How To Practice Safe Sexts, According To The Experts

You know what sucks more than your significant other living in your building? Your significant other living in a different city—especially if that city is in an entirely different timezone. You know why that sucks? Because it makes sending a sext incredibly difficult. Like, no I don’t want to hear what you want to do to me while I’m wolfing down Chop’t at my desk because you just got up and are feeling some type of way. But at the end of the day, sexting is all we long distance couples have when we can’t spend the night (or a few steamy minutes) together. And even if you’re not in an LDR, sexting can still be, dare I say, f*cking fun. Like, yeah, drugs are fun, but have you ever felt the rush of opening a steamy sext that’s meant for your eyes only? However, like with sex, there’s a way to be risky and a way to sext safely while still having fun. If your SO/FWB/person with whom you want to test the waters is down for some digital fun, keep reading for some helpful tips from Cassandra Corrado, an sex educator and founder and CEO of MonsterCloud, Zohar Pinhasi

What’s The Point Of Sexting?

Here’s the thing, when I told my friends I was writing this story, I had mixed reactions because some thought sexting was sending nudes and some thought sexting was sending dirty texts. I mean, por q no los dos, right? Sexting can be whatever you want it to be, and before you think you’re above it, you’re not. Plenty of people do it and there should be zero shame in that. Corrado says, “People sometimes have the misconception that only teenagers sext, but that isn’t true—people of all ages do. People sext because it’s fun, it builds intimacy, and it is a way of communicating desire that isn’t touch-based.” That last part is important. Communication, even if it’s based in something physical and/or sexual is massively important in any relationship. Also, if you’re feeling a little awkward telling your partner what you want while you’re currently in bed together, being able to say it via sext may be a little easier. 

Is There a Right/Wrong Way To Sext?

Glad you asked! The biggest concern with sexting is having your photos get leaked. I mean, I have no shame in my body, but I don’t necessarily want anyone who isn’t the person to whom I sent my sexy photos to see them. I know what you’re thinking: just don’t send the photos then? And to you I say, no. I will not let the hacker/revenge porn-laden world we live in dictate whether or not I will have a Euphoria-inspired photoshoot. But on the real, cyber security is a legitimate concern (whether you’re taking sexy photos or just simply online banking), but there are steps you can take to protect yourself. If you’re feeling nervous about your selfies falling into the wrong hands, Pinhasi says, “Use a VPN when possible. A VPN simply creates a safe, encrypted connection to the web so that the prying eyes of strangers on the network can’t see what you see, in this case your sexts and nude photos.” Also, never sext using public WiFi, which I hope is obvious. If you send your nudes in a Starbucks, you can expect everyone in said Starbucks to stumble upon your nudes. 

Another point I’d like to make that I hope is as obvious as the WiFi thing: don’t start sexting without consent, which may sound like a given, but in a world filled with unsolicited dick pics, is anything but. Wouldn’t it be cool if all the dick pics you’ve ever received were preceded by a “Can I send you a gross and unscaled photo of my penis?” and then you would get to say, “Nope!” Read the room as much as you can, but if you’re unsure, there is truly no harm in asking. Corrado adds, “Sexting is an opportunity to practice telling someone, ‘Hey, I’m not actually that into that’ or ‘That’s a bit intense for me right now, let’s soften things up.’” Hopefully things don’t go too soft (wink), but you know what’s more off-putting than a limp d*ck? Feeling like you’re being forced to do something you don’t want to do. 

How Do You Establish Boundaries?

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Boundaries are tough, because you while you want to say whatever you need to say to feel comfortable in the situation/conversation, you don’t want to kill the mood. Corrado says, “Be clear, and be aware of your own reaction. If it’s something that is a major boundary violation, like doing something you’ve previously agreed wasn’t on the table, then that merits killing the mood to have a conversation.” Very fair point. At the end of the day, sexting is fun because you’re enjoying yourself, and the moment you stop enjoying yourself it’s time to speak up! Standing up for yourself feels better than letting a weird moment linger.

Are There Any Risks To Sexting?

While no matter how dirty the conversation gets, you can’t get pregnant or contract STDs from sexting, there are still plenty of equally heavy risks to consider when you start snapping. Corrado says, “There are emotional risks, because sexting is something that is really vulnerable. You’re not only talking about your desires, but you’re also talking about them (or perhaps showing them) in a graphic way. That means that if your sexting partner decides to share those messages, your trust will have been violated.” Hopefully, you aren’t sexting with someone you don’t trust, but again, use caution. “I always recommend that people know their angles—make sure that if you send photos or video, you’re mindful that your backdrop is neutral and that you don’t show your face or any other distinguishing characteristics, like birthmarks, piercings or tattoos.” That’s the first thing I learned from watching SVU!

Also, there’s the risk that Mr. Robot may hack into your software/wifi and steal your images/conversations. Pinhasi says, “If you don’t want someone looking at your photos and videos, store them yourself. Don’t use someone else’s technology/systems. You’re never fully in control of your data if it’s stored in someone else’s ‘vault’.” Basically, if you’re not down for strangers to see your nudie pics, figure out a different way to show them to your person. Ever heard of WhatsApp?

Something else to think about: “Employees at Apple—some third party contractors, even—have access to the interactions you have with Siri in the form of actual voice recordings. These recordings have picked up sexual encounters, drug deals, crime, and personal conversations,” Pinhasi says. Well, f*ck! Don’t use Siri to sext, but I’m not sure who was doing that anyway.

Ok, so what have we learned? Sexting is fun and awesome, but like most things, it’s fun if you’re safe about it. And the minute you feel uncomfortable, *Jenna Maroney voice* shut it down.

shut it down

Images: nito / Unsplash; Giphy (2)

‘Cosmo’ Is Back At It Again With Cringey Sexting Tips

Ah, Cosmo. While I’m sure that, at one point in time, it was a radical feminist publication, now it mainly serves as a source of a good laugh—at least, as far as their sex tips are concerned. I feel like their pitch meetings must consist of a bunch of bored twentysomethings sitting at a table playing sexual MadLibs. “I need an O-shaped noun, a synonym for penis, and an adverb!” “Bagel, member, discreetly!” “Yes, that’s it! ‘Place a bagel atop your man’s member and discreetly move it in small circles…” I’m not mad about it, because it’s given us plenty of material to roast. We’ve come for their dating advice, their sex positions, and oh yeah, that one homemade sex toy involving a sock and a plastic bag. I feel like at this point they should put a disclaimer at the top of these articles that reads, “No sexually active persons were involved in the making of this article.” And now they are back at it again, with an article oddly specifically titled, “This Sext Has A 99.2% Success Rate” that ran in the February 2020 print issue of the magazine. *Cracks knuckles gleefully* I can’t wait for this.

First thoughts: A 99.2% success rate? Wow, that’s specific! How did they arrive at this figure, you ask? Was it through analyzing data received from surveys? A double-blind empirical study? Not quite. Per the article’s dek, the author in question asked nearly 1,000 guys to “share their takes on the hottest sexts they’ve ever seen”. After “some collating, synthesizing, and data analyzing,” Cosmo returns with the “top-ten ranking of the world’s most effective sexts.” Wait, so is this a ranking or a guarantee for success? Because if it’s a ranking, then by definition, some of these sexts will be less effective than others. And if they’re all 99.2% effective, then there is no ranking. So I ask you, Cosmo:

So what is the truth

Ambiguous methodology aside, that’s not why we are really here. We are obviously here to get a load of what cringey messages Cosmo is passing off as fool-proof sexts. And there are some real winners in this list:

Okay, so I guess the first thing I feel the need to point out is that half of these are only a good idea to send if you actually want the recipient of your texts to come over at 2am. In which case, you can skip all the soft-core porn language and just be like “U up? Come over.” I promise you he will get the point. Because if you are just like, feeling yourself and want some assistance while you rub one out (don’t worry, I will be throwing myself in the nearest ravine for that phrasing), the last thing you want is some horned-up dude showing up to your place because you low-key explicitly invited him over to jackhammer your cervix and then ask you if it was good. Now you have to deal with his general existence, ego, and the fact that he’s going to pass out spread eagle style and take up your entire bed…

Anyway. These sexts.

“I’m out with my friends and I’m secretly drenched just thinking about you” — I thought there was no word less sexy than “moist”, but somehow, “drenched” is really coming in a close second for me. Leave your tenth grade literary devices lesson at home, and just say you’re wet.

“Just showered. Wish you were here :(“ — I’m just personally against sending any message that, out of context, could 100% belong on r/niceguys or any Instagram account that exposes f*ckboys’ texts.

“I want you to finger me until I come on your hand” — Okay, are we spelling it “come” now? It’s only “cum” when guys do it? This is not really a point of contention, so much as me genuinely wanting to know. Not going to lie, I think they are on the money with the specificity of this one, I just think that specificity is misplaced. Never have I ever had a guy get excited about the prospect of fingering me until I came on his hand. His hand?! Eat me out until I came on his face? Absolutely. But I feel like if I sent this text about fingering, he’d just be like, “why? Are we in middle school?” I feel like there is a reason that there are no song lyrics about riding someone’s hand.

“NSFW Snap coming your way” —This one is hilarious for two reasons. One, you can just send the Snap without announcing you’re going to send it. It’s like people who ask, “Can I ask you a question?” before they ask you the actual question. But two, and more importantly, is the little author’s note, which reads, “The promise of visuals is key. No actual pics needed—it’s the tease itself that slays him.” I feel like they included this caveat so no one would accuse them of telling their audience to send nudes. If you’re not comfortable sending sexy pics, that is perfectly okay, and don’t do it. But also don’t promise to do it. That’s just weird! He’ll probably get turned on for like, 30 minutes, then get confused and send you a bunch of “?” texts, and then be like:

waka flocka okay

If you don’t send nudes, be upfront and tell whoever you’re texting that. A simple “I don’t do that” works. Don’t half-acquiesce, you’re just setting yourself up for more problems in the future.

And one final glaring hole I noticed in this list (no pun intended, I swear) is that nowhere is it encouraged for women to actually use the word pussy. I can promise you, it will not scare the guy off (the opposite, in fact—if you don’t believe me, just spend like, five minutes scrolling the comments section on Pornhub). And if it does? Good, that’s one guy you should not let near your—yeah, I’m going to say it—PUSSY. I just take an issue with the fact that this is attempting to (sort of) empower women to take control of their own sexuality (even if it is, in this instance, to ultimately please a man), and not even encourage them to even mention their own sex organs!!! If you hate the word on a personal level, that’s fine, but I’m a little shocked it didn’t come up in even one suggestion, when we have two sexts with the word “dick”.

To be fair, a bunch of these are solid sexts. “Can I come over and sit on your face”? classic. “I want your dick so bad”? a banger. “I can’t wait to come over and suck your dick”? Works 60% of the time, every time. Cosmo, I would say that you can do a little better than this, but I’m not really sure that you can, and at this point, I don’t even think I want you to.

Images: Michael Gresset / Unsplash; Cosmo; Giphy (2)

5 Low-Key Ways To Introduce Kinks Into The Bedroom

Introducing kinks to your relationship can be intimidating AF. If you just found your perfect match on Ship, you won’t want to scare them away by rattling off your list of fetishes on the first date. If you’ve been dating someone for four years, randomly unleashing your secret kinks might make them think you’ve hated your sex life the whole time. Sooo how are you supposed to discuss your love for bondage with a new or current partner without it being painfully awkward? Rather than dropping a casual “hey, wanna tie me up sometime?” over a romantic candlelit dinner, there are much better ways, even some that don’t involve being in the same room. I attended a “Working The Kinks Out” session at a sex camp (yes, sex camp) where Fransisco Ramirez, MPH shared this list of tips and tricks for letting your freak flag fly without freaking out your partner.

1. Yes/No/Maybe Lists

Yes/no/maybe lists aren’t sexual contracts. They’re just a super fun bonding activity (without the handcuffs) that helps you come up with new sex stuff to try. You basically sit down for a dirty little brainstorm sesh with your partner to create a master list of all the kinks you’ve ever thought about trying and want to explore together. When you run out of ideas, separate, make a cup of tea, relax in the bath, and organize the list into your own “yes,” “no,” and “maybe” categories. 

Circle, star, and “F*CK YEAH!!!” your YESes, strike out the NOs, and put question marks around the maybes. You can also rank and categorize each act on the list by whether you want to be the giver or receiver, because maybe you’re down to try pegging but you’d rather be the one getting pegged, or you love the idea of rope but there’s no way in hell someone’s tying you up. 

Done? Regroup and discuss. Cringing at the thought of reviewing your lists at the kitchen table like some sort of formal business deal with a client? Swap papers so the other person can read it and see what you’re into in silence (aside from the occasional “hmm” or “WOW REALLY?!”). Not even comfortable doing this in person? Grow up. JK. These lists can be created via text or Google Docs too.

2. Shop For Sex Toys Together

good morning to this fan who met zac efron and vanessa hudgens in 2008 and had the nerve to ask for pictures while they were shopping for sex toys

— donna summer archive (@mcriahcarey) April 10, 2019

The only thing more fun than actually using sex toys with your partner is the act of buying them together. Ramirez says that toys are the best way to introduce kinks into the bedroom. He literally calls them “friends,” and I feel that. Sex toys make way better friends than humans sometimes TBH. 

Research all the different vibrators, cock rings, restraints, and wearables you might want to play with, then make a date out of going to your local adult store to get them. You can buy them online of course, but that’s not as fun. Going to a sex shop is something I strongly believe all couples should experience at some point in their relationship. The process of physically going to buy new toys, then the anticipation of waiting to come home to use them magically makes using them soOo much better. 

3. Share Porn Browser Histories

First date activities:

Let's go through each other's porn history?

— An Aquarian (@Mohohlo) September 3, 2019

I know what you’re thinking. “HELLLLL no.” And that’s fine. Although this tip IS super effective, it’s not for the faint of heart. Our porn histories are highly classified information never to be shared with anyone until we die. BUT! If you’re feeling daring and you DGAF, exchange those browser histories with your partner. Chances are they have some wild sh*t in their search history that blows the doors off of yours, and you’ll come out of it with something to break up over laugh about and bond over for the rest of your relationship.

4. Make Porn Playlists

Okay, if you’re too shy to share your personal porn browser history, then collab and create a new one. Making a porn playlist with someone is basically the X-rated version of a Spotify collaborative playlist. Keep things separate from your main accounts and make a new username by combining your names like Jailey, Kimye, and other stupid celeb couple names like that. Once you’re done building up a list of videos, pop some popcorn, cozy up, get naked, or do whatever couples do before they watch ~movies~ and enjoy the show. 

5. Sexting

Ahhh, good old fashioned sexting. Where words fail, eggplant and peach emojis always do the trick. Sexting is the best thing to ever come out of the 21st century, aside from Taco Bell and sex toys. It’s awesome for most people who really don’t feel bold enough talking about “dirty” stuff face-to-face but want to put important business out there. 

I actually love sexting for that exact reason. It’s the most comfortable way for me to say what I like in bed with someone I haven’t hooked up with yet and vice versa. Because let’s face it, talking about the weird sh*t that gets you going during sex isn’t exactly the easiest topic to approach with someone new, or even our current partners if those kinks were never disclosed. But we do need to put on our adult pants and address it somehow, even via text, so we don’t get stuck in sexually unfulfilling relationships with people who don’t meet our needs. IDK about you, but that sounds like living hell to me. 

In the wise words of Ramirez, “Kink is okay. Kink is great. Kink is dope. Kink is fly. YOU are okay. YOU are great. YOU are dope. YOU are fly.” Solid reminder to all of us kinky bitches out there. We’re cool AF. We just need to find a way to express how chill we are to our partners without them freezing up and running away…but if they do run away from your kinks once you bring them up, then they’re definitely not the right match for you anyway. 

Images: Shutterstock; @mcriahcarey, @mohohlo, / Twitter; GIPHY (3)

Why Do Men Send Dick Pics, Even Though Nobody Wants To See Them?
A friend of mine was recently sharing her current dating adventures and telling me about a guy who had completely blown her off. Then out of no where, he sent her a picture of his genitalia. We were both like, “what the actual f*ck?” Because, like, had he wanted to have sex with her, he would have to actually hang out with her. But he basically stood her up and ignored her texts. At first he was “too busy” and then it was just straight-up ghosting. So what is with the dick pic? Did he think his penis was so impressive that all would be forgiven? If he wanted to show her his dick, don’t you think it’d work out better if he actually got to know her so she wanted to see it? 
First off, let’s get one thing out of the way about unsolicited dick pics. Are men aware that this is straight-up sexual harassment? No one wants to look at you naked unless they have expressively given consent to do so. Why would you want to force someone to see you naked? It’s not going to end well for you. Women don’t go around sending internal vag pics to men they don’t know. (At least I hope not?!)
We were both confused. What do men want from dick pics, particularly if you’re not sexting or even in an opportunity to have sex with the person you’re sending your junk to? So I asked a couple of experts. Let’s put an end to this madness.

And at 1:37am when my phone lit up with that long-awaited “WYD” text, it made me wonder, “What AM I doing?”

— shannon edwards (@sh_____ed) December 11, 2016

I consulted my friend and expert Adrienne Scotti, M.A. of Psychology, who gave me a more evolutionary perspective as to why men send dick pics. She said that there is an animal aspect to showing a potential mate your junk as a way to prove virility. There’s an evolutionary belief that female species would be more attracted to males with bigger genitals, as it was a sign that they were more fertile, and with today’s creative picture taking angles and filters, any man can look huge and want to show it off. Now, to be clear, she’s not saying that when a guy is sending you a dick pic, he’s actively thinking, “I’m going to send her a picture of my penis to prove to her how fertile I am!” (Most likely, any man who’s sending you an unsolicited picture isn’t actively thinking at all.) But she hypothesizes that the act of sending dick pics derived from these old-ass evolutionary habits of men wanting to show off their junk to potential mates. Grool.

And if you’re thinking that this strategy is stupid, you are right! Adrienne said that this method isn’t even necessarily effective for animals, let alone humans, because usually the asshole monkey or whatever showing his “big balls” to all the female monkeys tends to be more aggressive, and therefore, not an ideal mate. Which, actually? That’s how I feel about human men who send unsolicited inappropriate pictures. They are way too aggressive and creepy.

So, what, even if a guy doesn’t want to have sex (because he’s bailing on plans), he thinks dick pics make him more attractive/seem like an ideal mate? Jesus, fix it. PSA MEN: penises are weird looking. No one finds them attractive out of context. Take off your shirt instead, after asking first if she wants to see that, and leave it at that. There is a reason Magic Mike is about abs and not men flopping their dicks around.

I mean, okay, the evolutionary explanation makes some sense I guess, but also seems like the exact type of argument some Red Pill-subscribing asshole would use to justify sexual harassment: “it’s just an evolutionary adaptation, it’s not my fault!!!” So could it be anything else? Luckily, I have TWO friends who know their sh*t in this area. So I asked expert Ruth Robbins, PhD, Clinical Psychology Postdoctoral Resident. While Dr. Robbins agrees with the evolutionary thing as a possible theory, she said that men are often rewarded by being the pursuer and this is another way of doing so. Sexting also is correlated to greater sexual satisfaction and open sexual communication. Which, yeah, I could see being a thing in consenting, reciprocal relationships, but out of the blue?? I have never seen a spontaneous penis picture and gotten turned on.

Another theory Dr. Robbins mentioned is that by sending a dick pic, men are establishing dominance to be the aggressor sexually. It gives them a sense of control, and no matter how it’s received (positive or negative), they are getting attention for it. Given what I know of men, this is probably the most likely scenario—they just want attention any way they can get it, even if it makes women uncomfortable. Dr. Robbins also said that it can decrease rejection for the man if the picture is well-received. She also noted the power/control/aggressive nature of men pursuing women is mostly an issue in heterosexual couples, as dick pics and that level of pursuit is way more common in homosexual male circles. Gay men, thoughts?

TL;DR: men mostly send dick pics because they think you will find it impressive and give them attention, and they feel they are now “in control” of the relationship. Sooo in my friend’s case, the douche in question was feeling insecure and wanted validation that he was in charge. While simultaneously ruining any shot at actually having sex with her. Men, your methods are stupid. Think AND ASK before you make us look at your weird little dicks.

Images: Giphy (2)

How To Answer An Unsolicited Dick Pic

In this amazing episode we discuss behind the scenes bullsh*t of Coachella, the Girls and Vanderpump Rules finales, and we give advice about receiving unsolicited dick pics and asking for a raise at your internship.

Read our recap of the Vanderpump Rules reunion conclusion here!

How To Send A Hot Nude Without Ruining Your Life

The average betch receives at least half a dozen requests for nudes each week—unless she’s on Tinder, in which case the limit does not exist. The vast majority of the time, these requests go unanswered, but every once in a while, someone will live up to the right standards and we’ll deign to bless them with a nude. Whether that person is a hot rando or your long-time SO*, the last thing you want to do is embarrass yourself with a poor-quality nude. I mean, your body is a gift to man- and womankind, but that doesn’t mean you know how to take a good photo of it. You don’t want to spend all that time in spin class only to wind up looking like an undercooked sausage in the pic you’re using to seduce someone. But that’s where I come in. Here are 7 tips for taking a successful nude—you can thank me after you get laid.

*Btw, don’t let some fuckboy pressure you into sending nudes if you’re not into it. That’s what his imagination and/or internet connection is for. This is only for the rarest of occasions in which you are having a good boob/butt day and are also feeling extremely generous AND a male has proved himself extremely worthy. 

1. Pay Attention To The Lighting

Ever noticed how you’ll look fabulously tanned and muscular in photos taken in your bedroom but sallow and dead-eyed in your kitchen? That would be the differences in lighting—it might seem like no biggie, but bad lighting is the number one cause of selfie deaths. If there’s a spot in your room where you always take flawless Instas, take your inaugural nude selfie there, and if you have a bunch of windows, daylight is also your new BFF. However, we recommend keeping your curtains drawn so you don’t get any new secret admirers. Most importantly, stay the hell away from florescent lamps.

2. Angles Are Everything

You’ve definitely figured this out from selfies by now, but angles are super important when it comes to nudes, too. Luckily, they basically follow the same rules as regular selfies. Aim from above or head-on, and only take a photo from below if you want the recipient to be distracted counting your chins. (Maybe you do. I don’t know the details of your sex life, nor do I care to.) Also, protip: Unlike what everyone tells you about aging, when it comes to nudes, gravity can be your friend. I have tricked many a fuckboy into thinking my tits are big and not three finger-widths apart simply by leaning over and angling the camera downward. I’m a magician, I know. And while we’re on the importance of angles, if you’ve learned anything from the numerous celebrity photo hacks it’s NOT TO PUT YOUR FACE IN YOUR FUCKING NUDES. I don’t care if I do have a one-in-a-kind birthmark the shape of Texas on my left boob, if those shits get leaked, you can best believe I’m gonna deny it to the grave.

3. Don’t Stick To The Definition Of “Nude”

Nudes involve nudity by definition, but don’t feel like you have to be totally naked from the get-go. This is especially true if you’re surprising someone with a pic—as anyone who’s gotten a dick pic before (aka everyone) knows, it can be a little alarming to be confronted with a straight-up naked human. Try taking a pic with some cute underwear or wearing nothing but a sheet, or crop out ~relevant~ bits of your body. It’s practically artsy at that point, but not in the regular annoying way.

Ariel Winter Instagram

4. Use Your Reflection

There’s a reason Kim K has posted approximately a bajillion barely-clothed selfies of her reflection: it lets you show off your whole body without having to contort into too many weird positions. Use a full-length mirror if you have one (in a place where you won’t traumatize your roommates, obvs) or head to the bathroom. The other bonus is it’s easy to use your phone to block out your face in the picture—no, I will not quit harping on this point. I don’t care if he’s your boyfriend, husband, or you made him sign an NDA—you cannot trust anyone in this day and age.

When you’re like I have nothing to wear LOL

— Kim Kardashian West (@KimKardashian) March 7, 2016


5. Clean Your Fucking Room

Wherever you’re staging your mini-photoshoot, take 30 seconds to clean it up, or at least move the shit to the other side of your room. Nothing kills the mood like the sight of your middle school retainer and a pile of dirty towels in the corner. I don’t care how hot you are—if your bedroom looks like it could have been featured on Hoarding: Buried Alive, no guy will be able to look past that. Just ask Ross Geller.

6. Get Your Top Model On

All that time you spent in middle school watching America’s Next Top Model marathons is finally paying off—it’s time to contort like you’ve never contorted before. Flex your abs! Pout your lips! Smize!!!!! If you’re just starting out, there’s literally nothing wrong with checking out the Instagrams of D-list celebs who post a lot of skin (read: Ariel Winter, Kardashian-wannabe extraordinaire) for posing inspiration. Or shoot for the stars and let the Queen of Selfies, Kim K, be your guide—eventually, you’ll figure out what makes you look/feel the sexiest. Unfortunately, that’s usually what makes you the most physically uncomfortable, but whatevs. If it’s in the pursuit of sexting, it’s worth it.

7. If You Must Save, Save It Somewhere Private

When I’m old and saggy, I fully intend to have a photo album, possibly on display, of all the sexy selfies I took when I was young and hot and could do pushups without my joints clicking. Save your faves to make yourself feel better when your metabolism goes to shit. Just be sure to do it somewhere super private—people are assholes, and people with internet connections and no concept of a conscience are even bigger assholes. Signal is some app this guy I’m fucking who works in tech told me about that’s apparently double-encrypted. IDK what that means exactly but it sounds super secure so like, maybe try that?

8. Show The Bottom Half Of Your Face AT MOST

If the whole Russian hacking thing has you wondering about the security of your selfies, try protecting your identity with some good old fashioned facial obstruction. Your SO already sees a million photos of your face daily via Snapchat, so your eyes will probably not be missed. The mouth is the sexiest part of the face anyway, so framing your nudes from the mouth down makes total sense. Plus, when you’re running for president and Putin leaks your photostream you can be like, “I mean I guess that could be my jawline but like…who’s to say?” 

9. Wear His Clothes

As discussed in #3, your nudes don’t have to be strictly nude. Guys have a weird thing for seeing girls in their clothes. It’s like, you’re inside them for a change. Anyone who’s ever been Tom Cruise in Risky Business for Halloween/every mixer understands this rule. So a sexy photo with you in his jersey and nothing else could actually end up being a thousand times more boner-inducing than any shot that actually includes your boobs. Plus his giant shirt will make you look skinny, which is always a plus. 

10. Make It A Boomerang

Take your nudes into the 21st century by making them into a boomerang. It’ll set your nudes apart from all the others your SO has received, plus the extra motion gives you the option to try multiple poses and angles. Just make sure you don’t accidentally post to Insta. 

If you follow the steps above, you’re on your way to taking a decent nude selfie, although obviously some article on the internet isn’t going to turn you into Gigi Hadid. Anyway, good luck, godspeed, etc. etc.

Which Is Better, Snapchat Or Instagram? An Investigation

In the battle of the photo apps, which one is the betchiest? Clearly there’s a fight for queen bee right now between the different apps, but only one can be prom queen. In case you haven’t picked up on it, we’re talking about Snapchat vs. Instagram. On the one hand, Snapchat was def here first, and it’d be hard to argue that Insta didn’t literally steal every part of Snapchat’s business model for themselves. On the other hand, Instagram is more popular and allows you to post your best selfies to the public, forever (or until Instagram folds, whichever comes first). It’s hard to choose, but much like that summer where you had two boyfriends, you’re gonna have to pick one. Let’s take a look at the pros and cons of each by judging a specific set of very concrete and important metrics, so that when you fiinally run out of room on your phone you know which app to delete. 

1. Getting a reaction on your photos

Instagram lets you like photos and get likes on your photos. If you need the dopamine rush of seeing the likes roll in, Instagram is def better. While Snapchat will let you reply to stories or snaps, nobody else can see what your friends are saying. So your crush can’t see how many bros commented your beach pic with the fire emoji, and what’s the point of that?

Winner: Instagram


2. Stalking your friends and enemies

Simply put, you can’t do as deep of a stalking session on Snapchat the way you can with Instagram—it’s not like you can stalk someone’s Snapchat 52 weeks deep. Whether or not that’s a good thing depends on your stalking goals. Also, Snapchat is a fucking snitch since when you watch someone’s Snap story, it tells them you were creeping. Don’t get me wrong, that’s great for when I want the smug satisfaction of knowing my ex looked at my story featuring my new puppy, but not so great when I’m doing the stalking and I’m not tryna get exposed.

Winner: Instagram

jenna marbles

3. Sending private messages

There’s a whole song written about sliding into your DM’s (thanks YG), but when it comes to messaging privately, Snapchat is like Kanye and Instagram is Meek Mill. If you Snap someone enough, icons will appear by their name (whose exact symbolism is unclear), so anyone who said making friends isn’t a competition was def wrong. Instagram’s DM’s, on the other hand, feel like when someone pokes you on Facebook. It’s an option, sure, but like it’s just a little too transparent. 

Winner: Snapchat

slide into your DMs

4. Posting stories

Instagram came into the stories game like a rapper moving in on your girl at the club. Instagram stories are like a push-up bra: We don’t need it, but we’ll use it when we’re bored because we like the attention it gets us. Snapchat has way better filters, though, which is better for showing the world how basic you are makes posting Snap stories more fun. But Instagram has a wider audience because you probably have randos following you that you wouldn’t have on your Snapchat. It’s easier to post an Instagram story because you basically have Instagram open at all times, but even with the extra thumb movement Snapchat still has better options. Sometimes you just need to dog filter yourself for attention.

Winner: Snapchat

Kendall Jenner and Jimmy Fallon

5. Going live

Snapchat doesn’t have a going live option, so Instagram automatically wins on this. Instagram lets you go live, and the live video doesn’t save the way Facebook does. Going live used to be horrifying to think about, but now we’ve come around to it. It’s basically like posting a Snapchat in real time, and people interact with you more than they do on a post.

Winner: Instagram

Jenna Maroney

6. Texting your crush

Both Snapchat and Instagram have messaging, but Snapchat’s is def better. Snapchat’s messages disappear after you read them, which means that any messages you send while drunk or after 1am don’t count. Unfortunately, the same cannot be said about that fuckboy who tried to finesse a hookup via Instagram DM’s, which you obviously posted on all your social media immediately after.  Also, sexting is 100% better on Snapchat. How would you even sext on Instagram?

Winner: Snapchat

Amy Schumer

7. Making people jealous of your life

Instagram is better for posting shit you want people to actually see, like your beach vacation pics or that time you met Drake. Snapchat is better if you want to individually make someone jealous, because you can see the second they’ve watched your story. If you’re trying to low-key let Brad know you’re dating someone new, use Snapchat. If you’re trying to let that girl in your marketing class know you went to Fashion Week, use Instagram.

Winner: Tie

Gretchen Weiners mean girls

Even though it’s a tie, we’re going to say Instagram is the winner because you can judge more people and get more attention. But on days when their face filters are good, Snapchat is def the winner. If you want to have the best of both worlds, Hannah Montana, you could always just download your selfies with the Snapchat filters and post them to Instagram. That may be cheating and the most annoying thing in the universe, but again, just like two-boyfriend summer, sometimes you just need to double dip. 

The Best Emoji For Flirting & To Get You Laid

When beginning a text relationship with a potential new bae, your choice of emojis can either make or break the interaction. A correctly placed winking cat face can make you look like a cute fun millennial who also may or may not be a cat, but just a few too many laughing-crying faces in a row and you look like a legit psycho who needs to stop LOLing and start getting your life in check. But with so many new iOS updates and new emoji being invented (thank you, middle finger emoji), it can be really hard to keep up with what’s acceptable to use and what’s going to make you take more Ls than Nicki Minaj in her current beef with Remy Ma. Luckily, the Betches are here to help with a fairly comprehensive guide to emojis. Unfortunately, we can’t tell you exactly what to type to the guy you’re hooking up with but not yet dating but maybe hopefully will date in the future, so just take our advice and try not to fuck it up. 

Check out our video below. After we get you laid/wifed up you may send us your thanks in the form of popcorn baskets or mini wine bottles.