If you’ve already been bombarded with invitations for upcoming spring weddings, mazel tov and welcome to adulthood. We’re all for basking in the glow of happiness and love, but being subjected to the same spring wedding trends over and over (and over) can get, well, boring. Just because spring weddings aren’t super common doesn’t mean we haven’t seen the same floral decor everywhere. If you’re planning a spring wedding for 2020 (or a quickie elopement for April or May) here are a few trends you’re encouraged to remove from the nuptials narrative, if you will. In other words, avoid these wedding trends for spring like Miranda Priestly would avoid florals.
1. Flower Crowns
This isn’t Coachella circa 2012. Flower crowns definitely had their moment in the spotlight a few years ago when literally everything was boho-inspired or nature-centric, but it’s time for this particular trend to go back from whence it came, which, I assume, is the Indio desert. Flowers in a bride’s hair are absolutely acceptable, but forcing 10 bridesmaids to have woven crowns of orchids or roses or some rare poisonous bloom I’ve never heard of? No thanks.
2. Succulents As Gifts
They’ll die. You’re dooming that cute cactus and that adorable baby aloe plant to be left behind and thrown away, or to sit in a car until it shrivels and dies, or to be sentenced to a life of being nibbled on by a passive-aggressive cat. Give your guests something they’ll use and love immediately, like extra bags of cookies or local honey.
3. Hand-Painted Signs
I don’t care how much money you saved on Etsy. The whole boho-chic wood sign with calligraphy trend is dead to me and probably to the majority of your cooler guests. If you have attendants or a wedding planner or other people like that working your wedding, use them to usher guests to their seats. Additionally, let’s curtail the poems about how we’re all family and we don’t need to pick a side. Of course I’m picking a side. Unless you want me to sit in the middle of the aisle, which I can also arrange.
4. Bare Feet
This feels like disease ready to strike. If you’re planning on saying vows at the edge of the ocean in the heat of summer, fine, ditch the shoes. Treat yourself. However, if your wedding is set on a quaint farm in the mountains and the temperature is hovering around 60, please don’t go barefoot. It’s tacky, we know you’ve lost feeling in the tips of your toes, and all I want to do is throw some nice warm wool socks at you. I can’t help it. I’m very nurturing.
I’m hopeful that this trend, which seems more likely at weddings taking place March through June, is slowly going to make its way back to children’s playrooms where it belongs. That’s neat if your sorority used pink and grey chevron to spark joy; seeing this zigzag pattern on tablecloths, napkins, and runners is one of those spring wedding trends that makes me (and, likely, the rest of your guests) feel carsick.
6. Insanely Large Bouquets
I get that it’s spring and flowers are blooming and you want everyone to know just how dedicated to pretty things you are. That’s great. But oversize bouquets are heavy, take focus off of you in pictures, and tend to be extraordinarily expensive. Instead, opt for daintier pairings of fresh wildflowers or classic tea roses, hydrangea, or lilac. Skip the giant arrangements of daisies and baby’s breath.
Images: Omar Lopez / Unsplash; Shutterstock (5)
The idea that destination weddings are not the most convenient for your guests isn’t new, but people keep having them, so I guess it’s time I say my piece. It’s not that I’ve never wanted to go to Bermuda. It isn’t that I find The Maldives anything but quaint. It totally isn’t that I’m not looking forward to a 10 hour flight with two layovers on the way for a two-day total trip. It definitely isn’t that I don’t want to spend $1,000 just to get to the wedding of a couple I am v lukewarm about anyway.
Destination weddings are parties meant to alienate your friends and family. No offense, but it’s true. If your wedding involves a location that a) is hard to get a direct flight to; b) is impossible or extremely difficult to drive to; or c) involves really expensive hotels or resorts REGARDLESS of season, you’re planning a fucking destination wedding.
If you demand everyone travel for your special day, let’s get a few things straight about what’s going through your guests’ heads.
1. You Were Clearly Trying To Weed Out
The Unwanted Guests
I FEEL YOU. Really, I do. Destination weddings are the best way to weed out my least favorite thing: KIDS! If you think about it, though, don’t you think it’s, like, kinda sad to ensure Great Aunt Gertrude can’t come because she shits herself at the sight of a plane? Or like, aren’t you kinda telling all the people who can’t afford a $600 flight and $300/night hotel to go fuck themselves? I get it—I love being mean. But stay woke about what you’re doing.
2. I Love You, But Bot THAT Much
Girl, we’ve been friends for years, but fuck you for making me hop three planes, pay $6 in the airport for a Cinnabon so I didn’t pass out, live in a hotel for a few days, and then watch you get drunk and say some things to another person. I love you, but, also, fuck you.
3. I Don’t Want To Get You A Gift, Too
I feel SUPER rude for not getting you a gift, but you aren’t worth a $2,000 trip AND $200 worth of towels for your guest bathroom. Sister is trying to save up for that new pair of Louboutins.
4. It’s Not Even A Real Vacation
Like, don’t get me wrong—if you invite me to your destination wedding on St. Jamaica-Tropez-Bartholomew in the Indian Ocean, it should count as a vacay. But the thing is, it won’t be. If I’m IN the wedding, my day(s) will be taken up with wedding shit. If I’m not, now I’m trapped on an island waiting for wedding stuff to commence. My typical vacays consist of laying around, sunning my pale, round body, and drinking heavily. This will only check one of those boxes.
5. I Don’t have Unlimited Days Off
I wish I did. But, I don’t. And what I REALLY don’t have is two days to spare for travel, two days to spare for your big day, and one day to fucking readjust my body after drinking somewhere with a huge time difference. Life is hard.
6. I Will Literally Be Trapped On An Island For God Knows How Long
I totally love your fam, but not trapped-on-an-island love them. What if my plus one can’t come? What if my flight gets delayed? What if there’s a hurricane? (Why did I just describe the atmosphere of Fyre Festival?) It’s not like I can spend any of my time with you since you, like, had the nerve to get married this weekend. You’re literally so rude.
7. I’ll Get To Spend Five Minutes With You
Yah, I’m going to see you for all of 30 seconds when you and your now-hubby make the rounds to thank everyone for coming. Then I’m going to sit and drink my probs rum-based drink and eat my expensive hamburger alone, sadly.
Bottom line: Go get married somewhere cool, but don’t expect your guests to like it or attend. Shit, we may not even send gifts if we’re, like, mad.
Images: Anne Edgar / Unsplash; Giphy (5)
Well folks, we made it. The hiatus that happens from July to September where wedding season takes a quick little breather because it’s hot as balls and the bride doesn’t want to give her guests heat stroke sweat off her makeup. But don’t think you’re out of the woods yet, twentysomething betches. Shit will pick up again in a month or so when it finally cools down and fall hits. So to prepare you for the second wave wedding fever, we’re telling you what kind of bride has her wedding in each of the different seasons. Spoiler alert: they’re all basic af because all brides are basic af. Fucking duh. But here’s what makes them sorta different.
Spring: The Classic Bride
As much as going to weddings can suck, the ones I hate going to the least usually take place in the spring. The colors are pretty. I can wear anything from a pastel sundress to an LBD depending on how bad I wanna get laid I’m feeling. And it’s not too hot or too cold. All you need is a light jacket. The best part about spring weddings is they’re not all the fucking same. Fall weddings have identical color palettes (plum, burgundy, navy, repeat). Winter weddings are icy winter wonderland themed. And summer weddings are so fucking hot I just blackout so who even knows. While brides from other seasons are busy trying to show how original and edgy they are with their non-spring weddings, the spring bride is busy having a pretty, fun, chill wedding. And because spring marks the start of wedding season, I’m not totally over it yet where I’d rather pledge sobriety than go to another person’s big day.
Summer: The Bridezilla
Ugh. The summer bride aka the fucking worst. Now full disclosure… I am from Georgia so anyone who gets married down here in the summer is literally Satan because chances are at least one person will have a heat stroke and die. But tbh, no matter where you live, the summer bride is probs a total bridezilla. Mainly because they’re selfish af. No one wants to go to your stupid wedding in the summer. We want to go to the beach on the weekends or a pool party or some shit. The last thing any betch wants to do is wear a black-tie dress with a full face of makeup and a blowout just to sweat her ass off and end up looking like total shit. And this selfishness doesn’t just apply to the wedding day. Those closest to the summer bride know the entire wedding planning process has been absolute hell. This is the type of girl that makes her bridal party pay for her $10k gown because she just DGAF about anyone but herself. And don’t even get me started on brides who choose to get married on Memorial Day weekend, July Fourth or Labor Day weekend. You are a monster.
Fall: The Extra Basic Bride
Like I said at the beginning of this post, all brides are basic af. The fall bride, however, takes it to a whole new level. What makes them even more annoying is that they think they’re hella original because they’re not getting married in the spring. And I promise you they won’t shut up about it. The fall bride will constantly tell you how they didn’t want a standard springy color palette and how instead of signature cocktails they’re opting for a pumpkin spice latte and/or s’mores station and every other tiny thing that’s happening at the wedding that ties into fall. Like STFU, Karen. The only things I care about is that your wedding has an open bar and a hot enough groomsman for me to make out with.
Winter: The Trendy Bride
Out of all the seasons to choose from, winter is the only one that comes across as somewhat original. And for the record, I’m not talking about brides who do Christmas-themed weddings because I don’t even know how to classify them. Weird maybe? Idk. Winter weddings are usually smaller and more intimate with a cozy vibe that makes guests feel like they’re actually important instead of just someone the couple wanted there to look like more people like them than they actually do. The winter bride will probs wear a sexy nightgown-esque wedding dress with a fur shawl, a dark lip and retro Hollywood glam hair to make it appropriate for the season. In a few years, people will start catching on and winter brides will be the extra basic ones, but for now they’re still (slightly) ahead of the curve.