Here’s to annoying couples: may we know them, may we judge them, may we actively avoid them. Unfortunately, the latter is nearly impossible in our culture of oversharing. The good news is that the most flagrant offenders probably won’t be blowing up your feed for too much longer. Read on for the telltale posts that indicate there is trouble in paradise.
1. The -Month “Anniversary”
I feel the need to start this section with a brief etymology lesson. The word “anniversary” comes from the Latin adjective anniversarius, which means “returning yearly,” as well as the Latin noun annus, which means “year.” So it always baffles me when I see couples commemorating their “3 month anniversary!!!” on social media. While it’s severely premature cute that you’re celebrating your relationship’s survival over the course of a fiscal quarter, it makes absolutely no sense. What’s more, it reeks of insecurity. How dicey are things that you feel the need to prove the legitimacy of your relationship with a fake anniversary?
2. Gratuitous Tributes
These eyesores come in many forms, the most common being a weekly #WCW or #MCM post. Don’t get me wrong. I love love and think it should be celebrated, but it feels more authentic when it happens organically in the context of an actual milestone, like a birthday or a (real!) anniversary. We should appreciate our partners, but must this appreciation be constantly performed on a public forum on a weekly basis? These posts are where the cracks (say crack again) really begin to show in a relationship. They come across as reactionary, like the poster is trying to make up for something he or she did wrong, leaving the sentiment reading more like a coded mea culpa instead of the undying declaration of love it claims to be. Why should Chad send flowers to his girlfriend after she catches him texting bitches when he can overcompensate by firing off a #WCW thirst trap on the ‘gram and call it a day?
3. Incessant Vacation Pics
I will confess that I am guilty of posting way more than I normally do when I am on vacation. But I do try to space out these posts and be cognizant of the fact that while I’m posting basic shots of my third pasta lunch in a row, my followers are toiling away at their work desks, secretly hoping that my Aperol Spritz goes down the wrong pipe. Couples on the brink of a breakup, however, don’t seem to have this sort of self-awareness. Instead, they assault your feed with daily posts and endless selfies from their romantic seaside dinner in Santorini (btw, it’s kinda hard to see the scenery in your selfies, Susan) to make up for the fact that they spent the majority of said dinner arguing about when Matt is finally going to propose. The frequency of these posts is the big tell: the more they are posting, the more they are trying to convince their followers and themselves that EVERYTHING IS FINE! The reality, though, looks something more like this:
4. PDA Overload
Beware of the PDA pictures, my friends, for these are the death knell for many a relationship. Kissing pictures are generally tough. I’m willing to overlook them, say, on one’s wedding day, but anything else feels voyeuristic and leaves me with a lot of questions, the most important being: Who TF is taking these pictures?! The more performative the pose (looking at you, dips), the less likely the couple is to stay together. Case in point: I watched an acquaintance post a monthly kissing pic with her boyfriend for several months, only for this gentleman to disappear
in the night from her feed just three months later.
5. Inspirational Quotes
Call the coroner and prepare the morgue, because this relationship is deceased. There is no clearer sign that a relationship is on the outs than when one party begins posting inspirational quotes, especially when those quotes are passive-aggressive digs at the other person. My personal favorite is, “Never Let Anyone Be Your Priority If You Are Only Their Option.” In other words, Chad graduated from texting bitches to actually f*cking at least one of those bitches and YA GIRL IS PISSED.
Actual footage of me reading these kinds of posts:
As sure as the Kardashian-Jenners will find a way to remain relevant, annoying couples will continue to torture us with their undying proclamations of love on social media. I only ask that these couples be consistent in their oversharing. If they’re going to be this extra when things are going up in flames well, then the least they can do is spill the tea on the circumstances surrounding the breakup. Don’t leave us hanging, it’s rude. In these dark times, a fire selfie with the full breakdown of how Angela caught Todd in bed with her barre instructor is the kind of post the people need.
Images: Austin Loveing / Unsplash; Giphy (5)
Do you ever see someone on Instagram or Snapchat just acting a fool, doing the most annoying shit and committing every social media faux pas in the book? Yeah, you probably follow some really goddamn annoying people. But the real question is: Are you one of those annoying assholes? Sure, we’re all afraid that something we post will get screenshot and roasted in someone else’s group chat, but we can’t follow all the social media rules all the time, can we? Here’s a list of the things that, when other people do them, they’re annoying, but when you do them, they’re totally okay.
1. Lip Syncing
There’s nothing more obnoxious than when you open someone’s story and it’s just them lip synching. They’re generally always in their car. Like, um. OK. You’re just lip synching away in your car to some Cardi B song and driving like a damn lunatic. I am neither impressed nor entertained. These jackholes are probably leaving a wake of destruction behind them as they swerve in and out of lanes picking which filter to use. It’s plain irresponsible is what it is!
Then again, sometimes a dope Nicki verse will come on and I need to show all my followers that this white girl can, in fact, rap. Am I guilty of the lip syncing snap? 100%. Do I judge you when you do it? Also 100%.
2. Concert Videos
Unless it’s one small clip of the chorus of the band or artist’s most famous track, I couldn’t care less that you’re at a concert. I just think, “Wow, this person is so thirsty for other people to think they’re cool that they don’t enjoy the music at all, they’re too busy Snapchatting.”
If I’m at the show, I’m pretty sure everyone is dying to see how close I was, just how amazing they sound live, and how hot the lead singer is in person. Like, five snaps per concert is tolerable, right? RIGHT?!
3. Obnoxious Drunk Stories
Yeah, we get it, you like to party. You and your friends are having such a good time in a dimly-lit sports bar, or is it a club that no one else went to? IDK, but obviously you’re having an awesome time, drinking awesome shooters, soaking up each other’s awesomeness, since your phone is out the whole night documenting the experience. I can’t tap my screen fast enough to make it through this shit.
Yet, if it’s me and my friends, you probably want to see what shenanigans we got ourselves into last night. You definitely want to see our 2am Taco Bell run. We get into such zany mishaps! We’re basically doing you a favor because you probably stayed in, and now you know what a good time you missed. We did such a good job documenting our night, now it’s like you were there with us! God, we are so funny. Lemme just watch all of these back three times while I’m at brunch.
It’s so obvious when someone photoshops a pic. I mean, you expect me to believe that your skin is perfect when I can obviously tell you accidentally made your hair blurry? Hun, we can see you IRL. We aren’t buying what you’re trying to sell.
But like, sometimes I have a zit before a big event and it’s obvious that the zit is not part of how I generally look. So it’s totally fine for me to just erase that…. and brighten up my under-eyes… and whiten my teeth. Really, I’m just presenting the best version of myself to the world, and there’s nothing wrong with that.
5. Deflecting Captions
Girl, your selfie is hot AF. I don’t know why you had to caption it “When you’re really just thinking about tacos.” Have some goddamn respect and just post the picture where you look hella pretty and leave it at that. You don’t need to hide the fact hat you’re like, really pretty by accompanying a picture silly and quirky caption that deflects the real reason you posted it: to show people that you’re really, really ridiculously good looking.
I’m not just going to post a picture without a caption, though. I might as well make it something clever so people know that not only do my boobs look great, but I also have original thoughts. Beauty and brains. Yes, that’s the ticket.
6. Messaging Through The App
If you have my number, why wouldn’t you just text me instead of making me open this stupid app every three seconds? Just fucking text me. If you send me a meme and I respond, that can just be the end of the conversation unless you want to take it to text.
But, like, we’re already talking in the app so why get more digital formats involved? Might as well finish the conversation, however long it may be, in this app and then if I have something else unrelated to say later, I can just text you. When you think about it, it’s actually MORE convenient this way.
7. Liking Celebrity Posts
Really, you think Kim K gives a shit if you “like” her picture or not? Insta lets you see which of your friends have liked celebrity posts, and when I see the culprits I just SMH. These people don’t need your likes. Likes are for people you actually know.
Well, sometimes a blogger I follow will post a really cute outfit and I think they should know that I appreciate the effort. And if I like a post from a Kardashian, like, who really notices and/or gives a shit? Probably no one, unless they’re like me and think I’m an idiot for giving out likes like a podcaster gives out promotional codes for meal delivery services.
Here’s a reason to feel superior to the rest of humanity today: It’s been scientifically proven that people who brag about being fit on Facebook are literally psycho. Let me be clear: I’m not about criticizing anyone for working on their bikini body so masses of beachgoers don’t flee the scene when they take off their shirt—in fact, I thank you. What I do have a problem with is the people who won’t fucking stop talking about it. Not sure if you fit the bill? Here’s a hint: if you’ve ever posted a status, tweet, Snapchat, whatever using the words “gains,” “progress,” “fit life,” or other variations, I’m talking to you. Although you’d think it would be obvious, people keep making statuses about their fitness routines all the goddamn time even though not a single human being cares. And now we have legitimate reasons to be concerned for your mental health.
According to science, we’re totally justified in our hatred of anyone who brags about getting up early to go for a light 15K. In a study published last fall, researchers at Brunel University in London decided to analyze what could possibly motivate this kind of person, and apparently, it’s old-fashioned narcissism.
The study asked 555 Facebook users about their reasons for making statuses and measured stuff like narcissism, personality traits, and self-esteem. When researchers compared the psychological shit and motivations, they found that—surprise!—the kind of person who posts too many gym selfies is a burden on humanity and should be shipped off into space. I might be reading a little between the lines here, but you’ll see what I mean in just a moment.
According to researchers, #fitness lovers tend to be more narcissistic, and their main goal is literally to brag about their looks and self-discipline. And probably to make the rest of us feel like shit in comparison—because, again, they’re psychopaths—though researchers didn’t say that explicitly.
What’s even worse is that for some unfathomable reason, these gym posts also get more likes and comments than other kinds—maybe because our only option is to stress the posters out with an avalanche of notifications? Maybe for the same reasons we tell children their artwork is good? Reasoning TBD. But anyone with a functioning brain stem can tell you that all this does is validate their need for attention. In other words, if you’re liking before and after ab selfies or the dreaded thirsty squat pic, YOU ARE PART OF THE PROBLEM.
I’ll leave you with a PSA: Please, for the love of God, stop feeding the narcissists. And if you’re the type of person who posts about it every time you go for a fucking run, kindly toss your phone into the nearest body of water. It’s for your own good.