The Betches’ Bachelorette Guide To Tulum

Planning sucks, and bachelorette parties are a ton of work. So we’re taking all the guesswork out of planning a bachelorette party by breaking down top bachelorette destinations. Our guides will tell you where to stay, eat, party, how to get around, and give you a sample itinerary that you can follow. You’re welcome.

If the last time you went to Mexico was spring break senior year, you’re in serious need of a below-the-border refreshment. I mean refresher…whatever. Any bride who loves a white sand beach, relatively affordable accommodations, and truly killer quesadillas needs to take her girls to Tulum, like, yesterday. This dream of a city may be a slight bitch to get to from anywhere that isn’t another Mexican city, but once you’re there, you will likely never want to leave.

Look, Tulum is famous for being Mexico’s chicest beach town where you can chill as hard as you party. The best part? Heels are basically forbidden here, so you can stop worrying about coming home from a weekend of raging with a broken ankle. If you’re already sold on Tulum, read on for specifics on where to get your bachelorette equivalent of GTL on.

How To Get There

Obv, if you live on the West Coast, you’ve basically already made it! The only thing that truly sucks about bach-ing in Tulum (or any other Mexican city) is that you can’t fly directly there because there are only four international airports in the entire country of Mexico. Qué??? The closest one to Tulum is Cancún International Airport, which is still a solid two-hour drive away. Speaking of which, do not attempt to drive in Mexico because you will die. Hire a driver who knows the roads and wants to deliver you and your party safely, soundly, and still breathing to your hotel. There’s also a shuttle you can take from the airport, but like, no. The shuttle drops you off in the center of the city and then you have to figure out your hotel, so, like, hablas español? Unless your only baggage is a Ziploc of snacks from the plane, navigating the streets of Tulum will stress you the f*ck out, so just spring for a driver and call it a day.

If you’re coming from the East Coast, all of the above still applies to you, but give yourself a day of travel on either end since getting to Tulum will take even longer. Four hours on a plane may not be so bad, but when you factor in waiting around in the mosh pit TSA calls “security” in addition to the drive from the Cancún airport, nearly an entire century day has passed. If you are in the mood to save a little cash, plan your bach party during off-season, which will guarantee you the cheapest flights/hotel. The only downside to going during Tulum’s off-season is that you may have to cancel your Halloween, Thanksgiving and Christmas/Hanukkah/Kwanza plans because October through December is the best time to go. Awkward. Lastly, and this may be the most important sentence of this story, do not drink the tap water.

Where To Stay

If your party is relatively small (I’ll let you decide what small is), staying in a hotel is your safest bet, and we highly recommend La Zebra. It’s technically a boutique hotel, but it has a private beach with chaises that more comfortable than most people’s beds, restaurants, a pool, bars and a spa that will take away all traces of a stressful life in the real world. The only meh thing about this place is that the pool was def for swimming and not for, like, lounging on chaises to tan and take pics. In other words, it’s in the shade, which, like no. Who goes to Mexico for the shade?

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Our winter. Make it yours ??? #AuthenticMexican #LaZebraTulum #LaZebraHotel #Tulum #Mexico #TulumMexico

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Anyway, the pool sitch aside, La Zebra is definitely where you’ll spend most of your time because the food is good and the beach is huge. One more thing about the hotel before moving onto more important things, like where to party, whether you have a beach view or a garden view from your guest room, you can’t lose because all of the rooms have huge windows with breathtaking vistas outside.

How To Get Around

Unless the restaurant/bar/excursion is exceedingly far, you’ll want to walk everywhere, which is great because #steps, but also because the main area of Tulum is one long narrow street that’s lined with charming and Instagrammable shops, hotels, and cafes. If adorable painted ceramic bowls are everything your dreams are made of, you will absolutely die on Tulum Beach Road. And if you want to shop for other things like espadrille wedges and crochet bikinis, be prepared to spend more than $100. But, like it’s worth it because you get to respond to “I love your shoes! Where are they from?” with a casual “This little shop in Tulum. You can’t get them in the States.” Is there anything more satisfying than that?

Where To Eat

As is with any weekend getaway, good food is paramount and can make or break a trip. Full disclosure, La Zebra has delicious food (get the shrimp tacos), but if you don’t want to be a hermit the whole trip, there are so many amazing holes in the wall and fine dining locales in Tulum, but for the sake of space and keeping your attention, I’m only going to talk about our tried-and-true faves in no particular order. Hartwood is famous for its food, and with most famous places, you need to book your reservation way ahead of time, but unless you’re a man, that seems pretty doable. It’s a tiny place that cooks and grills all of the food via open fire inside their hand-made wood-burning oven. I mean, can we get a Hartwood in New York please?

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The #PulpoTostadas started off as a family meal. After boiling the heads from the day’s #pulpo #asado, we tossed them with dressing and piled them on fried tortillas. From our new book, HARTWOOD—on sale October 20. #HartwoodBook Photo: Gentl & Hyers.

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Next on the list is Rosa Negra, which means Black Rose in Spanish. If you don’t love this place already, what is wrong with you? Anyway, the second you sit down at your table here, it becomes immediately clear that Rosa Negra knows what they are doing. The servers and the vibe make it feel like your table is the party. You order apps and drinks first, but the because the apps are exceptionally good, you’ll most likely order, like, all of them and not be hungry by the time the mains arrive.Not to worry, though! They clear the table at the speed of light and then the music starts blasting. They play songs you’ll want to scream to, like “Mama Mia” and “Sweet Caroline.” The only caveat, which isn’t really a caveat, is that you must be drunk. Otherwise you feel kind of weird living out your drunk truth while other people are just trying to enjoy their dinners.

Where To Party

Start the partying at Papaya Playa Project, which is basically the Mexican version of Project X…in a good way, though. Full disclosure about PPP: it’s not fun if you are a group without a table. Tables are def expensive, but completely worth it because PPP is a gigantic rager on the beach, so if you don’t want to repeat your weekend at Oktoberfest, where you lost your friends the moment you arrived, get and stay at a table. Otherwise you’re wandering around alone in a giant crowd of drunken youths, which I can’t think of anything worse, can you?

There’s also a face-painting station, which makes you feel like you’re a kid at the best birthday party in town, but in, like, a fun alcoholic way. The only thing about PPP that I won’t rave about is the aggressively abrupt end to the party, which happens at exactly 3am. You may think the speakers accidentally got unplugged or the DJ f*cked up, but no, the party just ends and then you’re on your own. K.

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Thank you all for an incredible night! Another memorable Full Moon Party – this time with @matthewdekay @yokoo_dj @yosoymommusic & @litos_music #Tulum #Celebration #originalexperiences #papayaplayaproject #fullmoonparty

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Friday, Day 1:

1.Arrive and check into your hotel.
2. Unpack and take obligatory shot of mezcal.
3. Change into your bathing suit and go to the beach or chill in your room (if you’re a bad friend) before dinner.
3. Dinner at Gitano, which turns into a party as the night wears on, but it’s def not a rager.
4. Party a little harder at bars that are close by, including but not limited to Casa Jaguar, Todos Santos, and Batey.

Saturday, Day 2:

1. Wake up! If you’re an early riser (gross), head down to the pool and/or beach for some peace and quiet before the others wake up.
2. Lunch at either Ziggy’s, Taboo, or La Zebra. Prob go to one of the first two options and then come back to Le Zebra (if you’re staying there) for free chaises because #savedatmoney and chaises at other hotels are about $50 per person. No thx!
3. Visit cenotes, or underwater sinkholes, which, if you’ve seen Sisters, is nothing like what you think a sinkhole is. It looks like a beautiful underwater cave, and guess which city is famous for having the most beautiful cenotes? Tulum! Swim, snorkel or ‘Gram the day away here.
4. Head back to the hotel to shower and get ready for the night ahead.
5. Pregame and party Papaya Playa Project, which will most definitely turn into a long and alcohol-infused evening.
6. Sweet sleep

Sunday, Day 3:

1. Buenos días!
2. Chill by the beach or shaded pool if you thought you could outsmart the sun and are now an unsightly shade of pink.
3. Lunch at one of the places you didn’t eat at yesterday, then either fork of $50 or be cheap and head back to the hotel for a relatively chill afternoon because…
4. Dinner and best night of your life at Rosa Negra.
5.Sleep? At this point, it may already be the next day, in which case

Monday, Day 4:

1.For the love of God, sleep in
2. Last day by the pool/beach for a quick tan touch-up before checking out of the hotel and heading back to your lives where dinner is just dinner.

Images: Shutterstock; papayaplayaproject, hartwoodtulum, lazebratulum / Instagram

These Are The Four Types Of Girls You Always See At Brunch

Going to brunch is a sacred rite of betchdom, and the brunch crew that you assemble to meet every Sunday for mimosas is low-key the most important relationship in any betch’s life. I mean sure, family is up there, but is family gonna be there for you when you black out at 1pm on a Sunday and end up texting your ex a screenshot of Taylor Swift lyrics? Nah. That’s a job for your brunch crew. Within that crew, there are very specific roles that must be played. Each brunch crew must have:
1) “The Social Media Addict,” aka the person who spend the entire brunch on her phone, snapping photos and demanding you like them. This behavior is only annoying until she takes a fire pic of you in amazing lighting that gets 100+ likes. Then you remember why she’s such an integral part of the crew.

2) “The Deathly Hungover One,” aka the person who should actually be in the hospital but somehow made it to brunch. This person will puke 3-4 times throughout the meal and somehow also drink more than anyone.

3) “The One Who’s Always Extra,” aka the one who always brings the drama. Every week, some catastrophe has befallen this person, whether it be running into her ex at the bar or being tagged in a sub-par photo. 90% of brunch will be spent figuring out this betch’s life problems, and she will ignore 100% of the advice your crew provides.

4) “The Annoying Healthy One,” aka the one who just came from hot yoga and won’t shut tf up about it. She’ll order the tiniest salad possible and spend the entire brunch talking about her diet. Most of the time you want to kill her, but she’s great for that one week a month where you decide to go to the gym.

5) “The No-Show,” aka the person who was maybe kidnapped last night. Has anyone seen Emily? Who was the last person to get her? Wait…

Check Out Our Video ‘The Types Of Girls You Meet At Brunch’ Below:


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The 10 Drunk Vacation Personalities Explained By Kim Kardashian

The group vacation is a rite of passage for every betchy friend group and are basically bachelorette parties where everyone is the bride. No matter what roles you play in your friend group back home, as soon as you step off the plane in Ibiza, you become your Vacation Self, aka an entirely different person. The friend who is usually the designated driver suddenly becomes the person who is blacked out on the beach at 4pm. The serial dater who never fucks on the first date is suddenly showing random men her boobs for a dollar, and your one friend who is always in bed by 9pm hasn’t gone to sleep in three full days. It’s a magical time. This phenomenon is known as the Vacation Transformation and no one has exemplified it better than the Archangel Kimberly Noel Kardashian West who has been live-tweeting her current group vacay to Mexico where they are celebrating Kourtney Kardashian’s birthday and, apparently, getting lit AF.

— Kim Kardashian West (@KimKardashian) April 25, 2017


Umm…is that a pink dildo? I’m pretty sure it is. No idea what’s going on here, tho:

— Kim Kardashian West (@KimKardashian) April 25, 2017


Based off Kim’s tweets, we’ve have been able to identify the 10 types of vacation personalities your friend group is likely to assume once they take that very first sip of vacation tequila.

1. The Planner

— Kim Kardashian West (@KimKardashian) April 25, 2017

There’s always at least one person on the vacation who has at least some semblance of their shit together. And by “have their shit together” we mean “has Googled things to do at your destination.” This is the friend who shows up at the beach armed with a list of every local happy hour and an extremely aspirational agenda for the day that will probably get thrown off the rails as soon as you guys are done with breakfast mimosas. Even still, this person will probably be responsible for some of the most Instagrammable moments of the trip, like that free cooking class you guys blacked out in took on the beach, or that foam party you went to for like 5 minutes before somebody smelled pee and you made a hasty retreat.

2. The Sex Addict

— Kim Kardashian West (@KimKardashian) April 25, 2017

Most people who are on vacation are at least in some way looking to get fucked, meaning that there will be (at least) one person in your vacation group who takes this goal a little too far. They’re the friend who started scoping out potential hookups on the plane over and got your 40-year-old married cab driver’s number “just in case.” While this person may be a straight, mild-mannered Dr. Jekyll back home, they become a horny AF pansexual Mr. Hyde as soon as hotel check-in is complete. The benefit of having The Sex Addict on your trip is that they’re usually not just looking to get fucked for themselves, they’re looking for everybody to get fucked and will usually come back to the Airbnb each night with 5-10 good hookup prospects to be shared among the friend group. Just maybe make sure this person has made their own sleeping arrangements because anybody who rooms with them is either spending the night in the hallway or falling asleep to the sounds of sloppy drunk sex for the entirety of the vacation.

3. The Violent Extremist

— Kim Kardashian West (@KimKardashian) April 25, 2017

There is always at least one person in your friend group who will use the vacay to express some of the inner rage that they’ve been building up over the course of the year, and this person is known as The Violent Extremist. This is the friend who seems fine one second, takes like two shots of tequila, and is suddenly getting into it with some rando girl at the bar for talking to “her” bartender. This person is essential for establishing your dominance over other nice girls at the club and for making sure that any person who dares fuck with you (or thinks about fucking with you) is dealt with accordingly. Just make sure you have a bail fund set aside for when they are inevitably arrested for spitting on Elsa at Disney World.

4. The Vacation Alcoholic

— Kim Kardashian West (@KimKardashian) April 25, 2017

I mean, we’re all drunk on vacation. That’s a given. But one person in your friend group (maybe it’s you?) will make it their mission to be 100% intoxicated 100% of the time. This person starts drinking on the plane and doesn’t sober up until United is having them forcibly removed from their return flight for trying to bring a dog on the plane. No matter what level of drunkenness this person achieves in their home life, they will be multiplying that by about a thousand while on vacation. This person has some sort of fruity cocktail in their hand every second, and wakes you up every morning with freshly poured shots. While this behavior is absolutely appropriate for any and all vacations, you will absolutely have to stage an intervention if what happened in Cabo does not, in fact, stay there.

5. The Nudist

— Kim Kardashian West (@KimKardashian) April 25, 2017

Vacations are a time to leave all your troubles behind, and by troubles, we mean clothes. Any group vacation will be incomplete without the person who refuses to put on clothes for the duration of the trip. This person will roll up to the beach in the kind of bikini that makes you say, “is this an Emperor’s New Clothes situation or is this chick naked?” You will literally have to force this betch into a sarong any time you want to leave the beach, and she’ll probably suggest nude hot tubbing multiple times before just hopping in there naked and making it happen. This person is different than The Sex Addict because for them, it’s not sexual. They’re just trying to be free. And low-key show off the beach body they’ve been working on literally all year.

6. The Narco 

— Kim Kardashian West (@KimKardashian) April 25, 2017

One of the hardest parts of leaving home is figuring out where to get drugs, but luckily, the group Narco is already on the case. This person begins scoping out sketchy-looking locals connections as soon as you guys hit the beach. Just leave this person to their own devices and they will find you a hookup. One minute you may be shocked to see your finance bro-loving bestie chatting up some white guy with dreads, only to realize that he just sold her a year’s supply of molly which you guys are now required to finish in the course of three days. You know what they say, seek and ye shall find. And this bitch is seeking hard.

7. The Lone Wolf

— Kim Kardashian West (@KimKardashian) April 25, 2017

There’s always at least one person in a vacation group who will just straight up disappear halfway through the trip only to show up at check out like you guys didn’t already file a police report. On the plane ride back, you’ll find out that this person spent the entire week basically becoming a local, and they’ll casually know the name of every rando person on the street because they basically are all best friends now. They’re also the most likely to start a vacation romance that you’ll all have to hear about for the duration of the plane ride home, and will be a fruitful source of thirsty Instagram likes for basically the rest of their natural lives. Also don’t be surprised if this person turns up at the hotel one night with some club promoter they met on the beach and a shiny new wedding ring and is like “surpriissseeee!”

8. The Wounded Soldier

— Kim Kardashian West (@KimKardashian) April 25, 2017

No vacation is complete without the person who injures themselves day one and forces everyone to spend a night in the beach hospital. This person will then spend the rest of the vacation hitting up bars while on crutches and thoroughly ignoring everything the doctor said about not getting sand in your stitches. They’ll be an infinite source of sympathy shots from people who don’t realize that they’re actually having the time of their life, and will somehow end up partying harder than everybody else, probably to overcompensate for the fact that they got run over by a scooter on the first day of spring break. Be nice to this person. They probably have painkillers.

9. The Social Media Strategist

— Kim Kardashian West (@KimKardashian) April 25, 2017

Thank God for this person. They’re the ones who basically take it upon themselves to turn your vacation into a social media takeover, ensuring that all your lame-ass friends who ignored your planning email feel major FOMO over what appears to be the greatest vacation in the history of vacations. They take all the pictures, snap all the Snaps, and gram all the ‘Grams, while making sure that nobody in the group goes rogue and posts a subpar group pic or reveals the fact that you all wasted an entire day being hungover in your Airbnb. When you return to real life and people won’t stop telling you how amazing your trip looked, it’ll all be because of this person’s tireless work.

10. The One That’s Just Sitting Here On The Beach With Their Flawless Body

— Kim Kardashian West (@KimKardashian) April 25, 2017

If this is you, congratulations, you’re Kim Kardashian and you won vacation. This is the person who somehow achieves what we all set out to achieve while going on vacation: rest and relaxation. They will return home tan, loose, and full of electrolytes. They also somehow magically remember everything that happened and though you distinctly remember them being by your side for any and all shot-taking, they are able to give a full account of your vacay without having to say, “and then I blacked out so I’m not sure what happened on Wednesday.” They’re basically the group unicorn, and I’m honestly unsure if they even truly exist.