Where Should You Blackout For St. Paddy’s Day? Your Weekend Horoscopes.

This weekend is not an ordinary weekend; it’s a cool weekend it’s St. Patrick’s Day weekend. This makes St. Patrick’s Day extra special because it means unless you work in some unfortunate industry like food service, you won’t have to deal with puking up green shit in the trash can at work tomorrow. Bless. But this also means that the limit for the types of shenanigans you can get into this weekend does not exist. Irish car bombs? Rampant shit talking? A one-night stand with a ginger? A whole lot of nothing? See what the stars have in store for you this weekend.

Aries

This is a weekend meant for positivity, Aries. The past few weeks have been pretty heavy, and it’s time for you to reassess and start working on the things that make you happy. Not to get all zen and shit, but your mental health should really be a priority for the next 48 hours. Well, it should probably always be a priority, but especially now. Meditate, drink tea, sleep for two straight days, whatever. Just make sure you come out the other side with a semblance of peace of mind.

Nicole Richie

Taurus

It’s been a wild ride, Taurus. For the past few weeks it’s started to seem like your luck—whether Irish or not—was bottomless. But I’m here to tell you with all the wisdom that a horoscope writer possesses that, eventually, that luck will run out. Could be today. Could be tomorrow. It will most likely be Sunday night because I’ve always found that that’s when existential crises like to strike. With all this in mind, maybe consider taking a break from the wild life this weekend. Store up on some of that luck for the next time you need it, and you won’t have to worry about bottoming out next time.

Britney Lucky

Gemini

Sometimes shitty stuff happens, Gemini. By sometimes we mean literally all the time because life is hell as soon as puberty hits. There have been a few especially shitty moments in the past few months, we know that. This weekend put extra effort into just letting it all go. Seriously. All of it. Maybe over like 3-4 pints of Guinness. Grudges do nothing but build stress and early onset wrinkles. You don’t need either of those things in your life. Whatever it takes to get some closure, figure it out over the next two days. You’ll thank us when you don’t look like a sad prune come 40.

Kim Kardashian

Cancer

I know this week has been wildly stressful, Cancer, which means this weekend entails only one thing for you: alcohol. Drink it with friends, drink it with family, drink it with some random tiny Irish dude who keeps giving you gold. The means of consumption does not matter, just as long as you’re consuming vast amounts. Treat yourself the next morning with a gloriously greasy breakfast that’ll have you hiding from bathing suits for the next month. Seriously, you’ve earned it.

Leo

No joke, Leos are probably the best person in the zodiac. You, without fail, always seem to prioritize the needs of other over yourself, even when your own life is just going to shit. It would be refreshing if it didn’t make the rest of us look so bad. So this weekend, after a lifetime of putting others first, try just thinking about yourself. Do what you want to do. Say what you want to say, without living out a cliché John Mayer song. Forget about everyone else. If your greatest desire for Saturday is to spend the day drunk on a beach somewhere, do it. If you want nothing more than to build a blanket fort and hibernate, go to town. Whatever you do, make sure it’s yours and yours only. You may find that you actually like it.

Me Time

Virgo

Sad to say it Virgo, but it looks like you’re working for the weekend. This comes with good and bad news. The good? You’re making bank while your friends are dropping $60 on jaeger bombs. The bad? Your FOMO will be off the charts. Try not to think about that, and instead spend your time fantasizing about how you’ll spend that overtime cash. Then make up for all this work by blacking out next weekend before the Ubers are even called. It all works out in the end.

Libra

After months of being in the spotlight, it’s time for a goddamn break, Libra. Honestly. You’re burning the candle at both ends, and it’s not even a nice Anthropologie candle. It’s one of those sad bargain ones from Target that come in godforsaken flavors like Piña Colada and Winter Rain. So maybe consider taking the next couple days off from any kind of social interaction. Turn off your phone, go off the grid, and don’t look back until Monday. It could be refreshing, or it could result in mind-numbing anxiety, but I guess you won’t know until you find out.

Alone

Scorpio

This is a weekend to lay low, Scorpio. You’ve been going nonstop the past few weeks and your body (and wallet) need a rest. Tbh, your friends probably need a rest, too. As much as we love to witness it, a blackout Scorpio is no joke. So do yourself (and the greater public) a favor, and cuddle up with some takeout and some Netflix this weekend. Come Monday you’ll feel refreshed, if not a little bloated, and ready to take on the week.

Amy Schumer

Sagittarius

This weekend calls for some introspection, Sagittarius. While you may not know it, your actions can severely affect the people closest to you. Think about that the next time you have something to say that would be deemed critical by people with actual functioning emotions. I know it sounds crazy, but they do exist. For the next couple days, start pausing and thinking before you speak. You may find that some of the things that were about to roll off your tongue were kind of condescending. It’s cool, being condescending is literally one of our past times, but then again we run a bitchy website and you don’t. Take a little time to consider what you’re going to say, and you’ll be surprised by how far the effort goes.

Taylor Swift

Capricorn

You know how people say that it’s possible to have too much of a good thing? Well we’ve never shared that sentiment. Too much of good things just means more good things, which sounds pretty fucking chill in our book. This weekend, experience the finer things in life. It’s time to try all the good things. Act like you’re Marie Antoinette but no one’s coming to chop your head off yet. Let them eat cake, except, fuck that and save all the cake for yourself. Moderation is cool and all, but it can wait until next weekend.

Marie Antoinette

Aquarius

I hope you filled out a March Madness bracket that was unceremoniously forced upon you by some dude in your office, because this weekend is looking like nothing but luck for you, Aquarius. Honestly, if there was ever a time to take up gambling, this is it. Take full advantage by pushing literally every relationship in your life to its very limit. Gamble with money, gamble with love, gamble with the lengths of your roommates’ patience for your general narcissism—odds are, you’re coming out on top.

Jackpot

Pisces

First of all, Pisces, how dare you. After a week of nonstop work, nonstop socializing, and generally just nonstop life, you still look like a human. Better than that, you look pretty fucking good, and it’s infuriating for the rest of us mere mortals. Seeing as how you’ve been keeping it together for this long, why not go for the gold? This weekend, do as much as you possibly can before you crash. Drinking all night? Check. Full day of activities Saturday? Check. Sunday chores? Check. At this rate, you’ll sleep through Wednesday, but at that point you’ll have earned it. God speed, my friend.

Kelly Kapoor

A Perfectly Boozy Shamrock Shake For Your St. Patrick’s Day Blackout

Well, tis the season for green booze, again. But before you go dry-heaving reminiscing about last year’s rivers of green vomit, do yourself a favor and make a legit, delicious, and decadent alcoholic Shamrock Shake. You won’t find this shit at McDonald’s. Is it diet friendly? No. Is it a dessert in and of itself? Hell yas. This recipe is an easy AF way to take your St. Paddy’s day pregame to the next level. You’re definitely going to want to do this for the pregame, BTW. This recipe is easy but not like, doable-after-a-pub-crawl easy. I can barely even re-heat soup after a pub crawl, TBH. Best to stay away from the blender. 

Ingredients

Take all that shit and throw it in your Vitamix. Blend until smooth. Top off with whipped cream and a cherry to feel festive. Shit, throw some mini chocolate chips in there to make yourself feel better and get ready to wake up tomorrow morning and wonder what happened to all your vanilla ice cream. 

shamrock shake

Read: The Betches’ Guide To St. Patrick’s Day
 
Do You Deserve A Vacation This Week? Your Weekly Horoscopes

Ahh horoscopes! The only trustworthy way to make all of life’s most important decisions like, when should you plan your next vacay and should you dump your current hookup IRL or just ghost him via text? This week, we’re here to provide you with the advice that your shitty Obamacare (RIP) therapist can’t, based off the only thing that makes sense anymore: the motions of the planets as they relate to your birthday. Be sure to read thoroughly before leaving any passive-aggressive notes or sending any page long emails to your boss demanding more sick days, and be sure to consult your friends’ horoscopes to make sure all the advice you give over text this week is 100% accurate.

Aries

Spring is around the corner and you’re going fucking crazy anticipating the warmer weather. Don’t worry if you maxed out your dad’s credit card on swimsuits you saw on Instagram models, because good things are definitely right around the corner for you. This is a good week to prepare for the future. Maybe drink an extra glass of water, skip the cheese fries and hit a barre class because you’re going to need to be in tip-top summer shape at the drop of a hat.

high school musical summer

Taurus

Sorry Taurus betch, this is the week you’re getting cut off from something sort of important to you. Even if mom and dad don’t cut you off financially or anything super tragic like that, you might be getting cut off in other ways. A friend might have had enough of listening to you complain about your ex when you still leave parties with him. A roommate might be fucking tired of cleaning your dishes every night you drunkenly try to make cheesy pasta. Just saying, be prepared for someone just being sick of your shit in general this week.

Lady Gaga you have to stop

Gemini

You’re kind of in a weird place with partners and close friends this week. You want someone to give you a pep talk or some kind of commendation and encouragement, but no one is really doing that. You’re probably going to feel a little frustrated with how no one is showering you with compliments and telling you, “Oh my gosh, no, you’re like so skinny.” This is the time for you to strap on some big girl panties and pick yourself up by your bootstraps. Do you think Beyoncé bases her feelings on how many Instagram likes she got this week? No, she just keeps on being Beyoncé. You can’t be Beyoncé, but you can do the next best thing which is to stop pitying yourself and get your shit together.

Fairly Odd Parents Trixie

Cancer

Unfortunately, things aren’t going to come as easily to you this week as they usually do. You are getting used to just doing you and having it turn out really well. You’re probs going to have to put some effort into your activities this week. Ew. You’ll be rewarded for it though, because, someone will definitely notice that it looks like you’re trying really hard. How cute.

The Lion King Scar

Leo

Your week is actually looking super promising. Since Saturn is in Sagittarius it works out really well for you, because Sagittarius is a fire sign and Leo is also a fire sign. It’s basic Horoscope math, duh. Anyway, this is why your life is going to run really fucking smoothly this week. Now’s a great time to start planning something big, like a move to a new city or an extended European vacation. Plans you make right now will carry your good Karma with them as they come to fruition.

Get Out I'm Good

Virgo

This is one of those kind of gross times where you’re feeling really introspective. Keep yourself and your Virgo betch friends away from the red wine because you will definitely drunk cry yourself to sleep. Try as you might to blackout of your emotions, it’s just not going to happen. You better deal with your feelings before St. Paddy’s Day or things are going to get really messy, like, drunk crying on the bar’s bathroom floor messy. Yikes.

Conan OBrien Crying

Libra

Your world view is about to change. No, you’re not going to, like, be cursed and wake up as a Trump supporter or some shit. Instead, your literal view is probably going to be a little different. A change in scenery is definitely in the near future. Please tell me it’s Spring Break. You’re so fucking over winter and could really use a pick-me-up in the form of just getting out of town somehow.

Zoolander who am I

Scorpio

It’s a shit show when it comes to your finances every time Saturn is in Sagittarius. Don’t plan on getting a huge tax return or winning the lottery any time soon. Oh shit, you remember you have to pay taxes soon probably, right? Anyway, stay on top of your paperwork this week and try to avoid parking meters. You’ll have notoriously bad luck with fines and shit if you don’t keep your head on a swivel this week.

I have zero dollars

Sagittarius

Saturn is back in your sign, meaning you’re on your way to a new adventure whether you like it of not. But, let’s be honest, you’ll probably like it. As with all new adventures, you’ll need to add some new accessories or a new outfit or six in order to fit in with your new path in life. Don’t worry about cost right now. Obviously, this is the path the stars want you to take and will work with what you give them. That’s how horoscopes work, right?

The Hobbit Adventure

Capricorn

When Saturn is in Sagittarius you need to get rid of all the irrelevant aspects of your life. It’s probably a good time to clear up some iPhone storage by deleting all the numbers of guys you met on Tinder but don’t talk to anymore. If it hasn’t happened yet, it’s not going to happen. All of the shit from your ex you’ve been holding on to? Yeah, time to take a trip to the donation bins. Clear eyes, clear contacts lists, can’t lose. That’s what me and the Dillon Panters say, anyway.

Real Housewives delete

Aquarius

You’re kind of feeling like a martyr these days. That’s not ideal. You’re really suffering from your own success. Kind of like when stars get too big and powerful so they explode and create a black hole. Talking about actual stars, not Taylor Swift’s ego, but it works as a metaphor. Anyway, you feel like you’re giving your best and performing well, but others keep asking more and more of you. It’s probably because they know you can handle the responsibility. I mean, it’s shitty, but you’re just going to have to deal with it this week.

Rachel friends

Pisces

Saturn at the top of your chart means you can see clearly the rain has gone all the shit going on in your life. You’re really sure of your values and the role people around you should play in your life. You actually haven’t had this kind of clarity in quite some time. Trust your intuition enough to act on your knowledge and cut those out of your life who aren’t a benefit to you and bring those who rock your world a little closer into your circle. I wouldn’t want to be the next idiot who steps to you, because you’re ready to clap back at the snap of a finger.

Clear Eyes Full Hearts

Read: How To Get A Platinum Vagine