Even before coronavirus was the only thing we had to talk about, everyone’s dating app profiles were already pretty much the exact same. On any given profile, you’d be guaranteed to see a line about The Office, loving margaritas, or asking your opinion about pineapple on pizza. But the lack of originality is even worse than usual. We may all be living the exact same lives right now, but that doesn’t mean we need to be making the same jokes about toilet paper, how we don’t know what day it is, or if we’ll ever leave our homes again. We all get enough of that coronavirus small talk on our Zoom meetings with our bosses. Here are all the quarantine dating app opening lines, bios, and prompt answers that no one ever wants to hear again.
“This year, I really want to…leave my apartment”
All this does is remind me that I had to cancel all of my summer trips and will instead be getting drunk on White Claws all by myself and inflating a mini pool in my living room just to feel something.
“Need some toilet paper?”
Not sure about everyone else, but I don’t know a single person who has had trouble finding toilet paper in the last two months. The toilet paper jokes should have ended in March, just like any hope we had of having a real summer.
“Can’t wait to hang out after quarantine”
The optimism here is nice, but given all the people playing the game of “how many drunk people can we cram into this public pool” in states outside of New York and California, it’s looking like quarantine is literally never going to end. You’re better off acknowledging that we’re all probably going to be FaceTime dating until it’s time for our Zoom weddings in 2023.
“On day __ of quarantine…”
Just like every major event planned for 2020, jokes about wearing sweatpants every day, having conversations with your cat, and not remembering what day it is have been canceled. Once my Boomer parents start making jokes about it, that means it’s officially time for the joke to retire (to Facebook, where your relatives share memes from six months ago).
“Ideal night out…going outside”
“F*ck, am I ever going to go to a crowded bar and pay for overpriced drinks and forget my purse in the bathroom because ‘Mr. Brightside’ came on and I needed to go scream-sing it with my friends ever again?” That’s what this response makes me think of. Not exactly “swipe right” material.
“First round is on me if…Rona ever ends”
Then odds are, there won’t ever be a “first round.” Maybe you wrote this back in March when you thought the world would go into lockdown for a few weeks and then everything would go back to normal. In that case, maybe it’s time for an update.
“I’d break quarantine for you.”
Hmmm…. Pretty sure if you’re breaking quarantine for me, you’re also probably breaking it for every other girl you talk to. It may feel like it’s been 84 years since I’ve felt a human’s touch, but I’d still rather ride out the rest of the hellscape that is 2020 alone than get coronavirus from a guy whose entire profile consists of mirror selfies.
Puns are never effective even when the world isn’t living out an episode of Black Mirror. And maybe we’re lowering our standards a little bit right now (I’d swipe right on a Goldfish cracker if it meant I could talk to it), but not enough for me to change my mind about immediately unmatching with anyone who uses puns.
“If coronavirus doesn’t take you out, can I?”
IDK if you’ve read the news lately, but 100,000 people have died. And if that isn’t enough to convince you that this is a super f*cking insensitive thing to say, consider that eventually you will probably end up sending it to someone who has lost someone to Covid.
“I love The Office!”
Because apparently, even in a global pandemic where we’ve all got nothing but time to stream new content, people still think being obsessed with a seven-year-old TV show is a personality trait.
Not only are none of these even that funny, they’re also just a really f*cking boring way to start a conversation. Like, do you really want to talk about your quarantine routine with every person you match with? It seems like maybe we should all make a resolution to fix our dating app game before this is all over.
Images: Samantha Gades / Unsplash; Maddie Dean (9)
One of life’s great mysteries is why anyone would strike up an unsolicited convo with someone they don’t know. It’s hard enough having the energy to be (somewhat) polite to the people we do know, which is why most of the time we don’t even do that. Avoiding talking to strangers is why cell phones were invented, and before that, why people just stared at the wall rather than share commentary about the weather with some rando they’ll never see again. It’s basically part of How To a Be Normal Person 101.
Of course there are still many people who don’t understand this, and they’ve now made it onto our official shit list of the worst kinds of talkative strangers. We hope you enjoy it, but mostly we hope it makes them STFU.
1. The Elevator Small Talker
This is the person who can’t share a confined space for 10 seconds without blurting out some awkward joke and trying to make eye contact the entire time. It’s absurd because there’s barely enough time to register the fact that they’re speaking, let alone give any type of response. That’s why you should never indulge these small talkers other than by giving them the finger as you walk out of the elevator.
2. The Uber Driver Who Apparently Hasn’t Talked to a Human in Years
We’ve all had that Uber driver who tries to start a conversation from the moment you get in the vehicle to the second you leave. They’re fascinated by where you’re from, where you’re going and everything else about you. Too fascinated. The only explanation is that they’ve just escaped living on a desert island and you’re their first lucky passenger.
3. The Overzealous Waiter
We get it bro, you work for tips. That doesn’t mean you need to be a comedian or my best friend. In fact, the longer you stand there introducing yourself and every nickname you’ve had since you were five, the longer I’m waiting for my martini. Chop. Chop.
4. The Airplane Passenger Turned Travel Partner
Some people understand that airplane seats are chosen at random. Others believe that whoever is seated next to them has been fated to be their flying buddy and endure their life story over the next few hours that they’re sitting together. Depending on how long the flight is, this could very well ruin your entire vacation.
5. The Nosy Cashier
If I walk into a drugstore at 10am on Sunday and purchase three bottles of Gatorade, Plan B, cigarettes, and a copy of the Holy Bible, the LAST thing I want to hear from the cashier is “Ha ha rough night??” TG for self-checkout; I hope I never have to deal with another cashier in my life.
6. The Sad Stranger Who Needs A Therapist
These people appear all over the place and they’ll jump at the chance to tell you how bad their day has been. They’ll say things like “This was the last thing I needed” after the train gets delayed 15 minutes, and will look at you with their sad eyes trying to unload their drama for as long as you’ll let them. Usually it’s best to say “Yikes” or just give them a pointed look and return to checking Facebook because you don’t need that extra baggage in your life.
7. The Yuppie Douche Always Trying To Network
I get that everyone has to network at some point to be successful, but there’s a time and a place. Drinking at a party is not one of them, and the last thing I want to do while getting wasted is to discuss all our mutual friends that went to Michigan for three hours, or even worse, how your new startup is going. Hard pass. Put your business card away; I do not want that shit.
8. The Friend Of A Guy Who Wants To Hit On You
Is there anything more annoying than a toolish dude sidling up to you only to point to “his friend over there” who thinks you’re really cute? He’ll then call his friend over as if to say “look it’s not that hard!” But it is that hard because I’ve already walked away 10 minutes ago.