This weekend is not an ordinary weekend; it’s a cool weekend it’s St. Patrick’s Day weekend. This makes St. Patrick’s Day extra special because it means unless you work in some unfortunate industry like food service, you won’t have to deal with puking up green shit in the trash can at work tomorrow. Bless. But this also means that the limit for the types of shenanigans you can get into this weekend does not exist. Irish car bombs? Rampant shit talking? A one-night stand with a ginger? A whole lot of nothing? See what the stars have in store for you this weekend.

Aries

This is a weekend meant for positivity, Aries. The past few weeks have been pretty heavy, and it’s time for you to reassess and start working on the things that make you happy. Not to get all zen and shit, but your mental health should really be a priority for the next 48 hours. Well, it should probably always be a priority, but especially now. Meditate, drink tea, sleep for two straight days, whatever. Just make sure you come out the other side with a semblance of peace of mind.

Taurus

It’s been a wild ride, Taurus. For the past few weeks it’s started to seem like your luck—whether Irish or not—was bottomless. But I’m here to tell you with all the wisdom that a horoscope writer possesses that, eventually, that luck will run out. Could be today. Could be tomorrow. It will most likely be Sunday night because I’ve always found that that’s when existential crises like to strike. With all this in mind, maybe consider taking a break from the wild life this weekend. Store up on some of that luck for the next time you need it, and you won’t have to worry about bottoming out next time.

Gemini

Sometimes shitty stuff happens, Gemini. By sometimes we mean literally all the time because life is hell as soon as puberty hits. There have been a few especially shitty moments in the past few months, we know that. This weekend put extra effort into just letting it all go. Seriously. All of it. Maybe over like 3-4 pints of Guinness. Grudges do nothing but build stress and early onset wrinkles. You don’t need either of those things in your life. Whatever it takes to get some closure, figure it out over the next two days. You’ll thank us when you don’t look like a sad prune come 40.

Cancer

I know this week has been wildly stressful, Cancer, which means this weekend entails only one thing for you: alcohol. Drink it with friends, drink it with family, drink it with some random tiny Irish dude who keeps giving you gold. The means of consumption does not matter, just as long as you’re consuming vast amounts. Treat yourself the next morning with a gloriously greasy breakfast that’ll have you hiding from bathing suits for the next month. Seriously, you’ve earned it.

Leo

No joke, Leos are probably the best person in the zodiac. You, without fail, always seem to prioritize the needs of other over yourself, even when your own life is just going to shit. It would be refreshing if it didn’t make the rest of us look so bad. So this weekend, after a lifetime of putting others first, try just thinking about yourself. Do what you want to do. Say what you want to say, without living out a cliché John Mayer song. Forget about everyone else. If your greatest desire for Saturday is to spend the day drunk on a beach somewhere, do it. If you want nothing more than to build a blanket fort and hibernate, go to town. Whatever you do, make sure it’s yours and yours only. You may find that you actually like it.

Virgo

Sad to say it Virgo, but it looks like you’re working for the weekend. This comes with good and bad news. The good? You’re making bank while your friends are dropping $60 on jaeger bombs. The bad? Your FOMO will be off the charts. Try not to think about that, and instead spend your time fantasizing about how you’ll spend that overtime cash. Then make up for all this work by blacking out next weekend before the Ubers are even called. It all works out in the end.

Libra

After months of being in the spotlight, it’s time for a goddamn break, Libra. Honestly. You’re burning the candle at both ends, and it’s not even a nice Anthropologie candle. It’s one of those sad bargain ones from Target that come in godforsaken flavors like Piña Colada and Winter Rain. So maybe consider taking the next couple days off from any kind of social interaction. Turn off your phone, go off the grid, and don’t look back until Monday. It could be refreshing, or it could result in mind-numbing anxiety, but I guess you won’t know until you find out.

Scorpio

This is a weekend to lay low, Scorpio. You’ve been going nonstop the past few weeks and your body (and wallet) need a rest. Tbh, your friends probably need a rest, too. As much as we love to witness it, a blackout Scorpio is no joke. So do yourself (and the greater public) a favor, and cuddle up with some takeout and some Netflix this weekend. Come Monday you’ll feel refreshed, if not a little bloated, and ready to take on the week.

Sagittarius

This weekend calls for some introspection, Sagittarius. While you may not know it, your actions can severely affect the people closest to you. Think about that the next time you have something to say that would be deemed critical by people with actual functioning emotions. I know it sounds crazy, but they do exist. For the next couple days, start pausing and thinking before you speak. You may find that some of the things that were about to roll off your tongue were kind of condescending. It’s cool, being condescending is literally one of our past times, but then again we run a bitchy website and you don’t. Take a little time to consider what you’re going to say, and you’ll be surprised by how far the effort goes.

Capricorn

You know how people say that it’s possible to have too much of a good thing? Well we’ve never shared that sentiment. Too much of good things just means more good things, which sounds pretty fucking chill in our book. This weekend, experience the finer things in life. It’s time to try all the good things. Act like you’re Marie Antoinette but no one’s coming to chop your head off yet. Let them eat cake, except, fuck that and save all the cake for yourself. Moderation is cool and all, but it can wait until next weekend.

Aquarius

I hope you filled out a March Madness bracket that was unceremoniously forced upon you by some dude in your office, because this weekend is looking like nothing but luck for you, Aquarius. Honestly, if there was ever a time to take up gambling, this is it. Take full advantage by pushing literally every relationship in your life to its very limit. Gamble with money, gamble with love, gamble with the lengths of your roommates’ patience for your general narcissism—odds are, you’re coming out on top.

Pisces

First of all, Pisces, how dare you. After a week of nonstop work, nonstop socializing, and generally just nonstop life, you still look like a human. Better than that, you look pretty fucking good, and it’s infuriating for the rest of us mere mortals. Seeing as how you’ve been keeping it together for this long, why not go for the gold? This weekend, do as much as you possibly can before you crash. Drinking all night? Check. Full day of activities Saturday? Check. Sunday chores? Check. At this rate, you’ll sleep through Wednesday, but at that point you’ll have earned it. God speed, my friend.

Ah, one of my favorite holidays is upon us. A holiday where it’s socially acceptable to pound $8 green beer and take home a redhead. But because we can’t have nice things, there will be those who will try to fuck it up for the rest of us by blinding our eyes rocking green themed looks. *takes slow, calming breath*

I guess this was bound to happen because any holiday that celebrates gingers is destined to be a clusterfuck beauty-wise, so here’s a list of all the least offensive ways to wear green on St. Patrick’s Day:

1. As An Eyeliner

Green eyeliner is the subtle way to look like you barely give a shit about this holiday, and we approve of this look. But for the love of god don’t go overboard here. The eyeliner should be the focal point of your whole look so don’t try and fuck it up by adding in green glitter eye shadow or some shit. 

2. Green Hair Streaks

This is for all my try-hards out there who can’t wait to document Instagram the shit out of this holiday. The key here is to be *subtle* with the hair streaks because this can either make you look hella cool or like a sea monster. Go for temporary mint-hued streaks à la the latest Fendi show if you want to look cool and creative like you give way too many shits.

3. Two-Toned Eye Shadow

This is the main beauty offender I see in between shots when I’m out at bars. Personally, I stopped buying green eye shadow around the same time I stopped crimping my hair, but for those of you who still sport the look I’m suggesting a two-toned eye shadow look in a more subtle shade of green, i.e. not the same color as the T-shirts everyone’s wearing. Start by applying a lighter green hue with a flat brush from the inner corner of the eye to the middle of the lid, and then add a darker shade on the outer corners. Blend, blend, and blend and make sure to apply black liner so you don’t look like a fucking leprechaun.

4. Dark Green Lips

Tbh I didn’t even want to put this one on the list but I thought there’d be a least one betch reading this who likes to push the envelope test my sanity. Even though it makes you look like you just sucked off Shrek, it is very spirited so FINE it makes the list. Go for a darker green lipstick to look more chic and less like I want to anonymously blast you on social media. You could also use a green lip liner to outline your lips for a more graphic effect. The liner lasts longer than lipstick and it won’t get all over your face while you’re celebrating getting shitfaced. 

5. Subtle Nails

This is probably the least offensive way to wear green today and that is why I left the best for last. Nail color is like an accessory, so go for an emerald or a mint color to compliment what you’ll be wearing, which I’m guessing is some form of all-black ensemble.

Or you could just go with the other signature look for this holiday: blackout. The choice is yours. Brb just gonna drink until I forget that people are actively sporting green lipstick of their own free will. 

Congratulations Betches, we made it to another St. Patrick’s Day. Nestled between Valentine’s Day and Easter (two much shittier holidays), St. Paddy’s Day is the one day of the year when people are actually nice to gingers. St. Patrick’s Day is the best kind of holiday, because no one really knows/cares where it comes from, but it’s an extremely solid reason to get wasted. It might have something to do with like the Irish potato famine? I think I remember hearing something about like, snakes or some shit? Is Taylor Swift somehow involved? Idk, we’re not historians. Either way, St. Patrick’s dayis where it’s acceptable—nay, required—to get so drunk you pee somewhere you’re not supposed to. And like, sure, you could be boring AF and drink a larger-than-normal glass of wine at your friend’s apartment, or you could have the time of your life at one of these iconic St. Paddy’s destinations. You decide. But just know we will be judging your decision. 

1. Chicago

We’ve all seen the photos of the river in downtown Chi, which they literally dye green every year. We have a lot of questions about the environmental impact of this, but we also just like to drink. Come to think of it, maybe they should fill the river with beer? Can fish drink beer? Idk. Anyway, if you’re lucky enough to be in Chicago come St. Pat’s, there’s a huge parade through the city, and there are also like a million Irish bars if you get cold outside (likely). TBH if you live anywhere in the Midwest, hop in a car because Chicago is where you need to be.

2. Savannah

This might seem random, but Savannah, Georgia has one of the biggest St. Patrick’s Day parades in the country. If you’re in the mood to get out of the city for a few days, head south to Savannah for a more culturally accurate version. If you’re feeling really Irish, you can even go to the official Catholic Mass before the parade, because God knows we all have some sins to atone for. Just remember, the communal wine is the blood of Christ, and not to be used for body shots. 

3. New Orleans

You’d think New Orleans might still be collectively hungover from Mardi Gras, but they always turn back up in time for St. Paddy’s. The Irish Channel Parade is conveniently located by some outstanding bars, and they’re known for throwing literal whole cabbages, so your Instagram caption can be a joke about boobs if you catch two. If you’re still in the mood to party once the official shit is over, don’t worry: the bars here literally don’t close. And, it bears repeating, you can walk around with open containers of alcohol in the streets—legally.

4. Boston

Boston has like 3 billion Irish people, so you know shit’s gonna get crazy. Too bad the weather is literally the worst. This year the blizzard is forcing them to cut the parade in half, which just means you’ll have to get drunk that much quicker. We don’t know a lot about Boston, but the parade goes through Southie, which means you’ll probably see the Afflecks and the Wahlbergs!!

5. New York

NYC has a huge St. Patrick’s Day parade on Fifth Avenue every year, so it’s basically like every other holiday in New York. There are also numerous official bar crawls happening, so if you’re in the mood to walk a few miles while you drink that’s a solid option. Either way, there’s always a way to have a good time in a city of 10 million people.

6. Dublin

If you’re trying to be as ~authentic~ as possible, save up and head to the motherland next year. They don’t fuck around, turning St. Paddy’s into a 4 day festival instead of one shitty parade. They light all the buildings with green lights and make it into a huge cultural event with tons of food, alcohol, and hopefully a few leprechauns. There’s Guinness literally everywhere you turn, so you have no excuse not to forget what country you’re in.

There’s nothing I love more than a holiday that encourages you to get shitfaced off green beer as an excuse to celebrate a part of your heritage that represents 2% of your genetic makeup. Seriously. I’m sure my great-great grandfather’s step-sister’s,cousin’s child who actually fucking lived in Ireland would be v proud of me for making out with that ginger in a dingy LES bar.

And the only way I feel I can properly show that love is to rank people who are 100% redheaded and most definitely not 100% Irish  for my own amusement. Side note: in the midst of chugging Guinness researching this piece I googled “popular redheads” and a number of porn sites came up. If that is not an indicator of how this article turned out then I don’t know what is. Anyway, here’s a list of our favorite redheads ranked in honor of St. Pat:

10. Ron Weasley

First of all, you’re poor. And not in the cute hipster/starving artist way that makes me want to pay all of your bills and fund your recreational cocaine problem, but rather in the I’m-going-to-complain-about-this-for-seven-fucking-books way while wearing an ugly fucking sweater. Secondly, not only did it take you seven years to grow some balls and actually help fight Lord Voldemort instead of gulping at spiders or whatever other spineless shit you were doing while your best friend was actually fighting wars, but it also took you that long to ask the DIME PIECE that is Hermione Granger out on a date. DO YOU HAVE EYES, RON?? This girl, for reasons that escape me, actually wants your dick and you’re like nah, could be more beautiful, smart, fantastic feminist fish in the sea. *Whispers “you fucking idiot”*

Also you had an ex-girlfriend named Lavender and that really just speaks volumes about you. Minus 1,000 points for Gryffindor.

9. Donna Pinciotti

Donna is one of those girls that’s always saying shit like “I’m just more of a guy’s girl” and “girls don’t really like me.” Yeah, like your man hands and deep voice didn’t have anything to do with that. To make matters worse, you had a Kelso in your clutches and yet you still chose scrawny-ass Eric Foreman. But you did manage to snag Jackie Burkhart as a bestie so that saves you from last place. Barely.

8.  Ed Sheeran

I know, I know. I’m probably going to catch shit for this one since people seem to be fucking obsessed with this guy, but how can you expect me to take someone who looks like this seriously? HOW.

Does he not look like the emo kid you sat next to in your 8th grade social studies class who was always writing poems in a dirty notebook about how popular girls didn’t like him? Seriously, every time I look at this guy it’s like a fucking time warp back to middle school. You’re a GROWN man wearing a cloth necklace and the same zip-up sweatshirt every fucking day. If it weren’t for the fact that “Kiss Me” will be the song I play when hell freezes over on my wedding day then you’d be right up there with Ron Weasley, buddy. 

7. Lindsay Lohan

Sorry LiLo, you would be higher on the list but you’ve pulled so many batshit stunts over the years (re: that time she got an accent or that time she chopped off her thumb to stay relevant) that I barely remember you’re a redhead. Seventh place for you.

6. Miranda Hobbes

Aka the member of Carrie Bradshaw’s posse that’s having the least amount of sex in the city. Don’t you feel like she’s the kind of person who sets fires to feel joy? That spikey/lesbian/mom haircut that plagued you through the entire series is keeping you from moving up the list, but you did have some fire one-liners so at least you have that going for you.
 

5. Emma Stone

So I know she won an Oscar and, like, fucks Ryan Gosling in every movie she’s ever been in so that counts for something. I guess. But she’s also about as exciting as that basic AF dress she wore to the Oscars. You may be an Oscar winner to the world but your only mid-list here, Stone.

4. Sansa Stark

Way to turn getting fucked over my your boyfriend/king/betrothed into one hell of a second act. Sansa went from the most annoying character on GoT to one of the most badass all while having fantastic AF skin. #Goals. 

3. The Entire Cast of Riverdale

When I first started watching this show I thought maybe the wine I was drinking that had been sitting on my bar cart for six months had finally expired or something because every fucking character on the show was a ginger. And HOT gingers. It’s like the laws of physics ceased to exist on my screen. First of all, Archie is just the gift that keeps on giving. He’s an athlete, singer/song writer, and he’s constantly flashing his six pack abs. Seriously, this boy is hot AF and I would def risk jail time in order to hit that à la Ms. Grundy. 

Then there’s Cheryl Blossom aka the person I want to be when I grow up. She’s like a redheaded Regina George and her one-liners are the reason I get up in the mornings. I’ll even overlook the low-key incest vibes happening between her and her brother because she is that hot. 

2. Ginger Spice

Ginger makes it on the list because A) she’s a Spice Girl so fucking duh she’s making the list and B) she’s BFFs with my favorite Spice Girl, Baby, and that counts for something. “Surround yourself with people who are a stepping stone to the people you actually want to be friends with”—a direct quote from my mother. Aside from being the Token Ginger, her signature look was anything that showed her cleavage. And like, same girl. Thank you for teaching me the important lesson of using a deep V shirt to get ahead. It served me well during my college years… and all my other years on this earth.

1. Prince Harry

ALL HAIL THE KING. Prince Harry is hands down the best redhead to ever grace this planet and I will fight you if you disagree. Not only is he a prince and like v rich and gorgeous but he’s also the prince who isn’t losing his hair rn and can coincidentally fuck marry a commoner like me. Cheers.

You don’t have to imbibe green beer to feel festive this St. Patrick’s Day. Did St. Patrick even like the color green? We’re guessing no—and we’re also guessing he didn’t load up on beer, because, being a saint, he probably knew the sins associated with carbs and bloating.

In honor of the dude who supposedly drove all the snakes out of Ireland, let’s raise of glass of Bushmills Irish Whiskey—in cocktail form—obviously. I mean, is there anything more Irish than whiskey and drinking? Was that racist? It’s fine; I’m Irish. Which is precisely why you won’t see me caught dead in one of those “Kiss Me, I’m Irish” tees. Anyway, enjoy this recipe courtesy of Bushmills:

Bushmills Red Bush Irish Old Fashioned

• 1.5 oz Bushmills Red Bush Whiskey
• 2 dashes Dead Rabbit Orinoco Bitters, or really any legit bitters you can find
• 1 tsp Honey Syrup — make this by boiling together equal parts honey and water until the honey is totally dissolved. You can save this in the fridge and use it for drizzling over yogurt, fruit, whatever you need to convince yourself you’re not an alcoholic
• 1 dash Lemon Oils — head to Whole Foods/your hippie aunt’s house for this

Got all that? Great. Gently mix everything together, then pour over ice (preferably 1 large cube OR one of those fancy whiskey stones). Gently stir all that shit and garnish with an orange twist! Hooray. Enjoy a slightly less bloated, but still just as hungover, day after St. Patrick’s Day.
 

Well, tis the season for green booze, again. But before you go dry-heaving reminiscing about last year’s rivers of green vomit, do yourself a favor and make a legit, delicious, and decadent alcoholic Shamrock Shake. You won’t find this shit at McDonald’s. Is it diet friendly? No. Is it a dessert in and of itself? Hell yas. This recipe is an easy AF way to take your St. Paddy’s day pregame to the next level. You’re definitely going to want to do this for the pregame, BTW. This recipe is easy but not like, doable-after-a-pub-crawl easy. I can barely even re-heat soup after a pub crawl, TBH. Best to stay away from the blender. 

Ingredients

• 1 ¾ cups Vanilla Ice Cream — get the good shit
• ¼ cup Crème de Menthe
• ¼ cup vanilla vodka
• Three to four sprigs fresh mint

Take all that shit and throw it in your Vitamix. Blend until smooth. Top off with whipped cream and a cherry to feel festive. Shit, throw some mini chocolate chips in there to make yourself feel better and get ready to wake up tomorrow morning and wonder what happened to all your vanilla ice cream.