If you’re currently living in the United States, then you know that people have been collectively losing their shit and jizzing themselves over this fucking eclipse. Like yah, okay, we get it—the moon dances in front of the sun for 2 minutes and potentially the Mayans’ predictions calling for the end times comes true. But the world didn’t end, Donald Trump didn’t resign, and I’m not being worshipped as some sort of god yet, so, altogether, this eclipse was a bust.
If you did miss it and will have to wait until August 2024, eat these booze-spiked moon pies in honor of the solar deities that obviously rule our lives.
For the cookies:
· 2 cups unsalted butter, softened
· ¾ cup packed light brown sugar
· 3 tsp pure vanilla extract
· 1 large egg
· 2 ¼ cups all-purpose flour
· ½ tsp salt
For the filling:
· 4 oz semisweet chocolate, melted
· 1 cup butter
· 3-4 cups powdered sugar
· 1/3 cup Bailey’s Irish Crème
Grab your handy-dandy KitchenAid mixer and beat the butter until it’s creamy. Add the brown sugar and beat until fluffy, then throw in the vanilla and the whole egg and beat that shit too. Add in the flour and salt and beat until you have a soft dough. Divide it into two mounds and transfer each to a sheet of plastic wrap. Pat until it’s a square, about 1/3 inch thick, then wrap and chill until firm—which will take about 20 mins.
Meanwhile, preheat the oven to 350F and line two baking sheets with parchment. Grab one of your chilled cookie dough square and roll it out to about 1/8 inch thickness. Use a biscuit cutter to stamp out some rounds, then arrange them on one of the baking sheets. Repeat with your other dough square. Refrigerate the punched out cookies on the sheets until firm—about 10 mins.
Bake the cookies for like, 15 mins until they’re lightly browned. Let cool slightly then put that shit on racks so they cool even harder.
Once your cookies are cool, spread the melted chocolate on the underside of each one. Allow that shit to set and harden. While it does, beat the butter for the filling until it’s light and fluffy. Add in the powdered sugar and then gradually add the Bailey’s until you get the consistency you want. Pipe that shit into the center of the cooled ganache, spread, then top with another cookie. Fuck, inhale that shit, and exhale negativity. Namaste.
The Total Solar Eclipse is basically a New Moon on steroids. If the zodiac was The Bachelorette, the solar eclipse is Chad eating a bunch of lunch meat and intimidating the fuck out of everyone even though he’s probs not actually that scary. The New Moon is just a kickoff to a new era in your life, so like, the eclipse will signal a big change for you. Also, Mercury is still retrograding so there’s that to deal with.
In the next month, you’re feeling, like, super ambitious. You’re setting some lofty goals for yourself as you head into fall. Kicking things off like a new diet or study regimen will be shitty and unnecessarily hard at first thanks to Mercury in Retrograde. It’ll be like cupcakes and parties will be around everywhere you turn, which normally, would be awesome as shit, but, with your new lifestyle goals of not being fat and/or lazy, those will be hurdles you need to cross and, ultimately, say no to.
The sun is shifting signs this week, and although Mercury is in retrograde, it’s bringing many blessings your way. Like, what? This basically never happens so just enjoy it while it’s here. The next month is all about parties, romance, good vibes and fun for you. During this window, it’s best you put your creative talents to work since you’ll be super inspired and motivated. Don’t fucking waste this opportunity. Some other signs in the zodiac are having a super rough time so just gloat quietly to yourself/humble-brag on Twitter.
Mercury in retrograde is making you focus on your family. So make sure things are all copacetic with your parents and siblings. Try not to step on any toes. You really don’t need a group chat family text fight while mercury is retrograding. Also, some weird cousin or distant relatives might be popping up in your future, so be careful who you make out with at your back-to-school sorority mixers. Gross. Hey, at least right now you’re pretty motivated. It’s a good time to finish projects, or like, fold the laundry that’s been sitting on a chair in your room for a month.
It legit feels like time is speeding up around you. Like, wasn’t it just the Fourth of July and now Labor Day is right around the corner? Fuck that noise. The bad news is your pace will continue to be sped up as we barrel toward fall. Are your pumpkin spice senses tingling yet? Beware this week, Mercury in retrograde is fucking up your travel plans. Expect delays, mix-ups, flat tires, car troubles—all of the horrible crap that comes with getting yourself where you need to go.
The solar eclipse is taking place in your sign and while you might be like, “WTF is this a big deal or something?” your subconscious is pretty stoked on it the fact this new moon occurs in Leo. Since Venus is in your sign, you’re more charming, attractive, and fun. Mercury is also hanging around, making you energetic and exciting. So, even though there’s a lot of hype over the eclipse which will last legit two minutes, excitement in your life will continue throughout the rest of the week and into the next month.
The Sun moves into your sign this week and will buddy up with Mercury in retrograde. So that means retrograde won’t be that bad. Er, won’t continue to be that bad for you. The Sun brings you more energy and recharges you for your year ahead. It’s like a Red Bull vodka for your life, but without the calories or sugar. Mercury in retrograde might affect you in little ways when it comes to communication. You’ll basically feel like it’s 2007 again as your text and emails just aren’t going through or something like that.
To quote Anchorman: “You should find yourself a safe house or a relative close by. Lay low for a while, because you’re probably wanted for murder.” OK, you may or may not be wanted for murder for killing a guy with a trident, but it’s best that you keep a low profile for the next four weeks because the sun is hidden in your chart. It’s best you use this time to put your head down and grind out some projects or work you’ve been putting off. You can return to the social world next month when the sun returns to your sign.
Woah, you’re like, really popular. That is, at least for the next four weeks. It’s an excellent time to work with others or force yourself to be on a team. It might just be that all the summer fun and travel is winding down, but a lot of friends you haven’t seen much of lately will be reappearing in your life. Keep an eye out for people you just drifted away from for no reason and those who you actually don’t want to be around anymore. Don’t waste your time on fake friends, especially when Mercury is in retrograde and you need all the good vibes you can get.
The Sun is at the highest point in your chart, you know what that means: spotlight time. Everything you do will be on display and can sometimes feel like you’re under a fucking microscope. Everyone will feel like replying to your Snapchat or IG story because they want you to give them attention and value their feedback. Whatever. Use the increased positive attention to your advantage at work by pitching your new ideas or asking for that promotion.
Did you just see Dunkirk and are like, mmm I feel like I need a trip to Europe? Just me? Okay. Well, anyway, your desires to travel and explore are heightened over the next four weeks. If a trip is out of the question, a new subject will spark your interest as you’ll be motivated to learn more about it. The stars are basically aligned perfectly to make you adventurous. That means your desire to try new things in the bedroom is also at an all-time high. Don’t watch 50 Shades, if you can help it. Or do. IDC.
The next few weeks are super intense for you. Like, everything around you seems to be operating at a higher level of intensity. Relationships are dramatic. Shit at work seems to be high-priority and always on a deadline. There’s a decent chance something comes up that you thought was already handled. Make like Olivia Pope and handle that shit again. Fortunately, fair, loving Venus is returning to your sign so things are starting to look up after this week.
Is your name Cleopatra? Because you’re the Queen of Denial starting this week and lasting through the next month. Resist the urge to text your ex to “give things another chance” because you feel like the reason you broke up wasn’t that important. It was. He’s shitty. You’re in denial about the past and it’s important you keep moving forward over the next four weeks and not take steps back. The good news for you is that Venus and Mercury are starting to work together in your favor, making you motivated to work hard-ish and reap the benefits of your efforts.