To quote every bride who has ever done boudoir: “Do it, you won’t regret it!” Whether you’re talking to your friends at brunch, your co-worker at happy hour, or just scanning posts from random girls in a Facebook group, there’s one thing most brides who’ve done boudoir can agree on: it’s f*cking awesome. Whether stripping down to your panties and taking glorified nudes has always been a part of your wedding plan or the new trend just has you thinking about it, we’re breaking down everything you need to know about not only doing a bridal boudoir shoot, but making it your b*tch.
First of all, the idea is scary to almost everyone at first. Getting naked (or naked-ish) in front of a stranger and taking pictures that you’re going to show to at least one other person sounds like a way to get a reality show, not celebrate your upcoming marriage. If taking photos of your scantily-clad body sounds shocking, the price tag can be even more so. The last thing most couples want to do after spending a sh*t ton of money on their wedding (and on potentially rescheduling their weddings, thanks to covid) is spend more money. The engagement photos and wedding photos are already astoundingly pricey, so why would you add another set of pictures onto the final price tag? Basically, because it makes you feel amazing. It makes your spouse feel amazing. And if you’re not going to take bangin’ nude photos of yourself now, when the hell will you?
So, whether you dream of your future husband or wife getting a pic of you rocking your garter (and only your garter) before walking down the aisle or you just want something you can look back on you’re old and wrinkled, here’s everything you need to know about doing a boudoir shoot. Warning: Your pic game is about to level TF up.
Images: D’Nichole Photography LLC
What’s The Investment?
One of the first things you’ll notice when looking for a boudoir photographer is that most of their websites talk about the importance of the investment without saying the prices. That, or you’ll get a cost that will make you low-key want to vomit. A lot of boudoir studios—while professional, talented, and all-inclusive—come with BIG price tags. Not only do you pay for hair and makeup (and sometimes access to their costume closets), but you have to purchase individual photos instead of just getting a Dropbox link with like, 30 pics (which you can then make into a book via Shutterstock or Walgreens for less than $100 as the most amazing wedding gift to your S.O. ever.)
When this is the case, oftentimes the cost of the shoot is anywhere from $100-$500. But, this is just for the shoot itself. After you have a “reveal” session where you can your photographer go through the images, select the ones you like, and add any final edits. This is how the cost gets real expensive, with each photo or file ranging from $10-$100. If you want the photographer to print a book for you, the cost goes up even more.
Don’t get me wrong—these photos are gorgeous, and if you have the means or really want an all-inclusive experience, go for it! But if you’re looking for a cheaper option (which is what I did), there are photographers out there who take photos that are just as gorgeous, but without all the additional fees. For my shoot, which took about an hour and a half, I paid $150. We shot in a gorgeous hotel in Austin (she booked multiple clients throughout the day), I provided my outfits, I did my own hair and makeup, and I even brought my own Champagne. If I do say so myself, the results are as good as people who paid $1,000, with just a little more work on my end.
How Do You Find A Photographer?
Whether you want an all-inclusive experience where you pay per photo or something that costs a little less, the best way to find a photographer is through Instagram. Search hashtags in your city or state (like, #AustinBoudoir #AustinBoudoirPhotography or #AustinBoudoirPhotographer) and do some digging. See whose photos/styles you like and whose you don’t. Doing this, you’ll come across photographers that range from all-inclusive to just getting started. Once you find a few you like, send them an email or DM to get prices, and don’t be afraid to negotiate. If you want something added or removed from a package—or if the shoot is still out of your budget—let them know! Chances are they’ll be able to work with you or refer you to someone else.
Images: Rebecca Jordan Photography
How To Prep Emotionally
Not to sound like some new-age guru, but the key to feeling sexy is to think you’re sexy. No matter how “traditionally” hot you are, chances are you have an area or patch or section you don’t feel great about. Everyone does. Boudoir isn’t one of those “I’ll wait until I lose three pounds” kind of things. It’s more of an “I’m hot exactly as I am” kind of thing. A good photographer works with and celebrates all body types and knows how to pose you so your end results are bomb.
Instead of going into the event feeling scared and shamed, spend some time pumping yourself up, just as you would if a friend was doing the shoot. Compliment yourself. Check yourself out. Focus on everything that makes you a catch and remember that these photos are about feeling good just as much as they are about looking good (but don’t worry, you’re gonna look good—I promise).
Images: D’Nichole Photography LLC
How To Prep (Physically)
While it’s all about feeling good, for most of us, looking good for a big event helps boost self-confidence. First, think about the feel of your shoot. Do you want something casually sexy? Full-glam and sultry? Naughty-yet-bridal? Chat with your photographer, make a Pinterest board with inspiration, and have a plan for how you want the photos to look. Once you do that, prep yourself like you would for any other important situation where photos are involved.
Remove any unwanted body hair, moisturize, utilize those makeup skills you picked up on YouTube, and style your hair to go along with whichever vibe you’re shooting. It’s always a good idea to bring a curling iron, some bobby pins, makeup, and hairspray with you to the shoot (whether you’re doing your own makeup or getting it done professionally) for touchups or a quick changeup of looks. You don’t need to crash diet, cut carbs, or work out endlessly to physically prepare for the shoot. If you aren’t sure which poses flatter your body, ask your photographer for help. Let the pros do their jobs and be kind to your body.
Images: Rebecca Jordan Photography
What Do You Wear?
It should come as no surprise that you can pretty much wear (or not wear) anything to a shoot and make it sexy. While heading to the shoot (or waiting for the photographer to arrive), however, wear loose-fitting clothes to help eliminate any unwanted creases in your skin. When it comes time for the shoot, here are a few favorites to create some ~memorable~ images:
- Your bridal lingerie set (for the night of the wedding)
- Any lingerie set
- A piece of your future spouse’s clothes, like a jersey or tie
- Loooong socks and an oversized sweater
- Your wedding veil and garter
- High heels and over-the-knee boots
- A corset and thong
- A silk robe
- A white, fluffy towel
Just a note, the more you bring, the better. You never know what inspiration will strike, what lighting will look great, or what outfit you’ll wish you would have worn. While it’s important to try on all of your looks ahead of time (just to ensure everything fits and feels good), throw some extras in your bag as well.
Images: D’Nichole Photography LLC
What Happens At The Shoot?
While every photographer and experience is different, in general, it’s all pretty straightforward. You’ll arrive at the venue (or they’ll come to you). You’ll chit-chat for a few minutes. You’ll go over ideas and inspiration for the shoot (if you haven’t shown them your inspiration photos, now’s the time). Then, you’ll throw on some music, pop some Champagne, and get changed while they test the lighting.
After that, just follow the photographer’s lead—they’ll help you pose. The key to great pictures is to keep moving. Pretend you’re on America’s Next Top Model and just do sh*t. Dance around, flip your hair, move your face in different ways and directions. Arch your back, arch your feet, grab your boobs. Laugh, don’t laugh, pout, preen. The more you move, the more options you’ll have. Your photographer will direct you but don’t be afraid to speak up. Want to try something? Just say it. It’s your shoot, and their job is to create images for you. It’s better to do tons of different poses (no matter how silly you feel randomly crawling on the floor) so there are lots of options when it comes time to select your favorite photos.
Images: D’Nichole Photography LLC
How To Make It Not Weird
Before booking the shoot (or while finalizing the preparations), make sure your photographer is cool with you bringing a friend or two along. Pick pals who are not only pros at posing (yes, the friend with lots of followers will come in handy here), but aren’t afraid to both direct you and hype you up. While you want to be told how great you look, you also want to be told if you’d look a million times better if you just turned to your left half an inch. Give them your inspo Pinterest board so they can speak up about any additional looks you might want to accomplish and have them at the ready for fixing stray hairs, smudged makeup, or letting you know when you need to pull your cleavage up.
Additionally, a playlist that makes you want to dance around is your secret weapon. Blast all of your cheesy, feel-good, belt-at-the-top-of-your-lungs music. While the end result of boudoir is great, enjoying the experience and letting yourself feel like a f*cking rockstar will make you love it before you even see the end result. Also, it should go without saying, but Champagne is an absolute essential.
According to Urban Dictionary (aka the most credible source for sexual terms), a kink is a “sexual taste” specifically for a person or behavior. However, although a kink tends to be something sexual you enjoy that isn’t “normal,” it really is dependent on the person and like, the time. For example, I’m sure your great grandma thought a hot makeout sesh using tongue was v kinky but now that’s just how people say hello. Kidding, sort of. But, a kink isn’t to be confused with a fetish, which is typically “a sexual fixation or obsession with a usually non-sexual object” (or body part, per Merriam-Wester). But people tend to use them interchangeably, which I hope you won’t after this article.
According to the Daily Mail, the main difference between the two is a kink is enjoyed but isn’t necessary for arousal, whereas a fetish is needed every time you do the dirty. According to a study done by SKYN (yes, the condom brand), they found that people want more kinkiness or fantasy in their sex lives—precisely, 84% of people, according to “The Bondage Survey.” So maybe we should stop having shame in the kink game. Here are some of the most common sexual kinks. Who knows, maybe it’ll give you some ideas (or feel less embarrassed about what you like in bed).
According to The Journal of Sex Research, 35% of the 1,040 Canadians they studied, enjoyed voyeurism, which is the act of watching other people have sex. TBH this shouldn’t be that surprising out of the most common sexual kinks if you just think about how many people watch porn. Also not surprising? It’s more common that men enjoy this kink than women. Just don’t be creepy and watch people through their windows or whatever (since it’s a sexual offense and all and we’d have to call the Special Victims Unit).
To make things even more confusing, a fetish is among the most common sexual kinks (44.5% desiring it) but a kink isn’t necessarily a fetish. Guess it’s kind of like how a square is a type of rectangle but a rectangle isn’t a square? Although fairly common for men and women, females are slightly more likely to enjoy a fetish. Remember, a fetish is being aroused by a typically non-sexual object. So although you might automatically think “foot fetish” when someone says fetish, that’s not all there is. Remember the My Strange Addiction episode when the guy admitted he has sex with his car? Yeah, there are levels to this.
3. Coupled Exhibitionism
Aka being naked (flashing) or having sex in public. Just over 30% of people want to get down and dirty in public with their partner. Be careful: like voyeurism, exhibitionism is another one of the most common sexual kinks that can land you in jail. Penalties for public indecency or “lewdness” (as the criminal code states) is dependent on state laws, so do your research before venturing outdoors.
The Journal of Sex Research found that 19% of people enjoyed this kink. Masochism is “The deriving of sexual gratification, or the tendency to derive sexual gratification, from being physically or emotionally abused.” Or slightly less intense, “The feeling of pleasure (sexual) from being hurt.” So if you like a good spanking while having sex, you may enjoy one of the most common sexual kinks.
This might come as a shock, but infantilism, or engaging in child-like behavior, is actually a fairly common kink. It typically involves the man acting like a baby and their partner role-playing as the mom or nanny. It most commonly includes an adult diaper but can also involve a crib, pacifier, bottles, and speaking gibberish. If you decide to try this one out, just make sure your safe word is something other than “goo-goo-ga-ga.”
Chances are you’ve already done this one. If you or your partner have tied each other up (even using those innocent-looking fuzzy handcuffs) you’ve engaged in bondage. This one is part of the dominant-submissive roles that so many people love. If you’re super into it, you might relate to Christian Grey more than others. If you want to incorporate this but don’t know how, check out these easy BDSM moves.
This is a super common kink that so many people don’t even realize it counts as a kink. Role-playing lets you act out your craziest fantasies without being socially inappropriate or risk being arrested. If you have a medical fantasy, act out a patient-doctor scenario with your partner. Or if a school fantasy is more your style, pretend to be a teacher and your partner is your student. The scenarios are endless, which makes it always fun.
8. Group Sex
This can be a threesome or even an orgy (aka with more than three people). If you aren’t so down to get down with people other than your partner, try incorporating some sex toys to get the pleasure of different sensations without having to bring in (or talk to) another person.
Ever wonder why people are so insistent to get a lingerie set for their wedding night? Technically, since lingerie is an inanimate object, this one can be referred to as a fetish. But either way, even people who don’t consider themselves kinky often enjoy this common kink. So many women own sexy underwear, a cute teddy, or some stockings. Whip them up and get kinky. Don’t know what to buy? Here’s our guide to lingerie.
Whatever your kink may be, make sure you always are engaging in consensual sex and have fun. Sex doesn’t have to be so damn serious.
Images: Giphy (9)
I’ll be honest—until a few weeks ago, I didn’t know that oral sex even had positions. I could sum up all the positions I knew for getting head like this: lying down. And while I’ve literally listed “lying down” as a hobby on my
resume Instagram, I feel dumb AF for not switching it up sooner. After all, regular sex feels vastly different depending on position. Smart betch that you are, I’m sure you’ll understand why the same thing is true for oral sex. Learn from my mistakes and try the following oral sex positions ASAP.
Live On The Edge
I’m going with abstract headers here, because I refuse to invent more ridiculous titles for sex positions. Find a (sturdy) counter high enough that your feet don’t touch the ground, and sit right on the edge. Your partner should get on their knees in front of you. Leg positioning is up to you, but spreading your legs (or your partner holding them back) or keeping your knees wide but resting your lower legs on his back (for added control) both feel amazing. If lying flat on your back makes you feel a little overly exposed—or if it just doesn’t give him access to what gets you off—this is a good move. You’ll have complete control of pace, angle, and pretty much everything else.
*Insert Joke About The Letter V*
Okay, so Cosmo actually calls this “The Deep V,” but for obvious reasons, I didn’t want to lead with that. It’s actually some pretty great advice for a really simple variation on oral sex. You lift your legs in a—you guessed it!—V shape (hold ankles or knees, whatever flexibility allows). He—yup, guessed it again—goes down on you. BUT he also uses his hands to “lightly massage your inner thighs.” According to Cosmo, this brings more blood to your “~*~VuLvA~*~” (aka makes the whole area feel even more sensitive and stimulated). Do I recommend using the words “blood” or “vulva” in a casual hookup situation? Yes, because I love seeing fear in men’s eyes maybe not. But feel free to just direct his hands to your thighs and gently demonstrate how you’d like to be touched. If he’s not completely clueless, he’ll follow your lead.
Get on all fours, but the one where you’re on your forearms and it’s a face down/ass up situation *Ludacris’s “What’s Your Fantasy” plays on a loop in my head for the remainder of the day*. (You can stay on your hands and knees if you want, but it’s more of a human centipede angle. Do not recommend.) If you’ve never had someone eat you out from behind before, prepare to be hit with a whole new world of oral sex possibilities. (Not even talking about ass stuff yet, chill out). The point is, you’ll probably find out a lot of new information about what gets you off and where you like to be touched the first time you try this, because it’s a totally different experience and you have the (literal) upper hand, so you can guide him wherever you like.
Sit On His Face
No real need to be clever or overly detailed here, you all know what this is. Sadly, it’s been so meme-ified that you all probably know it more in the context of a compliment a gross man would give a woman than as an actual sexual act. And I’ll be honest, it’s not my favorite. But it does incorporate one element I love in particular: power and control. You’ll notice a lot of these other positions offer the same bonus. But clearly, men aren’t always getting the orgasm job done on their own. If you want something done right, put a woman in charge. When you sit on someone’s face, you’ve achieved the ultimate level of power. You get off on exactly the pressure and pace you want, and you also get off on the sheer feeling of running the show.
One word of advice for this particular position: don’t rest the full weight of your lower body on his face for any amount of time. It’s rude, it’s slightly dangerous, and it probably will not feel that great for you either. Treat it like a light thigh workout and remember that this is about feeling powerful—not planting your weight directly over someone’s air supply.
What not to do:
While these positions are a great way to get started, the real takeaway is simple. You have to treat oral sex like all other kinds of sex. And that means the first thing you try almost definitely isn’t going to be what works best for you. So keep experimenting until you know exactly what gets you off best. There’s a reason that blow job articles are all about making it better for you, not for him. His orgasm is basically guaranteed—so make sure yours is too.
Images: Giphy (4); Unsplash
If you clicked on this article, you probably don’t feel like a hand job expert. While this isn’t exactly a core life skill, you obviously want to feel like you could give a hand job without fucking it up if you ever needed to. For example, if you’re a virgin who can’t drive dating a guy who’s into that. Obviously, you should never do anything you don’t want to do in bed. But it’s also possible that you want to satisfy this particular need—you just don’t know where to start. Luckily, a few simple steps can go a long way. So fake some enthusiasm, remember that practice makes perfect, and avoid the following hand job mistakes at all costs.
1. Being Too Rough
I’m listing this as one mistake, but you should take many measures to avoid it. Incorporate lube/lotion/whatever moisturizing substance he has in his bedroom and used to hide when you came over. (This should be a given, but I’ll say it anyway. You’re trying to make him cum, not build a campfire. Friction is bad.) If you have crazy long nails (especially acrylics), either wield with extreme caution or just hold off entirely. Remove all rings (for both your sakes). And please, please do not start whaling on it like you’re trying to squeeze out the last of your toothpaste. Getting excited is great; forgetting that you’re holding something with pain receptors is not.
2. Going On Autopilot
I’m definitely guilty of pulling this whenever my boyfriend makes the slightest sound of encouragement. Once I know something’s working, my immediate instinct is to repeat that exact move for the rest of my life. Unfortunately, you can’t just check off “be good at sex” and never think about it again. To consistently turn someone on, you need to be engaged in what you’re doing and offer some variety. If a guy mechanically rubbed your clit like a broken marionette doll, you would be confused, frightened, and upset. Definitely take mental notes on what he’s responding to, but remember that new sensations are often the most moan-worthy. (Especially if you’ve been using his “favorite move” to death.)
Key elements to be switching up: the position of your hands (if you’re feeling advanced, use both), the amount of pressure you apply, and your speed. (Speeding up when he’s close is a good general rule, but careful not to ram your hand against the head. That shit is sensitive.)
3. Touching Only His Dick
While men often seem to delight in being reduced to their genitalia, hand jobs are an exception to that rule. If you stick to only touching his dick, you’re severely limiting your options and risking both of you getting bored. Surprise ass play is never the move, so check in before trying that explicitly—but plenty other areas are available. Stroking his chest, playing with his balls, and rubbing behind his balls are all typically welcome additions to a hand job. It adds some much-needed variety, and has the added bonus of demonstrating how much you like touching him. As long as it’s not causing him physical pain, all signs of enthusiasm/horniness are a major turn-on.
4. Not Giving A Personalized Hand Job
We all know the core issue with hand jobs: guys are always going to do this best themselves. To that end, the guy himself is your best source of information on how to give him a good hand job. If you’re both comfortable with it, ask him to touch himself in front of you. When you take over, encourage him to tell you when he wants you to go harder/softer/faster/slower. Ask him if he likes his balls played with. Ask him where he’s most sensitive and what to avoid. If you’re uncomfortable having these conversations, that’s what alcohol is for you can ease into it. Even a simple “does that feel good” goes a long way.
If you’re on the opposite end of the spectrum, and highly confident in your technique, you should still check in with the guy. Every guy penis is different, and what worked for your ex could be totally off for another guy’s taste. In most areas of life, communication is (sadly) key. Hand jobs are no exception.
It’s worth knowing that most guys I polled on this insisted there’s no such thing as a good hand job. So while these tips should give you plenty to work with, don’t let your hand job prowess ever stress you out. No guy will ever complain if you give up and switch to a blow job/sex/basically anything else sexual.
Images: Shutterstock; Giphy (5)
When it comes to men’s underwear, I kind of thought everyone agreed: it’s something you don’t pay much attention to unless there’s something wrong. And when you notice it for a good reason, it’s typically less of a “wow, that’s some breathable cotton” and more of a, “I didn’t realize how good this person looks barely clothed” thing (see: Justin Bieber’s Calvin Klein ad). That being said, my boyfriend approached this topic with a rabid amount of enthusiasm for someone who once held up a pair of baby-pink underwear and said “these started out navy” who’s not particularly into fashion, and he quickly affirmed that what a guy’s underwear says about him does matter. So, since he’s been in “like, a million locker rooms,” and has “seen some shit,” I’ll be peppering in his feedback below. Read on to find out what the underwear he wears to your hookup says about him.
You’re familiar with boxers; you saw them on every guy you hooked up with in high school, and now you probably sleep in them. As suggested by the previous sentence, guys regularly rocking boxer shorts are pretty immature and definitely haven’t taken the time to upgrade their wardrobe to what an adult should be wearing. After all, boxers are too loose/bulky to be worn with pants that actually fit, so this is either a guy who wears shorts year-round or still thinks oversized jeans are “a look.” Also, I’ll go ahead and assume this guy isn’t particularly athletic, since boxers offer exactly zero support; they’re useless for exercise; and they do equally little for showing off a guy’s bod. In other words, he’s either not working with anything he wants to showcase or, yet again, he has no effing idea how to dress himself. Save yourself the Oedipus complex and move on.
I refuse to spend too much time on tighty whities because you, as a reader, deserve better than that. Assuming that we’re working with old-school resembles-a-diaper tighty whities (which is the last time I heard anyone really use this term) and not just a white version of well-made briefs, everything that is true of boxers is true of tighty whities times one thousand. Long story short: any guy who wears this underwear knowing that he might have sex with you doesn’t respect you, and his mom still buys his underwear.
I don’t think I fully grasped the difference between briefs and boxer briefs before today, and damn. Briefs are… brief, as in the smallest possible amount of fabric while still covering someone’s ass and genitals. They are also skin-tight, an underwear feature my boyfriend says is chosen for one of two reasons: “tiny dick” or “big dick.” A website called “The Underwear Expert” confirms that “many are engineered to enhance the package.” Whether a guy is using briefs as the equivalent of a push-up bra, or just wishes he could tattoo WELL-ENDOWED MAN on his forehead, this guy is likely vain in all the wrong ways and least likely to care if you have an orgasm. He’s also the most likely to skip leg day, and spray cologne on his dick “for the ladies.” Obviously, if he looks as hot in them as he thinks he does, you can let this slide.
Boxer briefs are like the buttoned-up aunt of regular briefs—they’re longer (usually covering half the thigh) and a little more forgiving without any of boxers’ “flowing in the wind with a giant hole in front” nonsense. TBH, guys wearing boxer briefs raise relatively few red flags: they’re a grown-up alternative to boxers, they’re tight enough to show off a nice ass, and they’re both flattering and low-key enough to draw a nice line between “he didn’t think about his underwear choice at all” and “he thought about his underwear choice way too much.” Since these can err on the side of being a bit reserved/boring, boxer brief guy probably isn’t the most adventurous (sexually or otherwise) and probably ordered 20 of the same boxer briefs on Amazon the same weekend that he threw out all his boxers.
I’ve saved the best for last here, but fair warning for anyone getting riled by boxer brief description: if you thought I was way off, you were probably actually picturing trunks. Trunks are a hybrid between briefs and boxer briefs, meaning they cover one-third of the thigh instead of half, and I don’t know how guys buy anything else once they know these exist. If guys need a foot and a half of underwear to cover them while playing sports, fine. When they’re showing up for sex, they should step up and flash a little leg, which is not a huge ask given that “sexy underwear” for women covers between zero and ten percent of your ass. Trunks mean he actually tried more than one type of underwear before considering himself stocked for life, and he’s decently aware of what he looks good in. Get yourself a guy who wears trunks.
Not happy with how your fuckboy stacked up in the above assessment? Good news: Valentine’s Day is coming up, and there’s no better way to say “I’m only in this for the sex” than the gift of underwear. Don’t believe me? You’re more than welcome to check out the parade of fuckboys blowing cash at Victoria’s Secret on February 13th for yourself.
Images: Shutterstock; Giphy (5)
I feel like a lot of my recent sex articles have tried to answer the question of what sex can and can’t do. Like, sex can’t fully replace going to the gym, but sex can definitely be a harder workout than you’re making it. And sex can’t tell you if the guy you’re seeing is an asshole, but… wait no, sex can totally tell you if he’s an asshole. So, while I’m out here spinning gold into sex advice, I do worry from time to time that I need to remind readers of the first and foremost consideration: what YOU can and can’t do. And I don’t mean that in any kind of spiritual/emotional sense—I literally mean what your body can physically manage, something I can assure you is better to recognize now than when you’re looking down at a penis that’s been “kinked in the middle.” Because while sex can’t restore you to who you were before you saw a snapped peen, it most certainly can cause severe bodily harm to both parties.
So: know your limits, know the sex positions most likely to land you in the hospital, and make an informed decision on what you should and shouldn’t attempt (aforementioned sex positions listed below).
Shower sex is the best argument for abstinence I’ve ever encountered. It’s entirely possible that a large percentage of the celibate-by-choice population just lost their virginity in the shower and decided “never again” on the spot. Since shower sex makes you exclusively the wrong kind of wet, you will be at risk both of freezing to death and suffering internal damage you haven’t experienced since you learned what foreplay was. The slippery walls/floor factor lends an extra excitement that could otherwise only be achieved by coating your living room floor in baby oil and attempting to do a cartwheel. Thinking all fours would be safer for balance? Last time I tried shower sex, I got my hair caught in the faucet and then locked myself in a closet for 20 minutes to bask in my shame. If you are absolutely hell-bent on doing this because it’s on a sorority checklist, at least invest in those no-slip shower devices for the elderly. Consider it the second-most important latex product for your sexual safety.
Any Kind Of Cowgirl
Boy, am I nervous when attempting these positions. (And btw, “these positions” refers to regular cowgirl and reverse cowgirl for me—if you know of other, fancier cowgirls please hmu in the comments). We’re all aware that penises (penii?) have structural deficiencies, and a big one is their angle in relation to the male torso. When people talk about the joys of “riding dick” (idk who these people are, but they sound fun), I still kind of wish there were something joystick-y and easy about it, rather than a mass of flesh beaming up toward his own face like there’s a homing signal attached to it. While I hate to interrupt my own rant about dicks, the point here is that bouncing a little too high in cowgirl (an athletic effort that should only be rewarded) will not end in you just “re-mounting” as you come down—nope, that dick will immediately re-direct itself at that 45 degree angle, and you are suddenly in grave danger of causing a pain for which you’ll never be forgiven. Worst case scenario: breaking a penis. It’s possible, it’s real. Best case scenario: squashing a ball or two, and men are giant babies about that.
Bent Over Something
This article has taken a weird turn for making me sound like I’m 75 years old, but whatever—I’m including this series of positions because I literally strained a muscle from it last week. Specifically, I strained my oblique (the muscle that’s supposed to give you those ab side lines) from basically doing a half-plank during sex, because being bent over anything requires keeping your ass lifted (so the guy doesn’t have to squat) and core tight (so you don’t look pregnant, though maybe that’s a personal problem). What’s more, since I don’t particularly enjoy pretending to be an inanimate object during sex, I made the error of trying to control the pace and unwittingly pitted my abs and lower back muscles against the strength of his legs. As chill as the stabbing pains down my left side and the corresponding muscle relaxer prescription are, I would not attempt again without some kind of pillow support (brb, mourning my youth).
Blowjobs In Moving Vehicles
Yes, this isn’t technically P-in-V sex, but given the potential for harm to both the two of you and innocent passersby, I’m going to include it. You know how guys become completely helpless right before orgasm, and how that sense of power is 75% of the reason you ever go down on them likely they are to bust out facial expressions or guttural moans you’ve never known existed? Yeah, that kind of unpredictability is precisely the opposite of what you want in someone operating a motor vehicle (as the prescription label on my muscle relaxer handily points out). Also, even if he has superior focus abilities (a claim that’s almost as bullshit as a “condom allergy”), let’s consider the effects of a bump in the road, or a sudden stop. Unless you’re in the market to choke on/bite down on a dick (you can poll his preferences on the latter scenario or nah, up to you), maybe pull the fuck over and stop acting like a horny sixteen year-old. If a female cop pulls you over, I dare you to tell her with a straight face that you were just too excited at the prospect of giving a blowjob to wait until you got home. And if a male cop pulls you over, also do not say this because it sounds like the beginning of a porno featuring you and the entire NYPD (now that I say it, it sounds more like an episode of SVU but this is getting dark enough as is).
That’s my PSA for the day—be safe out there!
Images: Skyler King / Unsplash
Valentine’s Day is coming up! Before you get all gushy (or grumpy) on me, let me remind you that regardless of how you feel about this holiday, it’s important to remember what it’s really about. Valentine’s Day is a consumer holiday, so whether you’re in a relationship, scared shitless to DTR or single AF, nobody else wants to hear about your feelings. They just want you to buy stuff. The great news is that if done properly, like every other gift-giving holiday, Valentine’s Day is a fantastic chance to make the day all about you and buy yourself some awesome lingerie that you don’t actually need. Here are some pieces you should buy and hopefully not ruin in the dryer before the end of March.
1. Hanky Panky Peekabo Lace Bralette
This isn’t really Valentine’s Day lingerie, but if you refuse to wear anything with a shitton of padding, rhinestones, or anything else reminiscent of the Victoria’s Secret Bombshell bra you bought sophomore year of high school, it’ll do the trick. I’m actually obsessed with this bralette because it’s a simple step up from a regular one that you might wear on a daily basis. If you want to use this bralette as one half of a risqué set, Hanky Panky has a ton of “open gusset panties” options to pair it with. Just like, do us all a favor and please never actually utter the words “open gusset panties” IRL.
2. Free People Slow Dance Underwire Bra (And Undies)
If you can get past the fact that this bra and undie set looks like the Valentine cards you made for your friends and taped to a fun size Hershey’s Krackel in second grade, it’s actually pretty cute. The bralette has a subtle underwire so you can have some support without feeling like a fraud. Plus, the racerback detail is always handy to wear with actual clothes. Just be careful with removal, because although front-clasp bras are always touted as being convenient, the truth of the matter is that it just makes it way easier to get trapped in your own bra because you have to slide it off in the most unnatural way ever. Don’t like, kill the mood, ya know?
3. Victoria’s Secret Very Sexy Chantilly Lace Babydoll
Honestly, the chick who invented babydoll lingerie should be carved into Mount Rushmore or something, because this shit is the move for when you’re bloated but still want to look really good. Sidenote: I just Googled it. Her name is Sylvia Pedlar and she actually invented it as a response to fabric shortage during World War II. She totally hated the phrase “babydoll” and also designed sexy easy-to-remove togas for women to wear to bed. She kind of sounds like a bad betch, and even though I’m going to keep calling them babydolls, my bread-loving self would just like to give good old Sylv a shoutout. Anyway, here’s a cute babydoll from Victoria’s Secret.
4. ASOS Blair High Leg Lace Body With Lace Up Back
We all know shopping for bodysuits can be a fucking nightmare, but this design features plenty of adjustable details that will make things way easier. It laces up the back and has adjustable straps, which is super helpful. Plus, the high leg shape looks amazing on everyone. This bodysuit is also called the Blair, which makes it a favorite in my book for obvious reasons.
5. Victoria’s Secret Very Sexy Fishnet Lace Corset
If you’re the kind of girl who has her shit together enough to know how to squeeze into a lace corset without even a minor injury, then like, good for you, I guess. Personally, I look for the key phrase “slips over head” when reading lingerie descriptions, but to each her own. The fishnet trend is still thriving, and this corset incorporates it in a fresh way. Even the Victoria’s Secret copywriter who wrote this description was like, “garters and straps for when you want them,” as in, IDK wtf you’re supposed to do with those either. Anyway, this is actually pretty sick, so get it.
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Thanks to skinny model betches like Gigi and Kendall taking over our fucking lives, people will practically do anything to make themselves more attractive. Vaginal steaming? Sure. Eyebrow tattoos aka microblading? Yup. Suctioning a cup to my lips because Kylie Jenner refused to admit she’d had injections? Sign me the fuck up. Well now there’s a new insane, painful beauty trend on the rise. Legitimate surgery to get those two little back dimples above your ass. Jesus fucking Christ, how is this a thing?
A Definitive Ranking Of The Victoria’s Secret Models
Just in case going under the knife for back dimples that nobody even fucking notices wasn’t ridiculous enough, the surgery can cost up to five grand. This has got to be the stupidest waste of money since the waist trainer. Look, when I was in middle school I was super jealous of my BFF Christina who had the back dimple thing going on, but now, who gives a fuck? How about you spend that money on a personal trainer and get the entire body of a Victoria’s Secret model instead? Seems like a better investment. Some people have said they’re hereditary so if you want them, you’ll have to pay up. But others say every girl has them; it’s just a matter of if you’re skinny enough for them to show. I could have fucking told you that. Like, I have abs under there somewhere. I’m sure of it.
The only thing back dimples have going for them is that people with them are supposedly have better orgasms because they have better circulation in their pelvis?? IDK. Sounds like bullshit to me. Especially if you’re buying them and they’re not actually there. But I’m not stupid enough to dish out $5K for this so I guess I’ll have to continue on living my sad, mediocre-orgasm-having existence and never know for sure.