Presented by Plan B One Step

Is there anything millennials fear more than emotional intimacy? *Does an audit of my entire life thus far* Definitely not. There’s nothing more grave than the pit you get in your stomach the moment you send someone a “we need to talk” text. Except, I guess, the pit you get in your stomach when you have a birth control slip-up, like a condom breaking. As someone who used to agonize for days over what to wear for a casual night at the bar I knew I would only spend two hours at, making the decision to take Plan B after a night of failed birth control was…nerve-wracking, to say the least, when I did it the first time. I’d heard all the misconceptions, like that it has a bunch of side effects, and that it would f*ck up my ability to get pregnant later on—which is not something I want to do (even if I don’t want to get pregnant right now). But we live in the age of the internet, which means that instead of anxiety-texting an itemized list of those worries,​ ​I just went online to learn more​ and realized how misguided I was. Plan B’s main ingredient has been used in birth control pills for decades, and taking it won’t mess with your fertility​.​ I also learned ​that Plan B won’t hurt my chances of becoming pregnant later on; it  temporarily delays the release of an egg from the ovary after taking the pill so I don’t get pregnant ​right now. 

So, the process of taking Plan B was not intimidating for me at all, since I knew the facts. I took it right away (by the way, you have 72 hours to take it, but the sooner you take it the better it works) and then I went about my normal life—without getting pregnant. Thank goodness. Which got me thinking: of all the things to be nervous about, taking Plan B after the condom breaks or accidentally skipping a pill or another kind of birth control slip-up shouldn’t be one of them. Not when there are plenty of other more anxiety-inducing issues that pop up in life, like…

1. Having A “What Are We?” Talk

I would so much rather walk up to a checkout counter, hand them a credit card, and take one pill than actually have to do the whole “what are we doing?” song and dance with whoever I’ve been seeing (in a fantasy world in which I am actually dating). What’s the worst that can happen, you ask? Uhm, crushing rejection? An ambiguous answer that will keep you on the same cycle of non-commitment that you’ve been in for the last six months? No, thanks. 

2. Meeting The Parents

You could be a doctor who won the Nobel Prize and moonlights as a supermodel, and meeting the parents would still be stressful af. There are the obvious what-ifs: they don’t like you, you accidentally offend them somehow and because of that, they don’t like you, you have something stuck in your teeth so they think you have poor dental hygiene and don’t like you…Sensing a theme here?

3. Actually Cooking For Myself

“It’s easy!” they say. “Just follow the recipe!”As someone who regularly f*cks up hard boiled eggs because I get absorbed in another task while waiting for the water to boil, cooking for myself is easier said than done. There’s a lot that can go wrong when attempting to cook, and that’s not even counting the very real probability that the food can come out bad. Like, I could burn myself. Burn down my apartment. Chop off a finger. Chop off a limb—you get the idea. Better to leave it to the professionals (I say as I hit “check out” on Seamless for the third time today).

4. Doing An Exercise Video…

…and I mean actually doing it, not just laying on the floor. I know, the horror! Workout classes are supposed to reduce stress (and sure, I feel better afterwards), but the actual process of doing the class is often anything but stress-free. I never know what’s going on, and I feel like everyone else in the class had a meeting beforehand to nail down all the movements and flow and I missed it. What comes after burpees again? Plus, while everyone else looks like they’re going on a leisurely stroll through the park, I am huffing and puffing and pouring sweat from the face. I don’t think I’ve ever completed a workout class not wondering WTF was wrong with me… and that’s why I’d rather just lay on my mat, pretending to do the work.

5. Trying On Your Jeans For The First Time In Six Months

If you’ve been wearing pants with an actual button or fly during this period where nobody has anywhere to go, I’m not sure if I should be scared or impressed. Actually, I’m going to go with terrified, because nobody with that much discipline can be trusted, as far as I’m concerned. For the rest of us who have spent the past five or so months sitting on the couch in leggings, convincing ourselves that chips are a balanced meal, the time when we’ll have to put on jeans again is definitely not something any of us are looking forward to. Better to just throw the jeans away than deal with that stress, IMO.

As you can see, there are plenty of other potential issues you can encounter that are way more stressful than taking Plan B when you don’t have the facts. If you have birth control failure or unprotected sex and need to take emergency contraception, you can rest assured knowing that Plan B is the #1 ob/gyn recommended emergency contraception brand, and that it helps prevent pregnancy when taken within 72 hours of unprotected sex or birth control failure. It’s not an abortion pill, but it does help prevent pregnancy before it starts by delaying ovulation (no egg + no fertilization = no pregnancy). You can get Plan B at all major retail stores (like Target, Walgreens, CVS, or Rite Aid), without a prescription—just look in the family planning aisle. No prescription, ID, or age requirement. You got this!

Image: jeshoots.com / Unsplash

We have to stop treating oral sex on women as only foreplay. That’s a petition I would sign. Oral sex is nuanced and sexy, and referring to it as foreplay reduces it, as the word itself implies that oral is a lead-up to a bigger event. And while it can be, it shouldn’t always be. Going down on a woman is all about her and her pleasure, and there are few things in the world hotter than that, hand to Bible. 

It’s also one of my favorite hobbies, right up there with red wine and lying down. Going down on a woman is a wildly different experience than typical sex. It’s more sensual and honestly involves a lot of vulnerability for both parties. It’s a literal baring of the most personal part of your body to someone else’s face. And because the vulva and vagina are between the legs, not flapping around in the breeze like a guy’s junk, oral sex on a woman is that much more intimate. It isn’t that a penis is less intimate than a vagina; it’s just that it’s more visible, and that generally makes it less mysterious. 

There are also a lot of misconceptions out there about going down on lady parts. Girls seem to think that guys can be reluctant about it, because women have been taught or convinced that their vagina, labia and/or vulva look weird, smell weird, or are otherwise somehow undesirable to have near someone else’s face. Guys, however, regularly snap photos of their dick and send them out like Christmas cards. On the flip side, however, guys can also be a little intimidated to go down on a woman. It’s a lot of pressure, and it’s definitely not something you can dive into half-assed.

With guys it’s all laid out there, ready to go (the penis, I’m talking about the penis) whereas us girls have plenty of nerve endings to enjoy—they’re just not quite as physically obvious. No, it’s not that hard to find the clit by any means—that’s another myth perpetuated by the lazy—but getting a girl off is admittedly a bit more complicated than getting a guy off. Whereas blowjob technique is basically universal for men, there’s no universal guide for going down. What works and what doesn’t is different for every single vagina-haver out there, although there are a few baseline similarities. The vajay is simply a bit more temperamental than her male counterparts. She needs attention, consistency, and a little time. Like all divas, the clitoris is more than ready to bring the house down, but first she’s going to need some sparkling mineral water and a bubble bath. Ya feel? But rest assured, she’s got everything you need for mind-blowing oral with just a couple tips to help you give her what she’s looking for, aka, a toe-curling orgasm. There are plenty of ways to rock her world, so let’s get stoked about cunnilingus! (Sorry. There’s just no way to make that word sexy.)

1. Crazy Techniques Don’t Really Work

“What?!” you might say. “What about all those weird tips about writing the ABCs or rolling your tongue?” Yeah, that’s not a thing. You should definitely take your time and not rush things. And while some variety in the beginning in terms of pressure and tongue direction is great, the real thing that’s going to get someone off is consistent, repetitive movement in one targeted area. There’s plenty of room to play down there, but just know that if you end up too far off the map, it basically feels the same as if you were licking the elbow. The exact technique and location needed vary from person to person, but a lot of guys don’t know this basic information and, through no fault of their own, spend a lot of time all over the place when the real money area is in a much more focused zone that needs consistency above all else. Switching things up after finding what’s really working is not the move. A woman’s orgasm is a slow build, and if you move or change what you’re doing right when she’s getting into it, she’ll plateau, and no one wants that.

2. Try Different Positions 

Most people have oral sex in the same position (girl lying on her back, partner lying between her legs), but there are plenty of alternatives. The way that your body is tilted or leaning can change which muscles are involved and dramatically affect not only how easy it is to orgasm, but also how powerful it is. Just for example, the 69 position—either on your side or with someone on top of the other—is an option. There’s also having him lie on his back and having the woman straddle his face, or a simpler switch-up like having him stand or kneel on the floor with her legs hanging off the edge of the bed. For those who enjoy penetration, the combo is also a nice twist. Just make sure to fully commit to the position you’re in so that she can spend her energy enjoying herself and not worrying about whether or not you’re into it.

3. Consider Spending Some Time Learning Her Anatomy

Especially if you’re unsure or don’t have a lot of experience giving oral to women, it never hurts to do some research on your own time so you can be informed as to where, exactly, everything is located. The clitoris makes up a small portion of the vaginal area, but is so significant that understanding those nerve endings can only benefit everyone involved. It never fails to shock me how few people (both men and women!) are clueless about the actual anatomical layout of the vag and vulva. There are three holes down there, people. And speaking of the third, as long as you are both comfortable, involving ass play with your oral is a great idea. Oral sex is one of those things that is better messy, much like a blowjob, so getting down and dirty with some emphasis on the dirty can be super hot. Again, ask first. 

One last thing: as stated earlier, communication during this—and all sexual interactions—is vital. It’s important that everyone is on board and enthusiastic about what’s happening. But that being said, a woman also shouldn’t have to coach you every little step of the way. Having to guide and instruct the person down there becomes like another job, and not only is that not sexy, it puts the entirety of the event on her shoulders. The whole interaction is a two-way street, and it’s between the two people involved how it all goes down (pun intended), but don’t make her also be a teacher in her time off. Tune into her signals and what her body is telling you in addition to asking for verbal clarity when you need it. There’s a difference between wanting to give her exactly what she wants in terms of oral and just getting down there and waiting for further instruction like she’s placing her drive-thru order. One implies that you want her to truly enjoy herself, and the other makes it seem like you’re doing her a great favor. And you aren’t. She’s doing you one. Recognize.

Image: Sharon McCutcheon / Unsplash

First comes Love Is Blind, then comes marriage, then comes yet another f*cking reality dating show. It’s 2020, and most of us can relate to being isolated and isolated and sex-starved, but imagine this: you’re champagne-wasted on a free beach resort vaca surrounded by super hot people…the catch is, you’re literally not allowed to hook up with anyone unless you want to lose money. Harry Jowsey, the Australian hunk from Netflix’s reality dating show Too Hot To Handle, has experienced this ~traumatic~ experience firsthand. On the most recent episode of the Let Me Finish podcast, Taylor Jackson and Abby Lloyd sat down with Harry to discuss his recent breakup, sex, and breakup sex. 

Harry and his THTH costar Francesca Farago, a Canadian model and Instagram personality, left the show together, broke up, then got engaged during the reunion special. But, in true influencer fashion, Francesca announced their second split via a YouTube video entitled “Our Break Up.” According to Harry, he was totally blindsided by the video, since he and Francesca had actually filmed a joint video explaining their breakup. “Everything was going to be civil, but she posted her video and it kinda just had a whole bunch of fabricated stories to attack me,” he said. “And I was like, I’ve got receipts and everything.” (Screenshots, screenshots, screenshots, people.)

The dramatic breakup has, understandably, been pretty tough on Harry’s mental health. In addition to anxiety attacks and a loss of appetite, he’s been getting attacked by commenters on his Instagram and TikTok accounts. “I don’t know what happened with me and Francesca because we had a great relationship, the breakup wasn’t bad, we just didn’t see eye-to-eye on a whole bunch of stuff,” he said. “Then that video got posted and then she just kept sending this tirade of hate toward me and my friends and my family, and I was like, ‘I don’t know who she’s talking to or who’s in her corner, because this isn’t the girl that I know.” As if the heart-wrenching breakup weren’t bad enough, Harry now has to call in his lawyers. “It’s gotten to a point where it’s affecting my brand…so I’m like okay, everything you’re saying is a lie, so…” We’re here for this passive aggression.

Francesca rebounded quickly, while Harry—who really is too hot to handle IRL, Abby confirms—has been easing back into the dating game. Just this weekend, he took a girl to dinner then to a party with a bunch of Gen Z TikTok stars (seems like a pretty sh*tty date idea, but that’s just me). Turns out, his date had ~history~ with one of the other guys there and ended up leaving with him, so Harry ended the night, declaring, ”Okay, I’m calling an Uber, I’m going home.” I mean, we’ve all been there. On the bright side, this means that Harry is single….He reports that he’s into tattoos, girls that text first, and post-breakup sex, so slide on into those DMs, ladies.

For more on Harry’s love and sex life, listen to the full interview on the latest episode of the Let Me Finish podcast.

Images: harryjowsey / Instagram

If you’ve spent your quarantine without a significant other, it’s been a long, sexless three months. Since mid-March, any kind of physical dating has been paused indefinitely, and sex with anyone who’s not your roommate has been, uh, not an option. The only human touch I’ve felt in the last 90 days is that one time when the grocery store cashier insisted on personally handing my receipt to me, and I’ll be honest, it made me feel alive.

But now that states are beginning to reopen, and a lot of people have just decided that they’re done caring about the ongoing pandemic, where do our sex lives go from here? Thankfully the government knows that we all need guidance during this tough time, and the New York City Health Department has released a handy factsheet entitled Safer Sex and COVID-19. Someone at the Health Department has a sense of humor, and the advice ranges from informational to absurd.

First, the factsheet gets us up to speed on COVID-19, saying, “You can get COVID-19 from a person who has it.” Duh? Considering most of us have barely left the house other than to get groceries and protest police brutality, I’d hope we’re all pretty aware of the basics of how coronavirus is contracted.

The factsheet then tells us that it’s safest to only have sex with those close to you, and that “you are your safest sex partner.” But while it’s reassuring to hear that masturbation can’t cause coronavirus (it’s 2020, you never know), I think we’re all reading this for the same reason. We want to know when we can have, like, sex sex. And the NYC government isn’t judging—they get it!

For now, they advise having “as few partners as possible,” and discussing possible COVID exposure and symptoms just like you would any other safe sex topics. But those aren’t the only rules they suggest. They say you should, “avoid kissing anyone who is not part of your small circle,” and that you should strongly consider wearing a mask during sex. If you’ve been looking for a kink to get into, your decision may have just been made for you. In fact, the factsheet specifically suggests that you “Make it a little kinky” by getting creative with your positions. They add that you can use “physical barriers, like walls, that allow sexual contact while preventing close face to face contact.” Did… did the government just advocate for the use of glory holes? I have to say, I’m a little speechless right now. Just remember that apparently “heavy breathing and panting” make spreading the virus more likely, so like, don’t get too into it.

And because the NYC Health Department isn’t a regular mom, they’re a cool mom, they even give guidelines for group sex scenarios, and I appreciate that the Health Department is giving advice suited to a range of sexual preferences. While stipulating that “large gatherings of any type are not safe” right now, they’ve still got some advice for those who “decide to find a crowd.” Again, masks and no kissing are the way to go, but they also add that you should “pick larger, more open, and well-ventilated spaces.” So uh, I guess I’ll see you this weekend at the masked warehouse orgy?

The factsheet also offers a word of advice to those who “usually meet your sex partners online or make a living by having sex.” First of all, props to them for referring to sex workers in such a respectful way. You really love to see it. They suggest not seeing anyone in person for now, and instead utilizing “video dates, sexting, subscription-based fan platforms, sexy ‘Zoom parties’ or chat rooms” if it is an option.

While I greatly appreciate the comedy factor of some of these tips (mainly the glory hole suggestion), all of this advice is real, and we can’t forget the fact that we’re still in the middle of a deadly pandemic. Miss Rona might be getting in the way of your hot girl summer plans, but be sure to make good choices regardless. Thanks for coming to my health class, now get out there and find a sexy Zoom party!

Images: snglrty / Shutterstock

Ah, Cosmo. While I’m sure that, at one point in time, it was a radical feminist publication, now it mainly serves as a source of a good laugh—at least, as far as their sex tips are concerned. I feel like their pitch meetings must consist of a bunch of bored twentysomethings sitting at a table playing sexual MadLibs. “I need an O-shaped noun, a synonym for penis, and an adverb!” “Bagel, member, discreetly!” “Yes, that’s it! ‘Place a bagel atop your man’s member and discreetly move it in small circles…” I’m not mad about it, because it’s given us plenty of material to roast. We’ve come for their dating advice, their sex positions, and oh yeah, that one homemade sex toy involving a sock and a plastic bag. I feel like at this point they should put a disclaimer at the top of these articles that reads, “No sexually active persons were involved in the making of this article.” And now they are back at it again, with an article oddly specifically titled, “This Sext Has A 99.2% Success Rate” that ran in the February 2020 print issue of the magazine. *Cracks knuckles gleefully* I can’t wait for this.

First thoughts: A 99.2% success rate? Wow, that’s specific! How did they arrive at this figure, you ask? Was it through analyzing data received from surveys? A double-blind empirical study? Not quite. Per the article’s dek, the author in question asked nearly 1,000 guys to “share their takes on the hottest sexts they’ve ever seen”. After “some collating, synthesizing, and data analyzing,” Cosmo returns with the “top-ten ranking of the world’s most effective sexts.” Wait, so is this a ranking or a guarantee for success? Because if it’s a ranking, then by definition, some of these sexts will be less effective than others. And if they’re all 99.2% effective, then there is no ranking. So I ask you, Cosmo:

Ambiguous methodology aside, that’s not why we are really here. We are obviously here to get a load of what cringey messages Cosmo is passing off as fool-proof sexts. And there are some real winners in this list:

Okay, so I guess the first thing I feel the need to point out is that half of these are only a good idea to send if you actually want the recipient of your texts to come over at 2am. In which case, you can skip all the soft-core porn language and just be like “U up? Come over.” I promise you he will get the point. Because if you are just like, feeling yourself and want some assistance while you rub one out (don’t worry, I will be throwing myself in the nearest ravine for that phrasing), the last thing you want is some horned-up dude showing up to your place because you low-key explicitly invited him over to jackhammer your cervix and then ask you if it was good. Now you have to deal with his general existence, ego, and the fact that he’s going to pass out spread eagle style and take up your entire bed…

Anyway. These sexts.

“I’m out with my friends and I’m secretly drenched just thinking about you” — I thought there was no word less sexy than “moist”, but somehow, “drenched” is really coming in a close second for me. Leave your tenth grade literary devices lesson at home, and just say you’re wet.

“Just showered. Wish you were here :(“ — I’m just personally against sending any message that, out of context, could 100% belong on r/niceguys or any Instagram account that exposes f*ckboys’ texts.

“I want you to finger me until I come on your hand” — Okay, are we spelling it “come” now? It’s only “cum” when guys do it? This is not really a point of contention, so much as me genuinely wanting to know. Not going to lie, I think they are on the money with the specificity of this one, I just think that specificity is misplaced. Never have I ever had a guy get excited about the prospect of fingering me until I came on his hand. His hand?! Eat me out until I came on his face? Absolutely. But I feel like if I sent this text about fingering, he’d just be like, “why? Are we in middle school?” I feel like there is a reason that there are no song lyrics about riding someone’s hand.

“NSFW Snap coming your way” —This one is hilarious for two reasons. One, you can just send the Snap without announcing you’re going to send it. It’s like people who ask, “Can I ask you a question?” before they ask you the actual question. But two, and more importantly, is the little author’s note, which reads, “The promise of visuals is key. No actual pics needed—it’s the tease itself that slays him.” I feel like they included this caveat so no one would accuse them of telling their audience to send nudes. If you’re not comfortable sending sexy pics, that is perfectly okay, and don’t do it. But also don’t promise to do it. That’s just weird! He’ll probably get turned on for like, 30 minutes, then get confused and send you a bunch of “?” texts, and then be like:

If you don’t send nudes, be upfront and tell whoever you’re texting that. A simple “I don’t do that” works. Don’t half-acquiesce, you’re just setting yourself up for more problems in the future.

And one final glaring hole I noticed in this list (no pun intended, I swear) is that nowhere is it encouraged for women to actually use the word pussy. I can promise you, it will not scare the guy off (the opposite, in fact—if you don’t believe me, just spend like, five minutes scrolling the comments section on Pornhub). And if it does? Good, that’s one guy you should not let near your—yeah, I’m going to say it—PUSSY. I just take an issue with the fact that this is attempting to (sort of) empower women to take control of their own sexuality (even if it is, in this instance, to ultimately please a man), and not even encourage them to even mention their own sex organs!!! If you hate the word on a personal level, that’s fine, but I’m a little shocked it didn’t come up in even one suggestion, when we have two sexts with the word “dick”.

To be fair, a bunch of these are solid sexts. “Can I come over and sit on your face”? classic. “I want your dick so bad”? a banger. “I can’t wait to come over and suck your dick”? Works 60% of the time, every time. Cosmo, I would say that you can do a little better than this, but I’m not really sure that you can, and at this point, I don’t even think I want you to.

Images: Michael Gresset / Unsplash; Cosmo; Giphy (2)

I live for a good headline, so it should come as a surprise to no one that I clicked a story titled, “5 Positions to Use With Homemade Sex Toys”. Just to be clear, I didn’t click and read this entire article on, you guessed it, Cosmopolitan, because I am trying to break into the DIY sex toy industry, but rather because I had a rough morning and needed a good LOL. This article definitely worked. 

As the guy I’m seeing continuously reminds me, I’m no sex savant, but after reading a few articles on this ridiculous publication that somehow still exists, I have to say, neither are Cosmo’s writers. I didn’t read the story with the intention of picking apart every little thing because I just don’t have that kind of time, but before I get into it, I would just like to destroy the title real quick. There is never a need to make your own sex toys or vibrators. If you’re traveling and forgot to pack one, an electric toothbrush is not the answer. I read this article with no intention of trying out any of these, but after reading the very persuasive dek (“These sex positions you can—and should—do RTFN.”), I decided they were right: I should do one of these right the f*ck now! 

So I did number one and it was horrible. In other news, the pope is Catholic. I first read this “tip” in our article on terrible sex advice when you’re home for the holidays, and decided I had to try this out for myself to try to figure out what kind of deranged person would think this was a good idea. Here is what Cosmo wanted me and this poor guy who didn’t know what he was getting himself into to do: 

If you are staying at someone’s house over the holidays and need to avoid certain seminal evidence, make the easiest masturbator ever by filling a plastic sandwich bag with lube. Put a sock around it for a better grip and stroke up and down your partner’s penis while they rub you. Afterward, seal it up then hide the living hell out of that baggie.

First of all, I’m starting a petition to have the phrase “seminal evidence” deleted from the English language. Secondly, isn’t the “easiest masturbator ever,” like, your hand? Third, and perhaps most important, this is just jerking someone off with a lot of unnecessary equipment, and it doesn’t seem like I get anything out of it. If all he has to do is touch my clit using what he normally uses (his hand), why do I need a makeshift condom and a f*cking sock to get him off?

Lastly, if he’s finishing in the sandwich bag (which I’m instructed to hide instead of throw away????), are we not having sex after? This weird rubbing is the whole show? Honestly, not that I ever think about this, but if I did, I imagine this is how Pete Buttigieg prefers to be jacked off. It’s so weird and too sterile to be enjoyed by anyone else. 

Anyway, for the sake of journalism, I put my woes aside and spent the money I was planning on using for dinner on $27 lube and plastic baggies. Here we go, folks.

To set the scene, he was laying on his back propped up against all 72 of my pillows and I was sitting on my knees facing him. I know this sounds really awkward, and, don’t worry, it sure was, but this was the only way to do it without getting lube everywhere, which would have been decidedly more uncomfortable. Now, I was off to an awkward start because I haven’t actually given a hand job since high school, I think, and kind of forgot what to do. He was laying there looking like he’d rather claw his own throat out than let me put his dick in a lube-filled baggie, but because he’s an angel, I guess, he let me get a few strokes in before we officially agreed this was f*cking awful.

Honestly, this wouldn’t have been so bad if I could have muted the baggie, which sounded like unwrapping one of those butterscotch candies at your grandma’s house. My guy didn’t seem to mind the crinkly sound, but I did, so I tried to cover it up by rambling complete nonsense. Turns out that kinda kills the mood!

As far as the the sock, we didn’t use one because we didn’t see the point unless we were using a barre sock with grips on the bottom. Wouldn’t a very smooth sock against a very smooth baggie make you lose your grip as opposed to making  it better? 

Anyway, even though I sincerely tried to make this a good experience for him, there was something violently unappealing about stroking someone’s dick that’s both drenched in lube and wrapped in a f*cking ziploc bag that made me want to call the whole thing off. For the record, he didn’t hate it as much as I thought he would, but I just couldn’t get past the fact that there was a plastic bag between my hand and his dick. 

As for the rubbing me part, there were approximately zero angles to even try this without lube getting everywhere. So after what felt like 800 years, we finally called it. Even though he was the only one getting ~pleasure~ out of this, I still wanted to thank him for agreeing to let me ruin sex for him drain our dignity together, so I gave him a blowjob, which, if you can believe it, is even better than a baggie for disposing of “seminal evidence.” Should I become a sex writer?

If I don’t win a Pulitzer for journalism after this, I quit. I did learn one valuable lesson, though, and that is: lube is low-key an important substance to have handy. Just for sh*ts and gigs the next morning, we put some of this on before sex and it was quite possibly the best sex I’ve ever had. He also definitely enjoyed me putting it on beforehand (probably because no baggies were involved), so maybe Cosmo should write about that instead of instructing women to suck on a f*cking ice cube seconds before going down on someone? Just a thought. 

Images: Yifan Zhang / Unsplash; Giphy (2)

It’s that time of year again, friends. With the holidays approaching, you’re poised to buy gifts, head home, and barely tolerate spend time with loved ones for several days. If you’re bringing a significant other home with you, it can be challenging to find some alone time. And it definitely presents a dilemma. Do you get it on in your childhood bed? How many future holidays will you ruin if your parents happen to hear? Fortunately, our fellow publications have once again come through with some truly batsh*t sex advice, this time with a home for the holidays theme. Prepare to be bewildered.

 1. Have A Holly Jolly Playlist

The close quarters and proximity to relatives already makes home for the holidays sex a bit of a buzzkill (unless you’re an exhibitionist, I don’t know your kinks). But the good people of POPSUGAR managed to find a way to make things even more awkward by suggesting “you crank those holiday tunes a little bit louder” to drown out any suspicious, um, noise. I’ve mentioned before that I’m not personally a huge fan of sex playlists, but I understand that with a non-tool playing DJ under the right circumstances it can work. What I can’t abide is the thought of getting it on to songs like “Jingle Bell Rock” and “Little Drummer Boy.” Not only am I drying up at the thought, this idea makes absolutely no sense. You mean to tell me that two people in a romantic relationship who have left the larger group to hang out behind a closed door blasting Christmas tunes will evoke no suspicion whatsoever? If anything, you’re pretty much guaranteed to hear an unwanted pa rum pum pum pum at said door.

2. Baby, It’s F*cking Cold Outside

For those who don’t want to risk scarring disturbing their family, there’s always the option of taking things outside the bedroom you grew up in. I would have suggested maybe the shower, but the authors at Life by LaserAway advise readers to “try having sex in a car or some bushes outside.” The car suggestion isn’t my favorite, but I’ll leave it alone because at least that’s an enclosed space. What I’m really baffled by is the casual suggestion of “some bushes outside.” Unless you live in a fairly warm climate year-round, it’s likely to be cold as Santa’s balls during the holidays. Even if you’re cool with vaginal frostbite, there’s the issue of a potential bush-induced rash or other irritation. Call me neurotic, but I don’t think this is what Musique meant when they sang “Push, push in the bush.”

3. Carol Of The Basement

If, like me, you’d prefer to keep your bush away from an actual bush this holiday season, you’ll need to get a little creative in terms of locale. Our friends at Today have the following suggestion: “Basements were made for make-outs and even though you haven’t used one for that reason in decades, there’s no reason not to start now.” I wouldn’t say no reason. There’s no place less sexy in a house to bone in than a dank basement. It’s an assault on the senses: the musty smells, the endless eyesores consisting of your boyfriend’s middle school soccer trophies and his mom’s workout equipment from the 80s, and the rug burn you’re sure to get from trying to maneuver on moldy carpet that was put down when Jimmy Carter was in office. Just me?

 4. Rockin’ Around The Pantry

Rounding out the list of sh*tty places to bang when you’re desperate is this gem from the folks at Elite Daily: “This might sound crazy, but making out in the pantry is honestly really cute.” Cute isn’t quite the word I’d use, but sure. Unless you’re, I don’t know, Logan Roy, a pantry is barely going to fit a 4-year-old playing hide and seek, let alone two people f*cking. If we really want to get cute, we might as well add laundry hamper to the list! So adorable. I’m all for proximity to snacks, but the idea of a pantry pounding is just bonkers. Again, may I humbly suggest the shower?

5. Santa Claus Is Coming WHERE?!

And now, ladies and gentlemen, we have the jewel in the crown and the inspiration for this hard-hitting piece of journalism. Of course it comes from Cosmo, where sex tips are notorious for stretching the definition of “advice”: “If you are staying at someone’s house over the holidays and need to avoid certain seminal evidence, make the easiest masturbator ever by filling a plastic sandwich bag with lube. Put a sock around it for a better grip and stroke up and down your partner’s penis while they rub you. Afterward, seal it up then hide the living hell out of that baggie.” There are so many layers to this “tip,” and I mean literal layers. A plastic sandwich bag and a sock? What kind of f*cked up MacGyver sh*t is this? And if we’re gonna be this extra when it comes to the raw materials needed for this “masturbator,” where are the explicit instructions for disposal of this literal scumbag? Isn’t hiding it way riskier than throwing it out, because someone could find your cum-filled sock and sandwich bag? And you’re meant to hide it where, exactly—under the tree? This gives a whole new meaning to a gift from Santa’s sack.

Home for the holidays sex can be complicated, but there’s no need to be extra about it, unless frozen limbs and makeshift condoms are your thing. If so, godspeed. If not, just wait until everyone is asleep and keep quiet so as not to wake an unsuspecting relative. With that in mind, may your days be merry and your nights silent.

Images: Ian Schneider / Unsplash; Giphy (5)