Let’s face it, as much as we all wish we could be cast on Matt James’ season of The Bachelor, the majority of us will have to find our post-quarantine dates the less-glamorous way: on dating apps.
Trust me. I get how frustrating online dating can be. Matching with people who can’t carry a conversation, who ghost after one date, who are outright boring, and leave you thinking “WTF?!”—it sucks. I’ve been there, and I’ve lived to tell the stories at Sunday brunch with the girls.
If you’re nodding your head at what I’m saying, here’s the revelation: maybe it’s you that’s doing online dating wrong.
So while your Bachelor submission is being reviewed, take the time to think about how you can get that profile snatched and make sure you’re attracting quality matches. Let’s talk about some of the red flags you’ve got on your profile without even realizing, and how we can get them cleaned up.
1. Your Photos Don’t Reflect What You Want
If 75% of your dating profile photos are of you on spring break in a bikini, don’t be surprised if you’re only attracting people who are sending you fire emojis and asking if you’re DTF.
If that’s what you’re looking for, more power to you. If it’s not, it may be time to swap out some of those photos for more everyday looks and outfits—for example, you in a cute look at a coffee shop, or you and some friends at a beer garden. Think about it this way: the guy who only has shirtless mirror pics on his profile doesn’t exactly scream “let’s share some time over a glass of wine and charcuterie, and end the night just watching Friends”… right? As much as it sucks, people definitely make snap judgments based on the photos they see.
2. Your Profile Is Basic, Not Basic+
Basic+ means you’ve elevated basic without straying too far from it. Meaning, you’re still incorporating culturally cliche dislikes/interests/references—for example, hiking and avocado toast—but without being too unoriginal about it. So if your bio simply says “Loves The Office, brunch, and spending time with my dogs”, just know that your profile is basic AF and looks exactly like 90% of the other profiles out there.
So how do you get from basic to basic+? Incorporate some wit and humor.
For example, “The only thing I can guarantee is that I have better fashion sense than Dwight” or “Love language? Mine’s brunch”. Both allude to universally basic interests and references, but take them one level deeper by making them a little more interesting. By showing this little bit of personality, you’re so much more likely to stand out amongst a sea of basic, hopefully attracting someone who appreciates humor and wit.
3. You’re Not Diversifying Your Portfolio
Remember that lesson you learned in freshman finance class about diversifying your portfolio? Finally, something from college you can use in the real world besides your beer pong skills.
To be clear, when I say “diversify your portfolio”, I mean that you should get on different apps so that you’re exposed to more prospective matches. Casting a wider net gives you a better chance at meeting the type of person for whom you’re willing to put on real pants and leave the house.
4. You Keep Responding To “Hey”
If someone messages you saying “hi ”, don’t waste your time replying.
The “hey” person puts in minimal effort. It means they didn’t bother to look at your bio or photos long enough to write something witty, and they probably don’t care all that much about chatting with you. They’re likely playing dating like a numbers game, rapid-fire replying to all matches with a basic “what’s up”.
More times than not, the “hey” person will either (a) not have the ability to carry out a conversation, or (b) eventually ghost you based on their lack of interest. Nip it in the bud, and don’t even waste your time replying.
5. You Ignore Your Friends’ Warnings
Have you ever ordered from a restaurant after noticing they’ve averaged two stars on Yelp? No? Okay, then WTF are you doing chatting with people on dating apps that your friends have told you they’ve had bad experiences with?
Even in big cities, it’s not unlikely that you and your friends are going to come across the same people while using the apps. I’m not saying it’s impossible for you to fall in love with or seriously date the person who left your friend waiting alone for an Uber at 1:30am…but common sense says avoid those people.
If you don’t take your friend’s advice, don’t be surprised when the person treats you in an equally sh*tty way or if your friend says “I told you so”.
6. You Take It To Snapchat Right Away
If Snapchat was created specifically for a person, that person would be pre-Amal George Clooney. Yeah, I’m talking about the most eligible bachelor you could possibly think of at that time.
If the person you’ve matched with asks you to transition to Snapchat (or Instagram DM, for my millennials) before you’ve even met once, they’re likely wanting to be super casual and love the fact that Snapchat means zero receipts and zero accountability. Ugh, right?
So as much as you should live your life with Amal confidence, sometimes steering clear of this type of guy or girl is just easier. The alternative, of course, is swerving their suggestion and using the “I don’t really use Snap much” excuse. Either stay on the app, or transition to a more 2020-esque George Clooney medium, like texting.
7. You’re Playing And Tolerating The Waiting Game
News flash: the waiting game (you know, waiting X amount of days to reply to a message) is as out of style as layered tanks and low-rise jeans. If you’re playing it, stop. If the person who’s messaging you is playing it, drop them.
Even though the waiting game was instilled in us during the Blackberry days as the number one texting-your-crush tactic, it’s frankly just rude. If you notice someone playing it, use it as a signal that they’re either more interested in mind games than you or straight-up don’t know how to communicate. Either way, it’s a waste of your time and an easy red flag to spot.
Image: Sincerely Media / Unsplash; uuppod (3) / Instagram
The annoying thing about dating advice, generally speaking, is that it tends to be 100% based on other peoples’ opinions. And if you’ve ever engaged in polite conversation, you’ll know that most peoples’ opinions fucking suck. I’ve read countless times that showing up late and mentioning horoscopes is a guaranteed dealbreaker, but my Scorpio boyfriend (tragic, I know) was kind enough to overlook all that, and we’ve been thriving ever since. So, I’m not here to give advice on dating specifically, an activity at which everyone unabashedly sucks. Instead, I’m here to make sure you actually make it to the point where you can decide whether or not you want a second date, rather than taking yourself out of the running with a too-soon friend request or some other amateur bullshit. Here are three ways you’re scaring guys off before you get a chance to reject them yourself. Take notes.
Overusing Social Media
Social media is tricky. You need a distraction from the all-consuming task of not triple-texting, so you decide to post an Instagram story that happens to highlight your breasts and/or totally raging social life. And which you then go on to update every 30 minutes. Totally harmless right? Wrong. If triple-texting is unattractive because it looks like you’re too into him, non-stop social media is unattractive because it looks like you’re way too into your phone/yourself. (Which like, you are, but let him find that out on his own.)
Social media stories typically fall into two acceptable categories. If they’re actually interesting/entertaining (what the kids refer to as “quality content”), post away. Keep in mind that this typically requires you having an interesting job or life, such as interacting with celebrities. Just my two cents. If your stories fall more into the “day in the life but my hair looks good” category, you’re going to really want to limit it to the highlights. ONE selfie er day. ONE meal pic every three days, and the sunlight better be hitting your avocado toast JUST right. You get the idea.
Guys watching a story you updated every two minutes aren’t admiring your fun, cool life. They’re picturing you standing in the middle of that scene with your eyeballs glued to your phone. More importantly, they’re picturing dating you as an unpaid photographer gig with a side of watching you scroll through filters. (Again, this is accurate, but it’s also a reality that men need to be phased into slowly. If they’re aware of what’s happening before it’s too late to stop it, you’re doing it wrong.)
You’re not Kim K. You can’t get away with this.
Planning Out Every Last Detail
On average, it takes me and my boyfriend maybe 60 texts to nail down a dinner date. I reject the first 15 restaurant suggestions, he suggests between seven and 12 different meeting points, I get preemptively snarky about his outfit, and the fun rolls on. Fine and good when you’ve tricked someone into you’re in a committed relationship. Early on, though, anything above a single-digit number of texts to make a plan is going to be off-putting. This includes everything from the first “when should we get together” text to when you’re actually, physically speaking. Which means you should leave room for one “I’m here” text when you arrive, and should absolutely not be texting “do you want me to get a table or meet at the bar? LMK!” once you do arrive.
Texting back and forth over every detail makes you seem like you can’t make a decision without outside input, and runs the risk of exhausting him so much that the idea of meeting you in person no longer seems fun. This includes texts moving around the meet-up time, suggesting more than two locations (or including more than a five-word description of either one), or in any way reiterating the plans you’ve literally just made. (The boy can both scroll up and read, right? If not, get higher standards.) If you’re taking the initiative to make the plan, actually make the plan. And if he’s taking charge, either agree to something quickly or decide his suggestions all suck and just cancel altogether. Anything else will just breed irritation when your name pops up on their phone.
Your crush if you don’t ease TF up:
Taking The “Cool Girl” Thing Too Literally
Congratulations, you are a grown-ass woman. Everything in your life falls perfectly into place, seemingly without effort. You don’t need this man’s validation, and you won’t be crushed if this date doesn’t go well. You’re down for anything that comes up, but you’re just as down to walk away. You are the perfect embodiment of everything men are supposed to want women to be. Well—SURPRISE, BITCH! This is 2018, and perfect is no longer good enough. While I maintain that the above is a great attitude to hold internally, there are two glaring issues. One, this is true for exactly no one; you likely try very hard for everything you’ve achieved, and care at least a little, and hiding that is dumb. Two, it leaves very little room for you to make a meaningful connection. If someone’s going to get to know you, you have to show some vulnerability.
That means you can’t just be “fine with whatever” when it comes to spending the night, going out again, or picking your first vacation spot. You have to be honest about what you want, even if that means maybe not getting it. While being the Cool Girl might keep a guy interested in chasing you for a decently long time, maintaining the Cool Girl virtually guarantees that he’ll never be actually interested in dating you. In fact, he has no idea who the fuck you are beyond a girl who answers his texts less quickly than his other matches, and is therefore intriguing. Somewhere, some bitch who probably has an adorable Southern accent will outplay you by answering his texts just as slowly but then confessing that she’s getting attached on date three with a giggle that makes him feel like a Big Special Man. It’s all about balance.
This is where being a Cool Girl gets you. Covered in blood and hugging Ben “I specialize in on- and off-screen adultery” Affleck. Don’t be the Cool Girl, ladies!
Once you’re on the actual date, everyone has a million highly specific preferences for what person they want you to be. (You do too, don’t lie.) But with these tips, you’ll hopefully at least make it on the date before you fuck it up. Good luck out there!
Images: Giphy (3)
A recent study has joined my mother in claiming that our generation is taking too many selfies. Published in the International Journal of Mental Health and Addiction, the study refers to compulsive selfie taking as “selfitis.” This, of course, begs the question: can we call out of work due to selfitis?
How many selfies are too many selfies? Asking for a friend. Dr. Ramani Durvasula, a professor of psychology at California State University, says that, “a selfie addiction is when a person is almost obsessively taking selfies, multiple times a day, and posting that to whatever it might be – Snapchat, or Facebook, Instagram.” Cool, so every Kardashian has selfitis. No surprise there. What are some other symptoms? Some major red flags are if more than half of your photos are selfies and you’re constantly using filters — so the same rules for swiping on a guy’s Tinder.
What’s the harm in taking too many selfies? Selfies = likes = validation = need for more validation = selfies, and so on and so forth until one day you reach nirvana, no? According to these so-called studies, spending too much time taking selfies and posting them to social media can negatively affect your self-esteem, and even cause anxiety and depression. Well, this explains a lot…
According to Dr. Durvasula, selfitis can be treated by putting down your phone and creating “selfie-free zones.” Not to be a bitch, but a selfie-free zone sounds like a p. hostile environment to me. Dr. Durvasula also says that if you are concerned a friend might have selfitis, you can help by not liking their posts and validating them. Way harsh, Tai.
So, I guess if none of your selfies are getting enough likes, you can assume it’s just because your friends are worried that you are unhealthily obsessed with your own face and have selfitis. Phew.
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You’ve probably spent the last week complaining about the new Snapchat update, but you’re definitely not the only one. On Wednesday, Kylie Jenner tweeted that she doesn’t even use Snapchat anymore, and the whole world noticed, apparently. On Thursday, Snapchat’s stock lost over $1.3 billion, and experts are blaming Kylie. Call it a crime scene, because Kylie Jenner killed Snapchat. So yeah, if you’re one of those people who still claims that Kylie Jenner and the rest of the Kardashians don’t actually matter, the stock market would beg to fucking differ.
Kylie tweeted that the new Snapchat update “is so sad,” and also called Snapchat her first love, which I’d make fun of, but honestly, same. I’m not like, trying to have a baby anytime soon, but I’m definitely more committed to my Snapchat streaks than I am to 85% of my interpersonal relationships. My therapist definitely isn’t making enough for putting up with my shit.
If Kylie is really serious about giving up the Snapchat life, it’s going to be a big adjustment for her. She was less active while in her pregnancy lockdown hideaway, but she’s always used her story as a major branding tool. I’ve wasted literal hours of my life watching her do lip kit swatches on her forearm, and it just sucks to think that this might be the end.
sooo does anyone else not open Snapchat anymore? Or is it just me… ugh this is so sad.
— Kylie Jenner (@KylieJenner) February 21, 2018
Kylie was also an avid user of Snapchat filters, particularly the puppy and the deer. Her go-to was basically just staring into the camera while playing the music of whatever rapper she was dating at the time, which is the exact content I most identify with. Snapchat has given the world many important thirst trap moments, but all good things must come to an end.
So now that Kylie Jenner killed Snapchat , you can probably find her hawking her makeup on Insta stories. Oh wait, I forgot we still have Insta stories. Forget all that shit I said before, we’re totally going to be fine. Plus, I’ve already spent too much time and energy worrying about Kylie Jenner this month. Call me if Khloé has her baby, but other than that I’m taking a fucking nap.
Images: Shutterstock; Giphy
Either Kylie Jenner is trolling us, or this bitch is really pregnant. Okay, given what I know about the Kardashian-Jenner family and their unquenchable thirst for publicity, both possibilities could certainly be true. At the same time, no less. Regardless, Kylie is definitely playing into the pregnancy rumors, because now people are all up in arms over her Snap story from Friday night, where she lip syncs changes camera angles with a song playing in the background (as she does) and captioned it “Nothing’s gonna hurt you baby”. So you can see where the internet—or should I say, the dark corners of the internet that are still overanalyzing Kylie Jenner’s every move—collectively went nuts.
Watch the offending Snap story for yourself, and then judge.
I’m basically a professional conspiracy theorist at this point (I’m like, one wrong Youtube video away from becoming a Sovereign Citizen, probably), but even I think this is a streeeetch. Number one, this is a song. Number two, “baby” could mean anything. It could be a term of endearment directed at Travis Scott. Or it could be directed at nobody in particular. It could also very easily mean nothing, because like I said, this is a song. Did it mean anything when Kylie would Snapchat “I hear you talkin’ bout ‘we’ a lot, oh you speak French now”? Other than pointing to the fact that she wanted to fuck Partynextdoor, no. So why should we ascribe any meaning to another Kylie lip synching Snapchat just because there are rumors she’s pregnant? Oh right, because this is the internet and that’s what people do here.
I honestly don’t think this is that deep, and you all can quote me on that.
If you were hoping for some sort of official announcement about Kylie Jenner’s rumored pregnancy, don’t hold your breath. It’s been over two weeks since the news first broke, and the family still hasn’t really confirmed or denied that there’s a baby on the way. So in the mean time, we have to read into literally everything Kylie posts on social media, and her Snapchat stories from yesterday are definitely suspicious.
There are two Snaps in question, and together they honestly make a lot of sense. The first one is just a picture of three cinnamon buns in a baking dish, with no caption. Normally we would just think it’s Kylie’s cheat day or something, but there’s something about the idea of a bun in the oven that seems too good to ignore. We know it seems like a stretch, but stay with us.
The second Snap is what really ties things together. In the photo, Kylie is holding two of her Kylie Cosmetics phone cases, the ones with the lips dripping. One is blue, and one is pink. Notice anything? In the caption, Kylie says “Which one? I’m thinking blue…” Okay, so OBVIOUSLY Kylie is having a baby boy, and no one will tell us anything different. I hereby decree it and therefore it is fact.
So what do we think? Tbh we’re starting to get whiplash from all the Kardashian pregnancy shit that’s been flying around, but it still seems pretty likely that it’s true. It’s been a while since Kylie has posted any really slutty outfit pictures, and usually she doesn’t go a week without showing herself barely clothed. The idea that it might be a boy is an exciting development, but she could also be faking us out. Basically, we’ll know for sure in six months by watching Keeping Up.
I’ve always been the kind of person who’s super into any kind of shit that explains personalities. Whether it’s astrology, numerology, or the results of a fucking BuzzFeed quiz, I live for any information that pinpoints why people act the way they do. (It’s because my natal planet positions include Jupiter in Scorpio. Or because the legendary Elle Woods “we’re both Gemini vegetarians” quote really resonated with me at a young age. Or I’m just a narcissist. Who knows!) Anyway, I’m basically ready to throw all my star charts and psychology books away, because I’ve discovered that there’s really only one guide to truly understanding a person, and that’s a Bitmoji analysis. With the latest Snapchat updates, Bitmojis are a seriously integral aspect of daily life. Like, your Bitmoji probably gets more face time than you do. It’s not just a customized cartoon, it’s the single most representation of your entire life and soul. *Kourtney Kardashian voice* You can learn everything you need to know about someone by looking at their Bitmoji. I mean, obviously, your Bitmoji is going to be a little bit prettier than you. That’s expected. However, if your Bitmoji is way blonder, tanner and significantly thinner than you, you’re clearly out of touch with reality. On the other hand, if your Bitmoji is a carbon copy of you, you’re probably fucking hilarious and someone I’d like to drunkenly make brunch plans with in the bathroom of a club. But the biggest clue is your Bitmoji’s outfit. Here’s what your Bitmoji’s outfit and styling says about you.
Your Bitmoji Is Wearing Something From Forever 21
Choosing a Bitmoji outfit from Forever 21 is the exact same as choosing a real outfit from Forever 21. You tried on everything else in every other store in the mall, and now you’re supposed to start getting ready in an hour so you grab the first thing you see that doesn’t have a slice of pizza screen printed on the back out of sheer desperation. It’s not the worst thing you’ve ever worn, but it’s definitely not your first, second, or third choice in the grand scheme of life.
Your Bitmoji Is Dressed In Something Practical
I’ve literally never seen anyone actually use any of the practical Bitmoji outfits, which is probably because all of my Snapchat friends are still posting Snap stories of a bunch of drunk betches screaming Bieber in the back of an Uber. If your Bitmoji has a suit on, you’re way too uptight and need to pop a Xanax immediately.
Your Bitmoji Is Rocking Activewear
When in doubt, athleisure is always a great choice. It’s just such a shame that in Bitmoji world, you have to wear the generic version of Skechers Shape Ups.
Your Bitmoji Is Wearing Your Work Uniform
If your Bitmoji is in scrubs and your actual job is a nurse, you probably take your job too seriously. In this instance, it’s actually okay because it’s a really good way to avoid having to wear any of the other horrendous Bitmoji outfits.
Your Bitmoji Is Wearing A Bitmo-Tee
In the real world, graphic tees are such a slippery slope. They’re either brilliantly hilarious (like ours, hi) or absolutely cringeworthy, and there’s really no in between. In Bitmoji world, all graphic tees are major red flags. If your Bitmoji is wearing a graphic tee, you probably still think it’s okay to Instagram screenshots of motivational quotes you found on Pinterest and you need to be stopped.
Your Bitmoji Is Dressed For The Club
You’d probably never wear this outfit in real life, but you want your Bitmoji to tell the world that you’re prepared to turn up at a moment’s notice. All of the clubwear options are a little bit too Instagram model-y for everyday situations, like when your Bitmoji is enthusiastically sipping coffee on a Monday morning, but it’s definitely not the worst option.
Your Bitmoji Has A Costume On
If your Bitmoji is dressed as a fucking cupcake, you need to reel it in. Like, we get it. You do drugs and listen to a lot of EDM.
Your Bitmoji Is Keeping It Casual
In real life, all of the casual Bitmoji outfits would scream Pinterest mom. In Bitmoji world, they’re kind of the only truly safe bet. If your Bitmoji is in something casual, you’ve given up on trying to find a cartoon outfit that you’d actually wear because you have better shit to do. (Or complain about, and not actually do.)
Anyone who’s ever stayed in on a weekend night (so like, all of us) has experienced the FOMO that comes along with a night of being responsible aka too hungover from the previous night. You settle in for a night of Netflix, but first you gotta check your apps. Facebook is the same—just some of your vaguely prejudiced friends posting veiled statuses in support of Trump, nothing new to see there. You check Instagram and have a few chuckles at some memes. But then you make the cardinal mistake of checking Snapchat, and you come to the realization that everyone is out having fun without you. Your friends aren’t holding a funeral service for your absence. Your coworkers who said they were doing nothing this weekend are all out drinking without you. Those bitches. But never fear, because we’re exposing the reality of all those “fun” parties you see in our new Social Media Vs. Reality video series. That lit house party you see your roommate at? Yeah, that’s probably like, three people and an iPhone. The crazy club night your cousin’s posting about? Think of it this way: If it were really that fun, she wouldn’t be constantly taking breaks from dancing to capture, filter, and upload selfies every 10 minutes. I know, I’m a genius.
Anyway, here’s what that house party you saw on Snapchat was actually like IRL. (Spoiler alert: You didn’t miss anything.)
