Get in loser, we’re going shopping. But like, don’t worry, you don’t have to actually get dressed or anything because it’s all just online. Shop Betches is having a warehouse sale now through September 4 at 11:59pm, so if you happen to take a break from your Labor Day Weekend blackout, you should prob check it out. Or, don’t take a break from blacking out and send sober you a gift from drunk you. Whatever works.
Basically all of the shit you regret not buying before is back and ON SUPER SALE. This literally never happens in life so like, you’re welcome.
Stationery and tote bags are $10 and under, in case you need to send your BFF a cute card without being mushy or another place to shove all your shit before spin class.
All My Shit’s In Here Tote, $10
Shit for lazy betches aka pillow cases, hats, and sports bras are all between $11 and $15, so your lazy ass can continue to blow all your money on Seamless orders. The Not a Morning Person hat in royal blue is totally perf, as long as you don’t wear it with like, a baggy black shirt, gym shorts, box of Eggos and Gucci slides because then you will look like a skinnier Rob Kardashian.
Not a Morning Person Hat – Royal Blue, $15
If you’re a true boujee betch, check out the $16 to $25 range, which have tees, tanks and sweaters. Honestly, a graphic tee speaks a thousand words, which comes in so handy when you’re just really not in the mood to talk to a single human being. Plus, when do you ever see sweaters go on sale BEFORE it gets cold out? Never, that’s when. Don’t sleep on this.
Seriously, you’ll never have to speak to another moron again. The return on investment here is incredible. Wearing a shirt that says “Vodka Soda” so you can engage in as little conversation as possible with the dude trying to buy you a drink at the bar? Priceless.
Like all good things, this sale won’t last forever. RUN, don’t walk, to shopbetches.com now!!
Sad news for the basic among us, those liquid glitter phone cases you probably considered buying but then realized are incredibly tacky are apparently extremely dangerous. According to an ABC news report, the U.S. Consumer Product Safety Commission has announced a recall on several models of iPhone cases made by the company MixBin, because their mesmerizing glitter liquid was leaking out and burning people. Umm…wow. Who knew literally every girl who ordered a unicorn frappuccino un-ironically was also in possession of such a dangerous weapon? Sorry to all the Beckys of the world. I know your community has been hit the hardest. It’s survival of the least basic, or whatever it was that Darwin guy was talking about. This whole incident got us thinking, if glitter cases are the uniform for the basic, what do other iPhone cases mean? The phone case is, after all, wayyy more than just a tool to protect your phone from water damage. It also tells the world precisely how much of a hot mess you are. Honestly, dating apps should have a section where you’re asked to describe your phone case and whether or not you’re rocking an Android. It would save all of us a lot of trouble. So for those of you who are wondering what your phone case says about you, here is our heavily made up researched assessment:
Indestructible/Battery Phone Cases – The Reformed Mess
You’ve been burned one too many times, haven’t you? The carefree college days of taking your naked-ass phone out to the club and coming back with it shattered into a thousand pieces are finally over, and and now that your parents won’t pay for your replacements anymore you’re slightly older, it’s time to get serious. Maybe it was the time you put a full stiletto through your iPhone 4, or maybe it was the time your phone died and you lost everyone at Coachella, but you are done with the near-death experiences for now. Sure, your case ain’t cute, but it could literally get run over by a truck (you know because it has been) and comes with 3x the charge, meaning you can take as many Insta stories as you want without fear of hitting 1%. Honestly, good for you.
LuMee Case – The Selfie Freak
Your Insta followers recently hit the thousands and you just cannot risk bad lighting at this point in your hoeism career. We get it. You’re the girl who fills my feed with 10-20 perfectly lit, facetuned selfies daily, and for some reason I just cannot unfollow. Any time you pull out your phone for a pic, 15 randoms show up to hop in it because they know the picture will come out amazing and get a thousand likes. In many ways, this case has become your full-time job. Good luck with your life as a knock-off Kardashian. You’re doing amazing, sweetie.
The Wallet Phone Case – The Mess
Phone, keys, wallet? Yeah, that’s way too many things. You can barely remember to get out of bed in the morning, let alone remember both a phone AND a wallet. Nah. You need to minimize the damage you will inevitably do to your life on any given weekend by consolidating your shit into one easily remembered package. Honestly, if you can find a way to attach that shit to your body, maybe by sewing it into your hair or something, that would probably be best. The upside to this lifestyle is that you have less shit to drag around with you when you’re drunk and tryna be free. The downside is that when you do inevitably lose this, you’ve lost literally your entire life. But that’s also like, fine. You’ve fucked up worse and lived.
Personalized – The Psycho
This one goes out to the girl I saw senior year of college whose phone case was literally a bedazzled picture of her own face. You think I forgot that shit? No fucking way. I’ll never forget it. Sometimes I wake up with a cold sweat in the middle of the night still thinking about the unique set of life events that would lead a person to get a phone case of their own damn face. Wow. I’m actually getting upset thinking about it. Moving on…
Graphic Cases – The One That DGAF
Congratulations, betch! You don’t give a fuck to such a degree that you spent $20 on a paper-thin case that does nothing all because it has a funny/sarcastic/betchy saying on it. Honestly, you’re doing everything right. Either that, or you have no personality and are using the bold statement on your phone case to mask your inability to be bold in your actual life. Either way, we dig your style. And not just because we literally sell these cases. That’s totally not why. Don’t worry about it. But I mean, if you want to buy one…
Wooden/Marble/Whatever – The Real Adult
Okay. You’re classy. We get it. You “have a bank account” and “know your credit score” and shit. Good for you. Aren’t you fucking fancy. Enjoy your investments. You disgust me.
No Phone Case – The Dangerous Renegade
You live on the edge, and it disturbs me. What type of Patrick Bateman-ass rich psycho are you that you can just let your naked phone float around in the world with nothing to protect it? What if you drop it? What if you stand up and forget it is in your lap and it falls on the ground? What if you’re drunk and it falls out of your pocket while you’re in the bathroom and lands in the toilet? THESE THINGS CAN HAPPEN! Your devil-may-care attitude is affecting not only your life, but the life of your precious phone. You know what, that’s it. I’m calling the FBI.
READ: The Best Portable Phone Chargers So You Can Stop Bothering The Bartender
Nothing says “I’m super chill and totally have my life together” quite like an apartment full of candles. Like not crappy candles though, so don’t try Sears. Instead, check out the new chic yet funny af candles from Shop Betches!! Not only do these candles smell fucking amazing, but they say hilarious stuff that’ll make people think you’re like, sooo funny and charming just for owning them. We’re calling it the Get Lit collection so you already know what it’s about to be.
Maybe you need to cover up the smell of your roomie’s cat so no one mistakes you for the crazy cat lady? Perhaps you forgot to get your bestie a bday gift? Or maybe you need to spice up things in the bedroom since you haven’t added a new fuckboy to the roster lately? Whatever your reason, you’ll want these in your home, your fuckboy’s home, your parents’ home, your friend’s home…You get the point. If you weren’t already obsessed, they come in NEW chic AF packaging, making them the perfect gift for every ocassion. Just maybe choose wisely which one you buy for which ocassion. Or be super hipstery ironic about it IDGAF.
So here’s a list of them in no particular order:
Aww Honey, You Baked Candle
When a boy comes, you should always have something baked. We know you can’t even manage Tollhouse pull-apart cookies, so fFake it ’til you make it. This candle smells like chocolate chip cookies so you won’t even have to worry about setting a small fire in your oven.
Glow Me Candle
Don’t be mad at us if you get 16 of these candles sent to your house from various fuckboys trying to send a message. It’s Champagne scented so you can pretend to be classy…just like you pretend you don’t give head on the first date.
Wait Till You See My Wick Candle
For your friend who won’t give up her assertions that the 2000s was the golden age of hip-hop, this candle smells like cucumbers, everyone’s favorite smelling dick-shaped health food.
And because we’re like, such good people we brought back our best-selling OG line of candles! Here’s the lineup in case you forgot:
Zen AF Candle
You loved it, you bought it, and now we brought it back. This candle smells like grapefruit for the healthy yoga goddess within you. I mean honestly I’ll probs just light this one and pretend I do yoga and eat salads as I watch Netflix on the couch. Whatever. Still zen AF.
Lit Candle
This one smells like wine and roses which makes it super classy. You can pretend to be mature and light it at your next wine and cheese party. Who am I kidding? You can just light it at the pregame instead. That’s kinda what it’s for.
Set The F*cking Mood Candle
This one smells like vanilla which, TBH, is such a neutral smell it’ll please everyone. Plus the label is censored so people will know you’re chill enough to drop an F bomb or two, but also you know how to keep things vanilla appropriate.
So what are you waiting for?? Shop the Get Lit collection now!!
