’s real name is Lauryn, and I’ve never heard of a Lauren going by a nickname that sounds like a Teletubby. We all know Jax’s real name is Jason Cauchi. Scheana went by Scheana Marie and still goes by Scheana Shay even though she literally had a countdown app for her divorce to be finalized. I’m guessing she uses a fake name because Scheana Jancan doesn’t sound as appealing. If these cast members are all using fake names, what else could they possibly be hiding?
2. Brittany Not Knowing Anything About Jax’s Past Before Moving To L.A.
Pretty much all of the Vanderpump Rules stars dream of “making it” as an actor, but Brittany might be the biggest contender for an Academy Award for playing the naive ingénue role her entire life. By now, she has to know that Jax is never going to change, and she’s probably just in it for a role on the hottest reality show, and to get sponsored by detox teas. On Watch What Happens Live, Brittany’s mom was in the audience when Brittany and Jax were being interviewed and told Andy she was a fan of Pump Rules before Brittany started dating Jax. In fact, when Brittany met Jax that fateful night in Vegas (while he was on a date with another woman, BTW), she took a picture with him and sent it to her mom, who told her who he was.
So, here’s where it gets interesting: Brittany played innocent the entire time and claimed she’s never seen the show and she knew nothing about Jax before moving out to L.A. two months after meeting him in Vegas. But her mom clearly watched the show and had reservations about Jax, so it seems unlikely that Sherry didn’t tell her own daughter what a scumbag Jax could be. So Brittany playing the wide-eyed innocent who moved out to L.A. because she loved Jax and thought he was such a great guy from the get-go doesn’t really add up.
3. Jax’s Emotional Affair With His Reiki Instructor
Remember Kelsey? Of course you do! Her “emotional affair” with Jax was one of the major storylines of last season. But it turns out that that “emotional affair” was bullsh*t because Kelsey is happily married and she maintains that she has love and affection for all of her clients. Also, having an emotional affair with a guy who is a total sociopath and incapable of emotion is impossible anyway. But more concretely, Kelsey has a podcast called Break Up With Your BS, and she addressed what happened with Jax in one episode. She said she had no idea how things were being edited and the producers didn’t let her know her storyline at all. In fact, Jax and Kelsey’s one-on-one sessions got started because after Jax’s group session with the Tom’s and Peter, Kelsey pulled aside a producer and said she was seriously worried about Jax. If you go to Kelsey’s Instagram, there’s a saved story called “F*ck Vanderpump Rules” where she further defends herself. It’s pretty f*cked that the one time a genuinely good-hearted, selfless person that isn’t seeking fame comes on Vanderpump Rules, she ends up being edited to look like a home-wrecker.
4. The Timeline Of Kristen And Tom’s Breakup
When season 2 wrapped up filming, and before the reunion had been taped, Kristen and Tom hadn’t *actually* called it quits. Well, not publicly anyway. Kristen maintains that they broke up in November because he cheated—yet again—and she failed to mention in the below tweet that she cheated on him, like, all the time. Before the reunion, Stassi was very ostentatious about moving all the way to New York City for Patrick, thus spoiling the finale and the reunion. Meanwhile, Tom and Kristen actually took the high road (for once) and publicly pretended to be in a relationship for the sake of the show. They even sucked it up and did Watch What Happens Live together three months after their breakup.
@kristendoute funny how ur past never got brought up the whole season #Editing #beingagentleman in November I broke up with u
— Tom Sandoval (@TomSandoval1) February 11, 2014
@mspocahonta @kristendoute we kept the truth from the public @BravoWWHL 2 not spoil the reunion. We chose to be professional unlike Stassi
— Tom Sandoval (@TomSandoval1) February 11, 2014
First off, this is probably the first (and only) time that the words “Kristen Doute” and “professional” have been used in the same sentence, so props to her. But while she was being professional for once, she at least got to witness her so-called boyfriend get insulted on national television by someone who called in.
You couldn’t pay me enough to fake being in a relationship with any of my ex-boyfriends—unless I got to sit next to them as they get shamed in front of a national television audience. So everything you know about the timeline of their relationship is probably wrong.
As far as lies the Vanderpump Rules cast has told, I’m sure this barely scratches the surface. Still, I need to go rewatch all of seasons 2 and 6 now that I’m armed with this new knowledge. If you need me, I’ll be unavailable for the next two weeks.
Images: Shutterstock; Giphy; @TomSandoval1 / Twitter (2); YouTube
The cast of Vanderpump Rules might not be the smartest people on TV, but now we have definitive proof that at least one of them knows how to read. That’s right, Stassi Schroeder wrote a book, and it’s coming out in April. Stassi Schroeder’s book is called Next Level Basic: The Definitive Basic B*tch Handbook, and it should be an interesting read. Personally, I’m not sure I understand Stassi claiming the whole “basic” thing, because Scheana is obviously way more basic than Stassi, but whatever, it’s her book.
In the Amazon description, we get a nice little preview of what to expect from Ms. Schroeder’s literary debut:
In Next Level Basic, the reality star, podcast queen, and ranch dressing expert gives you hilarious and pointed lessons on how to have fun and celebrate yourself, with exclusive stories from her own life and on the set of Vanderpump Rules. From her very public breakups to her most intimate details about her plastic surgery, Stassi shares her own personal experiences with her trademark honesty—all with the hope you can learn something from them.
Okay, so I’m imagining this will be, like, half a glorified picture book with little blurbs about being basic, and half stories about her actual life. I’m way more interested in the latter, because I’m going to need a lot of behind-the-scenes gossip about Jax, crazy Kristen, and the whole SUR gang. If there’s not good tea, I don’t want it.
Importantly, I feel like this book deal solidifies Stassi’s status as the most famous Vanderpump Rules cast member, and good for her. Unsurprisingly, it seems the other VPR cast members might not be that excited for her. At the time I’m writing this, it’s been two hours since Stassi posted about the book on her Instagram, and not a single cast member has commented on the photo. Obviously they could comment later, but I would have expected at least one or two to have hopped on by now. I’ll be watching carefully.
So yeah, you can preorder Stassi Schroeder’s book now, but more importantly, the new season of Vanderpump Rules starts next Monday. Can this week please just go by a little faster?
Images: Shutterstock; @stassischroeder / Instagram
