South Carolina Is Trying To Pass An Abortion Bill That Removes Exceptions For Rape And Incest

It is with great displeasure that I must tell you that a proposed bill to outlaw abortions after a heartbeat is detected in South Carolina has gone through its first round of approval after Republican Senators stripped away exceptions for women who have become pregnant from rape or incest. We. Hate. To. See. It.

In case you’re not mad enough already, let me give you a lil’ push: the bill was approved by the Senate Medical Affairs subcommittee which consists of six men and one woman. One — count her — one woman. Glad to see women’s bodies, lives, and fates are constantly in the hands of men who couldn’t point out the clitoris on a labeled map.

The proposal must be passed by the full Medical Affairs committee next, and then can make its way to the Senate floor, where it will *hopefully* will face a lot of backlash, preferably too much backlash.

Unfortunately, Republican Gov. Henry McMaster has said that he will sign the bill into law if it is passed by the Senate.

Even before the recent removal of exceptions for rape and incest, this bill was already scary AF. It would make it illegal for doctors to perform abortions after a heartbeat is detected, which is typically around 6 weeks, aka before most women know they are pregnant. This would outlaw about 55 percent of abortions performed in South Carolina.

The bill is, of course, part of a larger plan for pro-lifers to get an abortion case to the newly conservative-leaning Supreme Court (thanks to frat boy Brett K), where they are hoping Roe V. Wade can be overturned. So far most laws similar to this have been blocked by Federal Judges, but it’s still horrifying to see lawmakers come together and try to find ways to strip women of the right to control what happens in our own f*cking bodies. Like, can these old dudes get another hobby besides trying to desperately control women? That would be great, thanks.

Images: Giphy (2)

Everyone Trump Made Fun Of At His Rally Yesterday

Donald Trump is forever on the campaign trail, but what he doesn’t know is that he’s already cemented first place as the worst person in the history of the world. Take a break, hon. You’ve won the popular vote on that one. For a man who probably mocks safe spaces, Trump sure loves his rallies where he’s comfortably swaddled by the harassing cheers of people who think Pizzagate is a real thing. At yesterday’s South Carolina rally, Trump made fun of the following people:

Mark Sanford

The president has decided to go all in on dragging US Representative and member of the Freedom Caucus, Mark Sanford for his extramarital affair. You might remember Sanford’s affair from a few years ago because he was the politician who lied about going to hike the Appalachian trail when he was actually with his Argentinian mistress.

Trump begins his speech in South Carolina with some shots at Mark Sanford: ” guy I have never liked too much. Never liked him too much. I wasn’t a big fan. The Tallahassee trail. Must be a beautiful place. Unfortunately he didn’t go there.”

— Aaron Rupar (@atrupar) June 26, 2018

Trump, if you want to drag someone, get the details right or it simply won’t hit. That’s dragging 101. Also, no one has ever gone to the Tallahassee Trail because it doesn’t exist. I mean, I guess I’m not surprised that Trump isn’t an outdoors kind of guy.

John McCain

Ya know, the president is still going hard on hating on the Senator with brain cancer. Very chill. He called the war hero as “the man that put the thumbs down”,  referring to McCain’s no-vote on the healthcare bill. 

Jimmy Fallon

The late night comedian denounced his interview with Trump this week, saying he regretted goofing off with him on the campaign trail. We all have hookups we regret, Jimmy. We get it. Of course Trump went immediately started calling out Fallon’s poor ratings and had to mention his hair is real. The lady doth protest too much, imho.

Retweeted CBS News (@CBSNews):

“He’s lost, he looks like a lost soul”: President Trump speaks to crowd about Jimmy Fallon, after the host said he was sorry for allowing the then-candidate on his talk show

— Andrea Marie Henry (@positiveandy) June 26, 2018

Arnold Schwarzenegger

Trump couldn’t just insult one person’s TV ratings, he had to double down. 

Trump indicates he thinks NBC owes him favorable coverage because he “made them a fortune” with “The Apprentice.”

Mocks Arnold Schwarzenegger for not doing as well as him on the show.

— Aaron Rupar (@atrupar) June 26, 2018

For the record, Schwarzenegger stepped down from hosting The Apprentice though said “I would absolutely work with all of again on a show that doesn’t have this baggage.” Referring to Trump as “this baggage” is enough to warrant months of online harassment from him it looks like. 

Other important announcements the president made included the creation of the Space Force (note: Flint still doesn’t have clean water), that BMW sucks (one of South Carolina’s largest employers), and that obviously Fake News is our country’s biggest threat (we are holding children in cages without their parents).

I’m usually not one to support lying, but perhaps we tell Trump he has to campaign for the rest of his life, lock him in a gym with a bunch of crisis actors, and just work on getting our country back to normal while he is preoccupied yelling about Fake News. 

Next the president is headed to North Dakota, obviously the country’s saddest state, and is going to yell into a microphone there hoping one day to find something close to the semblance of love. I wish him no luck.

Heads up, you need to keep up with the news. It’s not cute anymore. That’s why we’ve created a 5x weekly newsletter called The ‘Sup that will explain all the news of the week in a hilarious af way. Because if we weren’t laughing, we’d be crying. Sign up for The ‘Sup now!

This Story About A College Cheerleading Team Running A Prostitution Ring Is F*cking Crazy

This week in insane cheerleading news, the entire Coastal Carolina cheerleading team was suspended indefinitely on Thursday and scrubbed from the school’s athletics website and all the school is saying about it is that there is a “conduct investigation.” Now you may be thinking, wtf is Coastal Carolina? Is it a party school? Why should I care? Coastal Carolina University is located near Myrtle Beach, and it was ranked the #4 party school in South Carolina by Niche. Their mascot is “Chauncy the Chanticleer,” which is apparently some kind of bird. And you should care because, what the school lacks in parties and mascots that people have heard of, they make up for in anonymous letters alleging that the entire cheerleading squad was engaged in “prostitution, purchasing alcohol for underage team members and paying others to complete their homework assignments.”

Umm…pause. One of these crimes is not like the the other. Getting mad at a college cheerleading squad that buys alcohol for underage members and pays people to do their homework for them would be like getting mad at an NFL player for accidentally setting off the gun he keeps in his sweatpants at a nightclub. What did you expect? But prostitution? That’s certainly…extra. Sure, cheerleading has a long history of trading sexual favors for social capital, but capital-capital? That’s too far. I mean, first of all, isn’t cheerleading like, a huge time commitment? Who has time to be a cheerleader, a student, and a prostitute all in one semester? I guess that’s where the “paying students to do your homework for you” comes into play. Something has to give, and if it’s not going to be the having sex for money, it might as well be the schoolwork. Now, of course, we don’t know for sure if this is true, but if it is, I think it’s safe to say that this is the craziest fucking thing to happen in cheer since the Toros found out they stole all the Clovers’ cheers. 

CCU isn’t giving out a ton of info on this situation, given that “prostitute school” isn’t really what any college wants on their Princeton Review page, but here’s what we do know—a prostitute team member who chose to remain anonymous (wonder why) told WMBF News that Horry County police officers met with several team members and eventually released everyone with no charges, telling them that they “did nothing wrong.” Police did, however, look through the girls’ phones, so RIP the police officer who had to look through seven Coastal Carolina cheerleaders’ photostream. There’s no way he’ll ever be the same.

Scream Queen Funerals

CCU Cheer was set to host a national cheer competition next week, but that shit is obviously no longer happening. The team has also been barred from competing at nationals which, if Bring It On taught us anything, is basically the worst thing that could possibly happen to a cheerleading squad apart from being publicly accused of being a prostitution ring.

As a result, the team has released the following statement:

“At this point in time, we no longer wish to be contacted about the current situation. The false accusations have led to harassment on campus as well as through social media, and are beginning to negatively impact our daily lives as well as our studies. As a team we ask the community to support us through these tough times as we hope the situation will be cleared up shortly.


The Coastal Carolina Cheerleading Team
# Chantsup”

Bold move to include your team hashtag in the letter you send to the public addressing allegations of prostitution, but hey, whatever makes you feel better. Also, I’m sure you don’t wish to be contacted anymore about the current situation, but that’s not how being in a the middle of a public scandal works. Like, I’m sure Bill Clinton would have liked to “stop being contacted” about Monica Lewinsky, or Lindsay Lohan would like to “stop being contacted” about her life generally, but they should have thought about that before fucking their intern or being a giant mess every second. An entire cheerleading squad being suspended for alleged prostitution is just too good for people to pass up, and given that the school has yet to release any information, saying that the investigation is ongoing, please allow us to wildly speculate based on almost no evidence as to what is going on: 

1. They Are Actually A Prostitution Ring That Dabbles In Underage Drinking & Light Homework Fraud.

This is the easiest, juiciest conclusion, so it’s the one that basically everyone is hoping is true, not only because it’s just an insane story, but because of the Lifetime original movie that will inevitably based on it. I can see it now. Lindsay Lohan as the head cheerleader/madame, Shia Labeouf as the scorned boyfriend/anonymous letter writer, Britney Spears stunt cast as the Dean of Students. Nick Viall cameos as the squad’s wealthy client. This shit literally writes itself.

2. Someone Just Made It All Up Because They’re Jealous

As well all know, one cannot help it that one is popular, one can only be sorry that people are so jealous. There is def a large chance that some person who either a) wanted to be a cheerleader and didn’t get on b) watched too many teen movies and now hates cheerleaders or c) got dumped/rejected/friend zoned by one of the cheerleaders got mad and wrote this letter. Cheerleaders and other beautiful people are subjected to this kind of hatred on a daily basis. It’s very sad. If we all work together, maybe we can someday live in a world where cheerleaders are not the victims of such harassment. Call your representatives.

3. They Did Some Of It But They’re Not Prostitutes

I mean, the stuff about underage drinking and homework buying is probably true. They’re college cheerleaders at a university on the beach. The fact that they DGAF about their schoolwork and drink before turning 21 is not news to anyone. Whoever sent the letter probably included two real things to make the prostitution seem more viable, meaning that whoever wrote this letter is a nasty skank bitch. Do not trust her. She is a fugly slut.

4. This Is A ‘Sugar And Spice’ Situation

Much like the 2001 teen cheerleading film Sugar and Spice, we could be dealing with an entire squad of cheerleaders that has turned to a life of crime in order to help support the newly pregnant head cheerleader after being disowned. It’s just instead of robbing banks, the CCU girls opted for prostitution. This is currently my fav theory. Only question I have left is do they wear the Betty masks while prostituting themselves, and is James Marsden involved? Guess we’ll just have to wait and see. 

Read: United Airlines’ Leggings Ban Isn’t Even The Worst Thing They’ve Done Recently