7 Reasons Shower Sex Just Isn’t Worth It

Like so many things that are *supposed* to be fun, shower sex is soooo overrated. It’s right up there with sex on the beach. The only people who like these things are people who haven’t actually done them. There are places sand should not go, people. Tons of movies have shower sex scenes that make it look steamy and sexy, but IRL, things just never work out that way. Hollywood, quit trying to sell having sex in a confined box as attractive. Looking at you, Titanic (car sex is also just inconvenient—they obvi cut out the part where Rose got a leg cramp and Jack finished in two minutes). Also, anyone gross enough to join the Mile High Club in a dirty airplane bathroom knows that it’s about saying you did it, not because your 30-seconds of sex was actually enjoyable. Unless of course, you’re Lala Kent with a PJ, then that seems more reasonable. Let’s stop pretending these things are fun. Here are all the reasons why shower sex is probably better left in the movies.

Awkward Positioning

Most showers are not even equipped to handle two people, much less two people…doing things with each other. Where will you stand? How will you stand? Is there a height difference, because if so, you’re f*cked (but probs not going to get f*cked)? Unless the shower is a tub combo, there isn’t even a decent place to shave your legs! How will you balance? Inevitably, you will end up uncomfortable and probably with muscle strain, if not an actual injury.

Accurate depiction of shower sex, including the face of dissatisfaction:

Too Hot Or Cold

I can only be happy in the shower if I’m essentially being boiled alive. I don’t know why. Does it feel like liquid fire? NOT HOT ENOUGH YET. Either way, there is never enough water for both of you, especially if you live in a sh*tty apartment with zero water pressure. One of you will be too hot (not me, ever) and the other will be standing off to the side freezing to death. Fun!

Lube Doesn’t Work

As my friend put it, somehow “water makes things less wet”. Fact. If your natural lube is washed away, you can’t even effectively add lube without the same problem. Cool, so you’re in an awkward pose, in the cold, and now you’re chafing. Lovely. Nothing like a rug burn on your genitals. Plus, this puts you at risk for sex injuries.

Condoms Are Less Effective

Condoms are more likely to break due to the friction and no lube (see above), or just slip right off. Nothing like ruining sex with the possibility of having a child to ruin your entire life. Oh? You thought shower sex would be fun? Here’s 18 years of money-sucking hell and not being able to leave your home without paying someone to babysit! I should really teach a sex ed class, I think I’d be amazing at it. YOU WILL GET PREGNANT AND DIE.

Slipping

This comes off the awkward positioning issue. Slippage. Let’s say you find a position that works. What if your foot slides? What if you fall over? Is he trying to hold you up, because that’s probs gonna be a serious injury risk? Let’s say he slips and misses. That, my friends, is how you break a dick. Slipping in the tub/shower kills more people than sharks, *fun fact*, so maybe just have sex on the bed like a normal person, and don’t risk your life while doing it.

Makeup Smears

Even if you have waterproof makeup on, you’re probably going to somehow be waterboarded in your attempt to make this work. Nothing is more attractive as having makeup running all down your face. This NEVER happens in the movies, but you don’t look cute in the shower, sorry. And you’ll emerge a scary monster and blame yourself for his not being able to perform.

Can’t Actually Shower

Look, I’m in the shower to get clean and clear my thoughts for 20-40 minutes. You would either have to shower before, or kick the other person out to shower afterwards. What’s the point? Like, I need to wash my hair (or wear a shower cap–not cute), deep condition, wash, exfoliate, wash my face, maybe do a face mask, shave, and then moisturize. It is a process. Now I have to schedule time to be dissatisfied AND do all this too? It’s completely pointless, and I have sh*t to do. And any attempt to do these things in a sexy way mostly results in getting shampoo in your eyes, or again, waterboarded.

So, while shower sex looks fun when your favorite movie stars are doing it, it’s just not practical. We’ve probably all tried it once out of sheer curiosity/horniness, but it’s really not worth it. Stick to dry land, and you’ll be both safer and happier.

Images: Shutterstock; Giphy (4); @jnudey, @sophielmg, @graceyoconnell / Twitter

5 Tips To Have Shower Sex Without Ending Up In The ER

Shower sex can seem like a good idea, and if done right, it can be. It’s hot and steamy (thank you, hot water), and no mess to clean up. But if you aren’t careful, it can be v dangerous. Slippery surfaces, major height differences, and soap in unmentionable places can lead to sprained ankles, broken penises, and UTIs. Ow. But there is hope if shower sex if your ideal place to get down and dirty clean. Here are some useful tips to have shower sex and avoid ending up in the ER.

1. Buy Support

Shower sex calls for much-needed support. Thankful for us, the internet is a miraculous place and there are tons of products made to lend a helping hand. Like these bars to install in your shower or this step that is advertised as a way to help you shave your legs, but we all know why it was made. Don’t get too ambitious and try to do this with no help.

2. Use Non-Water Based Lube

Most lube is water-base,d which means it’ll wash away while you’re in the shower, along with your natural lubricant. Normally that’s nice, but obviously you have different needs here. Luckily, there are tons of silicone-based lubes, so you can avoid the awkward, painful bumping and grinding. Stay away from using soap as lube, because it may work in the moment but will definitely burn your vajay later (and put you at greater risk for a UTI).

3. Choose Your Position Wisely

If your V lines up with his P while standing, consider yourselves the lucky ones. Simply wrapping a leg around his back will work well. If you’re shorter, and he’s stronger, he could pick you up while you go at it. If neither of these work, face down, booty up, TIMBER, turn around and back it up. Just don’t try some of those weird af positions. The shower is not the place to experiment with crazy positions. That is how you land up with a broken ankle, or worse.

4. Use Backup Contraceptive

The age-old rule is “Wrap it before you tap it” or as my dad says, “Always wear a raincoat.” But the hot shower water can actually make the condom more likely to possibly break and be less effective. I’m not saying you should forgo using one, but have a second method in place, like birth control pills or an IUD. We’re all here to have fun, and you don’t want to regret it.

5. Use Some Friction (In The Right Places)

I definitely don’t mean penis-vagina friction, because that hurts and can cause tears down there. Ouch. Having a non-slip bathtub mat is crucial for shower sex. It will prevent you from slipping while you are *possibly* standing on one leg or in some funky position. Avoid the awkward encounter at the ER by spending $10 now, I promise it’s worth it.

And if all else fails, don’t beat yourself up about it. Shower sex may not be for everyone so leave the shower for cleaning and stick to dry land for your fun.

Images: Shutterstock; Giphy (3)

Essential Tips For Having Shower Sex Without Injuring Yourself

We’ve discussed this before, but having shower sex isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. Let’s just put that out there. I know that when we were all newly sexed up non-virgins, we wanted to do it in every position, as often as possible, and in ALL the places. But with age (and hopefully, experience) comes knowledge. So like, if you are still attempting to spice shit up and enjoy trying to not slip while getting nasty in the shower, I’m here to help you be the true freak you are. Here are a few tips on how to not bust your ass/break your arm/destroy the penis during your shower sex sesh. Happy boning, kids.

1. Grab On To Something

This is a no fucking brainer. The trick to not falling and breaking your neck if you’re trying something like wrapping a leg around him while he THRUSTS PASSIONATELY is you holding on to something to stabilize yourself. Otherwise, chances are your back will slip off the wall, he’ll fall on top of you, and nobody fucking wins.

2. Water Isn’t Lube

Pretty self-explanatory, but if you’re a lady who normally needs lube (no judgement), then you need to bring that shit into the shower. Water does not a lubricant make. In fact, it can cause more friction and result in some v unpleasant chaffing. Hard pass.

3. Use Mats, For The Love Of God

What happen if yours or his feet slip during shower sex? Nothing good. Traumatic brain injuries are my number one irrational fear, so don’t make me picture that rn. To combat this v real risk that I am not at all exaggerating, have AT LEAST one mat on the floor (and maybe even one on the wall) if you plan on putting a lot of weight on it.

4. Drunk? Sit Down

Inebriation and shower sex don’t mix. Please trust me. If you really wanna get your weirdo on in the wettest of places, please don’t try to test your balance by doing it standing up. Just make your dude sit down under the shower stream and get on top. Yah, it’s hella lazy, but the water may help wash away the stench of irresponsibility. Honestly, though, there are far safer places to have drunk sex than the shower. I don’t want your blood on my hands, so just don’t do it, promise?

5. Bend Over

Best position, hands down, for the shower (esp in terms of safety), is for you to bend over, get a good hold on the wall (or shower bar if you’re a pre-menopausal woman and have one of those), and go to town with said dude behind you. It’s honestly the most stable with the least chance of one of you slipping and falling and getting a concussion.

6. Know When It Isn’t Working

It’s okay if y’all aren’t as flexible as you like to pretend. Or if the mood was sorta ruined when the water caused too much friction and you queefed a little too loud to ignore. It’s okay to ditch the shower and continue things somewhere more comfortable, less wet, and with a lower chance of injury.

Images: Skyler King, Unsplash; Giphy(7)