Now that spring has finally sprung, that means wedding season is officially underway! For those of you who are still too
college young to understand what wedding season is, I’d advise just ditching all of your friends now and getting out while you still can. Trust me, it’s better this way! For those of you who do know all about wedding season, then you know this is the time of year when you must forgo all of your free time, vacation days, and any savings you may have managed to build up in favor of lavishly celebrating a couple whose great love story started with the groom sending the bride a “u up?” text 6-8 months after drunkenly hooking up with her at a bar. See what I mean about getting out while you still can, kids?
Now, don’t get me wrong—wedding season can sometimes be fun (there’s always the open bar), but as someone who has never attended a wedding and/or wedding season event with a date, trust me when I say that this godforsaken season can be pretty treacherous to navigate at times. Luckily for you betches, I’ve developed a “Stop, Drop, and Roll” safety method but for, like, attending anything wedding themed as a single AF person. Since I’m more of a show not tell type of person, I’m going to throw a few scenarios at you and give some tips as to how to handle said scenario. These tips might go against basic wedding etiquette, but let me tell you they are absolutely essential when you’re out there in survival mode. You’re welcome.
Scenario #1: Someone Asks If You’re Dating Anyone
Survival Tip: Be more vague than a Poosh article.
I recently attended a friend’s engagement party and was asked no less than 15 times by various people at said party if I was “dating anyone.” And before you ask, no, apparently bringing up the guy who ghosted you in the winter of 2016 doesn’t count as “dating” anymore. I’ve never felt more personally victimized tbh. This is always a fun scenario because in theory asking about someone’s love life should be a harmless but fun question. In theory. But that theory goes completely out the window when the question is posed at an event where everyone is paired up like Noah’s freaking Ark and you’re the last sad muskrat on earth. Like, do these people think you would just show up to an event dateless if you had any other alternative?? Like I haven’t been out here propositioning the guy who asks for my spare change outside of Starbucks every morning for this very occasion?? Sighs. That said, if someone does dares ask you this question just know that the key to getting out of that conversation alive (and with your dignity still intact) is to be vague AF. Like, vaguer than Kourtney Kardashian’s instructions on what she does to get ready for a big night out. Say something along the lines of “I’ve been playing the field, just keeping my options for now!” and then run like hell for the booze. Works every time.
Scenario #2: Someone Tries To Give You Dating Advice
Survival Tip: Smile, nod, and haul ass to the open bar.
I’m going to bring up this engagement party again because it’s still fresh in my mind. I didn’t follow my own advice at one point in the evening and made the mistake of mentioning to the bride’s older relative that I wasn’t seeing anyone at the moment. She then proceeded to tell me that the reason I can’t find a boyfriend is because my Claddagh ring is facing the wrong way! As if a ring, which I bought purely because I saw Buffy Summers wearing one so I wanted to wear one, has the power to make men stop ghosting me. I didn’t have the heart to tell the old biddie that the general energy I put out into the world is somewhere between “burn it all down” and “break up with your boyfriend ‘cause I’m bored”, and it probably has nothing to do with the way I wear a ring on my finger. But, if it’s not Aunt Edna trying to give you dating advice, then it will certainly be someone else so you should prepare yourself for this scenario. My advice is to smile, nod, and then haul ass to some corner of the party where you should proceed to chug whatever drink is in your hand. Being proselytized to is always more fun when you’re drunk!
Scenario: #3: The Bride Tries To Set You Up
Survival Tip: Be mature about it. Hide in the bathroom.
I’m going to warn you right now, whether it’s at the engagement party or the actual wedding, the bride will try and set you up with the only other single person in attendance. This didn’t used to happen in my early twenties when more of my friends were single, but now that we’re all pushing 30 *shudders* and I’m the last one in my friend group to stay single, it happens A LOT more. And before you say “oh, but that’s so great of your friend to hook you up like that!” let me just tell you that they aren’t setting me up with a guy who I might be compatible with. No, they’re setting me up with any dude who has a pulse and a bare ring finger. As if we’re the only two pandas at the zoo and everyone is waiting for us to mate. There’s two ways to handle a scenario like this. One, you can lean tf into it and give the guy a chance (or, at the very least, a drunken makeout sesh). Or two, you can hide. The second method is my personal favorite because it combines two of my strengths: avoiding confrontation at all costs and drinking alone in bathrooms. The second part is optional, but highly encouraged.
Scenario #4: You Make Out With The Bride’s Younger Brother
Survival Tip: Deny, deny, deny
Speaking of drunken makeouts, what are weddings if you don’t dishonor your family name at least once by hooking up with a relative of the bride or groom in plain sight of the entire wedding party? As a single person at a wedding, it’s kind of your duty!! I’ve been introduced as the “blackout friend” at a wedding season event before, and you know what? You can’t be offended if it’s true. There’s definitely been times where I’ve made out with people at weddings and had zero memory of said makeout until the next morning when the savage animals I call my best friends reminded me in between dry heaves and wishing I was dead. They’re so sweet. The key here is to deny, deny, deny. Even if your friends present you with photographic evidence of said makeout (seriously, why am I friends with these people?) never stop denying it happened. You don’t know her. End of story.
So there you have it. Your survival guide for being single AF during wedding season. For those of you who are about to embark on this journey, stay safe out there, but more importantly—and I cannot stress this enough—stay drunk! Xo.
Images: Giphy (4)
Let me guess: You’re reading this article while rolling your eyes in disbelief, thinking “there’s no possible way to make wedding season any less of a fucking nightmare.” I’d totally do the same had I not spent a stupid amount of my time writing this. But once you’re done pouting about being single while pinning that heinous flower ball centerpiece onto your “Maybe Someday” Pinterest board, please proceed.
Katherine Heigl ever-so-condescendingly stated in 27 Dresses that “weddings are the perfect place to forget about being single.” Listen, that bitch has a stick up her ass in every movie she’s ever been in, but she’s not wrong. While the sacred union of holy matrimony isn’t exactly prime real estate for soothing the single soul, you’re doing it all wrong if you don’t use weddings as a constant reminder that spontaneous sex is still encouraged, and that you don’t need anyone’s permission to buy the shoes. So just because I’m feeling extra bitter nice today, I’ve put together this guide as a means to surviving your next country club nuptial as a party of one, so once you’re done thanking me, grab a shot from the open bar and get out there and “Cupid Shuffle” like the fucking boss that you are.
1. Don’t RSVP If You Don’t Want To
Wedding season has officially arrived (tbh, when the hell did it ever leave?) which means your fridge probably contains as many save the dates as bags of expired produce. But the one rule that people commonly seem to surpass is the choice to say no. Sending your “deepest regrets” (LOL) is this simple: Have you drunkenly hooked up with the groom actually talked to the bride since graduating college? Do you even know the wedding hashtag without opening Instagram? Then spare yourself the Mr. & Mrs. mugs purchase and carry on.
2. Dress Up And Document That Shit
Congratulations! You made it through an entire year of engagement photos, ring photos, bridal shower photos, and annoying af countdown photos. You finally get to justify dropping an entire paycheck on a new blowout, eyelash extensions and a subtly slutty wardrobe because looking hot af is the essence of feeling hot af. It’s time to whip out the Bombshell Bra and that LBD you can’t wear underwear with because there is no better selfie like a wedding selfie to make your ex jealous use as your newest profile pic.
3. Take Advantage of The Open Bar, Fucking Duh
First things first: walk your ass to the open bar. If said open bar doesn’t exist, then walk your ass to the nearest exit and GTFO. And take your gift with you. Idk who in their right mind makes people sit through their Google-assisted vows without at least offering a cold one or four in return, but nobody has time for that type of negativity in their lives.
But if there is an open bar, it’s about to be a shit show, so your best tactic is befriending the bartender. Compliment his under-poured vodka cranberries, tip him with dollar bills out of your cleavage for all I fucking care, but I guarantee by the end of the night, you’ll be getting a fast pass into tipsy territory. On that note, I’d also advice you not to get obliterated, but shit happens, and my friends would call me out for even suggesting such advice.
4. Befriend Your Table Mates
Spoiler alert: If you’re invited to a wedding without a +1, you will shortly be joining a table of fellow rejects guests who also hide their insecurities and intense fear of being alone behind self-deprecating jokes and judgmental critiques about the overused burlap and bridesmaid dresses. Your table mates are your biggest allies. They are your safe zone. And not because you have literally nobody else to talk to besides that one family member nobody knows who he belongs to, but because the only difference between Table 19 and your own betchy group of girlfriends is that Table 19 came fully equipped with flasks of tequila. Actually that would probably apply to your group of friends too…
5. Make The Dance Floor Your Bitch
After the newlywed couple is finished parading their first steps as husband and wife to John Legend’s “All of Me”, Beyoncé will give you the green light to shred your shit on the dance floor. Trust me, there’s nothing worse than witnessing the bride’s slutty cousin doing the “Wobble” so refer back to step #3 and don’t let that bitch get in the way of the hot groomsman you’ve been eye fucking all night. He’ll know you mean business when you ask to leave your heels under his table. Always be prepared with a list of ‘90s hip hop bangers on hand for the last call showdown that’s about to commence when all the relatives flock to catch their flight the next morning.
6. Keep Your Eye on The Prize
No, I’m not referring to the bride’s bouquet once you hear the fucking “Single Ladies” cue. If you’ve been eye fucking the shit out of the groom’s brother all night, and your only choice of Grade-A meat in recent months has been the option between chicken and fish, treat the wedding as a real-life Bumble. Like sure, it isn’t the finest selection, but these guys put their best outfits on display, and all you really need to know about them is their name, age, and yearly income. Just make sure his single status is verified before you start dry-humping to “Get Low.” Or don’t, whatever.
7. Live Your Best Fucking Life
Believe it or not, you’ve been completely misinformed: Weddings are a single girl’s time to fucking flourish. You’ve never looked hotter, never had more liquid confidence, and will never be treated to a mediocre dinner and alcohol on someone else’s tab without the dreaded attachment ever again. But just remember, even if you don’t end up going home with the bartender, the best man or DJ GETDWN, nothing quite beats the feeling of peeling off a pair of Spanx after a long day. Plus, there’s always the Kent wedding next weekend. Cheers, Betch.