So, according to my calculations (and Wikipedia) LaCroix was made as a down-to-earth alternative to the “snobbish” Perrier. I’m pretty sure calling it LaCroix was their first mistake in trying to establish an accessible brand, mainly because LaCroix is the only word I have in my French vocabulary besides fromage. Cue DJ Khaled, because LaCroix really played themselves. Just like your alcoholic drink of choice tells me everything I need to know about you and more, so does your favorite LaCroix flavor. These personality predictions are 100% true and backed by science, and by science I mean I DM’d Bill Nye on Twitter to get his seal of approval and he hasn’t responded. Drink on, betches!
The Zodiac Killer is your role model. Your favorite pastime is sipping on an ice cold can of Pure LaCroix after murdering every blonde girl in your sorority. You use your iPhone without a case because you are truly disturbed and have nothing to lose.
You take your shoes and socks off on flights and clap when the plane lands. Your go-to workout shirt says “Your workout is my warmup,” and you call Gatorade flavors by their real name. Probably a cop.
You never forget a birthday and check in with your grandparents on a semi-regular basis. You won’t sign me into that 8am no matter how many times I offer to Venmo you $10. NARC.
Whoever said tangerine is the new orange was seriously disturbed.
You’re not totally sure how to pronounce La Croix but can definitely vouch for “how pretty the cans are”. You were raised in a household of Polar Seltzer and are scared to try different flavors cause, idk, they might kill you or something.
I get that you’re embarrassed to drink soda in public, but I think getting caught with a can of NiCola is arguably worse. I’m impressed that LaCroix was able to bottle the exact taste of a McDonald’s fountain Diet Coke that’s been sitting in a hot car for 5 hours.
If I hear you talking about your semester in Barthelona one more time, I am going to call the cops.
The Cosmopolitan Snapchat feed is your main source for world news, and you’re still praying that Drake will answer your DMs. Maybe start wearing less and going out more?
You are constantly having an existential crisis because Mercury is in retrograde. And no, don’t get bangs.
One time you lost ‘Odds Are’ and had to drink bong water, and uh, actually kind of liked it.
If you were a character in The Office, you would definitely be a part of The Finer Things Club. Conor Kennedy tried grinding on you once, but you willfully declined because you didn’t want Taylor Swift’s sloppy seconds.
Ah, pamplemousse’s annoying vegan cousin. You watched What The Health once and won’t shut up about it. Seriously, stop. No one likes the bitch at brunch who makes a hangover worse by scolding others for getting eggs benny. Let me and my hollandaise sauce be.
In the past few years, LaCroix has gone from something I’d only vaguely heard of before to literally taking over the world. Betches have ridded their fridges of Diet Cokes (JK not really) and flavorless flat water (God forbid) and replaced them with brightly colored cans of effervescent deliciousness. The good news? All LaCroix is pretty fucking betchy. They’re calorie-, sugar-, gluten-, sodium-, anything bad for you-free so they’re not going to make you fat like other sodas. They make amazing mixers. And who doesn’t love bubbles? The bad news is that all flavors are NOT created equal. But that’s what you have us for.
So we bring you: a definitive ranking of the betchiest LaCroix. Two things before diving into this: 1) There are a million fucking flavors so they’re not ALL on here. 2) If you disagree with our ranking, that’s fine. If it really upsets you, however, you need to relax and either pretend this list never happened, or make a life change and send us a box of LaCroix as a thank you. Preferably option 2.
Does anyone even drink this? Out of all of the flavors, this one is the fakest tasting and it’s just not good. If you go to someone’s house and they offer you a LaCroix then whip out this bad boy, it’s time to go home and reevaluate the friendship.
9. Peach Pear
It’s not necessarily bad—if I’m being perfectly honest, I think it’s pretty good. I’m a Southern betch though, so anything peach is my shit. It’s just that it tastes SO MUCH. It’s like a transition drug for people trying to break into the world of sparkling water except they just can’t give up their sugary soda ways. I feel like Peach Pear people probs keep a secret stash of Mountain Dew in case of emergencies.
The problem here is the way it smells. I literally crack open a can and start gagging because it’s like cheap tanning oil and when I think about drinking it, I want to vomit. The only excuse for drinking this one is that it’s a skinny option for a tropical mixer, but like, can’t you just use coconut rum?
The OG LaCroix is a little boring because it has no flavor whatsoever, but I can definitely appreciate people who are hardcore enough to drink plain sparkling water. Best part about this one is you can throw it in any drink you want and it won’t fuck up the taste, just make it a little bubbly.
6. Piña Fraise
Ah. The first one from LaCroix’s Cúrate (it’s pronounced coo-rah-tay, btw). I feel like some people are gonna hate on these and be Team Original, but idc because they’re amazing. This one mixes pineapple and strawberry so it’s a little on the sweet side for my taste, but it has a good bit of flavor without fucking punching you in the face. It says “I’m not quite a LaCroix pro, but I’m not a lame AF newb either.”
5. Melón Pomelo
If you couldn’t tell by the name, this is another of the Cúrate variety. It breaks into the top five because of its uncommon mix of fruits that actually works and isn’t totally nasty (looking at you, Cran-Raspberry). It’s like a mixologist handmade your sparkling water for you. I mean, who knew cantaloupe and grapefruit combined could be so damn tasty?
4. Cerise Limón
This one is literally like a calorie-free cherry limeade from Sonic. Well not quite, but close. The subtle flavors are usually the betchiest, but because it’s all tart and no sweet, it doesn’t taste as fake as some of the other flavor-heavy options. A vodka soda with a cerise limón instead of standard club is never a bad idea. But you can just say cherry lime so you don’t sound like an asshole who’s trying to speak Spanish.
These two are tied because they’re pretty much the fucking same. They’re basically only liked by LaCroix snobs because they kind of taste like a fountain Sprite when it’s running low on syrup. Tbh, these two are okay, but not my faves. The only reason they’re up this high is because they’re awesome mixers and go with pretty much any kind of alcohol.
2. Múre Pepino
Surprise! It’s another member of the Cúrate fam and it is fucking incredible. The mix of blackberry and cucumber is like something you’d get at the spa. It’s so damn refreshing and it’s relatively unknown so you look betchy AF and slightly hipster, but not overtly, so when people go in your fridge and stumble across the lavender and lime cans. If you like crafty cocktails with herbs and shit, make this your new go-to.
This should come as a surprise to no one. Pamplemousse (grapefruit, if you speak English) is an OG LaCroix and has managed to stay the betchiest. It has a little more taste than lime and lemon, but it’s still super light and exclusive to veteran LaCroix drinkers. It’s also one of the bubbliest which is always a good thing. Plus, the name is fancy AF. Long live the pamplemousse.