In the ever-wise words of LMFAO, “SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS.” Although we’re kind of done with college and the whole prospect of guzzling a shot of lukewarm vodka doesn’t excite us the way it used to (fuck you, makers of Dubra), the presence of shots in our lives does rear its head every once in a blue moon. Some shots are better than others, especially in terms of how many calories just went to your waistline with the tip of that shitty Las Vegas themed glass. For reference, according to LiveStrong.com, one ounce of almost any unsweetened, distilled alcohol (vodka, brandy, rum, etc.) is about 65 calories. So, a shot, which is 1.5 ounces, would be around 90-100 calories. Once you start layering that in with other shit, your diet can go downhill reaaaaal fast. Here are some of the absolute worst offenders when it comes to the tiniest drinks we can order, aka, the highest calorie shots. You’ve been warned.
1. Irish Car Bomb
Not technically a shot, since it combines dropping your shot of cream and Bailey’s into a glass of Guinness, but it’s high calories put it on the list. This thing clocks in at about 300 calories. NOPE RIGHT OUTTA HERE.
2. Smoker’s Cough
I had to dig through the internet to find this one, and I hate myself for discovering it. Who the fuck does this? What kind of monster thought of this combo? If you aren’t aware, this shot combines Jagermeister, of “I just joined a frat and popped my collar” fame, and fucking mayonnaise, star of dry sandwiches across our great nation. So it isn’t really that fucking surprising that this shit can clock in at 200 calories. That’s one of the highest calorie shots you can order. It’s also fucking disgusting.
3. Blow Job Shots
Awww, are you having a bachelorette party or are you just a high school girl? Cutes. This shot, which combines Bailey’s cream and Kahlua, is topped with whipped cream is, not surprisingly, really fucking fattening. It weighs in at about 170 calories OR FUCKING MORE depending on how much whipped cream the bartender wants to see in and around your mouth.
4. Cinnamon Toast Crunch
If you’re a 45-year-old man who just discovered Rumchata, liqueur that tastes like the milk from your Cinnamon Toast Crunch, congrats. For the rest of us, it’s probably best to avoid a shot of this delicious shit that combines Rumchata and Fireball, since it clocks in at about 140 cals. Sad.
5. Baby Guinness
THESE ARE SO STUPID. First of all, anyone who wastes Patron Café on a shot isn’t worth your time. Secondly, this shot that layers Bailey’s on top of said Patron Café clocks in at around 131 calories, not to mention the sugar and sick, creamy feeling you’ll have afterwards.
6. Flaming Lemon Drop
If you order this, you’re an ex sorority girl still trying to live the glory days of college. Bless. This shot, which combines, lemon, sugar, Sambuca, and vodka, can clock in at about 120 calories depending on how much sugar your bartender drops in. Plus, it’s on fire. Buyer fucking beware.
7. Red Headed Sluts
You’re so fun and daring for ordering this shit! Combine cranberry juice, peach schnapps, and Jagermeister for this 110 calorie shot. You could just skip all the sugar and German alcohol and have a shot of vodka like an adult, but what do I know.
Yikes. This shot combines Bailey’s, Kahlua, and Grand Marnier, making for a sugary, creamy shot that clocks in at about 110 calories. While that isn’t a ton, we know you’re not going to have just one … so ..
Images: Andrew Jay / Unsplash; Giphy (3)
Your WCW is hungover every Sunday, reeks of too many vodka sodas, dreads the “Ride” of Shame in the morning but will still do it again next weekend. It’s me. I’m your WCW It doesn’t matter how many times I swear off binge drinking or how many times I’ve left a tab open with an amount that
brings shame upon my family equals my entire paycheck, I’m still going to find myself at a bar Saturday night a nd hate myself in the AM. Look, I know, you don’t have to drink to have fun, but – JK, that’s bullshit and you know it. As a woman in her early 20s, I’m still in my prime for making questionable choices and using my age and inexperience an excuse. So, if I can get past security with my too expensive (but, worth it) flask and get away with it, I’m probs gonna do it while I still can. This doesn’t exactly work with all venues, though. Sneaking in alcohol to beaches or festivals isn’t as easy and requires some low-key geniuses so, cue these inconspicuous flask inventions that are disguised as fashion accessories. This could either be really fucking great or, like, a complete shit show.
Primeware Rose Gold Insulated Drink Purse With Bladder Bag
I know, it had me at rose gold, too but, then it almost (keyword) lost me at bladder bag. Is this for when I get old and senile and forget to use the bathroom? I’ll have to remember that. For now, it’s our dream bag come true. It’s actually a pretty stylish millennial pink-ish bag with an insulated thermal and refillable disposable baggie. You can fill it with any liquid your little heart desires up to 3 liters. No one will ever suspect a damn thing. Boxed wine anyone? Anyone??
Smuggle Your Booze 6 Oz. Hairbrush Hidden Flask And Funnel
I can’t get over this. It’s exactly what you think it is: A brush that actually works as a hidden flask. It comes with a funnel and can hold up to 6 ounces, without any worry of leakage. Note: You won’t get away with using this in public because like, who the fuck drinks out of brush? Ya, grab your friend to “pee” if you need a refill.
Blush Charade 4 Oz. Bracelet Flask
Spot the flask!!! To the naked, naive eye, this is just a trendy bracelet. Or, just a cheesy attempt at bringing back the 80s. Either way, it works. It comes in a few different colors so choose the one that best suits your metal preference and indecisive outfit picking. These are literally the best gift ideas ever, since you wouldn’t get a bracelet flask without asking your friends first if it looks good on you, right? Right.
Boozin’ Gear Women’s Hidden Flask Infinity Scarf
With fall approaching fast and steady (slow the eff down, please), what better way to conceal your alcohol than in a scarf?! Also, why didn’t I come up with this sooner? LMK. The scarves come in different colors and patterns – so like, a real scarf that will fool your sweet nana – and can hold almost a whole can of beer. Which is honestly a lot if you think about it, especially if you plan on refilling it.
Is this real fucking life? You’re telling me a sports bra holding 25 ounces of liquid, aka enough alcohol to share with an entire party, exists? Just when I was giving up on 2017. The inflatable wine “rack” (LOL) has control valves for pouring and comes in sizes 34A-34D so you’ll def find a size comfortable for holding alcohol on your boobs. Going for a run or getting drunk in Central Park? We both know what the right answer is.
Treasure Gurus Lipstick Shaped Flask
Our fave beauty product also happens to be a flask. Bless. The lipstick flask holds up to 3 shots, so pretty much perfect if you’re pregaming on the low and/or on-the-go. It’s a tad larger than a normal lipstick (obvs) but, no one will be able to tell the difference if it’s casually thrown in your purse. Don’t share with your bitches and reapply *wink**wink* when you please.
I know the drill. You’ve got a bunch of 4th of July BBQs to attend, and you want to bring something that will really wow people because you want to distract everyone from your lack of a summer body/want to impress Brad/I don’t really care why tbh. Well, I’ve got something that will be sure to impress (and get you wasted): red, white, and blue Jell-O shots. It’s what our founding fathers would have wanted.
Brace yourselves: this post is long. Mostly because I don’t have faith in anybody to not fuck this up.
- 3 boxes of Jell-O: 1 blue raspberry, 1 of any red flavor (cherry, strawberry, raspberry, IDGAF), and 1 clear* (more boxes if you want to make more than, like, 30 shots in total. Warning you now: one box of Jell-O doesn’t get you very far. If this is a big party you may want to double the recipe).
- 1 handle of vodka—If you buy the shitty vodka that comes in a plastic bottle, PEOPLE CAN TELL. No need to ball out, though—stick with Smirnoff and you’ll be fine.
- 3 juices that correspond to each different color of Jell-O that you bought, i.e., blue V8 for the blue, red fruit punch for the red, and just like, Sprite or some shit for the clear. IDK, something clear and somewhat flavorful. The clear ones are going to come out rough—deal with it. Note: DO NOT USE HAWAIIAN PUNCH. That shit is disgusting. It will botch your Jell-O shots. I would know; I’ve done it before.
- 2 pots *said in the 2Chainz voice* …actually I lied you only really need 1 pot; I just wanted to make that joke.
- Those little Dixie cups kids use to brush their teeth with OR those paper ketchup cups OR disposable shot glasses OR whatever you can find. Basically you just need a small plastic cup-like structure that’s not too rigid or else no one will be able to squeeze the shots into their mouth. Be creative. I’ve used mini cupcake molds in a dire situation. It really doesn’t fucking matter.
*clear Jell-O is hard to find but I promise it exists.
Finding all this shit may be hard, but the good news is making Jell-O is so easy, even a caveman you can do it. I’m prefacing this by saying that these aren’t regular Jell-O shots; they’re good Jell-O shots. I know this because I am honestly kind of famous for these things. I’m sort of an urban legend. But anyway, I can’t believe I’m about to do this, but I’ll tell you my secret.
So when you make regular, non-alcoholic Jell-O, you mix 1 cup of hot water with 1 cup of cold water and then the mix. Easy. Now, most idiots making Jell-O shots just sub out the cold water for their liquor of choice and call it a day. WRONG. That is how your Jell-O shots come out tasting like rubbing alcohol and regret. SO LISTEN TO ME CAREFULLY. For Jell-O shots that will taste delicious and still get you fucked up, you still replace the cold water with the alcohol, but you also REPLACE THE CUP OF HOT WATER WITH ONE CUP OF JUICE.
This is why you can’t be choosing flavors all willy-nilly. You have to put some thought into it. Maybe buy more packets of Jell-O than you need in case you fuck up the flavor profiles. Can you tell I take this way too seriously?
And now I will no longer be invited to parties since I gave away my long sought-after recipe. JK, I’ll still get invited because I’m a fucking good time. But anyway, for those of you who lack the powers of deductive reasoning, here’s your step-by-step guide to making these patriotic Jell-O shots. Please note, these are not for the layered Jell-O shots pictured above, but for red and white and blue ones. As in, separate colors, separate cups. I’ll get to the fancy shit in a sec.
1. Get your pot. Measure 1 cup of juice. Pour into pot. Put it on the stove on low heat, and when that shit starts to boil, stir in your Jell-O mix until it’s dissolved. This should take like, 2 minutes (btw this is all on the box in case you forget).
2. Once it’s dissolved, remove the pot from heat. Measure your 1 cup of vodka and pour it in the Jell-O/juice mix. Stir.
3. Pour that shit into your cups. Put it all in the fridge. Wait like, 5 hours.
4. Rinse and repeat (like literally rinse the pot) 2 more times.
If you want to get really fancy, you can do three-layered Jell-O shots, like so:
It’s the same as above, only when you pour the first layer of mix into the cups, only fill it like 1/3 of the way, fucking duh. Then—and this is the important part—you need to wait for each individual layer to solidify a little before you pour the next layer on top of it, which—double important part—NEEDS TO BE COOL. NOT HOT. Basically, if you try to pour hot Jell-O over not-gelled-Jell-O, instead of a nice layering effect, everything will all melt and mix together and you’ll have a gross brown (or purple?) mixture. Ew.
I can feel that I just overcomplicated things. Know what? Let’s leave the layering to the professionals. Aka, me.
As we all know, what you order at the bar can say a lot about who you are as a person. Wine drinkers are classy, vodka soda people are probably counting calories, and if you order a Long Island Iced Tea you’re def looking to hide from a troubled past. These are just like, the facts when it comes to cocktail preference, but what about the liquor that goes into those cocktails? We all know at least one WGG who won’t shut the fuck up about whiskey, so obviously the liquor you choose to drink says a lot about your personality (in the case of the whiskey chick, that you’re annoying AF). While you already know that the giant frozen marg you just ordered is signaling to all the world that you are extra, what does your home liquor cabinet say about you, other than that you’re a low-key alcoholic who needs to have access to intoxicating beverages at all times. Sure, you can judge someone by their cocktail order, but why not take the judgment all the way to the liquor that goes into the cocktail—or more accurately, the liquor that is poured directly into your mouth via shot glass? Please enjoy responsibly.
With Cinco de Mayo rapidly approaching, all the betches are going to be asking for tequila. It’s versatile in the fact you can take it as a shot or put it in a margarita, and, well, that’s pretty much it. Tequila is great for holidays, spring break, and nights you feel like blacking out and losing friendships. We’ve all been there. But if you’re the girl who orders tequila on the regular, you’re probably the biggest hot mess in your friend group who gives the least amount of shits about earning that title. There’s a reason “Tequila Makes Her Clothes Fall Off” is a thing. Your friends might talk some shit about how they’re “concerned for your health,” but that’s probably just because they’re jealous AF that you can push all your inhibitions aside and have a good time. Even if it often ends with you waking up in a jail cell.
Some might say you’re basic for ordering the same type of shot since high school, but those people can go fuck themselves. As we previously mentioned, vodka sodas are the
healthiest least terrible mixed drink you can order as far as calories go. And if taking vodka shots is your chosen way to pregame, it’s probably because you’re efficient and you know what gets the job done. You’re looking to get the most amount of drunk while taking in the least amount of calories, and we respect the hell out of that. Ordering vodka doesn’t make you basic, it makes you classic. Classic vs. basic is like the difference between Audrey Hepburn and the girl that only posts selfies with the puppy Snapchat filter.
Ordering rum on vacation is one thing, making it a habit is another. Let’s face it, if you need your liquor to be super sweet just so you can choke it down, you’re probably a little immature. It’s like people who take their coffee with so much milk and sugar it looks like a hot chocolate. Not to say you have to order scotch to be taken seriously, but no one thinks the girl drinking straight Malibu at the party is about to graduate law school or become a CPA. Like, sure, I’ll order a rum and coke so I can sing R. Kelly’s “Ignition Remix” in my head while feeling like I’m giving myself diabetes, but that’s a “It’s summer and I just got a text back” thing, not an every day thing.
We’ve said it once, and we’ll say it again—the girl ordering whiskey at the bar is 20 times more likely to say she prefers to hang out with guys because they’re less drama. Like fuck off, seriously. You’re trying to prove that you’re tough enough to chill with the bros like a bro, but also DTF because, obviously, playing lawn darts for six hours was a ploy to make out with your partner. The exception to this rule, of course, is if you’re from the South. Then it’s perfectly acceptable to down Jack Daniels because it’s part of your culture. I’m pretty sure they put that shit in baby bottles down there. Otherwise, you’re just signaling to everyone that you’re afraid of female friendships, desperate, and all these calories will go straight to your thighs.
We’ve all read that study by now that says a person who likes gin is probably a sociopath—it has something to do with people who like bitter flavors being crazy because bitter taste is a sign of poison in nature. Anyway, I’m not going to go as far as to say you’re a total psycho, but choosing gin at the bar probably means you’re a little insecure. You don’t want to go for vodka because it will make you seem basic, yet anything else will make you seem like you don’t care about calories. As Ron Swanson says, “Clear liquor is for rich women on diets.” So, you, basically.
The girl who orders scotch isn’t actually a girl at all. She’s a 70-year-old man who has somehow taken over the body of a young woman. Did you need a scotch to help bring out the flavor of your imported Cuban cigar? C’mon. Get out of my face with that shit. Scotch is only for people who have somehow severely damaged their tastebuds—I’m assuming in some freak World War II accident.
You’re probably a bit of a hipster, because bourbon is the new craft beer. You heard it here first, folks. Similar to whiskey, you’re probably trying a little to hard to seem casual if you have to order bourbon. Like, I get the appeal. Bourbon has to be made in Kentucky so it’s a little more exclusive than plain old whiskey. Plus, if you’re real fancy, you can claim that you can tell the difference between bourbon and whiskey, even though everyone around you knows you’re full of shit. The Kentucky Derby is Saturday so if you don’t know how to feel pretentious while getting wasted yet, Saturday is your chance to try it. Wait, Cinco de Mayo is Friday and The Derby is Saturday? Fuck. Prepare your liver!
It happens to the best of us. You get too lit on a Wednesday and then wake up on Thursday feeling like death. Unfortunately for those of us who are no longer in college (RIP social life), turning off your alarm and copying the notes later from that dude who is always staring at your ass is not an option. Nope. You have a job and responsibilites and bills to pay and a boss who gives a fuck if you show up and shit. You also can’t just roll up hot reeking of last night’s tequila and telling everyone who will listen about how you feel like you’re going to die. You have to find a way to appear as if you’re a fine, normal, human adult who totally did not black out mid-week just because her one funemployed friend told her a bout half priced shots. Basically, you have to lie. But no worries because, as they say, if Britney could get through 2003, you can get through anything. Even a hangover that feels like it may be moving from just regular sickness into imminent death. And sure, 90% of getting over a hangover is just staying hydrated, but when was the last time you remembered to do that? Ugh that just reminds me I haven’t had a glass of water in over six months. BRB…
With summer right around the corner, it’s officially time to get your shit in gear and shed those extra winter pounds that hide perfectly under a sweater but make you look like a beluga in a bikini. Lucky for you, this isn’t your first rodeo so you know what to do: get your ass in a SoulCycle class; trade the pizza for a salad; and cut back on the drinking, which fucking sucks but what other option do you have? “Just give up alcohol and carbs,” those smug sober people who have no fun say. “It’s so simple; you’ll drop 10 pounds like that!” Except it’s not that fucking simple when every weekend I have to choose between having a good time and not offending everyone with my crop top body. Well, betches, science has thrown us a life preserver. A ray of hope. A light at the end of the tunnel, if you will. I’ll stop with the platitudes and get to the point: according to some new research, alcohol doesn’t make you gain weight. At least, not necessarily. You can just call me your very own blackout betch fairy godmother for bestowing you with such good news, thank you very much.
So here’s the deal. Throughout the years, betches like us have been wondering if there’s any way we can black out Wednesday through Saturday without getting fat, and there’s been a ton of conflicting research. Finally, some hero at the New York Times researched a shit ton of different studies about alcohol and weight loss. The general consensus is that moderate consumption of alcohol, so like a glass of wine a day, is not going to keep you from having the body of a Hadid. (It’s your exorbitant cheese consumption and total lack of willpower that’s going to keep you from having the body of a Hadid.) It’s important to note, however, that “moderate consumption of alcohol” doesn’t exactly mean you can get shitfaced three days a week and lose weight, but it’s better than nothing.
And some more bad news, because fuck it: binge drinking—which is defined by lame-ass experts and your mom as consuming five or more drinks in one night—was linked to a higher obesity risk. In other words, despite how much you drunkenly tell yourself otherwise, yes calories count even when you’re drinking. They also count on the weekends. So stick to the skinny shit: A glass of wine, vodka soda, Patron on the rocks, straight vodka shots—you know, the standards—and then maybe you can manage to stay drunk and thin all summer long. You’re fucking welcome.
There’s not much on the whole fucking planet that goes better together than wine and cheese. Peanut butter and jelly? No. Salt and pepper? Nah. Me and Bravo? Maybe. But like, give me a bottle of pinot and a cheese plate and I’m fucking there. Not to mention both cheese and red wine are good for you now, so like, it’s healthy too. But instead of just leaving this perfect pair tf alone, someone had to go and ruin it. How? Fucking cheese and wine shots. That’s how.
At first when I saw this, I was like fuck yeah, cheese and wine shots for the win, but then I really thought about it and realized this is stupid af. For one, never in my whole life of eating cheese and wine have I been like, “This is cool and all, but being able to consume both at the exact same time would really take my snacking game to a whole new level.” Like, nope. Not even once. Secondly, a shot of wine? What is this? Sophomore year of high school? I’ve gotten to the point where a whole bottle just gets me a little buzzy, let alone one little-ass shot. And last, do you like, bite the cheese shot when there’s wine in it? Because that sounds like a fucking Tide To Go pen commercial just waiting to happen and I’m not trying to clean at a party. Fucking duh.
So yeah, just keep old school when it comes to wine and cheese. It’s fucking fine the way it is.