In a good year, I might take three vacations, and at least one of them is to visit my parents. Shockingly, Kourtney Kardashian and I live very different lives. The eldest Kardashian sister has a passion for travel, and she’s really never not on vacation. Literally, Kourtney Kardashian went on vacation more than 10 times SINCE JANUARY alone, which I think is more than the amount of times I have received a pay check. *Takes deep, calming breaths* Anyway. Her Instagram feed is basically just a vacation blog at this point, because she’s only in LA for like one out of every 10 photos. Seriously, who takes care of her kids, and don’t say that it’s Scott and teenage step mommy Sofia Richie, because I don’t believe that for a second. They must have the best nannies in the world, and they should get a reality show please and thank you.
Since the start of 2018, Kourtney has gone on no less than 11 trips/vacations, totaling more than a month of total travel time. Kourtney Kardashian takes vacations like I take my birth control. Someone please give me a reality show ASAP, because I would love to be on vacation for 25% of my life. Some of her trips are with her boyfriend, Younes, and others are with her kids or her sisters, but sometimes it’s a complete mystery. Maybe she goes alone and just asks randos to take pictures of her? It’s probably that. Here are all of the places Kourt has been so far this year, and yes I am jealous.
January 6-9: Park City, Utah
Kourtney kicked off her 2018 with a ski vacation in Deer Valley Resort in Utah, where she was joined by her kids. It seems like her kids don’t usually get to come on her trips, so it’s fun that she didn’t leave them at home with Scott this time. Deer Valley isn’t cheap, and the best accommodations are thousands of dollars a night. Never forget the ski trip episode of KUWTK when they took Kim’s Blackberry and threw it down the stairs. I fucking love this family.
January 23-25: Punta de Mita, Mexico
Literally weeks later, Kourtney Kardashian went on vacation to Mexico, where she spent a fun few days hanging out in Punta de Mita, which I’ve never heard of, but it looks amazing. She’s alone in all the photos, so it’s unclear who she went with, but she looked hot. Also, she tagged her hotel in every photo she posted, so it’s safe to say she didn’t pay for anything on this trip. If you want to stay at the Imanta Resort like Kourtney, you’ll be spending at least $765 a night for the cheapest room. Also she captioned one of her instas “guac is extra” so make that $768.
February 4-5: New York City
Kourt popped up to NYC for a couple days, where she had breakfast at Tiffany’s with Penelope and North. It was just the three ladies for the weekend, with Kim and the other kids nowhere to be seen. This would be a cute idea, if it didn’t seem like North hates Penelope from all the photos. Maybe North just hates everyone, not like I can relate. Also, I feel like going to the new cafe at Tiffany’s is the NYC nicegirl move of 2018.
February 18: Skiing (Again)
Kourtney gave absolutely no context for this photo, but I’m just going to assume that she was skiing on February 18. Usually she’s not so cryptic about her trips, but there’s not much info here. I’m hoping that she’s sitting in between Scott and Younes and that they finally had a threesome, but it’s probably just two randos that we wouldn’t even care about. No matter who else is in the picture, flying somewhere to ski just for the day is so Kourtney Kardashian.
February 26-March 4: Japan
The Kardashian sisters took a big vacation to Japan as Khloé’s “babymoon,” which is A) not a thing and B) really not a fucking thing. Nevertheless, I am still very jealous of the week they spent exploring Tokyo and Kyoto. Kourtney served some major looks while she was in Japan, and tbh “Tokyo Kourtney” would be my ideal character if I was designing a video game. Remember back when we could appreciate Khloé’s pregnancy without knowing about the cheating shit storm that was to come? Those were the days.
April 2-3: Big Sur
There’s no better way to emphasize Kourtney’s tinyness than hanging out with the literal biggest trees on the planet. I’m glad Kourt took some time to connect with nature, but seeing her in a flannel feels very wrong. Like, where is all the skin? Whatever, Kourtney was really feeling her Northern California vibe for the two days that she was there, and I would absolutely do the same thing.
April 4: San Francisco
After living her Big Little Lies fantasy in Big Sur for a couple days, Kourt headed north to San Francisco, where she wore some unfortunate jeans while it was clearly too cold to be at the beach. Kourtney’s Nor-Cal fashion game is giving me a headache, so thank god she usually vacations in sunnier places. I also can’t really picture her in San Francisco, because I feel like she would just be complaining the whole time about how it’s not LA.
April 8-11: Turks & Caicos
Post-Japan, Kourtney and Kim hung out in Turks & Caicos for a few days, while Khloé was trapped in Cleveland with the fucking devil Tristan Thompson. Kourt posted one Insta where she’s sitting on a bar and wearing a Chanel fanny pack, which is everything I want out of 2018. Seriously, she is so hot. I also need to know how many tries this perfect surfboard photo took, because I would absolutely tip over into the water 17 times.
April 18-20: Random Trailer
For Kourtney’s 39th birthday, Younes surprised her with a little getaway to a luxury Airstream trailer somewhere in Malibu. Usually I wouldn’t put the words “luxury” and “trailer” in the same sentence, but this place looks incredible. Brb, sending screenshots of this to the guy I’m talking to just as a little hint of what I want for my birthday. Also, again Kourtney, wtf are those jeans, and why?
April 24-25: Washington DC
Okay, so this wasn’t truly a vacation, but someone else had to watch her kids for a couple days so it counts. Kourt went to Washington to speak before congress about chemicals in shampoo or some shit like that, and she did some sightseeing while she was in the nation’s capital. She was there to see the famous cherry blossoms, and also posted a photo at the Lincoln Memorial. Praise be to Kourtney Kardashian, queen of flowers and also of history. She does it all!
May 6-8: Canyon Point, Utah
As I write this, Kourtney is probably getting dirt all over her Yeezys in some canyon in Utah. She surprised Younes with a trip to Utah for his 25th birthday, and it actually looks like a lot of fun. They’re staying at the Amangita Resort, which is a favorite of Kim’s (and also Kyle Richards stayed there like last week), and getting lots of good photo ops in front of the red rocks. This place will definitely be on my list once I’m in a position to take 32 vacations a year.
Images: Shutterstock; @kourtneykardash / Instagram (11)
Figuring out where to watch all the best events at the 2018 Winter Olympics can actually be an enormous pain in the ass. Thanks to the fact that PyeongChang is a casual 14 hours ahead of the U.S. (I’m usually 14 hours late to things anyway so it’s fine), and the literal maze that is the Olympics’ website, figuring out when to watch can be difficult. Luckily, NBC has you covered with 176 hours of Olympic coverage, and live streaming on their website for those of you who lost your ex’s dad’s best friend’s cable login prefer to watch online. While there’s literally no way to catch all the events (unless you call out sick for a full three weeks, in which case, I salute you), here’s how to catch some of the most popular winter sports.
Opening Ceremonies
So like, technically the opening ceremonies already happened, but they don’t air on NBC in the U.S. until 8pm on Friday, February 9th, so I guess we’re just all going to pretend they didn’t already take place. Timezones are fucking weird, man. This year, the ceremonies are even more important than usual because they’re going to be a “show of Korean unity.” If you don’t know why that’s important, check out @RealDonaldJTrump’s Twitter page and figure it out for yourself.
When to watch: Friday 2/10 at 8pm on NBC.
Who to look out for: Frst of all, hot oiled up Tonga guy will be back serving as his country’s flag bearer, so there’s that. Second, Kim Jong Un’s little sister — Kimberly Jong Unette* — will also be in attendance. Being baby sis to the world’s most batshit dictator sure does have it’s perks.
*Her name is actually Kim Yo-jong
Women’s Halfpipe Finals
I know men’s snowboarding is usually the big ticket item (Where else we we get to see a stoned af Shaun White flip through the air a bunch??), but this year’s women’s halfpipe finals are going to be lit. Besides, if I wanted to watch dudes snowboard, I’d watch Johnny Tsunami again. Wait, actually, I should totally watch Johnny Tsunami again…
When to watch: Monday 2/12 at 8PM on NBC.
Who to look out for: The whole reason I picked the women’s halfpipe over the men’s (apart from like, feminism and shit) is seventeen-year-old Korean-American snowboarder Chloe Kim. Chloe is second-ever snowboarder (after gold medalist/perpetually high person Shaun White) to score a perfect 100. To win the gold this year she’ll have to face off against her bff/childhood idol, 2002 gold medalist Kelly Clark. To add to the drama, this is probably Kelly’s last Olympics so like, the frenemy levels are extremely high.
All The Figure Skating
If I,Tonya taught us anything (other than the there is no amount of prosthetics that can make Margot Robbie look ugly), it’s that people fucking love figure skating. They love it so much they’ll destroy lives over it. It’s kind of beautiful. If you, like the rest of the world, have a newly renewed obsession with figure skating then you’re in luck. There are a fuckload of figure skating events, and an even larger fuckload of figure skaters for you to pray don’t get hit in the back of the leg with a retractable rod watch this year.
When to watch: Men’s Final: Friday 2/16 at 8pm | Ladies’ Final: Thursday 2/22 at 8pm | Pairs’ final: Wednesday 2/14 8pm on NBC.
Who to look out for: Tonya Harding with a baseball bat? JK JK. Bradie Tennell is basically the Cinderella of the Olympics (in that she’s an overnight sensation, is blonde, wears blue, and literally skates to a song called ‘Cinderella’). Tennell was the first female skater in 10 years to win a medal on her first try in the Skate America Grand Prix, and earlier this year she won the U.S. national title. She also barely twenty, which is literally rude, but we’ll forgive her.
Bobsledding
As far as winter Olympic sports that have movies about them, bobsledding is obviously in every millennials top 8. Bobsledding is one of those sports that is in absolutely no way easy, but when you watch you *kind of* feel like you could do it. Like, I’ve ridden the Matterhorn at Disneyland which is like basically the same thing, right? (Narrator: It was not the same).
When to watch: Two Man Finals: 2/19 at 8pm | Women’s Finals: 2/21 at 8pm | Four-Man Finals: 2/24 at 8pm on NBC.
Who to look out for: Nigeria they got a bobsled team, yeah! This year Nigeria will put forward the first ever Nigerian women’s bobsled team. While they’re not expected to place, I can think of another underdog bobsled team from a warm-weather country that stole the hearts of the bobsled world not long ago. I guess what I’m saying is, if we don’t get an all-female Nigerian reboot of Cool Runnings out of this, I’m gonna be pissed.
Sooooo Much Skiing
Everybody feels like they’re a pretty good skier until they see actually good skiers in the Olympics and are like, “Oh fuck, I’m a joke.” Again, there are a *lot* of options for ski fans here, so here are just a few. As for the rest, IDK. Google it.
When to watch (jumping): Women’s normal hill: 2/12 at 3pm | Men’s large hill: 2/17 at 8pm | Men’s team: 2/19 at 3pm on NBC.
When to watch (Alpine): There is literally so much Alpine skiing at the Olympics. Turn on your TV and you will find it. Here are some highlights, but for the ski freaks among us just know there are like 10 other skiing events not listed here:
Men’s Downhill 2/10 at 8pm | Women’s downhill 2/20 at 8pm | Team event 2/23 at 8pm on NBC.
Who to watch: Ummm Mikaela Shiffrin anybody? Our girl is the reigning Olympic gold medalist and overall world champion, so I think it’s safe to say she’s not coming to PyeongChang to fuck around. Mikaela is the youngest woman ever to win Olympic gold in slalom — which is that event where people ski downhill really fast between poles and not, as I’d previously thought, the Yiddish word for penis.
The Olympics are upon us, which means the world will get to watch as the best athletes on Earth compete against each other for metal necklaces – it’s truly thrilling. Even more so when those athletes are, on top of being the pinnacle of athletic ability, really fucking attractive. Now, we all know that Team U.S.A is and always will be the most gorgeous hunk of team ever to walk the face of the Earth, but in the spirit of global unity here are some other athletes from around the world whose events you should def ditch work to watch DVR when the time comes:
Team Spain
Javier Fernandez – Figure skater
Anyone who says male figure skaters aren’t hot are seriously disturbed, and clearly haven’t seen Javier Fernandez. Javier is a two-time World champion, sex time consecutive European Champion, three-time Grand Prix final medalist, eight-time Spanish national champion, and a certified ten – or diez – depending on if you’re trying to impress him with your 9th grade level Spanish skills.
Team France
Martin Fourcade – Biathlete
Umm…yeah, obviously Team France was going to bring the heat. Fourcade is a “biathlete,” and for those of you who still need to brush up on your knowledge of random Olympic sports, that means his event involved both cross-country skiing, and shooting a gun. Not sure why those two skills were combined, but I’m very open to letting Martin change my mind on this subject.
Team Norway
Henrik Kristoffersen – Alpine Ski Racer
So let me just say right now, you are not ready for Henrik Kristoffersen. You think you are, but you are mistaken. Let me also say, that after a brief (read: 2 hour) stalking of his Instagram, he has a girlfriend and/or wife. Sorry for the bad news. Kristoffersen is a skier who focuses on both the slalom and giant slalom events.
I think I speak for everyone when I say I can’t wait to see this man’s giant slalom in South Korea this year.
Team Japan
Yuzuru Hanyu – Figure Skater
Once again, the male figure skaters are holding it down by being both athletic and fashionable. Get yourself a man who can do both, fam. Yuzuru Hanyu took home the gold in Men’s singles at the last winter Olympics, though I feel like he won’t be a single man for much longer. *ba-dum-CHI*
Team Germany
Axel Jungk – Skeleton Racer
Axel Jungk is a skeleton racer who represents Germany in the Skeleton World Cup which is a real sport and not, as I initially thought, an extremely competitive Halloween costume contest. Anyway, based of his Instagram, this German Jungk is something to behold:
Team Canada
Alex Pietrangelo – Ice Hockey
If you’re looking for a hot Olympian who is a little closer to home, might I suggest Alex Pietrangelo of the Canadian Ice Hockey team. Sadly, he is married (boo) and his Insta profile pic is literally him at his wedding (so rude), but a girl can dream, eh?
** Okay, so turns out Alex won’t actually be at the Olympics because NHL players aren’t allowed to go this year (boo) but we’re going to keep his Insta on here so you can scroll through his pics and dream of a world where you give a fuck about hockey.
Team Tonga
Pita Toufatofua – Skier
You probably remember Pita from the Rio Olympics when he made a major entrance by showing up fully shirtless and covered in oil as if to say, “It’s Tonga time, bitch!” Well this year, your boy is back, and competing as Tonga’s only Olympian. Because like, who needs a whole team when you’re only competitor looks like this:
Team U.K.
Joel Fearon – Bobsledder
Joel Fearon is a not only a winter Olympian, he is also a sprinter, meaning he competes in the Summer Olympics too. And on top of all of that, he is foooooooooine af, and represents our ex-turned-BFF, the United Kingdom. Mmm. I’d start a special relationship with him any day:
Welp, there you have it. I’m sure more hot Olympians will reveal themselves as the games goes on (we didn’t even touch on the subject of lady Olympians here, because they’re honestly all so attractive there’s no reason for a roundup), but for now I think we can all agree that the old saying is true: It’s a hot world after all.
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If there’s one thing betches love about the winter and freezing temperatures, it’s that it means we can finally go skiing. Skiing is the most (and only) betchy sport worth exerting effort and (possibly) breaking a cold sweat over. Not only do you sound sporty af to all your cuffing flings because you somehow have the hand-eye coordination to balance on two skis, but you also sound like, v classy. Planning on a ski trip usually consists of some elaborate vacay in the mountains, blacking out next to a fireplace, and attempting to look chic and pretty in a snow-looking suit. While ski attire isn’t always all that cute, there are some v chic options to pull off so you can at least say you tried.
1. **SNO White Faux Fur Hood Ski Jacket
Made exclusively for hitting the slopes, the all-white coat comes with a faux fur hood for utmost comfort, warmth, and mobility so you can like, flail your arms if you fall or something.
2. Vince Seamed Stirrup Pants
These sleek all-black leggings were basically made with an active lifestyle in mind. They’re probs tight enough where snow won’t fall in through your boot (which is obvs the worst feeling). They come with a stretchy waistband and skinny fit so no matter how bundled up are, you can still look skinny on the bottom. Bless.
3. Ilse Jacobsen Hornbæk Rubber Boot
Most rain and snow boots are seriously fugly. Like honestly, when have you ever looked at someone’s snow boots and thought, “wow, those are pretty effing cute?” These are as simple as they get, because in this case, less is def more. They’re mid-calf waterproof rain boots with a lightweight sole and a bucked design fit for wet, wintry shenanigans.
4. Jack By BB Dakota Alice Sweater
Underneath it all, you have to be pretty tipsy bundled up to keep yourself from going numb. This cable knit turtleneck is super warm and trendy enough to wear out on the town after you’ve burned enough calories on the slopes.
5. The Fur Vault Knitted Mink Fur Headband
Nothing says you’re bougie like vacationing in Aspen while wearing mink fur. Opt for a headband because it doesn’t give you hat hair and like, it’s v thick so it’ll keep you both warm and somewhat fashionable.
6. The North Face Women’s TKA 100 Glove
I honestly lose gloves like I lose my Chapstick, bobby pins, debit card, and dignity. At the very least, these are a must-have when packing for skiing, so you won’t want to lose them. Designed for sports and all that shit, they’re lightweight fleece gloves that keep your fingers from falling off in freezing temps.
