Everyone with half a brain knows that when it comes to celebrating your friends’ birthdays, there’s a hierarchy. There are the people whose birthdays you actually remember without Facebook reminding you. There are the friends who you feel obliged to create an Instagram story filled with a slew of embarrassing photos of them. There are the friends who get an actual full-fledged Instagram post. And then, finally, there are the friends you actually buy shit for. These are the Regina Georges of friend birthdays. We’ve created a line of funny birthday gifts to buy for the friends who have dealt with enough of your hangovers and temper tantrums to deserve a dope gift. We also created this because it was Betches’ seventh birthday yesterday. I know, we’re like, so old. So like, just buy this stuff, throw a few vodka nips in the gift bag and call it a day. You’re welcome.
Nobody wants to read a long-ass caption about how lucky you feel to have met your best friend in your freshman dorm six years ago—they just want funny birthday gifts—so why don’t you write it all down in this card that you can then awkwardly watch her read IRL?
Not to brag, but we’re fucking geniuses and came up with a shot glass set that accurately captures the four kinds of moods people have towards taking shots. Like, just consider this the new Myers-Briggs test, or whatever. Forget horoscopes. Just carefully watch to see which shot glass your friends go for, and you’ll know literally everything about their lives and souls.
For the friend who’s actually like, really petty. Like, Kim Kardashian sending samples of her new fragrance to her enemies petty. Not like, your annoying friend sending you a Venmo request for a five minute Uber ride the next morning petty.
Are you even best friends if you don’t discuss the premise, and maybe even the opening credits, of your own TV show every time you get halfway through a bottle of rosé together? If you can’t relate, you should probably get funnier friends. However, if you can relate, just like, get this wine glass, because your funniest friends deserve funny birthday gifts.
Whether you actually believe in the sanctity of practicing a full birth month, or you’re trying to passively-aggressively give your friend a hint that she needs to chill TF out with the birthday plans, this card should get the message across pretty nicely.
There’s not much on the whole fucking planet that goes better together than wine and cheese. Peanut butter and jelly? No. Salt and pepper? Nah. Me and Bravo? Maybe. But like, give me a bottle of pinot and a cheese plate and I’m fucking there. Not to mention both cheese and red wine are good for you now, so like, it’s healthy too. But instead of just leaving this perfect pair tf alone, someone had to go and ruin it. How? Fucking cheese and wine shots. That’s how.
At first when I saw this, I was like fuck yeah, cheese and wine shots for the win, but then I really thought about it and realized this is stupid af. For one, never in my whole life of eating cheese and wine have I been like, “This is cool and all, but being able to consume both at the exact same time would really take my snacking game to a whole new level.” Like, nope. Not even once. Secondly, a shot of wine? What is this? Sophomore year of high school? I’ve gotten to the point where a whole bottle just gets me a little buzzy, let alone one little-ass shot. And last, do you like, bite the cheese shot when there’s wine in it? Because that sounds like a fucking Tide To Go pen commercial just waiting to happen and I’m not trying to clean at a party. Fucking duh.
So yeah, just keep old school when it comes to wine and cheese. It’s fucking fine the way it is.