I’m not going to lie, the research for this article was pretty harrowing. But between Urban Dictionary, Wikipedia, and Googling “decoded rap lyrics,” I’ve now compiled a fairly exhaustive list of sex terms you should probs know but I sincerely hope you don’t use all that often. While we’ve already covered sex terms you’ve heard and didn’t want to ask about, this list is kind of like the darknet version of that. Good luck, let’s dive in.
1. Eiffel Tower/Spit Roast
These terms describe what sounds like a nightmare I’m not dirty enough to come up with, but I guess could be sexually satisfying if you’re into group sex/extreme stimulation. Specifically, two people equipped with dicks will use those dicks on a third party, who’s on all fours between them (typically a woman, but TBH I don’t see why it needs to be). The middle person will be fucked in their preferred hole on one end, while simultaneously sucking someone’s dick and mentally making a note to add “skilled at multi-tasking” to their resume. If the two men in this situation stare down at their feet, it’s called a “spit roast” or “pig roast,” while if they high five over the third person’s back it becomes an Eiffel Tower. If you don’t understand why, put yourself in the mind of a fuckboy and picture the shapes that these three people are making with their bodies. Get it? Good, and I’m sorry.
Once the initialism is broken down, it’s pretty self-explanatory: ass to mouth. A guy puts his dick into an ass and then into a mouth, and does not pass go does not collect 200 dollars does not put it anywhere in between, like a shower or a giant tub of hand sanitizer (actually, that would probably not be a better alternative pre-mouth). Either way, sounds like E. coli waiting to happen, and I’m confused by why either party would find this hot.
Again, not much to this one other than the letters involved: it means “fat upper pubic area,” and the Urban Dictionary definition delightfully clarifies that it is commonly MIS-translated as “fat upper pussy area.” AKA this is something that can affect both men and women easily (take that, patriarchy!), but still seems pretty mean if used to refer to any human. Honestly, seems a little less like a sex term and more like a body insecurity you didn’t know you needed. I guess its geographic relation to the body parts you use for sex makes it relevant.
4. Rusty Trombone
Like the Eiffel Tower and Spit Roast, someone looked at the flesh shapes here and came up with an eclectic, non-quotidian image that vaguely resembled it. I guess there’s a limit to creativity when naming these things, but I wish the terms sounded less like they’d been coined by disgruntled circus employees. Anyway, a rusty trombone is when a guy has his ass eaten (“tossing salad,” if you recall from our last sex-term roundup) while the same person jacks him off at the same time. Is this what a trombone being played looks like? IDK, and I’m certainly not Google image searching this shit (and speaking of shit, please don’t make me explain “rusty” to you), so let’s just go ahead and trust the perv who came up with this.
Ugh, this is so my least favorite so let’s just get it over with. Remember creampies? This is that, but with butts. Urban Dictionary maintains it could also refer to sucking semen out of any old orifice, but usually it’s a butt. Sometimes a straw is involved. I’m trying very hard to maintain low judgment with these terms, to each their sexual own and all that, but oh my god. JUDGMENT.
6. Facial/Pearl Necklace
Now that we’re past felching, the rest of these are really just babytown frolics. If you’ve watched enough Sex and the City, or really any mainstream TV, you should know what this is. Facial (not the spa kind) is when a guy cums on your face. Pearl necklace (not the jewelry kind) is when a guy comes on your chest with a kind of precision I’ve personally never witnessed, “drawing” a necklace on you with his cum. The names of these terms actually seem kind of worse than the others, because it seems like men are trying to trick women into doing them by naming them after things that women already like. Like “hey honey, do you want to get a facial today? And then BOOM. Obvs hope this has never happened, but we know all men are trash and writing this article has only made me more cynical. Sigh.
7. Snowballing/Cum Swapping
Referred to as a sex “game” on Urban Dictionary, this is when people pass cum from one of their mouths to another person’s mouth. It’s like the “suck/blow” game from Clueless, only the thing you’re both sucking and blowing is semen. More cum may be added in this process, because I guess there’s just a procession of men at various stages of reaching orgasm, hence a “snowball” effect. I’m sad. I’m so sad now.
Another weirdly image-based and fairly common term. Teabagging is when a guy dips his balls into your mouth. Like teabags into tea. You’ve probably done this, your friends have probably done this, and if you didn’t know it was called teabagging before there’s really no need to start calling it that now. This is just an excuse to turn beet red when your next relative offers you a cup of tea.
9. Turkey Slap/Mushroom Stamp
This act just seems like a weird further fetishization of dicks by their owners, but it involves a guy slapping someone across the face with an “erect or semi-erect” penis. I’m not even sure if it’s meant to be sexual or some display of power, but it’s definitely the most aptly-named term on this list, right?
Turkey slapping is kind of a sub-category of Swaffelen, but I’m giving it its own entry because it was the Dutch word of the year in 2008 and that’s hilarious. It means “to hit one’s penis repeatedly against someone or something,” and it became the word of the year after a Dutch student was arrested for swaffling (verb form) against the Taj Mahal in India. Again, men are idiots who love their own dicks, and I need to go sob into a pillow now.
Will these words be integrated into daily descriptions of last night’s Hinge date? Dear God I hope not, but they do have their uses, mostly for knowing when guys are saying disgusting things around you and trying to get away with it by using weird code. Again, your sexual preferences are your own and no one’s business—but if you’re more Disney-Miley than twerk-Miley, seeing these terms in a potential cuff’s search history is a solid sign to run for the hills. Now get out there and scare all your friends at brunch by teaching them these terms.
2017 was a shit storm. Actually, that’s an understatement, but I’m too emotionally drained from talking about how shitty this year was to accurately describe it. Obviously, we’re all going to try to make 2018 way better. Realistically, we’re probably going to be dragging the majority of our terrible baggage into the new year. So instead of setting unattainable goals, like drinking less and exercising more, let’s be honest and work towards something we can actually do. Ditching 2017’s most annoying slang terms is a really great start towards creating a less shitty new year. Here are 10 words you need to not use in 2018. You have like, over a month to quit, so no excuses.
This word was pretty much over the second it began. It is by far the most annoying slang term of 2017. (In a survey conducted by me, where I only asked myself.) This also goes for variations on shook, i.e. “shooketh”.
Lit is pretty much only acceptable when it’s being used to describe something sarcastically. Like, saying that your dentist appointment was lit is kind of funny. But that’s about as funny as it gets, and it’s not even enough for a forced “lol dead.” Just stop saying it.
I don’t care if Chris Pratt is standing in front of you with a baby Australian Shepherd puppy. You should never call anyone Daddy. It’s creepy as shit.
We get it. We all wear leggings and drink the same hot beverages in the morning. We like brunch. Get over it.
Have you noticed that extra and basic kind of go hand in hand? They’re supposed to be opposites but people are morons and tend to misuse them interchangeably, so they’re both cancelled. Like, no, your eyelash extensions cannot be “SOO extra” and “basic AF” at the same time.
Sorry, you’re going to have to find another term to describe leaving someone on read. Savage gets used way too frequently in boring contexts, so it’s not even really effective anymore.
7. Sorry Not Sorry
Sorry Demi, but I think Facebook moms say this now. It’s been over.
By all means, be ambitious, but please stop commenting “goals” with the heart eye emoji on all of Chrissy Teigen’s Instagrams.
Enough with saying attractive people are looking like snacks. It just makes me want an actual snack.
Low-key has high-key become a place holder to fill up sentences that feel kind of empty or to attempt to sound less bitchy. Just stop.
Nothing will transport you back to high school faster than being in a room full of people talking about some type of sex you’ve never heard of. Not that high school wasn’t fun, but who likes being reminded that once upon a time, they were a virgin who couldn’t drive? Even though it’s literally impossible to keep up with all the weird euphemisms for sex people come up with, you’re obviously not supposed to let on that you have no idea WTF truffle butter means. (You’re not going to like it. Or maybe you will—I don’t know the details of your sex life and I prefer to keep it that way.) I don’t know how people maintained a cool, sexually sophisticated façade before the internet, but luckily, we live in an era where you can pull up Urban Dictionary on your phone whenever you want. Blessings.
In the interest of pretending like you’re not totally vanilla, here are the definitions of 10 sex terms you’re too embarrassed to admit you don’t know.
1. Truffle Butter
Nicki Minaj wrote an entire song about this one, but if Googling it somehow slipped your mind and it’s too late to ask anyone, allow me to explain. Truffle butter is the result of going from anal sex to vaginal sex—apparently, it’s the tan shit (possibly literally) around your vag. In order to maintain my faith in humanity I’m just gonna assume it’s a thing that happens once and never again in any relationship, because the idea makes me want to puke. Also, hello, does nobody realize that’s a UTI waiting to happen? I am scarred.
BTW, the mess is also known by another name: Santorum. Please Google it because the origins of the name are the only good thing to come out of American politics since Jackie Kennedy’s dress sense.
I’ll keep this definition as short as the word itself: Chodes are short, fat dicks. This can be taken literally or figuratively—Jonah Hill, for example, could be considered a chode. Although he fits the definition to a T in other ways, Pussy Grabber-in-Chief is (surprisingly) too tall to fit in the category in the literal sense. And for those of you who are wondering, according to Google, Donald Trump is supposedly 6’2″, but given his clear Napoleon complex I’m going to declare that fact fake news.
The online definitions vary, but the basic definition of a creampie is when a dude’s semen drips out of you after sex. Because someone, somewhere will literally lick anything out of a vagina, creampies sometimes refer to when your partner licks said semen up once you’re done banging. I would take this time to ask “WHO DOES THAT??” but honestly, I don’t want to know. Please try to contain your vom.
Bukkake is not a trendy new sushi roll—it’s when a bunch of dudes jack off onto a woman’s body, which sounds enjoyable for precisely no one. Like, where do you gather all these dudes? What are the rules for eye contact? Do the men acknowledge that this is way beyond the rules of the bro code? What the fuck are women supposed to get out of it, aside from a lot of blackmail material? If I wanted to personally collect a whole bunch of DNA evidence, I’d work in a crime lab.
If you’re a bi betch or know anyone who plays for both teams, they’ve def complained about the idea of a unicorn before. Aside from being the mythical creature you asked for on your 9th birthday, unicorns are the nickname for a chick who joins a het couple for a threesome and enjoys it for some reason. Tragically for the swingers (read: fuckboys who don’t want to be monogamous but don’t have the balls to dump their GF) of the world, unicorns are way, way less common than porn would have you think. Which is precisely why they’re called “unicorns” and not “people in the bread aisle of your local grocery store”.
6. Tossing Salad
Once again, we have Nicki Minaj to thank for bringing this phrase to everyone’s attention. Tossing salad (like his name’s Romaine) is literally just going down on someone’s asshole. If you ever heard of The Human Centipede, it’s basically the sex version of that. If Queen Nicki’s into it, I guess it must be fun somehow even if it sounds like the fastest way to get e. coli and end up in the hospital. I’d rather just go to Chipotle.
7. Eskimo Sisters
We did an entire guide to the concept of Eskimo sisters, but if you’re crunched for time, here’s the short version. Eskimo sisters are two women who’ve had sex with the same person, AKA the #1 reason for failed friendships. (#2 is posting an Instagram where one person looks fat.) It’s a complicated, yet sacred relationship in any small social circle, but if you manage to navigate the awkwardness at first, it’s no biggie. Prominent eskimo sisters in pop culture include Jennifer Aniston and Angelina Jolie (and possibly Marion Cotillard), Kristen Doute and Ariana Madix, and all the girls who make it to the fantasy suite on the same season of The Bachelor.
According to a bunch of scandalized articles written in 2014, bloodhounds are dudes who either don’t mind having sex with you while you’re on your period, or they’re actually into it. We would also call them “men”. The fact that “bloodhound” is even a term is proof we need feminism TBH. Unless your flow rivals the Red Sea, having sex on your period is not a big fucking deal, as we’ve previously established.
Because people are way too obsessed with how lesbians have sex, even straight people have heard of scissoring. Basically, it’s when two women rub their clits and/or lady bits together until someone comes or until they get bored. Most of the time, it’s more of a porn/male fantasy thing than an actual thing women do when they have sex, but I guess some lesbian couples actually like it. Maybe.
In case you missed the Broad City episode about it, pegging is when a woman wears a strap-on and fucks a man—yes, up the asshole. When a fuckboy tried to convince me to do anal (“pleaseeee? Just one time?”), I asked him if he would be willing to let me peg him, and that shut him down real quick. I’m just saying, nobody should expect their partner to take it up the ass unless they’re prepared to do the same.
Am I saying I feel like pegging is a win for feminism? Basically yes. The more you know.