I honestly can’t even remember what happened last week on Jersey Shore Family Vacation, was it that uneventful? I vaguely remember the girls leaving while Pauly tried to commandeer a secret guy’s weekend that Mike almost ruined. Because he ruins everything. And J-Woww left early because she’s still mad about the f*cking Mother’s Day video. Anyway, we pick back up on Jersey Shore Family Vacation episode 7 in a not very surprising spot: Mike is stuffing his face and looking at himself in the mirror.
Mike: Thick is the new thin.
I mean true, but like, Mike, if I have to pretend to like kale and go to the gym, so do you. We all want to lie around and eat funfetti cake all the time but we don’t. It’s called being an adult. It sucks. You know what? Nevermind, f*ck this, let’s all get fat together and eat funfetti cake all the time.
Literally all I’ve wanted to do for my entire life:
Ronnie is ruining brunch as per usual by listing all the things he has to buy for his baby now that he and Jen are separating. Ron, just order this sh*t on Amazon Prime and shut the f*ck up. It’s taking longer for you to bore us to death by announcing every item than it would for one-click shipping.
Vin: We are having four guidos and a baby day. We want to go to Ron’s house and set everything up for the baby.
…Why are they trying to fight me? What did I do to deserve this kind of boredom? You guys used to be fun.
Ron makes a fat-shaming joke about Mike being pregnant (not cool Ron, it’s 2018), and Mike is all, “Whatever, it takes a real man to rock a dad bod.” Who’s going to tell him that his abs were his only redeeming quality?
Pauly: Since Donald Trump is president, any reality star can be president, so like, I should be president.
TBH, I would totally take President DJ Pauly D over Trump any day. What does that say about our country?
Ron fills in Pauly about Jenni leaving. Then we see Snooki driving to Jenni’s in Jersey. Oh, I swear to God, Jenni, if you f*cking mention that video again, I will cut you. Nicole is wearing MASSIVE fake eyelashes, which seem like a bit much for a fighting-with-a-friend-at-her-home kind of event.
Jenni: I left because I wasn’t into it and then you invited Angelina and then THE VIDEO…
Snooki: Why didn’t you call me and say it hurt your feelings that I wasn’t in the video?
Solid point, Snooki.
Jenni: But like how’s your new best friend?
So I guess hanging out with no one but children makes you a f*cking child yourself.
The guidos are shopping in the baby store. It’s all weird and sad.
Pauly to cashier: Do you have anything for when the dad cries more than the baby?
Scared cashier: Um. No.
Pauly then gets in trouble with her by putting a sticker of his own face over a baby’s face on a product. She makes him remove it so he sticks it on her back. It’s kind of funny.
So Jenni and Snooki are having a little b*tch fight where Jenni is saying she almost left without even telling her (not helping her case TBH), and Jenni is still complaining about Angelina. They just eventually give up and decide to let it go.
Jenni: It’s all about Namaste and hug that sh*t out and move on.
Okay Jenni, so let’s not EVER TALK ABOUT THE PASTA VIDEO AGAIN.
Jenni with this f*cking video:
So the guys go back to Ronnie’s house, where Jen has already moved out. Side note: Love how they keep dividing these scenes back and forth between the girls and guys because they are both sooo dull to sit through all at once. They walk in to find Ronnie’s huge TV smashed on the ground. Ron says he wasn’t even there for that rampage. They all go upstairs.
Pauly: Are we gonna do a reenactment?
Then they walk up what they refer to as the “famous staircase”. It’s the staircase where Jen was Instagram Live filming one of their fights.
Pauly: Ronnie’s hair looked terrible during that fight. I must have watched it four million times.
Mike: I actually don’t get starstruck by Ronnie’s stairs… you know what I’m saying?
They go upstairs and Jen has destroyed another TV. Like… why always the TVs? What did they ever do to you? The guys help Ron remove the damaged TVs. Naturally, the next step is to put the Baby Bjorn on Mike. He puts his bag of chips inside of it. He’s dancing with his chips. Oh my God, am I Mike? Is Mike me? I feel personally attacked.
They clean everything out and then they’re like, oh let’s eat.
Mike: Now you’re speaking my languages.
Mike, you can barely speak one language. Just stop.
The guys get ready to go out and I swear someone better cheat on their significant other because I am so over this baby stuff. Mike arrives wearing a yellow sweater.
Vin to Mike: Waddup, Curious George.
Why does Mike always wear pastel sweaters now? Is he auditioning to be a Chanel? Is this part of his “I Don’t Belong In Prison” scheme?
Ronnie pats himself on the back for keeping his temper the whole trip and everyone is like… is he… is he serious? He literally tried to fight some rando in the bathroom at the pool.
Pauly then announces that he and Vinny are having a bromitment ceremony. Where is Barney Stinson? We are really reaching for drama on this show. They legit pull up to a wedding chapel. They’re making Mike be the flower girl because he’s already dressed like one.
Wedding chapel person: Do you want to hear about our packages?
Pauly: I’m getting married because of his package if you know what I mean.
What is happening?
What am I watching?
What is happening to my life?
Pauly to Mike: Don’t eat the cake.
Mike helps Vin get ready and Ron helps Pauly.
Vin puts on a tiara and veil.
Vin: I look like a beekeeper.
Ron: This marriage is perfect, he’s white, you’re tan.
I have so many questions.
Vin to Mike: Don’t eat the cake.
Huh, maybe Vin and Pauly are meant to be.
Ron: This is the closest I’ve ever been to a wedding chapel in Vegas. It smells like regret.
Mike flower-girls down the aisle by throwing the flowers over his head. Vinny walks down the aisle.
Oh, they’re getting married by Elvis.
Pauly: I never pictured my bride to have a beard.
They show a montage of their friendship. Oh God, they have vows.
Pauly: Vinny. Ever since the moment you walked into that shore house. The second we worked together at the T-shirt shop. Before you had a beard. And I met your family in Staten Island. And I realized Staten Island was an actual island. I knew that it was gonna be you.
Vin: Pauly. We don’t look like we belong together. You’re orange, I’m pale. You have muscles, and I don’t. But at the end of the day, you’re the ying to my yang, and I want to do T-Shirt Time together for the rest of my life.
They do the rings.
Vin (in his interview): Don’t tell him I said this, but it’s a little gold ring, and the guy is covered with ice, like, get me some diamonds, bro.
They totally f*ck up the kiss and do a bro-y hug, complete with back pats so it’s not gay. (Seriously, why do men do this?) What did I just watch though?
Now Snooki is meeting up with Jenni and Angelina to work through their issues. Why don’t we just agree to stop inviting Angelina places? Problem solved. I’m getting another glass of wine to get through this. Snooki is giving Angelina advice on how to look classy while her hair looks like an insane Pomeranian.
Snooki: Remember how I invited you to Vegas so you could make up with Jenni?
Also Snooki: I don’t want to be in the middle of this.
Pauly is now molesting Vinny in bed while attempting to wake him up. Mike harasses Ron into being the first ones at the buffet. The woman working at the buffet says he’s been there so often, he’s like family. Mike and Ron are walking through the lines of the buffet and Mike is telling him every single dish.
Ron: How long have you worked here?
I assumed they were getting breakfast because they just woke up, but Mike is eating pasta, steak, mac and cheese, fried rice, and ice cream???
Since Mike and Ron are the only ones here and we already talked about food, obviously the only subject we can now discuss is Ron’s baby and baby mama. He says he hasn’t talked to Jen at all and it’s left to the lawyers now. Probs a good idea, considering she ran you over with her car for much less than this. Now that that topic is covered, we again go back to food.
Mike: I have to eat everything now because when I get home it’s back to the diet.
Ron: Will Lauren even recognize you?
Mike: She knows I hold my weight well.
Ugh, I wish I did. I look like Jack Skellington with a pot belly when I gain weight. Those PSLs are my true Nightmare Before Christmas.
Snooki calls Jenni and basically holds her to lunch with Angelina at gunpoint.
The boys are all looking at themselves and Mike is like, “damn boy you thicc”, to himself but like, he’s so thicc that Vinny can’t fit in the frame. They all go out to Drais, which Pauly claims is his “favorite” but I’m pretty sure it’s where his residency is, so it’s more like “pays his bills”.
They have a cabana with a hot tub and there are tons of girls in bikinis. Serious question: who wears a bikini to a nightclub? Like they obviously planned on going in the hot tub? It’s so weird.
Mike: What is this, a THOT tub?
Mike claims that all the girls are hitting on him. Somehow I doubt it, but sometimes people act weird and sad in order to get on TV, so it may be true.
Vin: They say it’s the thot that counts, but right now, I’m counting thots.
They’re bringing tons of girls home although the only people trying to hook up are Pauly and Vin. Why isn’t Ron? It’s like I don’t even know him now.
Pauly: We have a stripper pole in our shower.
Thot: Ooooh show me.
WTF, where do people like this exist?
ALSO, this girl walks through the whole hotel in nothing but her bikini. Like, you didn’t wear a cover-up over it at all? Don’t you have a purse? Or like… shoes? This floor is f*cking dirty!
Pauly leads the girl to the shower where she immediately takes her top off and starts dancing like a stripper. I’m beginning to suspect these women were paid.
Mike is horrified. He’s closing his eyes.
Mike: Asses are everywhere. Not today, Satan.
The thottiest thot walks up to Mike and says, verbatim, “wanna play?” confirming these girls were definitely paid. It’s like these guys are now so undesirable, the producers paid for strippers to make it seem like they could still smush like the good old days. Tragic.
The girls are twerking on everything and everyone. Again. Paiiiiid. Probs paid well. Mike orders burgers and fries that definitely look like they’re from In N Out. Except one girl has chicken nuggets??? They don’t sell those at In N Out.
One of the girls goes in and interrupts the smushing to give them burgers. Mike tries to go to sleep and some girl starts crawling all over Ronnie. (cough cough PAID.)
Pauly: This was the best trip ever, we had the Bromitment ceremony, Thotchella, and Four Guidos and a Baby.
That was like the last episode. Before that, nothing even happened except Jenni whined a lot and Jen tried to murder Ron.
I guess we’ll see next week when everyone is somehow back at The Shore??? Why is this happening?
Images: Giphy (7); MTV