I love St. Patrick’s Day as much as I love any occasion for a blackout beginning at 10am sharp. But I can’t say I love the accessory game associated with the Irish Car Bomb fest (Note: avoid actually ordering that drink in Dublin, but that’s a story for another day). And if you’re anything like me, the only time you sport a kelly green hue is mid vom-sesh. As with most holidays, there’s always some Try-Hard at the bar taking up a shitload of space with her (because let’s be real—this is usually a “her”) head-to-toe cardboard shamrock costume and screaming about how it took three days to make. Like Cady Heron on Halloween, these people totally miss the point of the holiday, which is to wear one vaguely green item of clothing or accessory and get drunk. On the other end of the spectrum are the duds who couldn’t even be bothered to put like, a green bracelet or do some cute green eye makeup or anything. They’ll tell anyone who will listen about how they “totally forgot” it was St. Patrick’s day and how they don’t own anything green, and you’ll be like “please stop talking to me while I’m trying to concentrate on drinking.” If you want to figure out how to strike the perfect balance between looking crazy and looking lame AF, here are a few ways to look like you GAF about St. Patrick’s Day without like actually expend any effort.
This olive baseball hat just barely incorporates green—big W on our front. Baseball caps let guys think you’re not the type to stalk all their exes on social media and the type to genuinely enjoy the taste of beer. Even bigger W. Pair this hat with all black because we know you don’t actually give one fuck about dressing to theme. That was so freshman year. Don’t even consider swapping this hat out for one in the shape of a pint. No beer hats. No beer glasses. No beer anything. Ever. No. Thank you.
Everyone panic—blizzards are back. And just when I thought Mother Nature had an ounce of chill, she screwed us over faster than me putting my Coachella ticket up for sale after hearing Beyoncé wasn’t headlining anymore. For when your liquor blanket just isn’t cutting it, throw on a green bomber jacket. They’re cute and let people know you didn’t actually buy something just for St. Patrick’s Day because, you know, you have a life and shit.
I have a love/hate with this trend. Still trying to figure out why gym shoes shook the world overnight, but until then I’ll keep being basic and wear the subtle hint of green. Odds are you bought your pair in Europe, considering Adidas to Europeans is like America’s disregard to our recommended levels of daily sugar intake. Minus points if you pair the shoes with the Guinness T-shirt you also purchased traveling. We get it… you studied abroad…
This simple T-shirt keeps with the casual theme—have you ever seen an Irish person in anything dressier than their nicest pair of jeans?? Didn’t think so. And the green sleeves are a perfect cop-out to shirts that read “Kiss Me I’m Drunk.” Avoid said tragedies like you avoid the Stage 5 who bought you two vodka sodas last night at the bar.
5. Kale Shirt
If all else fails, remind everyone you like to eat green, not wear it.
This weekend is not an ordinary weekend; it’s a cool weekend it’s St. Patrick’s Day weekend. This makes St. Patrick’s Day extra special because it means unless you work in some unfortunate industry like food service, you won’t have to deal with puking up green shit in the trash can at work tomorrow. Bless. But this also means that the limit for the types of shenanigans you can get into this weekend does not exist. Irish car bombs? Rampant shit talking? A one-night stand with a ginger? A whole lot of nothing? See what the stars have in store for you this weekend.
This is a weekend meant for positivity, Aries. The past few weeks have been pretty heavy, and it’s time for you to reassess and start working on the things that make you happy. Not to get all zen and shit, but your mental health should really be a priority for the next 48 hours. Well, it should probably always be a priority, but especially now. Meditate, drink tea, sleep for two straight days, whatever. Just make sure you come out the other side with a semblance of peace of mind.
It’s been a wild ride, Taurus. For the past few weeks it’s started to seem like your luck—whether Irish or not—was bottomless. But I’m here to tell you with all the wisdom that a horoscope writer possesses that, eventually, that luck will run out. Could be today. Could be tomorrow. It will most likely be Sunday night because I’ve always found that that’s when existential crises like to strike. With all this in mind, maybe consider taking a break from the wild life this weekend. Store up on some of that luck for the next time you need it, and you won’t have to worry about bottoming out next time.
Sometimes shitty stuff happens, Gemini. By sometimes we mean literally all the time because life is hell as soon as puberty hits. There have been a few especially shitty moments in the past few months, we know that. This weekend put extra effort into just letting it all go. Seriously. All of it. Maybe over like 3-4 pints of Guinness. Grudges do nothing but build stress and early onset wrinkles. You don’t need either of those things in your life. Whatever it takes to get some closure, figure it out over the next two days. You’ll thank us when you don’t look like a sad prune come 40.
I know this week has been wildly stressful, Cancer, which means this weekend entails only one thing for you: alcohol. Drink it with friends, drink it with family, drink it with some random tiny Irish dude who keeps giving you gold. The means of consumption does not matter, just as long as you’re consuming vast amounts. Treat yourself the next morning with a gloriously greasy breakfast that’ll have you hiding from bathing suits for the next month. Seriously, you’ve earned it.
No joke, Leos are probably the best person in the zodiac. You, without fail, always seem to prioritize the needs of other over yourself, even when your own life is just going to shit. It would be refreshing if it didn’t make the rest of us look so bad. So this weekend, after a lifetime of putting others first, try just thinking about yourself. Do what you want to do. Say what you want to say, without living out a cliché John Mayer song. Forget about everyone else. If your greatest desire for Saturday is to spend the day drunk on a beach somewhere, do it. If you want nothing more than to build a blanket fort and hibernate, go to town. Whatever you do, make sure it’s yours and yours only. You may find that you actually like it.
Sad to say it Virgo, but it looks like you’re working for the weekend. This comes with good and bad news. The good? You’re making bank while your friends are dropping $60 on jaeger bombs. The bad? Your FOMO will be off the charts. Try not to think about that, and instead spend your time fantasizing about how you’ll spend that overtime cash. Then make up for all this work by blacking out next weekend before the Ubers are even called. It all works out in the end.
After months of being in the spotlight, it’s time for a goddamn break, Libra. Honestly. You’re burning the candle at both ends, and it’s not even a nice Anthropologie candle. It’s one of those sad bargain ones from Target that come in godforsaken flavors like Piña Colada and Winter Rain. So maybe consider taking the next couple days off from any kind of social interaction. Turn off your phone, go off the grid, and don’t look back until Monday. It could be refreshing, or it could result in mind-numbing anxiety, but I guess you won’t know until you find out.
This is a weekend to lay low, Scorpio. You’ve been going nonstop the past few weeks and your body (and wallet) need a rest. Tbh, your friends probably need a rest, too. As much as we love to witness it, a blackout Scorpio is no joke. So do yourself (and the greater public) a favor, and cuddle up with some takeout and some Netflix this weekend. Come Monday you’ll feel refreshed, if not a little bloated, and ready to take on the week.
This weekend calls for some introspection, Sagittarius. While you may not know it, your actions can severely affect the people closest to you. Think about that the next time you have something to say that would be deemed critical by people with actual functioning emotions. I know it sounds crazy, but they do exist. For the next couple days, start pausing and thinking before you speak. You may find that some of the things that were about to roll off your tongue were kind of condescending. It’s cool, being condescending is literally one of our past times, but then again we run a bitchy website and you don’t. Take a little time to consider what you’re going to say, and you’ll be surprised by how far the effort goes.
You know how people say that it’s possible to have too much of a good thing? Well we’ve never shared that sentiment. Too much of good things just means more good things, which sounds pretty fucking chill in our book. This weekend, experience the finer things in life. It’s time to try all the good things. Act like you’re Marie Antoinette but no one’s coming to chop your head off yet. Let them eat cake, except, fuck that and save all the cake for yourself. Moderation is cool and all, but it can wait until next weekend.
I hope you filled out a March Madness bracket that was unceremoniously forced upon you by some dude in your office, because this weekend is looking like nothing but luck for you, Aquarius. Honestly, if there was ever a time to take up gambling, this is it. Take full advantage by pushing literally every relationship in your life to its very limit. Gamble with money, gamble with love, gamble with the lengths of your roommates’ patience for your general narcissism—odds are, you’re coming out on top.
First of all, Pisces, how dare you. After a week of nonstop work, nonstop socializing, and generally just nonstop life, you still look like a human. Better than that, you look pretty fucking good, and it’s infuriating for the rest of us mere mortals. Seeing as how you’ve been keeping it together for this long, why not go for the gold? This weekend, do as much as you possibly can before you crash. Drinking all night? Check. Full day of activities Saturday? Check. Sunday chores? Check. At this rate, you’ll sleep through Wednesday, but at that point you’ll have earned it. God speed, my friend.
Ah, one of my favorite holidays is upon us. A holiday where it’s socially acceptable to pound $8 green beer and take home a redhead. But because we can’t have nice things, there will be those who will try to fuck it up for the rest of us by blinding our eyes rocking green themed looks. *takes slow, calming breath*
I guess this was bound to happen because any holiday that celebrates gingers is destined to be a clusterfuck beauty-wise, so here’s a list of all the least offensive ways to wear green on St. Patrick’s Day:
1. As An Eyeliner
Green eyeliner is the subtle way to look like you barely give a shit about this holiday, and we approve of this look. But for the love of god don’t go overboard here. The eyeliner should be the focal point of your whole look so don’t try and fuck it up by adding in green glitter eye shadow or some shit.
2. Green Hair Streaks
This is for all my try-hards out there who can’t wait to
document Instagram the shit out of this holiday. The key here is to be *subtle* with the hair streaks because this can either make you look hella cool or like a sea monster. Go for temporary mint-hued streaks à la the latest Fendi show if you want to look cool and creative like you give way too many shits.
3. Two-Toned Eye Shadow
This is the main beauty offender I see in between shots when I’m out at bars. Personally, I stopped buying green eye shadow around the same time I stopped crimping my hair, but for those of you who still sport the look I’m suggesting a two-toned eye shadow look in a more subtle shade of green, i.e. not the same color as the T-shirts everyone’s wearing. Start by applying a lighter green hue with a flat brush from the inner corner of the eye to the middle of the lid, and then add a darker shade on the outer corners. Blend, blend, and blend and make sure to apply black liner so you don’t look like a fucking leprechaun.
4. Dark Green Lips
Tbh I didn’t even want to put this one on the list but I thought there’d be a least one betch reading this who likes to
push the envelope test my sanity. Even though it makes you look like you just sucked off Shrek, it is very spirited so FINE it makes the list. Go for a darker green lipstick to look more chic and less like I want to anonymously blast you on social media. You could also use a green lip liner to outline your lips for a more graphic effect. The liner lasts longer than lipstick and it won’t get all over your face while you’re celebrating getting shitfaced.
5. Subtle Nails
This is probably the least offensive way to wear green today and that is why I left the best for last. Nail color is like an accessory, so go for an emerald or a mint color to compliment what you’ll be wearing, which I’m guessing is some form of all-black ensemble.
Or you could just go with the other signature look for this holiday: blackout. The choice is yours. Brb just gonna drink until I forget that people are actively sporting green lipstick of their own free will.
There’s nothing I love more than a holiday that encourages you to get shitfaced off green beer as an excuse to celebrate a part of your heritage that represents 2% of your genetic makeup. Seriously. I’m sure my great-great grandfather’s step-sister’s,cousin’s child who actually fucking lived in Ireland would be v proud of me for making out with that ginger in a dingy LES bar.
And the only way I feel I can properly show that love is to rank people who are 100% redheaded and most definitely not 100% Irish for my own amusement. Side note: in the midst of
chugging Guinness researching this piece I googled “popular redheads” and a number of porn sites came up. If that is not an indicator of how this article turned out then I don’t know what is. Anyway, here’s a list of our favorite redheads ranked in honor of St. Pat:
10. Ron Weasley
First of all, you’re poor. And not in the cute hipster/starving artist way that makes me want to pay all of your bills and fund your recreational cocaine problem, but rather in the I’m-going-to-complain-about-this-for-seven-fucking-books way while wearing an ugly fucking sweater. Secondly, not only did it take you seven years to grow some balls and actually help fight Lord Voldemort instead of gulping at spiders or whatever other spineless shit you were doing while your best friend was actually fighting wars, but it also took you that long to ask the DIME PIECE that is Hermione Granger out on a date. DO YOU HAVE EYES, RON?? This girl, for reasons that escape me, actually wants your dick and you’re like nah, could be more beautiful, smart, fantastic feminist fish in the sea. *Whispers “you fucking idiot”*
Also you had an ex-girlfriend named Lavender and that really just speaks volumes about you. Minus 1,000 points for Gryffindor.
9. Donna Pinciotti
Donna is one of those girls that’s always saying shit like “I’m just more of a guy’s girl” and “girls don’t really like me.” Yeah, like your man hands and deep voice didn’t have anything to do with that. To make matters worse, you had a Kelso in your clutches and yet you still chose scrawny-ass Eric Foreman. But you did manage to snag Jackie Burkhart as a bestie so that saves you from last place. Barely.
8. Ed Sheeran
I know, I know. I’m probably going to catch shit for this one since people seem to be fucking obsessed with this guy, but how can you expect me to take someone who looks like this seriously? HOW.
Does he not look like the emo kid you sat next to in your 8th grade social studies class who was always writing poems in a dirty notebook about how popular girls didn’t like him? Seriously, every time I look at this guy it’s like a fucking time warp back to middle school. You’re a GROWN man wearing a cloth necklace and the same zip-up sweatshirt every fucking day. If it weren’t for the fact that “Kiss Me” will be the song I play
when hell freezes over on my wedding day then you’d be right up there with Ron Weasley, buddy.
7. Lindsay Lohan
Sorry LiLo, you would be higher on the list but you’ve pulled so many batshit stunts over the years (re: that time she got an accent or that time she chopped off her thumb to stay relevant) that I barely remember you’re a redhead. Seventh place for you.
6. Miranda Hobbes
Aka the member of Carrie Bradshaw’s posse that’s having the least amount of sex in the city. Don’t you feel like she’s the kind of person who sets fires to feel joy? That spikey/lesbian/mom haircut that plagued you through the entire series is keeping you from moving up the list, but you did have some fire one-liners so at least you have that going for you.
5. Emma Stone
So I know she won an Oscar and, like, fucks Ryan Gosling in every movie she’s ever been in so that counts for something. I guess. But she’s also about as exciting as that basic AF dress she wore to the Oscars. You may be an Oscar winner to the world but your only mid-list here, Stone.
4. Sansa Stark
Way to turn getting fucked over my your boyfriend/king/betrothed into one hell of a second act. Sansa went from the most annoying character on GoT to one of the most badass all while having fantastic AF skin. #Goals.
3. The Entire Cast of Riverdale
When I first started watching this show I thought maybe the wine I was drinking that had been sitting on my bar cart for six months had finally expired or something because every fucking character on the show was a ginger. And HOT gingers. It’s like the laws of physics ceased to exist on my screen. First of all, Archie is just the gift that keeps on giving. He’s an athlete, singer/song writer, and he’s constantly flashing his six pack abs. Seriously, this boy is hot AF and I would def risk jail time in order to hit that à la Ms. Grundy.
Then there’s Cheryl Blossom aka the person I want to be when I grow up. She’s like a redheaded Regina George and her one-liners are the reason I get up in the mornings. I’ll even overlook the low-key incest vibes happening between her and her brother because she is that hot.
2. Ginger Spice
Ginger makes it on the list because A) she’s a Spice Girl so fucking duh she’s making the list and B) she’s BFFs with my favorite Spice Girl, Baby, and that counts for something. “Surround yourself with people who are a stepping stone to the people you actually want to be friends with”—a direct quote from my mother. Aside from being the Token Ginger, her signature look was anything that showed her cleavage. And like, same girl. Thank you for teaching me the important lesson of using a deep V shirt to get ahead. It served me well during my college years… and all my other years on this earth.
1. Prince Harry
ALL HAIL THE KING. Prince Harry is hands down the best redhead to ever grace this planet and I will fight you if you disagree. Not only is he a prince and like v rich and gorgeous but he’s also the prince who isn’t losing his hair rn and can coincidentally fuck marry a commoner like me. Cheers.
You don’t have to imbibe green beer to feel festive this St. Patrick’s Day. Did St. Patrick even like the color green? We’re guessing no—and we’re also guessing he didn’t load up on beer, because, being a saint, he probably knew the sins associated with carbs and bloating.
In honor of the dude who supposedly drove all the snakes out of Ireland, let’s raise of glass of Bushmills Irish Whiskey—in cocktail form—obviously. I mean, is there anything more Irish than whiskey and drinking? Was that racist? It’s fine; I’m Irish. Which is precisely why you won’t see me caught dead in one of those “Kiss Me, I’m Irish” tees. Anyway, enjoy this recipe courtesy of Bushmills:
Bushmills Red Bush Irish Old Fashioned
- 1.5 oz Bushmills Red Bush Whiskey
- 2 dashes Dead Rabbit Orinoco Bitters, or really any legit bitters you can find
- 1 tsp Honey Syrup — make this by boiling together equal parts honey and water until the honey is totally dissolved. You can save this in the fridge and use it for drizzling over yogurt, fruit, whatever you need to convince yourself you’re not an alcoholic
- 1 dash Lemon Oils — head to Whole Foods/your hippie aunt’s house for this
Got all that? Great. Gently mix everything together, then pour over ice (preferably 1 large cube OR one of those fancy whiskey stones). Gently stir all that shit and garnish with an orange twist! Hooray. Enjoy a slightly less bloated, but still just as hungover, day after St. Patrick’s Day.