Everything Robert Mueller’s Witch Hunt Has Found This Year

We’re officially one year deep into the Mueller investigation or, depending on whose Twitter account you’re refreshing these days, the Mueller “witch hunt.” While the majority of Americans  (52%) see Mueller’s investigation into shady dealings between the Trump campaign and Russia is legit, only 30% of Republicans think the special counsel investigation should continue. So to help our dedicated readers decide where they land on the “witch hunt” vs “legitimate investigation” debate we’ve decided to round up everything Robert Mueller has found so far. You know, because witch hunts typically lead to tons and tons of evidence.

Hella Indictments

Bobby and his coven have secured indictments from 13 Russian nationals, 3 Russian companies, and one Paul Manafort since he was appointed special prosecutor on May 17th, 2017.

While the Russian indictments are more for show (spoiler alert: they’re not coming back to the U.S. to be prosecuted), Manafort remains in what we in the biz call “a lot of fucking trouble.” The former Trump campaign chairman has pleaded not guilty to 5 charges of conspiracy, money laundering, and failure to disclose assets in D.C.. But that’s nothing compared to the 18 charges dealing with tax, financial, and bank fraud he now faces in Virginia. Is Manafort a good witch, or a bad witch? Only time will tell. 

5 Guilty Pleas

And here are your (all male) guilty pleas…

George Papadopolous: George Papadopolous, or “Poppy” as I like to call him, is a former Trump foreign policy adviser who pleaded guilty on October 5, 2017 to charges of making false statements to the FBI. Paps is accused of meeting with the Russians in an attempt to get “dirt” on Hillary Clinton, and made at least six requests for Trump or his campaign staff to meet with Russians and Russian politicians between March and September of 2016. He’s also accused of getting drunk and telling an Australian diplomat Moscow’s whole plan to release HRC’s emails, which makes him both stupid and relatable.

Michael Flynn: Mike Flynn, the OG shady Trump bro, pleaded guilty to charges of providing false statements to the FBI in December of 2017. You might remember him from being the first of approximately one million people who have resigned from the Trump admin, after it came out that he “misled Mike Pence” about communications he had with Russian ambassador and world’s-most-forgettable-man Sergei Kislayak. Flynn is now cooperating with Mueller’s investigation, and faces allegations of accepting money from foreign nationals without approval and enchanting an old Ford Angelina to fly without a license.

Richard Pienado: Richard Pienado is the biggest rando on the list, but don’t sleep on his crimes. Richy pleaded guilty to an identity theft charge in connection with the indictments of 13 Russian nationals and companies. Pienado ran an online service called “Auction Essistance” (Literally, it’s spelled “essistance”) which he used to buy and sell account numbers some of which were sold to — you guessed it — Russian troll farms using American identities to interfere in the election. TBH you’d think a witch would be better at covering up their crimes…

Rick Gates: Mr. Gates is a political consultant, lobbyist, and BFF to Paul Manafort who pleaded guilty to charges of making false statements to the FBI (classic) and conspiracy. Gates took a plea deal with Mueller, and is now juggling cooperating with the special counsel’s investigation and studying for his O.W.Ls.

Alex van der Zwaan: Despite what his name might suggest, Alex van der Zwaan is not a character on Gossip Girl. He is, in fact, a London lawyer who pleaded guilty to making false statements to the FBI about his contacts with Rick Gates and an “unnamed person” based in the Ukraine. He was the first person sentenced in the Mueller probe, where he served 30 days in prison. Better than being burned at the stake, I guess.

So to recap: Two top officials admitted to lying to the FBI about their contacts with the Russians, one person actually served jail time, and five people are cooperating with Mueller’s team. Just like the Sanderson sisters. 

Soooo Many Interviews

Mueller honestly should be the next Katie Couric considering how much time he’s spent interviewing people. The Mueller team has interviewed Sean Spicer, Reince Priebus, Jared Kushner, James Comey, Stephen Miller, Sally Yates, Mike Pompeo, Don McGhan, Hope Hicks, Jeff Sessions, Hagrid, Goody Proctor, and Elphaba and all in connection to the Russia probe.

So who’s left to be interviewed? Don Jr., Ivanka, and the Headmaster of Hogwarts himself, Donald J. Trump.

1 Grand Jury

If AHS season 3 taught us anything, it’s that catching witches requires multiple witch hunters. That’s why on August 3, 2017, Mueller empaneled a grand jury in D.C. with the power to subpoena documents, require witness testimony, and issue indictments. There is also a separate grand jury investigating Michael Flynn because, like I said, catching witches takes a lot of manpower.

4 Subpoenas

The aforementioned grand jury has issued 4 subpoenas for matters related to the infamous June 9th meeting at Trump Tower which Don Jr. so graciously leaked all the receipts about.

So far, Mueller and the grand jury have secured testimonies under oath from a Rinah Akhmetshin (A Russian-born lobbyist and former Soviet Army officer), Jason Maloni (a former spokesman for Paul Manafort), Carter Page (former Trump campaign ad and douchebag stereotype), Sam Clovis (current senior White House official and former TV personality because that’s the world we live in), and George Nader (Lebanese-American businessman with ties to Crown Prince Mohammed bin Zayed Al Nahyan of the UAE).

The New York Times also reported that they subpoenaed none other than living horcrux Steve Bannon, but that he struck a deal to be interviewed by prosecutors rather than testifying before the grand jury. His horrific presence is probably the witchiest thing about this whole investigation considering someone must have summoned him from the grave to testify.

UPDATE: Literally minutes after we first published this article news broke that Mueller’s team issued two subpoenas to Jason Sullivan a “social media expert” (same) hired by Trump adviser/Dark Lord Roger Stone. Spooky.

And A Partridge In A Pear Tree

If the partridge is Donald Trump, and the pear tree is an ever-expanding web of financial and international crimes.

Heads up, you need to keep up with the news. It’s not cute anymore. That’s why we’ve created a 5x weekly newsletter called The ‘Sup that will explain all the news of the week in a hilarious af way. Because if we weren’t laughing, we’d be crying. Sign up for The ‘Sup now!

Bob Mueller Has Questions For Trump And So Do We

It is finals season, which means you’re probably upping your Adderall (legally, of course) and taking espresso straight to the veins. Test taking is hard and to make you feel better, you’re not alone. No, I’m not talking about all the other hundreds of thousands of students. I’m talking about the big baby in the White House, Donald Trump. This week he was issued a pop quiz with questions from Robert Mueller, his least favorite teacher.

The New York Times acquired a list of questions Mueller sent Trump a 
that covered a wide variety of topics. Honestly, if I didn’t hate Trump so much and the thought of him failing anything didn’t make me want to order a celebratory round of mimosas, I’d pity him because this test seems very hard to study for. The questions Mueller sent to Trump’s legal team center around James Comey, Jeff Sessions, WikiLeaks, Michael Cohen, and even a secret meeting at an island resort. That last one seems like Mueller might just want in on the timeshare there, but whatever.

So what on earth do all these questions mean? If Trump doesn’t pass does he have to stay back a grade or flunk out of the presidency? I wish. What it shows us is that Mueller is a studious bitch who is approaching this investigation on all angles, and appears to be focused on obstruction of justice. He’s asking a ton of questions about Comey and not as much about potential Russian collusion. (Sorry to my Russian conspiracy stans out there.) He’s attacking on all fronts and Trump should be rightly nervous. And what does the leader of the free world do when he’s nervous? He does exactly what I do after three glasses of Merlot. A tweet spree.

This morning Trump tweeted, “So disgraceful that the questions concerning the Russian Witch Hunt were ‘leaked’ to the media. No questions on Collusion. Oh, I see…you have a made up, phony crime, Collusion, that never existed, and an investigation begun with illegally leaked classified information. Nice!”

Nice, indeed, Mr. President. Nice, indeed.

Heads up, you need to keep up with the news. It’s not cute anymore. That’s why we’ve created a 5x weekly newsletter called The ‘Sup that will explain all the news of the week in a hilarious af way. Because if we weren’t laughing, we’d be crying. Sign up for The ‘Sup now!

The 5 Craziest Quotes From A Former Trump Aide’s TV Meltdown Yesterday

There literally wasn’t one single channel you could’ve had on yesterday that former Trump aide Sam Nunberg wasn’t having a massive and unparalleled mental breakdown on yesterday. The 36 year old (girl, we know…) was subpoenaed by Robert Mueller’s special counsel and asked to hand over his email correspondence from 2015 with Steve Bannon, Roger Stone, and others involved in Trump’s campaign. Instead of complying, he went on a full out media tour lambasting Bob Mueller and having an epic meltdown about how much work finding those emails would be. To be totally fair, I have felt similarly when told to do anything and he is just brave enough to rant about it on air. But also, on the other hand, I know how to use Gmail’s search function.

Nunberg might’ve been drunk it isn’t totally clear, but whatever he was the case he was spilling tea like a drunk girl in a bathroom bar and like that scenario, I’m all ears. Here were his craziest quotes.

“I’m not going to get sent to prison.”

Honey, you literally probably are. This feels like you’re jinxing it.

“Trump may have very well done something during the election with the Russians.”

I mean we all knew that but like…what?

“I believe Carter Page was colluding with the Russians.”

We knew that but like…what? Part deux.

“Okay, fine, yeah, unattractive, she’s a fat slob. But that’s unrelevant”

In the name of feminism: rude. Also “unrelevant” isn’t a word.

“Do you think should I cooperate?”

After spilling all of this tea on air, he asked Jake Tapper this. Like he was already starting to sober up and realize he’d made a huge mistake. And Sam, sweetie, you’ve already uncooperated. 

Heads up, you need to keep up with the news. It’s not cute anymore. That’s why we’ve created a 5x weekly newsletter called The ‘Sup that will explain all the news of the week in a hilarious af way. Because if we weren’t laughing, we’d be crying. Sign up for The ‘Sup now!