Do you smell that? The slight scent of cinnamon in the air—which, by the way, is feeling much crisper? Fall is officially here, and for many people, that means things like pumpkin flavored coffee and wearing throw blankets as scarves. But for the girlies who colored their nails with black Sharpie in middle school and called themselves goth and haven’t updated their personality since, it’s the beginning of spooky season! There are plenty of ~terrifying~ activities to indulge in, like haunted houses and the like. But that’s all just so overdone. Prove you’re really about that life by tackling one of these truly harrowing tasks.
An Escape Room With Your Parents
Just picture it: You’re locked in some themed room, with a bunch of vague puzzles to solve and a time limit. If the ticking clock wasn’t stressful enough, you’ll also have to answer questions from the people who gave you life about if this activity fits in your (non-existent) budget and why you’re not dating anyone, all while your parents bicker because your dad thinks he knows best and your mom feels he never listens to her. Meanwhile, you know how to actually get you all out of the room, if only your parents would shut up and let you speak for two minutes. If your parents are natural puzzle-solvers, or simply well-adjusted people, then you can borrow mine for this exercise.
Sit Alone In A Dark Room
It’s like the original escape room, but the puzzles are just the intrusive thoughts you’re constantly trying to keep at bay. If you can handle sitting alone in a dark room with nothing else to keep you occupied, there’s probably nothing that scares you. In fact, I’m kind of scared of you.
Go On A Road Trip Without GPS
Sure, you could get lost in a corn maze, but that’s just so passé. Turn that lost-in-a-corn-maze feeling into an immersive experience, complete with real danger, by setting a destination and trying to get there without a GPS. That includes your phone, obviously. I think you can use this old document called a map to get around? Nothing spookier than trying to use outdated tech!
Make A Doctor’s Appointment
By yourself. Without your mom’s help or encouragement. Even scarier? You can’t rehearse what you’re going to say beforehand, either out loud or in your head. Good luck!
Try To Spell ‘Definitely’ Without Looking It Up
Since I gave you that one as a freebie, now try the place you go to to eat dinner cooked by a chef and brought to you by a server. You can’t do it, can you?
Express A Genuine Emotion
Laughter is not an emotion. Covering it up with self-deprecation doesn’t count! Nervously chuckling at the end of a vulnerable emotion doesn’t count, either. And I know what you’re thinking, and no, you can’t blame mercury retrograde. Or your recent alcohol consumption, sleep-deprivation, or menstrual cycle. You have to let people see the real, uninhibited, excuse-free you. I would honestly rather pay to go to one of those haunted houses where I have to sign a waiver that it’s legally fine if they kill me.
Images: Russell Ferrer / Unsplash
The universe is ringing in spooky season the best way it knows how: by turning us all into monsters. With Mars in Aries squaring up with Pluto in Capricorn, it’s basically inevitable that you’re going to be the most ghoulish version of yourself. Don’t be surprised if the anger that’s been simmering in your emotional cauldron bubbles up this week, or if you start throwing out curses like it’s nobody’s business. Blame it on that virgin who lit the black flame candle…
Aries
You know what’s really scaring people this week? Your temper. Coworkers beware, because with Mars retrograding in your sign and Pluto firing up your career sector you have absolutely zero time for slackers, bullsh*tters, and people who still haven’t figured out how to put themselves on mute. Honestly you might wanna draft up an “I’m sorry for my tone at the morning meeting” email now. You’re gonna need it.
Taurus
Your dreams will quickly become a Nightmare on Elm Street if you keep letting your practical nature hold you back from taking risks, Taurus! Mars and Venus are both super-charging your imagination this week, which could go one of two ways. Either you let the inspiration flow and let your creative self take charge, or you spin out on an anxiety spiral about everything that could go wrong. Might I suggest the former?
Gemini
Time to finally face the monster under your bed, aka commitment. A relationship might be on the precipice of getting serious, or being trapped limbo forever. Now is the time to decide what it is you want, or to let the relationship go into the light. Rest in peace, former fling. You will be missed.
Cancer
Oh the horror! Your personal and professional life are about to get frighteningly tangled. This fight to the death that’s raging inside you *could* lead you to bring your demons home with you, turning you into a true monster to be around. Check yourself, before you need to The Exorcist yourself.
Leo
Is a nefarious no-gooder taking advantage of your generosity? Really think about it. This week, there could be a villain in your midst. If you want to survive, you’re gonna need to really take a step back and see the relationship for what it is. Chances are someone might be pulling the Scream mask over your eyes.
Virgo
While everyone else is getting hot-headed, you’re getting hot bedded, thanks to Mars and Pluto. (Seriously, thank them.) You may be feeling a strong urge to jump your partner at every turn, or a new, intense attraction to someone in your circle. Just make sure Michael Myers isn’t hiding in the corner watching you do the deed. We all know how that turns out…
Libra
Fall activities? Yes please! The mashup of Pluto and Mars has you looking for an adventure, and in October that can only mean one thing: pumpkin patches (and spiced lattes), apple picking, corn mazes, and maybe even checking out a haunted house, if you dare. Basically, get all the outdoor activities in that you can before it gets cold and COVID returns to seek her revenge.
Scorpio
The call is coming from inside the house, Scorpio! This week, you’re that weird loner hanging out on the playground who everyone *thinks* is the killer, but really you’re just tired and like wearing black. You may find yourself wanting to keep to yourself this week and fly solo, which is totally fine. People in groups are always easier to pick off, anyway.
Sagittarius
Proceed with caution, Sagittarius! Things may not be as they seem. This week, you may find yourself feeling like something is not right, meaning it might be good to take a second or even third look at things. Remember, slow and steady wins the race (and also survives until the end of the movie).
Capricorn
Mars and Pluto have you focused on casa Capricorn this week. It’s time to get into the spooky season spirit. Adorn your living room with fake cobwebs, ceramic ghosts, and one of those motion-sensing witches that will scare the sh*t out of your roommate every time they go to the bathroom. If they don’t appreciate it, tell them to get in the holiday spirit. Happy Halloween!
Aquarius
We know what you did last summer, Aquarius. No need to hide it. This week, you might find yourself in trouble from being too secretive with those closest to you, which actually makes you look sketchy as f*ck. Of course, everyone is entitled to their privacy, but people can usually tell when something is up. See also: everything the White House has said for the past five days.
Pisces
Who would you bring to your cabin in the woods? This is the perfect week to look at your inner circle. You know, the people you’d want on your team to fight against whatever impending doom will surely befall us by the end of 2020. Anybody who you wouldn’t trust to tell you they’ve been bitten by one of the zombies can see themselves out. No need to waste your rations on that sh*t.
Images: Giphy (12)
