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Welcome to week four of Bachelor in Paradise! This week was sort of a snooze for me, but that might just be because John Paul Jones got approximately 1.5 hours of speaking time last night and listening to him formulate a thought is equivalent to watching my fingernails grow. But, nevertheless, I persisted! (If you count drinking half a bottle of wine and fantasizing ways to get JPJ alone in a room with a pair of scissors “persisting”). Moving on! Last week, Demi and Kristian solidified their relationship, Grandpa Chris went on a date with Jen Sav, Katie cried, and, as Tayshia put it, Hannah and Dylan slept on a daybed for five years.

Which brings us back to this week. We open back in Paradise, and for once no one is bringing dishonor to their family name by crying on Wells’ barstool or describing in great detail the sexual acts they partook in during Stagecoach. Instead, the camera pans to all the happy couples. There’s Dylan napping with Hannah, Demi holding hands with Kristian, Caelynn straddling Dean in the pool, Clay running into the ocean to avoid Nicole’s singing, and Derek, who asks Clay and Nicole to put him out of his misery and bury him alive.

Look, I’ve said it once, I’ll say it again but I AM IN YOUR DMS HELLO good guys never finish first with this godforsaken franchise. You hate to see it.

Meanwhile, Kristina and Tayshia discuss their relationship statuses. They both aren’t that into their romantic prospects thus far: Tayshia with JPJ and Kristina with that sand dune. Kristina declares that Tayshia should just date Derek because, let’s face it, JPJ has that hair so he’ll be fine. Tayshia agrees so fast that it’s almost as if this storyline was preordained by production or something. It’s crazy!

Okay, I don’t think we’ve been giving Tayshia enough credit for how manipulative she can be. She tells JPJ that she wants to see other people but instead of just saying “I’d like to explore other connections” she asks HIM if HE is hoping to see another girl walk into Paradise. When he says he only wants to go on dates with her she tells him, “no really, it’s totally okay to go on other dates.” She’s Jedi mind tricking the f*ck out of him, and that’s something I’ve been trying to perfect with men my entire life. Then again, I guess I’m pretty good at it since every man I’ve ever dated has felt free to go out on dates with other women…

JPJ: You look like Beyoncé if Beyoncé had crazy eyes.
TAYSHIA: Thank you?

Another girl walks into Paradise and we are told that she’s from Colton’s season and that her name is Tanzania. Or something. Idk, I’m two glasses of wine deep. She says she was on the show for “two seconds” but production can’t even produce any video footage to back up this claim, so it seems suspicious to say the least. I would say she’s another paid actor invited on the show to stir up drama like “Christian” was, but production’s budget is not big enough to secure the talent that is Tahzjuan. Seriously, this girl is a star in the making. Mark my words.

She asks JPJ on a date straight away. I guess when she pictures her future husband she pictures a guy who brings his fraternity paddle into the bedroom. Got it. JPJ, even though he doesn’t want to go on this date at all and is absolutely still interested in and loyal to Tayshia, takes this as an opportunity to shave his entire body before heading out. He’s like “I don’t want to go on this date, but if Tayshia wants me to, then f*ck it!” and then proceeds to shave his balls on national television. He takes the term “taking one for the team” to the next level.

This date is so painful to watch, I swear to god. They both have nothing to say to each other so they just maniacally giggle until the intern refills their drinks. JPJ gets so drunk during the meal he confuses the date food with something actually edible instead of the half-priced gag gift ABC got from Spencer’s. JPJ dry heaves no less than 6 times, but by now we know that’s just his foreplay. And then, of course, there’s this horrifying exchange of conversation:

JPJ: Your name is so interesting, what country is it from?
TAHZJUAN: Well my dad’s name is Juan, so Mexico I guess.
JPJ: But you’re.. *whispers* black…?

John Paul Jones! You can’t just ask someone why they’re black! God, Karen!

Back at the beach, the rest of the couples and Derek are playing a game of truth or dare. I remember my first boy-girl party too. So cute! Someone asks Sydney who the worst person she ever kissed was and she says Colton. The rest of the women from Colton’s season collectively agree that he was a terrible kisser. I’m sorry, but is this supposed to shock us? This is the same man who told us he had never seen a ladie’s bathing suit parts before and asked Chris Harrison if it hurts during the guy’s first time too. I’m not surprised he has no idea what to do with that tongue.

Meanwhile, Caelynn cannot stop gushing about how great Dean is, as Wells and Demi exchange horrified expressions. She’s like, “I love vans, they’re my favorite! Vans have running water though, right? And WiFi? And, like, a permanent address for all my FabFitFun and Revolve partnership packages?”

CAELYNN: Dean is definitely going to propose at the end of this!
DEMI & WELLS:

Wells and Demi proceed to give Caelynn the intervention she did not ask for. They tell her that she needs to be real with Dean about wanting an actual relationship because they don’t think he’s as serious about her. I love that Wells is like, “he’s my friend but he’s a piece of sh*t, you know?” Boy, do we know, Wells! Also, I can’t believe that Caelynn needed a girl who can still fit into Limited Too’s spring line and a wannabe bartender to tell her that a man who lives in his van is probably not ready for anything serious.

Caelynn asks Dean what his intentions are, and he looks at her like he thought he made that clear when he mentioned needing a shower on their first date. At least he’s honest!

DEAN: I want a girlfriend but, like, not for the nine months that I want to take off in my van you know?

NOT DURING THE 9 MONTHS I WANT TO TAKE OFF IN MY VAN. Caelynn, girlfriend, I don’t even like you that much but I know you’re better than this MY GOD.

Listening to Dean describe what kind of relationship he wants is making my blood boil. Caelynn asks for commitment and he says, “you’ll have to convince me first.” Right away the power dynamic shifts in his favor, and it’s f*cked up. I’ve dated guys like this before, the ones who would like to still hook up, but not commit to you beyond what’s convenient for them. So they tell you that, but in a way that makes it sound like they *could* change their minds should the right blow job relationship come along. It’s this line of reasoning that let’s f*ckboys sleep through the night while we spend $200 an hour making our therapist watch us cry. Sorry, Joan! You’re a real one, girl!

Also, does Dean forget that he was top FOUR on Rachel’s season of The Bachelorette, a show where you PROPOSE at the end of it? Like, why even come on Paradise if you can’t even pretend like you might consider settling down? I know he needed those rolls of toilet paper production promised him for his van, but damn.

Meanwhile, one half of Bachelor Nation’s Hot Twins walks into Paradise next. I love that Tahzjuan thinks that twins can’t exist apart from each other. She’s like, “but… her sister isn’t here, so how does that work?” I get what she’s saying, though. How can you be a Professional Twin if there’s just one of you? Instead of being one half of a dynamic comedic duo, she’s just a former Vegas cocktail waitress with a limited vocabulary and great eyelash extensions.

Hot Twin asks JPJ on a date because she says he seems like the most “husband material” out of all the guys, and I’m sincerely concerned about what these girls deem acceptable behavior for husbands.

As Hot Twin and JPJ walk off into the sunset, Tahzjuan licks her wounds by getting hammered by herself and drunk eating spaghetti in the pool. Look, I know eating noodles in the pool should be illegal and a lot of people will come for Tahzjuan’s, er, erratic behavior, but y’all, I’m LIVING for this bitch. As the designated Single Girl in my friend group, my friends are always asking me to sign up for a Bachelor casting call and I always tell them I can’t because I don’t have a good TV personality, when what I really mean is that I would act like Tahzjuan.

In fact, her behavior is right on point with mine after day drinking for 8 hours. Splashing that drink around, complaining about being hot, crying every time she sees a happy couple. It’s like looking in a mirror.

TAHZJUAN: I’m really glad you showed up Haley! Also, I would like to spit in your drink!
ALSO TAHZJUAN:

The Rose Ceremony

Chris starts off the cocktail party by giving one of his signature pep talks. He’s like, “for those of you in relationships, drink up! For those of you still single and pathetic, Idk! I gotta get back to my mojito.” Wow, that was inspired.

Caitlin takes this pep talk to heart by trying to seduce Blake with her very own makeshift Stagecoach set-up. Honey, I don’t think it was so much the Stagecoach atmosphere as it was the amount of drugs and alcohol that I’m sure was flowing when he made the decision to bang two girls in 24 hours, but okay.

Kristina has other plans in mind. Since the most action she’s gotten all season is from the camera man fixing her mic, she’s in trouble this rose ceremony and wants Blake to give her a “friendship rose.”

KRISTINA: I want Blake to find love and that’s why I kept him here, but not if it means I’ll be kicked off this free Mexican vacation, ya feel me?

JPJ says he’s going to have a very tough decision at the rose ceremony. On the one hand, he has a girl whose name he couldn’t pronounce to save his life, and on the other hand, he has Hot Twin, who apparently “looks like a movie star and has the intelligence of a doctor.” That feels like a stretch. This is the same girl who knows that pigeons and seagulls are different somehow but couldn’t tell you exactly how they are different except that one is “from the sea” and one is “from the earth.”

As JPJ struggles with his decision, Caelynn continues plan out her future in Dean’s van. She wants his rose but she can’t be sure he’ll give it to her because even though she’s spent every waking moment with him for the last two weeks, he’s still Dean.

OMG. It’s Caelynn’s bday?! Dean says he’ll be right back, and if he comes back with a cake I’m f*cking done. For those of you who don’t remember, the commissioning of a cake for a girl’s birthday is sort of like his big move in Paradise. He did this last time he was on Paradise for D-Lo when he was still hooking up with Kristina, which drove Kristina to say that her time in the Russian orphanage was preferable to her time in Mexico.

HE CAME BACK WITH A CAKE. I’m dead. If I’m having PTSD with this, then Kristina must be rocking in a corner somewhere. Kristina, blink once if you’re good, twice if you want me to report his van for expired tags!

We haven’t seen much of the Katie/Chris/Jen love triangle that was introduced to us last episode, but apparently it is still going on. I only know this because Katie pulls Chris aside during the last seven minutes of this episode to declare her feelings for him. Jen has still spoken zero words. I can’t even be sure she has working vocal chords or if she communicates purely through blank stares and subtle shifts in her eyebrows.

Moving on to the rose ceremony. Chris starts things off by speaking again and this is truly the most dramatic season ever because this is the second time tonight he’s spoken words to the contestants. He says that Demi gets to give out a rose because apparently there are no rules here anymore! Rose ceremonies are basically the equivalent of a fifth and cups mixer—so long as you have someone willing to metaphorically handcuff themselves to you while you finish a fifth of tequila then you’re good to stay.

The rose ceremony goes as such:

• Demi picks Kristian

• Dylan picks Hannah

• Clay picks Nicole

• Mike picks Sydney

• Dean picks Caelynn

• Blake picks Kristina

• Derek picks Tayshia

• JPJ picks Haley

• Chris picks Katie

The episode ends with Dean realizing that by handing out his rose to Caelynn he may have signaled to her that he’s willing to be monogamous for more than 12 days.

 

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The moment Dean realized he fucked up by giving Caelynn his rose. #blackbachelornation #thebachelor #thebachelorette #bachelorabc #abc #bachelornation #bachelorinparadise #bip #bachelorette

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HAHA. The look of sheer horror in those eyes. I can’t. Dean tells Caelynn they need to talk. Just by his tone, she knows that she’s about to get dumped. Caelynn lets out a half-hearted “but it’s my birthday you can’t break up with me!” and it’s like girlfriend, I’ve been dumped on my birthday, Christmas Eve, and Labor Day Weekend. Nothing is sacred to these people!

And on that note, I’m out, kids. See you betches tonight!

Images: Giphy (6); ABC (1); @blackbachelornation /Instagram (1)

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Hello, Bachelor Nation! Welcome to week two, night two of Bachelor in Paradise, the night no one asked for, no one needed, and no one has time for, but ABC has shoved down our throats anyway! How did we get so lucky? For those of you who watch BiP while also skimming Instagram, trolling celebrities on Twitter, and attempting to solve the JonBenet Ramsey case (just me?) let me briefly recap Monday night’s episode. The self-proclaimed “Mayor of Paradise” returned and no one really wanted to go on a date with him, Hannah G continued to rip Dylan’s soul into little pieces and eat them for breakfast, and Caelynn and Mike went on a date where they did nothing but look at each other with deranged smiles. Onward!

We begin this episode with JPJ passed out in the pool and it’s full on daytime. So I guess Wells is serving tequila with everyone’s cheerios. Good to know where we’re at.

At the bar, Demi is having Derek smell her armpits, and asking him to answer the number one question in my BiP group chat, “How bad do the people on Paradise smell?” According to Derek, not that bad. Now I know Derek is a liar and not to be trusted.

Everyone keeps saying that Demi and Derek are this perfect couple, but apparently she isn’t sure how she is feeling about him. Demi is stressing about telling him that she had been dating a woman back home, so naturally she goes to Katie, the woman who was sobbing last night because Wills told said he liked her, for advice. I’m sure this will work out well.

Demi tells Katie that she’s worried about what people will think about her dating history, and that she only just told her parents before she left. Okay, understandable. But also, Demi, should you be going on this show if you’re dating someone at home? Don’t we know a few people who got skewered for this lately? You know right now Jed is hiding away in some hole in Nashville furiously scribbling a sh*tty chorus and crooning, “Why didn’t she get in trouble too, if it happened to me it should happen to you” (Now available on all streaming platforms, obviously).

She should have smashed that guitar.

Meanwhile, Kevin is walking around asking why everyone likes Blake when he’s not even that good looking. GREAT QUESTION, SIR. You can sit with us, Kevin.

The girls get together and start sh*t talking Hannah G, and I’ve been wondering when the women would start to realize that little miss innocent over here was actually just a life-size doll commissioned by ABC execs, designed to every man’s dream measurements, and intended to f*ck up all the women’s good times.

Dylan, like the sad sad soul he is, decides to approach Hannah to find out what’s going on between her and Blake. Because I guess the BDSM madam that usually beats the sh*t out of him wasn’t available today, and he was really in the mood to feel pain.

Hannah tells Dylan that she is just trying to remain “open.” I hope you all have been taking shots every time she says open, that way we can be blackout by the end of this thing.

Dylan says that he feels like he “doesn’t know something,” and I’m sure he doesn’t feel that way at all because a producer told him too. Also, Dylan, you’re a sweetheart, but there are a lot of things you don’t know, including how to tell if a girl is that into you, when you should just cut your losses, and, let’s be honest, probably learn how to read.

Hannah comes clean and says that a week before Paradise, Blake flew to Birmingham and they made out. And with this information, Hannah finally completes the dementor’s kiss on Dylan and sucks all of his soul out of his body. He is now just the shell of a man with an ill-advised chest tattoo. Sad.

Back at the table, Blake is also telling some of the girls that he flew to Birmingham to see Hannah. Sydney, Tayshia, and Nicole are pissed. How dare Hannah not tell them! She slept in the same room with them for a brief time on a reality tv show! She owes them!

Tayshia decides to approach Hannah, and is so sweet about it: “Hey cutie! Do you have a second for me to emotionally ruin you?”

First, Tayshia makes sure that Hannah knows that she didn’t even want Blake in the first place so SHE dumped HIM, he didn’t dump HER, okay. Everyone got that? Tayshia was the dumper, not the dumpee. Put it on her gravestone. Now that that’s cleared up, Hannah tells Tayshia that Blake coming to Birmingham was private and she didn’t want to reveal anything that was his personal business. That’s how he got the other’s to keep quiet too, Hannah.

Hannah also says that she is going to “respect anyone who is going into this being open,” referring to Blake. Look, I know Chris Harrison is only contractually obligated to appear on 120 seconds of this sh*t storm, but I think it is incredibly important that he spend at least five of those seconds smacking Hannah in the face with a thesaurus.

Do we think it’s a little weird that everyone is so mad that Hannah is into Blake? Yeah, he is the human embodiment of a whole wheat noodle you cooked too long, but dating multiple people is the whole point of this show. It’s not called the Bachelor in the Convent for a reason, people. So, can’t we attack Hannah over something real, like the fact that she hasn’t been able to come up with one synonym for the word open? And yes, that was another joke about the word open, but the amount of jokes I’m writing about it are proportionate to the amount of times she says it, so if you want to blame anyone, blame Hannah, k?

Caelynn pretends to be concerned for Hannah and says that if she gives Blake her rose, next week a new shiny girl will walk down the beach and he will drop her immediately. I love that Caelynn is now lecturing people about this, when she 10000% did the same thing to Cam last week. I guess it takes a manipulator to know one.

OMG, Dean shows up and he looks like what my mother used to refer to throughout my whole childhood as a “drug rat.” He apparently lives in a van right now, has no job, no running water, and clearly no mirror. He claims to have learned a lot since the last time he was on Paradise, but I’m skeptical that he’s learned anything other than how to go 45 days without washing his hair. Somehow, the women are into it. I guess they’re less superficial than me *wink*.

Dean pulls a few girls to talk and one of them is Kristina, because he wants to show her what she’s definitely not missing.

Caelynn is sobbing over Kristina, or Blake, or the fact that she lost The Bachelorette to someone far superior, and now she’s forced to be on a beach full of losers (just guessing!), and Dean takes this as his cue to go talk to her. Men on The Bachelor franchise are to emotionally unstable women what Leo DiCaprio is to 18-year-old blondes. Moths to a flame. And dare I say, this seems just like something a dude that lives in his van would do.

Dean asks Caelynn on the date, and it makes Cam sad. Cam cries alone on a rock. On a bed. In a swing. It looks like ABC now stands for Always Be Crying.

Dean and Caelynn go on their date and she’s lucky he’s not buying, because now his first dates usually consist of foraging for food in the dumpster behind the local Chili’s. Last week he found half of a chicken crisper! Dean says he is ashamed of how he acted the last time he was on Paradise. I mean he really was kind of a sh*t, but at least he didn’t have that mustache. Caelynn tells him she’s been intrigued by him and his lifestyle. Go sleep in your car for one night Caelynn, you’ll get over it.

They jump into a pool and make out, and Dean seems confused because he thought this was going to be a bath. I’m sure that’s how production bribed him to be on this season. You give us your dignity, we’ll give you soap and running water! Seems fair!

Does anyone else feel like Caelynn is doing this to get back at Kristina? She was JUST crying over how mad she was at Kristina, and now she’s wearing a deep-v swimsuit and grinding up on Kristina’s ex. Coincidence?

Demi continues her “I’m sexually fluid” world tour, and her next stop is with Tayshia. I’m not sure Tayshia understands what Demi is telling her though, because she asks Demi if she can just date Derek and the other girl. Tayshia, honey, that’s polyamory, not bisexuality. Or, I guess, it’s just The Bachelor. Never mind.

Paradise is interrupted when a stranger walks in that no one has ever seen before. He claims his name is “Christian,” and claims that he was on Becca’s season, and so if we’re all cool with making sh*t up then I claim I am Liam Hemsworth’s next wife.

Nicole thinks “Christian” is sexy, and I think she is going to be disappointed when she finds out he is a rando that producers dragged off the street to drum up some non-Blake related drama. And where is Chris Harrison? Too busy having a cocktail to man the door? On one of Jorge’s Torgues?

Clay says he is worried that Nicole will like “Christian”. I’m sorry, but I can’t with Clay’s voice. If I closed my eyes I would think he was a nerdy teenager who writes Harry Potter fan fiction and is wondering when his mom will finally be done microwaving his Totino’s pizza rolls.

“Christian” asks Nicole on the date and she agrees. Tayshia is clearly so mad that no guys are into her this season. She comments before they leave that Nicole went from having no one-on-ones to having three. Alright, Tayshia. All the flavors in the world and you choose to be salty?

On their date, Nicole and “Christian” go jet skiing and then lounge on the beach.

NICOLE: If you play your cards right maybe I’ll let you take me out to dinner
CHRISTIAN:

When Nicole comes back, she’s fielding questions from everyone. I swear the girl suddenly has some options and now she thinks she’s Beyoncé. Sydney grabs her, and Nicole tells her that “Christian” is hot and “he makes everything sexual.” And now I wish I was dead. And it looks like Syd does too.

Clay pulls Nicole aside, and Nicole tells him she wants him to be more assertive. “Christian” interrupts their cuddle session and says he “wants to finish off his date.”Does he mean sexually? I know he’s feigning a language barrier, but have some subtlety! Also, now I know for sure he was never on this show, because he doesn’t understand how dates work. It’s over, bro.

Clay is nicer than I am, so he tries to explain to “Christian” that once they returned to the house the date ended, but “Christian” will not listen. This confrontation leaves Clay with the shakes. If a little back-and-forth with a Z-list actor the producers hired to rile people up leaves Clay this disturbed, it’s no wonder he didn’t make it in football. They don’t just yell at you in that sport, they hit you until you sustain irreparable brain damage! It’s best that’s over for him now.

And we’ve made it to a rose ceremony! I am shook they didn’t make us wait until next week.

Chris Harrison is forced to leave his latest golf game to explain to the contestants how many of them will go home this week. He is very mad that they dragged him away from the 16th hole and his fifth margarita just because no one else could do simple math.

During the cocktail party, Demi pulls Derek aside because she wants to explain what’s up with her. She tells him that the reason she has been evading his questions is because she has been casually dating a woman and she has been worried about it, and she says she’s still very much interested in him.

DEMI: How do you feel about this
DEREK:

She says it could not have gone better and so maybe we didn’t watch the same thing, but hey, as long as she feels good, I feel good.

Elsewhere, Caelynn is asking the hard questions, like where does Dean shower? Dean replies, “here, there, everywhere.” THAT SOUNDS SUSPICIOUSLY VAGUE, DEAN.

Oh GOD JPJ wrote Tayshia a poem. Why do guys think women want to hear their sh*tty acrostics? All I want are Reese’s peanut butter cups and for someone to tell me I’m pretty. No rhyming necessary.

WAIT. JPJ did not even write this poem! He is just repeating something he read in the Spark Notes for Romeo and Juliet during freshman year. Clearly he was drunk the entire time, because this recitation is atrocious.

Tayshia is so impressed by this that she calls him an intellectual, and I would like to know where she got the evidence to support that? Because all I have seen tonight is JPJ laying under two giant pillows, and failing to remember the most widely quoted Shakespeare passage of all time.

^^a real Einstein

“Christian” pulls Nicole aside to feed her chocolate-covered strawberries and hit a piñata or something? I swear, if there are peanut butter cups in there I will take back every bad thing I said about this man.

Clay is watching them wistfully, while everyone encourages him to go over there and beat “Christian” up. He decides to do it, and I love how everyone keeps telling Clay, “BE MORE AGGRESSIVE,” so he approaches his rival and immediately compliments the lovely set-up “Christian” has going on there. Sweet, sweet Clay. You’re physically 6’4” and mentally 5’0”, aren’t you, honey?

After complimenting “Christian,” Clay asks if he can talk to Nicole for a minute. It’s weird and unsuccessful. He tells her to have fun, but not too much. I think that would be a threat from anyone else, but I’m pretty sure Clay is just being genuine.

Clay then immediately returns to gossip with the Mayor of Paradise and the Walmart Brand Odell Beckham, Jr., and they are not having it. They wanted to see a fight! So, Jordan decides to start one himself.

He proceeds to walk over to “Christian” and Nicole’s date, rip down the piñata, and start some sh*t. They begin to fight over the pinata, and never in my wildest dreams did I think while I was working my little fingers to the bone to get my English degree that I’d have to write about two manscaped reality stars fighting over a children’s birthday party decoration but THIS IS WHERE WE ARE NOW. And with that, I’ll catch you all next week, when I can hopefully write about tickle fights!

Images: clayharbs82 / Instagram; Giphy (5)

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July is a f*cking exciting month. Not only do we have America’s Independence Day AKA a day where every Insta thot somehow gets a free pass to post in an American flag bikini. You know, in honor of our country’s independence. It’s beautiful, really. But anyways, for all my fellow Stranger Things fans out there we FINALLY get the long awaited season 3, which is fantastic news for my Sunday scaries. Like, it’s hard to be caught up in my anxiety from my black out the night before when I’m watching people run for their lives from Demogorgons. Like okay, guess drunk calling my ex 37 times really wasn’t that bad, right? Right, RIGHT????? I’m fine, everything’s fine.

Movies

‘The Break-Up’

I love this classic rom-com, and am so pumped it’s coming to my go-to streaming service this month. I mean, Jennifer Aniston and Vince Vaughn, that’s a hilarious duo I could watch on repeat. It’s not super cheesy and not too deep, so it’s a great light watch this summer. Just like that f*ckboy told you, it’s summer, no need to get too serious.

‘The Hangover’

The original classic (and hands-down best of the series) finally comes to Netflix this July. It’s probably one of the most quotable, universally-loved movies of all time, so it’s an easy go-to crowd favorite. Especially if you have any Vegas trips coming up this summer, it’s perfect to watch to get amped up for your own drunk escapades.

‘Taxi Driver’

People are obsessed with this movie, and with good reason. It perfectly captures New York City life in the ‘70s (or at least how I’d imagine it), directed by Martin Scorsese and with star performances by Robert de Niro and Jodie Foster. Oh, and not to be basic but like, “You talkin’ to me???” Sorry, had to.

‘Caddyshack’

I know all the men in my life are PUMPED for the original and its sequel to come to Netflix this July. Like, I don’t think there’s a movie I’ve seen my dad watch repeatedly the way he does with this one. Tbh, I personally have never actually seen the full thing, but I’ve seen enough clips here and there to get the vibe. And heck, maybe I’ll actually sit down and watch the full thing now that it will be easily available on Netflix this summer!

‘Inglourious Basterds’

This is another one that I know the men in my life are going to be excited about. Again, not necessarily going to be up next in my personal Netflix queue, but good to know it’s coming in July so I can flip it on for my boyfriend when he’s being whiny and hungover. Good looks Netflix, hopefully he falls asleep watching it so I can ditch him to go meet up with the rest of my friends out day drinking.

TV Shows

‘Stranger Things’: Season 3

I’ve never been one for sci-fi, which should come as no surprise given my favorite shows are Vanderpump Rules and The Bachelor. But I am HOOKED on Stranger Things and am so excited about its return. It’s also a nice reprieve for my boyfriend since it’s something we both enjoy, and he’s not stuck watching Bravo 24/7. Although, he won’t admit it to you, but he secretly is a Bravo stan. Just don’t tell him I told you all that.

‘Queer Eye’: Season 4

Everyone’s fave group of guys is back for season four. They’re back just in time to not only make the lives of many struggling people out there better, but also our lives as well, with an all new season. I can’t wait to get a whole new batch of life advice from Karamo and beauty tutorials from Johnathan. My therapist knows I need all the life guidance I can get, so she’ll be glad it’s back too.

‘Orange Is The New Black’: Season 7

I actually forgot about this show, and am currently probs behind already by like two seasons. However, I’m still thrilled we’re getting a season seven because I’m always searching for more shows to binge, and it’s comforting to know that I’ll actually have three seasons worth to plow through before I’m forced back on the search.

‘Designated Survivor’

My parents are obsessed with this show, but don’t let their old people tastes deter you! It’s a fantastic show, and actually moved from ABC to Netflix after its second season, but is still going strong. It’s definitely worth getting into, plus since it’s like, at least a political drama, it feels like less mind-numbing TV than my usually preferred drama reality shows. 

‘Comedians In Cars Getting Coffee’

The original web series directed and hosted by Jerry Seinfeld comes to Netflix for another season this month. The show has a simple and kinda odd format, but trust me, it works. It’s basically just Jerry Seinfeld and another comedian shooting the sh*t in different cars, in an authentic and effortless way. It’s a good time.

So there you have it, five shows and five movies to get your binging started this month. Of course, please leave your couch or bed at some point to go catch some summer rays. But then again like, you don’t want wrinkles so like…maybe just stick with that as your excuse. No one can argue with you on that!

Images: @jeshoots / Unsplash; GIPHY (4)

Sponsored by SkinnyPop

This week on The Bachelorette, we’re welcomed back to Latvia, where apparently the men heard “European adventure” and thought “yes, I must pack my spring scarf.” Never mind that production chose to showcase the country’s beauty with drab shots of gnarled trees limbs and dead grass that could easily have been filmed in upstate New York in the dead of winter, but sure, bring out those pastels, boys! Tbh I’d rather see an hour of footage that includes these scarves than watch one more minute of Hannah and Chris Harrison’s impromptu therapy session like we endured last week. And we did ENDURE if the twitch that I developed in my left eye is any indication.

Garrett’s One-On-One Date

Garrett gets the first one-on-one date of the week, and Luke declares that this is the first time he’s ever been “legitimately jealous” of another contestant. Lol. What were all the other times, then? Certainly not thinly veiled ploys to get painted as this season’s villain to have a greater chance at getting cast on Paradise. NEVER!!

As Garrett and Hannah stroll through woods, they happen upon a naked couple falling from the sky! I’m sorry, I didn’t realize this was going to be a crossover with VH1’s Dating Naked. An interesting PR stunt for sure, but fine, I’ll hear them out.

For their date, they have to bungee jump from a cable car naked and tied together. We’re told that this is something “the Latvians do” as if this is some time honored tradition embedded in the country’s DNA, and not something the local youths do while on drugs (I assume). This would be like if Latvians came to Panama City Beach and said “guess I’ll have to start a fight with a guy named TadPole and spend a night in the drunk tank because that’s what Americans do!!”

GARRETT: This is the stuff of my nightmares.

You and me both, buddy. You and me both.

Do we think he’s nervous that she’ll think his dick is small? It’s got to be shriveled up in those conditions. It is snowing out, for god’s sake! But what if he’s turned on and starts poking her with it?? There’s no winning in nude bungee jumping, that’s for sure.

Why is she praying before she jumps off this thing? This isn’t Fear Factor, Hannah. You can say no!! They keep telling each other to “be strong” and just “trust” each other and it’s, like, wtf are they trusting each other for? They better trust the man who built those bungee cords.

Post-nude bungee jumping, production gifts the couple with bathrobes and then forces them to squat by a nearly extinct fire and converse in the snowy elements. Perhaps I was wrong. Perhaps this is Fear Factor.

Hannah’s like “did you see that guy’s ding dong earlier??” and I love that she’s ignoring the fact that she saw Garrett’s ding dong all but five minutes ago. I can’t decide if she’s trying to be nice and not address the elephant penis in the room, or if there just genuinely isn’t much to talk about when it comes to Garrett’s ding dong.

 

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Jumpin all in tonight on @bacheloretteabc ?#thebachelorette #bts #bachelorinsider

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Moving on to the cocktail portion of the evening. Hannah tries to turn their entire nude experience together into a metaphor for falling in love, which is exactly how I tried to explain away losing my virginity freshman year of college during the middle of a frat party.

I guess Garrett is feeling pretty bad for playing the part of Petty Patricia at the rose ceremony last week when he started some unnecessary sh*t with Luke, because he decides to be more vulnerable with her and share the darkest moment in his life: quitting football. Lol is this a f*cking joke? This man has never known true struggle. I’m sorry, Garrett, but talking about how you quit your high school football team to try your hand at golfing is not so much baring your soul as it is listing hobbies and facts about yourself that Hannah could discover by reading your IG bio.

The Group Date

Meanwhile, back at the house, Garrett humble-brags about getting naked with Hannah his authentic Latvian experience and Luke is PISSED. You can practically see the steam coming out of his ears. It’s as if he’s just now realizing that his girlfriend is actually dating nine other men. Wild.

Okay, I’m noticing several themes about Hannah’s group dates. One, that there are always some sort of shots involved, and two, that production can’t be bothered to come up with any sort of plan or itinerary, it’s just a free-for-all of debauchery. This group date is no different. Hannah takes the men to a Latvian market, which they promptly turn into their own drunken playground. They start off with shots of moonshine and then things quickly spiral out of control with Hannah in full tyrant mode banging on counters and demanding she be fed cheese. Iconic.

Hannah starts telling the men about the nude bungee jumping fully immersing herself in Latvian culture, and you can see Luke beseeching to Jesus for guidance on how to murder Garrett and get away with it.

“Her body is her temple and she shouldn’t bare it to strangers” is something a guy who has most definitely taken a body shot off of a drunken woman in a bar before would say. And you know, I sort of see where he’s coming from here. It is a little disgusting to see someone use their sexuality to manipulate people and get ahead…

Oh, right but I guess it’s only okay to do that if you’re a guy trying to get laid. Got it.

You guys I am LIVING for this silver slitted dress Hannah has on right now. Though if we thought this would deter her from straddling Tyler in the middle of the goddamn cocktail party, I guess we were wrong. You do you, boo boo.

 

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Looking lovely in Latvia! ? #TheBachelorette

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Jesus Christ WE GET IT, JED, we should all go download your songs off iTunes. Now, can you at least pretend to be into Hannah? If I have to listen to one more mediocre song out of this Gavin DeGraw wannabe I’m going to lose my freaking mind.

Once again, Luke expresses to the other guys his discontent with Hannah for doing something without his permission and Tyler, bless him, is the first to shut that sh*t down. He’s like, “I respect her decisions because she’s a grown-ass woman and we all should too.” And it’s like, is Tyler a feminist? FROM FLORIDA?? I am shooketh to my core and thinking I might need to reevaluate my stance on people who come out of the state of Florida. Does this mean @SweetestBetch and I will need to stop claiming all Floridians crawled out of a garbage can and headed straight to an MTV set? Nahhhhhhhhhhh it’s still funny.

Luke finally gets some alone time with Hannah and he uses it to slut shame her into submission. You guys, this conversation is truly triggering to watch. How Hannah can stomach to listen to this guy for more than five seconds is beyond me.

LUKE: I’ll always support you even if you make boneheaded decisions that make me want to put a tracking app on your phone. You’re making me feel that way. Me. Me. Me. ME.

Okay, he just called her decision to jump naked a “boneheaded mistake” and that is not sitting well with me. But what if she doesn’t regret it, Lukie? Hmm? What if, gasp, she actually enjoyed getting naked in public and freefalling from a great distance? How is that going to fit into your preconceived notions of what it means to be a “good girl”? Because, just so you know, girls can be promiscuous and good with God. Just saying.

Tyler gets the group date rose and Luke seems genuinely shocked that his sexist chastising didn’t get him the rose. In his defense, it probably always works on all the girls who slide into his DMs.

Peter’s One-On-One Date

Peter gets the second one-on-one date of the week and Hannah takes him to a sacred Latvian Mud Hut. Peter is like, “I’ve never heard of this place before” which is funny because last episode he was giving us an intricate geography lesson and now he’s acting like he’s never heard of Latvia before. I guess this part of the country looks a lot different from the layover bars where you pick up lonely women in between flights, huh, Peter?

Lol. Do we think the Latvians are pranking them rn? Like, “look at these Americans letting us slap them with bushes mwahahaha!”

After they finish using the foliage to reenact a scene from 50 Shades, the Lavians take them to a bathhouse to “sweat it out.” It’s unclear for what purpose other than to push the boundaries of soft-core porn on prime time cable.

HANNAH: We burned it down with our fire teehee
ME:

You guys, Peter is VERY attractive to me but I’m starting to think he’s lying about being a pilot. The only pilots I’ve ever encountered on a flight are old guys who make dad jokes over the intercom while I’m trying to sleep. God, I’ve got to stop flying United.

He tells Hannah how hard it’s been for him to be vulnerable on the show, and then he tells that to her that IN SPANISH. You guys, I’m dripping. He is really busting out all the moves tonight and it is WORKING for me!! This might be the hottest thing I’ve seen all week and I’m including watching Shawn Mendes’ muscles in that “Seniorita” video.

Back At The Hotel

Jed declares that he’s overcome with jealousy and intends to go serenade Hannah before the rose ceremony. He just misses her that much, and I’m sure it has nothing to do with the fact that no one has viewed the music video he made on GarageBand and posted to YouTube just before going on this show. Nothing at all.

JED: *serenades Hannah with a “Jed Wyatt Original”*
ME: *whispers under breath* He probs wrote this song for his girlfriend.

Well, Hannah certainly likes to be on top, doesn’t she? After singing his favorite songs off his forthcoming album (which I’m sure conveniently drops during the finale episode), they start doing some heavy petting in the bed and I can’t help but picture Jed’s girlfriend back home, probably a bottle of wine deep and watching the show with the one girlfriend she confided her situation to in, and adamantly swearing that it’s all “just acting.” Oh, sweetie.

JED: I really am falling in love with you.
ME: 

Meanwhile, Garrett is back on his bullsh*t and stirring up drama for no apparent reason. Look, I hate Luke with every fiber of my being, but doesn’t he understand that being the sh*t stirrer is just, like, a bad look in general? Let Luke stay in his lane and drive straight off the cliff he’s accelerating at full force towards!!

Hannah drags Luke to talk to him ONCE AGAIN about his controlling and toxic traits, and it’s getting very old. Here’s my hot take on the situation: during that episode where Hannah gets him shirtless and then he comes to find her after the rose ceremony their connection was palpable. I remember watching the episode and thinking “they seem like they’ve known each other forever” and I think Hannah is hanging onto that feeling for all it’s worth. I mean, do I think she’s acting like an idiot? For sure. But she’s also being held hostage by ABC and is only allowed to talk to these select few men, most of whom are garbage, so I could see how she might be confused and stupid.

LUKE: I will never control you or tell you what to do with your body.
ALSO LUKE: It’s not that you’re a slut, you just act slutty sometimes.

Every valid point Hannah brings up, Luke immediately refutes by saying she’s “twisting his words” even though these are words that just came out of his own goddamn mouth. He’s like “I’m doing my best even though my best is dog sh*t.” And the worst part about is that Hannah looks like she’s going to accept this as an apology. SMDH.

If I have to hear the phrase “stay in your lane” one more time one more goddamn time, I will f*cking scream.

Final Rose Cut: Dylan and Dustin both go home this week, which makes sense because I genuinely cannot name one single characteristic about either of them except that the one guy has a nose ring and the other one does not.

Post-rose ceremony, Chris Harrison is like “Jesus Christ. Luke again? Really?” and Hannah says something to the effect of: “I’m either falling in love with him or he’s going to send me to an early grave.” YEAH, HIM AND EVERY OTHER MAN IN THIS WORLD.

Guess we’ll have to wait until next week to see if it’s love or just Stockholm Syndrome. My money is on the latter! Adios, betchachos!

Images: Giphy (6); @bachelorinsider /Instagram (1); @bacheloretteabc /Instragram (1); ABC (1)

Before SkinnyPop, we were forced to either stop ourselves from eating a whole bag of popcorn or live with the fattening consequences. Thanks to science and, apparently, a lot of people’s desire to sit with an entire bag of one snack, finish it, then have enough spare calories to eat something else (proud to be an American), SkinnyPop has been gifted to us. Praise be.

I, and many others, will, however, judge you for the flavor of SkinnyPop you love and stock in your kitchen/desk/purse/car. Not all flavors are created equal, and you may need some guidance when it comes to this culinary and snacking masterpiece.

Here is our definitive ranking of SkinnyPop flavors as dictated by me.

1. Aged White Cheddar

Buy this. Now.

I’m not even going to rank the old, shitty, dairy free white cheddar SkinnyPop because a) why would you buy it when you can get one with real cheese and b) this one is like, infinitely better. At what time in your life were you ever able to eat something with real cheese that’ll only clock you in at 47 calories per cup? Fucking never. Take this real cheese dusted popcorn for what it is—a miracle—and fucking enjoy.

2. Pepper Jack

New and decent.

This newish flavor is equally important since it, too, uses real fucking cheese and I can still eat two bags of it (alone) without feeling THAT bad about myself. This makes it v important in the world of food and as a staple in my pantry.

3. Jalapeño

Spicy and probs a weight loss friend. Idk tho.

Why eat spicy shit? Cause it totes revs your metabolism and makes you probs skinnier in the process. So, according to science I semi made up for the sake of this article, combining SkinnyPop and jalapeño equals an ultimate diet food that I can eat as a meal replacement pretty much forever. So blessed, so moved. This one doesn’t involve cheese, so it falls to the third spot. But, remember, even if you’re third in the Olympics, you still get a medal.

4. Dusted Dark Chocolate

Chocolate sans guilt.

When you’re PMSing but feel fat but need chocolate or something that reminds you of chocolate you once had, this flavor is for you. It falls to the fourth spot because, well, it isn’t fucking real chocolate that’s only weighing in at 43 calories per cup. If it was, it probs would have snagged the No. 1 spot and accomplished world peace. This one also isn’t THAT sweet—it’s more like a cocoa dusted salted popcorn thing happened. Which, like, fine.

5. Naturally Sweet

yay, sugar.

Meh. It reminds me of popcorn dusted in fake sugar. It’s an OG SkinnyPop flavor, so some respect is still deserved. But, overall, this popcorn is about as exciting as florals for spring. Clearly, the brave culinary minds at SkinnyPop headquarters realized their mistake with this flavor and gave us the dark chocolate one.

6. Sea Salt And Pepper

yawn.

If I wanted salt and pepper popcorn, I’d make it myself. Who eats this? Why wouldn’t you just get cheese? There’s no excitement here. This flavor makes it v obvious that I’m eating an air popped snack with like, no calories and, therefore, no flavor. On a positive note, my dog is really good at catching popcorn in his mouth and I think he enjoys this flavor. He also enjoys eating dead earth worms, but I’m not one to judge.

7. Original

respect for the OG.

It’s boring. Props to it being like, original. But it’s butter flavored, and fake butter at that. Plus, this one has a tendency to taste old and stale faster than the others—probs cause it doesn’t have shit like jalapeños or dark chocolate to cover the taste of boredom. But still, if it was in my pantry, I’d eat it. Does that say more about me or the SkinnyPop flavor? That’s not for me to determine.

Images: SkinnyPop (7)

Last night marked the beginning of the end, the premiere of the last season of Scandal. Can we please have a moment of silence for Olivia Pope and her incredible collection of winter white coats? **Pause** Thank you. Before I continue, how tf is Scandal ending before Grey’s Anatomy? Are you high, Shonda? Grey’s hasn’t been worth a shit since my junior prom, and Scandal is still amazing. Sigh… I should have gone into television. But back to the point. There’s only one good way to say goodbye to our favorite political DC betch: With her fave meal, aka popcorn and wine. Fucking duh. In preparation for the big farewell, we’ve done a wine pairing for all the SkinnyPop flavors, so you can avoid getting fat off movie theater butter and not look like a total wine newb, by mixing shit that doesn’t go together.

And if you’re wondering who made me wine goddess and how I even know what I’m talking about, I consulted with my friend who’s a level 2 sommelier, so this shit is legit.

1. White Cheddar + Cabernet

Before all you SkinnyPop aficionados @ me about how there’s aged white cheddar and regular white cheddar and which one goes with what, I’m putting them both here, because they’re basically the fucking same. A cab is rich and full-bodied and brings out the intense flavor of sharp cheddar, making it the perfect wine choice for all you cheesy popcorn lovers.

2. Jalapeño + Sauvignon Blanc

This pairing doesn’t just go for popcorn, you can pretty much use this with any type of green pepper-infused food. Sauvignon Blanc, specifically from New Zealand, has bright green pepper notes that complement the spicy jalapeño flavor.

3. Pepper Jack + Rosé

The newest popcorn to join the SkinnyPop fam, pepper jack is a perfect match for rosé. Because jack cheese is extremely mild, you’re going to want a light wine that doesn’t overpower it. Like the jalapeño/sav b combo, the brightness of rosé is great with the heat the peppers bring to the mix.

4. Original + Chardonnay

A buttery chardonnay with buttery original SkinnyPop? Groundbreaking.

5. Naturally Sweet + Riesling

At this point, you’re probs picking up on the idea that you match the flavor of the popcorn with the undertones of the wine. So the sugary Naturally Sweet variety is going to be best paired with a sweeter wine like Riesling. And no. Not a moscato, because that’s disgusting, and you’re better than that. You might as well put fucking Welch’s in a wine glass, if that’s your vino of choice.

6. Sea Salt & Pepper + Pinot Noir

Tbh, you can pretty much pair this with anything, because it’s just a little S&P. Nothing too crazy, flavor wise. But our profesh opinion is that if this is your go-to popcorn flavor, you pick up a nice pinot noir to wash it down. Pinots tend to have a peppery note to them that will enhance the, you guessed it, pepper.