The weather is getting warmer, that sweet, sweet immunity is coursing through our veins, and there’s one thing on everyone’s mind: hot girl summer! We’re wearing less and going out more, hitting on strangers, and just generally gracing the world with our attractiveness. But that right there is the problem. While the beautiful people of the internet were gleefully writing “if it stops raining, hot girl summer can begin” tweets over Memorial Day Weekend, has anyone considered the inherent erasure of Hot Girl Summer? What about the people who performed ill-advised at-home dye jobs this winter? Or the ones who never got their maskne under control? Those of us who haven’t had an eyebrow appointment in at least a quarter, whose eyelash extensions are hanging by a thread? Simply: those of us who feel uglier post-quarantine? Where’s our place in the reopening celebrations? Well, look no further. Even if, after this pandemic, you’re still only a 5 on a good day, there are thankfully some non-hot alternatives to hot girl summer. See which one speaks to you.
Shot Girl Summer
You’d think this would simply be hot girl summer, but for the vaccinated, but you’d be wrong. If you want to have a shot girl summer, you must literally become a shot girl. Walk up to your local sleazy bar, no-name vodka in hand, and pour said vodka into unsuspecting patrons’ mouths. (Submitting your resume in advance and becoming gainfully employed by said bar is an extra, but not necessary, step.)
Mean Girl Summer
It goes without saying that Wednesdays are for pink, jeans or sweatpants can only be worn on a Friday, and you can only wear your hair up once a week. (So I guess you chose today.) Perfect for those who gained weight in a short period of time; that means you’re ahead of the game! The next steps are to lose all your friends and then throw yourself into oncoming traffic. What’s that, you’ve already done the former as a result of not being able to see the friends who don’t live within walking distance in over a year, and you’ve contemplated the latter? Great, get some fake flowers for your back brace and stock up on a lacrosse stick, you grotsky little beyotch!
Guy’s Girl Summer
So you “hate drama” and “just get along with guys better”? Sounds like you’ve been having a guy’s girl summer for quite some time. If you enjoy drinking beer, watching sports, and making everyone uncomfortable with your overly vulgar jokes and insidiously sexist descriptions of other women, this could be the path for you. Say goodbye to Sunday brunches because you’ll be glued to a TV screen instead. Not like that bothers you, since you “never got” the appeal of brunch. Sure, mimosas do have a lot of sugar, but have you considered that beer is just fermented bread? You have a little buffalo sauce on your chin, BTW.
Gone Girl Summer
View this post on Instagram
This option may appeal to Type-A planners and enthusiastic journalers, because it requires lots of advance planning. Or at the very least, you could put that poorly done at-home dye job to good use by incorporating it into your new identity. Fun! Make sure all your assets have been liquidated and you have your fake ID from college. Then bust out your list of all the men in your life who’ve wronged you and vanish, framing one good-for-nothing man for your disappearance and another for your attempted murder and eventual return. Please note, Gone Girl Summer is not meant for Instagram documenters, since posting on social media is not allowed while you’re pretending to be dead. The first place the cops will look is your Instagram stories.
Cheetah Girl Summer
Given the amount of midi-length leopard print skirts proliferating the streets of New York City, we could all be having a Cheetah Girl Summer. Add a score of original pop girl power anthems, three of your closest friends, and 86 any sense of shame around singing and dancing in public, and your summer is going to be a movie. Specifically, a Disney Channel Original Movie.
Working Girl Summer
Normally, “work” and “summer” are basically oxymorons, but we make one exception for exacting revenge on your conniving boss after she steals your idea without giving you proper credit. Go ahead, impersonate her for your own gain—so long as you don’t need her for a reference later on.
Kiss The Girls Summer
No queerbaiting allowed—in fact, sort of the opposite. Your main rivals are a creepy masked man who goes by Casanova and another sadistic POS by the name of the Gentleman Caller. I know, I know, those are also the codenames you and your friends have given for your two most recent Hinge dates. The important things to remember if you do decide to have this type of summer are to always be on the lookout and trust no one, especially men. Some unexpected twists include jumping off a cliff and arson. At least it’s more exciting than running into people you hate at Gurney’s. Hope you have good health insurance!
Images: Visual China Group via Getty Images/Visual China Group via Getty Images; Giphy (2); saralememe / Instagram
Let’s face it. We’ve basically been touch starved for over a year at this point and the skin hunger is real AF. Sex toys can only (literally) fill the void for so long since nothing can or will ever replace actual bodies sweating all over each other in bed. Well, good news! Are you vaxxed and DTF? Congrats. It’s finally your time to shine because Shot Girl Summer is right around the corner.
Say it with me: No more double masked bang seshes! No more avoiding kissing during sex! No more not having sex at all! It’s time to get realllll close after being apart for wayyy too long. In honor of this time when most folks are about to be vaccinated and ready to f*ck whoever accidentally brushes against their arm at the beach bar, you need to be prepared (read: know the best positions for heavy eye contact and makeout sesh potential). Don’t worry, we got you. Here are five super intimate sex positions once you’re ready to close that gap.
1. Yab Yum (AKA Lotus) Position
Good Vibrations staff sexologist Carol Queen, PhD believes this is the Greatest Intimate Position Ever. Why? “This is a position with tons of opportunity for kissing, talking, eye contact, upper body contact,” she says. “It’s a super-sweet one and all the touch-starved people must check it out as soon as they can.” Say no more–sign me tf up.
According to Queen, here’s how to get into it: The penetrating partner sits in lotus position (or with legs straight out for the Bad Knees Crew). The receiving partner sits on their lap, facing them, legs wrapped around the small of their back. The receiver will scootch onto the penetrator’s dick or dildo then both partners will put their arms around each other and ~gently rock~ together. To turn it up a notch or five, they note you’ll want good muscles for thrusting… or maybe just a solid headboard/something safe to grab onto to score more traction.
2. Missionary Position
Disclaimer: Queen prefers to calls this the “face-to-face, insertive person on top” position because they’re tired of the word “missionary” used to describe a sex position… and TBH, fair. Whatever you call it, a lot of people think this position is boring or vanilla, and I mean… it definitely can be. But it can also actually be really hot when done right.
Since you’re both facing each other, you can kiss, lock in that mid-penetration eye contact, and go harder than you would in the tantric Lotus position. Plus, it’s a seamless transition from hardcore makeout sesh to banging since you’re already (probably) both laying down. “All you have to do is lie on the bed and you can work it out. No yoga knowledge needed,” confirms Queen. We love putting in minimal effort for maximum pleasure.
3. “Cowgirl” Position
Next up: face-to-face, receiving person on top position — “sometimes called the ‘cowgirl,’ though honestly cows have nothing at all to do with it and you don’t have to ID as a girl to enjoy it,” explains Queen.
ICYMI: In this position, the receiving partner gets on top and straddles the insertive partner, who’s on their back. “This position can go from cuddly and cute to bucking on a bronc, and quite orgasmic for the ‘cowgirl’ thanks to the thrusting and freedom of movement involved,” she says. It’s also an awesome position if you’re trying to burn some calories. Hop on top and ride that D into the sunset like you’re in a really intense Peloton class? IDK. I haven’t worked out in over a year.
4. Lap Dance Plus F*cking
Got access to a chair, a person to bang, and some confidence? Sit their ass down then give them the happy ending of their dreams. “Do a lil’ striptease and lap dance (or don’t), and straddle the insertive partner, using the chair for leverage, and thrust and wriggle as desired,” says Queen. Be warned: don’t use that fancy chair or the flimsy seat you thrifted, if they might break. If you don’t trust any chairs in your apartment, swap in the couch or bed instead.
5. Spoon Position
Spooning doesn’t really allow for eye contact or kissing unless you want to contort your necks and bodies in potentially painful ways to make it happen. However! Lying back to front like this allows for whoever’s behind to get up close and personal in ~other~ ways (like kissing their partner’s neck or whispering sexy shit in their ear). “If you like other positions better than the face-to-face ones, or if you’re still not 100% on the safety of live-in-person-sex and you figure it’s a little safer if you face away, you can make the whole scene more personal and intimate with erotic talk, whether it’s all eye contact-y or not,” says Queen.
No matter how you do the deed this Shot Girl Summer, focus on enjoying the (literal) ride. After all, you’ve waited basically forever for this moment. Now go put that vax to good use and quench that thirst with the super hot, intimate sex
I’ve you’ve been dreaming of for the last year and a half.
Image: Julian Myles / Unsplash
I get it. The weather is warming up, the vaccine is starting to course (at least halfway) through many young people’s veins, and it feels like maybe, just maybe, we might get able to get back on track and start making the necessary moves to advance our life plans. I’m talking, of course, about meeting people—specifically, prospective romantic partners. What, you thought my life plan had to do with career advancements or personal accomplishments such as buying a house? Ha. Well, I mean, the pandemic probably fucked that up too, but my mom’s not hassling me about when I’m going to finally buy property. Anyway, this isn’t (really) about me. With the beautiful weather and vaccine rollout lulling us into a sense of something approaching normalcy, you are probably feeling some urges. Urges to, in the immortal words of Coach Carr, take off your clothes and touch each other. If you’re not feeling an indecent exposure charge, then maybe you just want to make out with a hot person in public. It’s completely natural, what with the whole being-cooped-up-with-no-company-but-your-thoughts-for-a-year thing! But before you go exchanging mRNA with the first person you set your eyes on, ask yourself: do you actually want to make out with them, or are they just a person you haven’t set eyes on in 13 months?
Below, a few factors to consider before getting your usually-masked area up close and personal with their usually-masked area.
Do You Know Their Name?
Not like it’s mattered before, but I suppose for contact tracing purposes it might be helpful to keep some identifying information on hand. A phone number, at least? Fine, an email address. A Snapchat handle? Make sure your carrier pigeon knows where to deliver your most recent test results, at least.
Close Your Eyes. Can You Recall Their Face?
You can’t use the darkness of the club or your inebriation as an excuse, so be honest with yourself. If your life were somehow dependent on it, could you actually recall this person’s face other than “uhh… they have eyes and… a nose”? Didn’t really think so. He’s probably not Mr. Right, or even Mr. Right Now, since he’s not even making an impact in your short-term memory.
Have You Exchanged Any Words With Them?
Any at all? Note that “hi” is only one word, and I specifically asked about words, plural. Maybe back in the club, one carefully placed eye-f*ck would be all you need for you and your mystery person to gravitate towards each other as if propelled by an invisible magnet and start sucking face. But in times where we don’t even see our own friends without making them verbally fill out a detailed health questionnaire, prolonged eye contact is no longer enough to initiate a public makeout… that is, unless you have them fill out a physical detailed health questionnaire. Is that HIPAA compliant?
Are You Confident They Haven’t Been To A Super Spreader Event In The Past 2 Weeks?
Do they seem like the type of person who has friends? If so, that could be a risk—one of those friends could have gotten married, or had a birthday, or just wanted to watch football on Sunday. What are the odds they’ve been to Florida within the past 14 days? Are they drinking a Red Bull vodka, doing a line, or wearing Bermuda shorts? If so, best to not take those odds. Make the sign of the cross with your fingers and stay far away (six feet).
Seriously, Do You Know Anything About This Person?
Do you have an eye color? Blood type? Just kidding, I don’t even know my own blood type (should I?). What color shirt are they wearing? Are they wearing a shirt? Can you identify a single element that attracted you to this person, or did your brain just immediately fire off, “PERSON!” when it detected a human life form in the vicinity?
Okay, Does Their Body Temperature Seem Within A Normal Range?
Are their cheeks flushed? Do they appear to be sweating or having the chills? No? Then you’re clear to approach them cautiously. Does their forehead feel warm to the touch? If you’ve already tried testing it with the back of your hand, try doing what your mom would do when you were a kid and putting your cheek to their forehead. Just my mom, then? Well, now that you’ve thoroughly made it weird, a makeout shouldn’t be too out of the question.
If you answered “yes” to any of these questions, I’m pleased to inform you that you meet the minimum requirements for a summer 2021-approved spit-swapping. Congratulations! You might want to take a little sniff inside your mask to make sure you don’t need to pop a mint or anything. Actually, scratch that—just get a mint either way. As far as how to kiss, a skill that’s no doubt been long forgotten, I can’t help you there. Best of luck, and try not to do anything weird.
Image: Lisanto 李奕良 / Unsplash