Laying out on the beach every day is all you obviously have planned for this summer. You’ll turn into an exotic goddess and slowly become one with the ocean and all its inhabitants. It’s all fun and games until you look in the mirror and are horrified with the red, peeling thing staring back to you. It’s the fact that your skin is literally fried. It’s casual. Despite feeling disgusted with your body and all the weird shit it just has to do, you probably even feel some sort of satisfaction when you slowly peel it away as if saying yes, out with the old and in with the new. Well, since I know you still want to look 20 when you’re 50 without becoming the next Heidi Montag, I’ve rounded up the best skin products for this summer. I’m saving you from getting wrinkles because the day I find one, I will contemplate on throwing myself in front of a bus. And I’m not even kidding.
From sunburn relief to dark spot correctors, run to your nearest Sephora and spend a ridiculous amount of money (which is obviously nothing new) on things you actually need.
This is crucial to have after a day spent in the sun. This oil-free moisturizing balm is infused with aloe to ease any sunburn damage so you’re not wincing every time you blink. It restores your skin’s flexibility and prevents your skin from flaking like crazy.
This lifesaver hydrates your skin while protecting it at the same time from those pesky cancer-causing rays. This is the secret to looking young enough to still get randomly ID’d at the bar. This is a huge compliment, so take it while you fucking can.
If you feel and look like a boiling lobster by the time you leave the beach, this yogurt concoction will do wonders for your nasty burn. The ingredients will cool you down quicker than you can say, “I need a bottle of wine to the face.” It’s even better because it not only works for sunburns, but for any horrid skin irritation as well. Who knew Greek yogurt had so many fucking benefits? Apparently, also like yogurt, you can keep the gel in the fridge for best results. *Buys every Chobani the nearest grocery store has*
I’m just going to leave this here because if you don’t carry blotting paper with you on the reg by now, we can’t be friends.
If you are always the first one to get pit stains (there’s always one of you in the group), you should probably get like, a new deodorant or consider having your sweat glands removed because I can’t help you there. I will advise that you buy this miracle lotion if your face usually looks like a greaseball and is naturally the cause of death of your once-straightened hair. This helps control any unnecessary amount of oil you may have, prevents future breakouts, and leaves a refreshing matte finish. Maybe we can have nice things after all.
For those of you who may look like a shedding reptile in the heat, this literal bomb explodes a shit ton of creamy hydrating goodness on your skin. I’m serious—it’s intended to “burst” when you apply it. Ok, I realize this sounds worse and worse by the sentence, but you get the point. You can use before or with makeup if you plan on fooling everyone with your “totally natural” beach face.
I wasn’t always the hot, bad betch I am now. I honestly think I had my glow-up in the beginning of college and thank god, I did. There’s nothing that scares me more than thinking about what I looked like when I was 14. Puberty hit me like a fucking school bus from North Shore High School. I had such bad skin, I almost convinced myself that I could drop out of school and land a role as Freddy Krueger. Now that those godforsaken days are over, I religiously use this to brighten all my dark spots before I roast under the sun. This saved my life, and now, I’m saving yours and you know why? Because I’m a pusher.