It’s no secret that the relationships in Game of Thrones are…messy. You thought dating in New York was rough? Welcome to the Seven Kingdoms, where you might accidentally fall in love with your aunt and be none the wiser. Yikes. Awkward that we all spent seasons shipping a nephew and his aunt. If only the Lords and Ladies of Westeros had a dating app like Ship, maybe they’d spend more time hooking up with their local (not blood related) hotties rather than plotting the death of everyone around them. Or like, maybe that could stop all the incest. Maybe???
But since Ship doesn’t exist in the Westeros, we’ve gone ahead and decided what the ideal Game of Thrones pairs would be for them. All of the following matches ignore current relationships on the show and operate in a blissful world where no one has died and the Battle of Winterfell didn’t devastate us beyond repair. I’m not ready to talk about it.
Robb Stark & Margaery Tyrell
Admittedly, this started as an aesthetic pairing more than anything else. Robb and Margaery would have been the hottest couple in Westeros, full stop. But the more I think about it, the better this couple becomes. Maybe Robb’s dumb ass would have stayed alive if he had had someone as cunning and manipulative as Margaery by his side. The might of the Starks and the scheming of the Tyrell’s working together against the Lannisters? Cersei is shaking. Sure, Margaery would have frozen to death at Winterfell in those Nasty Gal cutout dresses of hers, but love comes with sacrifice.
Cersei Lannister & Oberyn Martell
Okay, hear me out. Yes, these two despise each other. Yes, there’s a lot of baggage there. Yes, Cersei indirectly murdered Oberyn and much of his family, but to be fair she’s indirectly murdered a lot of people. I think all of that could be overcome, based solely on the blatant sexual tension that existed between these two on screen. Perhaps this could have something to do with the rumors that Lena Heady and Pedro Pascal are an item in real life, but I think it goes even beyond that. They’d be the couple that fights constantly just so they can have over the top make up sex, and I, for one, would be okay with that.
Sansa Stark & Podrick Payne
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: my true dream for Sansa is that she survives all the sh*t that’s about to happen and goes on to live a long, fulfilling, single life with zero men and one hundred wolves by her side. Just the Lady of Winterfell, existing in total peace, surrounded by her pack of loyal dogs. However, if I had to pair her with anyone, it would be Sex God Podrick Payne. After years of relentless mental and physical abuse, our girl Sansa has earned a lifetime of good dick and being sung to sleep, two areas that we know Podrick can deliver in.
Yara Greyjoy & Daenerys Targaryen
The lesbian power couple that Westeros needs. Remember the raging sexual tension? The cavalier marriage proposal? The smirks? This one writes itself. I give Daenerys one more week of Jon’s brooding before she flies off to the Iron Islands to live a zombie-free life with her girlfriend.
Jaime & Literally Anyone Who Isn’t His Sister
Obviously Brienne is my first choice here, but I’m not going to be picky. Let’s do some quick math and breakdown just how many people Jaime could be sleeping with that aren’t his sister. According to a series of fan blogs and what appears to be an insane amount of research into populations and migration habits and world building, it is estimated that there are around 40 million people in Westeros. Even if there are 1 million distantly related Lannisters (there aren’t), that leaves 39 million people for Jaime to be in a relationship with. If we continue to operate under the assumption that Jaime is straight, as he’s never given us any indication otherwise, and cut that number in half, we’re down to 19.5 million. Now let’s assume that only a third of those women are viable contenders age-wise for Jaime, which brings us to about 6.5 million. Maybe only 1% of those 6.5 million are in a high enough class to land the great Ser Jaime Lannister. I get it, he’s not going to end up with a commoner. That still leaves him 65,000 options.
I ship Jaime with literally any of them over his twin sister. Unfortunately, all we can do IRL is watch Game of Thrones and hope we make it out with at least one successful relationship. But if you’re a person who would rather take a more active role in the love lives of those around you, download Ship, where you can find matches for your friends and family, and get to shipping in a nonfictional and productive way.
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Sponsored by Ship
Navigating the world of online dating is difficult for me, because there is an essential vetting process involved (so you don’t end up going out to drinks with a serial killer—or worse, someone who works in finance), and yet, I really suck at vetting. The reason being, I have a type when it comes to men, and that type is flaming piles of garbage masquerading as humans. In college, I tended to date preppy frat guys whose idea of showing me a good time involved letting me sub in for their roommates during a beer pong game. Ah, romance! Suffice it to say, I could really use some help in the dating department, and there’s no one who wants to get their hands on my love life more than my friends. For the last seven years, these people have seen me get ghosted, engage in long-term Snapchat relationships with dudes I’ve matched with, and just generally date the real-life equivalent of Dean on Bachelor in Paradise. So I’m willing to give the girls who have seen me ugly cry into a vat of ranch dip a chance at playing matchmaker.
Enter: Ship, Betches’ new dating app which lets your friends find matches for you. It doesn’t matter if they’re single, married, dating, or pretending their dog counts as a significant other (looking right at you, Heather!), they all can help match you tf up. Imagine if that episode of Friends where Rachel Green said “You know what? I just shouldn’t be allowed to make decisions anymore” was your dating reality. Now stop imagining it, because it’s real, and it’s called Ship.
So let your friends do the Lord’s work, because these are the types of the guys they’ll try and set you up with on Ship.
The Business Bro
This is a guy who has an actual career, and I don’t mean as a full-time promoter of his own podcast. I mean he has a solid 9-5 job and can actually afford to cover your tab at the bar. As I mentioned earlier, I tend to fall for guys who are
losers works in progress. And while money isn’t everything in a relationship, it certainly f*cking helps if you’re not having to foot the bill (and their cocaine problem) every time you go out. I’ll admit I’m a little intimidated by guys who seem to have their sh*t together, because what if they actually treat me right?? And, like, expect me not to keep them at an emotional arm’s-length away?? How will I stay funny?? Yeah, that’s terrifying. That said, your friends will definitely try and push you toward a guy like this because, like that third shot of tequila they shoved down your throat last Friday night, they know what’s good for you even if it’s a little hard to swallow.
The One Who Has A Dog
Guys with dogs have a 98% success rate with me, because I just assume that if they have a dog then they’re decent human beings. This isn’t always the case. Sometimes, the guys who post dog pics in their dating app bios are just f*ckboys hiding behind a very cute dog, or worse yet, manipulative AF, because they just stole their friend’s dog for a sec and passed it off as their own. This is the world we live in, ladies! Luckily, this is why you have good friends who can see beyond the golden retriever puppy, to the guy holding said puppy, and see if he should actually be allowed to breathe the same air as you. Instead of just “settling for the guy who has a dog” (hi), they’ll set you up with “the guy who has a dog AND a 401(k).” And then they’ll tell you, for the 100th time, what a 401(k) is.
The Guy Who’s Not “Your Type”
This is usually the type of guy my friends will try and set me up with, because as I mentioned earlier, my type is trash. Maybe this means they set me up with someone who actually seems emotionally available or who isn’t, like, actively dating someone else. Wow. That’s wild. I feel like a lot of times, I’m turned off by one attribute in a guy’s profile, like if he says he’s really into the outdoors, or if he wears too much flannel and seems like a hipster, because that’s not *typically* what I go for. But this is why I love my friends! They never hesitate to throw me off the proverbial cliff and into the arms of a guy who might actually be great, despite the fact that he mentioned he puts pineapple on his pizza.
The Guy With A Sick Apartment
Much to my mother’s dismay, I prefer to save my money and rent a space that’s about as legally close as I can get to a trap house without the DEA being called, rather than spend more than half my paycheck on what you may call an “adult apartment.” Obviously, this means I have to be deep into a relationship to invite a guy back to my place. So in the early stages of dating, I need to find a guy whose apartment is more suitable to spend time in than mine (not a high bar, but still). With Ship, my friends are able to suss out eligible bachelors with any of the following: a balcony, a dishwasher, a washer/dryer in-unit, or even the Holy Grail of New York apartments…a door man. In other words, my friends will find what’s best for me, even if I don’t want the best for myself.
The One Who Respects Women
Whether it’s a guy holding a baby girl who he has to specify in his profile is his niece, or a cute posed photo with his mom, there are ways to tell by looking at his profile if a guy might be down for the cause (and the cause to which I am referring is feminism). Someone with strong female influences in his life is probably more likely to tolerate my
daily weekly rant about the patriarchy and march alongside me at the next Women’s March. (That’s not a scientific study or anything, just my anecdotal experience.) However, whereas I might see a profile picture of a guy and a super hot girl and immediately swipe left because I feel threatened and possibly lied to, my friends might have the foresight to be like “Wait. Are you sure that’s not his sister?” And then they can have me message him to ask if it’s his sister. That’s what friends are for, am I right? And to think of all the woke baes I’ve let slip through the cracks, just because I’m judgmental!
So if you, like me, are willing to let
Jesus your friends take the wheel on your dating life, download Ship and let them start matching for you. You’ll probably be pleasantly surprised with the types of guys they’re able to find.
Images: Giphy (3)
Guys, it takes a lot for me to not sound like a complete psycho as I navigate through online dating. I literally use a committee of my best betches to sift through all my matches, what I should say, what he says back, and all over again. It is exhausting and a lot of work overall—like, hi? I have a life, I have to write for Betches, and pet my dog. But recently I started using the Betches dating app, Ship, which totally streamlines the process. It lets you date as a collective group, and gives your friends the ability to match for you. You can also match for your friends, even though most of my friends are in love and getting married. It’s so much easier to figure out the right thing to say when everyone can see the info the second it comes in. Also, if I match with someone a little questionable by mistake, my friends can v quickly vet the difference between “aw, loves his mother” and Norman Bates. If you need help online dating, I totally suggest using Ship and getting your friends to help you out. Since I never know what to say, here are some of my friends’ favorite suggestions for the best opening dating app lines. Apparently they know their sh*t, because, as I mentioned, they’re all f*cking getting married.
Hi, how’s your day going?
Clearly none of my friends lost any brain cells trying to come up with this one. But as one friend put it, this is a classic for a reason, as it seems cool, casual, and like you’re not trying too hard. It also gives them the chance to reveal something about themselves like, “Oh, super busy, because I’m a doctor”, or to totally bro out and ruin it with a “good, u?”.
Hey, unoriginal cheesy pick-up line or boring conversation starter. What do you prefer?
Best pickup line: I’ll buy you food
— College Student (@ColIegeStudent) February 22, 2019
This one was actually a find from Elite Daily, but my friends all agreed it’s super cute and painfully accurate. Depending on what they pick (or both!), you get to find the worst pickup lines of all time OR purposefully come up with the most boring questions imaginable, which somehow sounds kind of fun. This line makes you look like you don’t take yourself too seriously, which is really important when attempting to date internet strangers.
Okay, but whose dog is that in your profile picture?
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Does s/he love animals? Do they love them as much as I do? These are the real hard-hitting questions that I need answers to immediately. (More specifically, I need to know that you love dogs but that the dog in your pic is actually not your dog, because my dog does not like other dogs and you have to love mine the most. It gets complicated!) This question is great because 1, you get to talk about the best subject ever, dogs, and 2, if it’s theirs, you get to learn more about their life, or if it’s their mom’s, etc.
What do you like to do on a typical Sunday?
Me: I’m really big on self-care.
What people think I mean: working out, eating healthy, meditating
What I actually mean: blacking out at brunch and watching true crime documentaries
— Betches (@betchesluvthis) February 24, 2019
My friends all agree that you can tell a lot about a person based on their Sunday schedule. One of my friends wakes up at 8am to work out before spending time with her family. I’m more of a still-drunk-from-last-night-but-down-to-throw-on-deodorant-and-get-mimosas kind of girl. Last night’s eye makeup can be today’s smoky eye if you just believe in yourself. Then I spend the day watching true crime-based Lifetime movies in sweats. Sundays are the truest way to find if you are compatible, like if you work every Sunday and aren’t down to order pizza, I don’t think it’s true love, sorry.
With Ship, it’s super easy to share messages with your crew to get a second (or in my case, third, fourth, fifth, sixth since everyone feels a need to be involved here) opinion on your best opening lines. Go ahead, try out these dating app lines and let me know in the comments if you have some different ones that worked out for you!
Last week, we launched our dating app, Ship, designed to make dating fun again. Ship allows you and your friends to combine forces, so instead of dreading dating apps, you can get the whole group finding matches for each other. If you haven’t already downloaded the app and started Shipping for yourself and your friends, now is the perfect time. There are more matches than ever out there waiting, so here’s exactly what you need to know to get the most out of the app.
One of the best things about Ship is that it’s not just for single people. If you’re in a relationship, you can still download and find matches for your single friends. When you open the app for the first time, you’re immediately asked if you’re single or in a relationship, and your experience is customized from there. If you’re single AF, your entire app interface is purple, but it turns teal if you’re in a relationship. No confusion here, so you don’t have to feel weird about your s/o seeing a dating app on your phone if you’re in a relationship. Also, if you’re not single, your profile is just a pic so the people in your crew know who are, so you don’t have to overthink which photos make your arm look skinny. Praise be.
If you’re single, this is your time to shine. You’ll be prompted to set up your profile, and then you can invite friends to join your crew. Your crew page is split into two tabs–chat and activity. The chat tab is like your group text, except you no longer have to worry about taking screenshots and sending them to the wrong person. You can send profiles to your group and discuss right in the app, making it easier than ever to get feedback from your friends.
The activity tab is where you can keep track of any new matches and see who your friends have been choosing for you. You can see who’s responsible for each yes or no, so you can really tell who’s putting in the work and who’s just here to talk sh*t.
When you’re matching for yourself, you’re the one calling the shots, but you can still get some help from your crew. If you want more input on a profile, you can easily send it to your crew, either before you make a decision, or after you match. Your friends probably know you better than you know yourself, so they’ll give you the feedback you really need.
Finding matches for yourself is great, but Ship also lets you do a good deed and help out your friends. At the top of the Discover page, there’s a box where you can easily switch between all of your single friends on the app. The profiles will automatically adjust to meet their preferences on location, age, and gender, so you can start finding great matches for them right away.
Going through the profiles works the exact same way when you’re matching for someone else, except you don’t have to worry about whether to message them first later. You can also send profiles to the crew of whoever you’re matching for, so you don’t make any questionable matches. You wouldn’t find a date without asking your friends if they looked good with you first, right? Right.
Whether you’re the single friend who loves to be a social butterfly, or the married friend with too much time on your hands, Ship makes it easy to find matches for all your friends.
Ship is available in the App Store, so download it now so you and your friends can finally start having fun with dating apps.
Since we started Betches in 2011, the core of our brand has always been the power of female friendships. The three of us have supported each other through childhood, college, relationships, starting a business, and everything in between, so we know the importance of friendship. Over the years, we’ve expanded our focus on dating and relationships from answering your “Dear Betch” emails with dating advice since 2011, to our second book I Had a Nice Time And Other Lies, and our U Up? podcast and live shows. Through these platforms, we’ve had the opportunity to explore how we date, and what’s missing from the modern dating landscape. As millennials, dating apps are a part of our collective experience, but the way we connect on these apps doesn’t mimic the real-life interaction that happens when people are out with friends. That’s why we’re excited to announce our new dating app, Ship, built to bring social connection back to dating.
We build our lives around the connections and friendships that matter the most to us, and Ship allows us to be there for our friends as they navigate the world of dating. You no longer have to get your friends to wear disguises and sit across the bar on your first date, because we have something even better. Ship allows your friends to match for you, and you can send profiles in the in-app group chat before or after you match. The chat makes it easy for your friends to discuss a match (and spot any red flags or hidden gems) before you commit to a date. Ship brings friends together, even if they’re at different places in life. If you’re in a relationship, but love playing matchmaker for your single friends, now you can make your own account and choose on their behalf.
Ship is available in the App Store, so download now and invite your whole crew. We’re excited to enter this new chapter together, and we hope you’ll all join us.
Aleen, Sami, and Jordana
co founders of betches
P.S. How well do we actually know each other? Watch us play Dating Secrets Revealed aka the Newlywed Game, but with dating dealbreakers