On today’s episode of Keeping Up With The Kountry, Kim Kardashian is heading to the White House. That’s right, our girl Kim’s long awaited prison reform meeting with President Trump is scheduled to happen today, because who run the world?? Reality stars now, I guess. On Wednesday, instead of pitching the president appetite-suppressing lollipops, Kim will push him to pardon Alice Johnson, a grandmother and first-time offender who has been serving a life sentence for a nonviolent drug crime. Johnson’s case is a perfect example of how our prison system is more messed up than that cute fuckboy you keep telling yourself is just “complicated.” Also lol at the fact that Kim Kardashian meeting Trump at the White House is actually one of the most reasonable things that’s happened since he was elected president.
Kim’s been working to get Johnson pardoned since last October, with Jared and Ivanka as her unlikely allies. Kim originally saw the story on Mic‘s twitter, so like who says the Kardashians don’t read the news? (Also, hi Kim sign up for our newsletter.) As it turns out, Jared’s also totally into prison reform, since his father spent a year in prison for crimes like tax evasion and witness tampering, and Ivanka’s on board since her father may end up in prison one day too, or at least that’s what I tell myself every night as I try to fall asleep.
According to Vanity Fair, Kim will meet with Jared and other officials first, and then they’ll take her over to the Oval Office to chat with Trump himself. And while Trump’s administration has been rolling back Obama-era protections for nonviolent drug offenders under the guidance of evil wood elf Jeff Sessions, Trump loooooves getting flattered by celebrities, so Kim may actually end up securing a pardon.
You know it’s a big deal because Kim won’t bring the camera crew for Keeping Up With The Kardashians with her, and she’s leaving her sisters at home, which is actually too bad because Kourtney is famously the one who taught Kim “there’s people dying” and Kendall might’ve had some tips for Jared on how sharing a Pepsi could help him with his other big project – making peace in the Middle East.
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Donald Trump is momentarily not the biggest lunatic asshole in Midtown Manhattan, which comes to a surprise for us all. Earlier this week Attorney Aaron Schlossberg verbally assaulted a bunch of people at a Fresh Kitchen because he heard them speaking Spanish to each other. First of all, people at a Fresh Kitchen on a weekday at lunch are having a hard enough time, there’s no need to be extra rude to them. Second of all, and more significantly, he harassed them because they weren’t speaking English…in New York City. Home of the Statue of Liberty and Ellis Island. Birth place of West Side Story. Cue an eye roll big enough to push him into the East River.
Who this this bigot in Midtown Manhattan? What’s his name?
Please share this.
Here he is harassing & insulting two women for speaking Spanish…TO EACH OTHER in the middle of Manhattan.
Trump has empowered ugly white people like this to say whatever they feel like saying. pic.twitter.com/WbHlet6H7c
— Shaun King (@ShaunKing) May 16, 2018
In the cellphone video of his racist ass rant, he threatens to call ICE on the people who are, by the way, MAKING HIS LUNCH. He also announces that he “pays their welfare” which is odd because they’re literally actively on the clock at their place of work. If I’ve ever learned anything, it’s don’t be mean to anyone with the ability to put poison in your food. Obviously, though, Mr. Schlossberg isn’t one to follow any decency guidelines.
And if you thought this was the only video of Schlossberg being a racist goon, think again:
This is the unedited video from October of 2016 of Manhattan Attorney Aaron Schlossberg assaulting, then calling a complete stranger “an ugly fucking foreigner” on the sidewalk on 5th Avenue.
The man he’s talking to, @morewillie, is a white man from Massachusetts.
He’s unhinged pic.twitter.com/epkpFWggx6
— Shaun King (@ShaunKing) May 17, 2018
In a beautiful twist of fate, his rant has gone viral and the internet has done what it does best, which is identify him and his workplace and “Yelp bomb” his company. He has received so many 1 star reviews, if you visit it now, there is a notification saying the site is going through an “active cleanup.” Maybe while they’re actively cleaning up the Yelp page, they can sweep his ass up in the trash. Just a thought.
Heads up, you need to keep up with the news. It’s not cute anymore. That’s why we’ve created a 5x weekly newsletter called The ‘Sup that will explain all the news of the week in a hilarious af way. Because if we weren’t laughing, we’d be crying. Sign up for The ‘Sup now!
This week, Pepsi released the commercial for their new “Live For Now Moments Anthem” campaign (which is a fucking mouthful and what does it mean??), and to say people are unimpressed would be an understatement. In times like this, it seemed like there was nothing that could unite the American public, but Pepsi and Kendall Jenner have managed to do it by offending literally every single person with this bizarre ad. We’re going to break it down for you, but we recommend first watching the video in its entirety here. Do it now while you still can—we have a feeling it’s not going to be up for much longer.
Basically, the painfully long ad shows an off-brand Black Lives Matter march going down the street where Kendall Jenner happens to be doing a photoshoot. Because anyone who’s ever been to a protest knows that a closed-off street with hundreds to thousands of people crushed up against each other like sardines, marching along at a snail’s pace while chanting, is the perfect place to shoot some fashion ad.
I mean, this has got to be the weakest protest ever. “Join the conversation”? That’s not a call to action. That would be like if I showed up to the Women’s March like “Hey misogynistic men, can you guys kindly consider giving women equal rights and we can talk about bodily autonomy later? No? OK.”
Here we have Kendall, sporting a blonde wig and some Lala Kent hoops. The hoops are irrelevant but the wig will become important later.
^This is what democracy looks like!
Kendall sees this protest going on all of a sudden—because apparently she hasn’t checked social media in the past week to see all the Facebook event RSVPs, I guess—and gets this look in her eyes that says “What are all those poor people doing down there? Don’t they know inside is where the air conditioning is?”
BUT THEN it all changes when a semi-cute guy with a cello on his back locks eyes with Kendall and gives her The Nod. She rips off her wig, smears her lipstick (the ultimate “fuck you” to the patriarchy) and joins the protestors, while the photographers are like “Bitch WTF you have a job to do, we get paid by the hour.” Kendall doesn’t care, though—she’s got a movement to join!
She makes her way to the front and grabs a Pepsi on the way—because all protests come equipped with buckets of free Pepsi on ice—and greets a line of police officers with an ice-cold can of Pepsi.
And just like that, we solved the issue of police brutality, guys! Kendall turns back to the protestors, who are all cheering her on for her heroic act of bravery. And to think, all those policemen who killed unarmed people of color were just thirsty! Can we add that we all know that if there was one soda to unite us all, it would be Diet Coke? Anyway. Everybody is happy, and one of the police officers definitely thinks he’s gonna fuck Kendall later. You can tell because he turns to his police buddy and gives him the following look:
If that doesn’t say “I’m SO gonna hit that,” then I don’t know what does.
The whole plot of the commercial is very questionable, but for Pepsi to think someone like Kendall Jenner would be the right person to convey their pseudo-social justice message in the first place is more than a little alarming. Like, they could’ve easily used that cute Muslim girl with the head covering, but instead she was basically just Kendall’s adoring fan with a chunky video camera from the late 90s.
What’s really the most laughable, though, is that the face of this “movement,” Kendall Jenner, is a rich white reality TV star with a questionable blonde wig—sound like anyone we know? IRL Kendall is probably not mad about the tax breaks she’ll be getting as a super rich person, and she definitely has never had to worry about the police getting up in her business for no reason (let alone worrying about not making it out of that interaction alive… but OK yeah you’re right I’ll leave that part to Salon). In fact, the only “protest” she’s been spotted at was that one year when the Chanel show was protest themed. It’s v unclear how the people at Pepsi thought this would go over well, but someone is definitely gonna lose their job over this.
Bottom line? Kendall’s a cute girl, but she’s clearly not the one who should be starring in commercials that are supposed to make any sort of political statement. At least leave that to Shailene Woodley or something. And also Diet Coke is far superior to Pepsi and we’re very offended that Kendall would imply otherwise. That’s all.
