Ah, the infamous celebrity sex tape. We love ‘em, celebrities hate ‘em. It seems like it’s been a hot minute since news has spread about the last celebrity to have purposely accidentally leaked a commercially produced video intended for sales private video that they are mortified to be released. Sigh. But fear not, I’ve done us all a favor and compiled a list of infamous celebrity sex tapes to bring back the good ol’ days of watching porn for the celebrity spottings, rather than sexual pleasure. Simpler times.
1. Kim Kardashian
I wouldn’t say anyone has completely forgotten about Kim Kardashian’s sex tape (Ray J certainly hasn’t), but I do feel like we don’t remember it often enough. Back in 2007, when the first iPhone was put on the market and Britney Spears shaved her head, a sex tape featuring Kim Kardashian and then-boyfriend, Ray J, was released by Vivid Entertainment. Whether this was a carefully orchestrated plan by momager Kris Jenner or not (it was), this tape put Kim K and the rest of her family on the map, jumpstarting their successful careers. It also kind of put celebrity sex tapes in general on the map as a way to enhance one’s fame rather than nuke one’s career. Apparently, seven years after her momentous debut, Kim and Kayne West reportedly filmed a sex tape in 2014, but it has not been released to the public, probably out of fear that it would rip a hole in the space time continuum. I cannot help but picture Kris as Regina George’s mom during the filming of both of these sex tapes.
2. Paris Hilton
In 2003, back when Kim was just Paris’ assistant (I think, don’t quote me), Paris used her name to her advantage and 1 Night in Paris was released. Her tape with ex Rick Salomon (whose name looks like a typo but isn’t) went on to win three AVN awards, presented by the American adult video industry trade magazine, in 2005. I guess if you’re going to have your sex tape leaked, to your humiliation, right before the premiere of your new reality show, it better win some fucking awards.
3. Pamela Anderson
She wasn’t nicknamed “Rubber Band” for nothing (incidentally that was my nickname in college, but for different reasons). In 1996, Pam filmed a sex tape with famously huge penis-haver Tommy Lee, and in 1998, she filmed another one with Bret Michaels. Bret would then go on to film Rock Of Love, a show where women competed for the honor of having him give them HPV, and Rock Of Love Bus, where they did the same thing but on a bus. Did Bret’s brief on-camera appearance in Pam’s sex tape motivate him to appear on Rock of Love years later? Probably not, but a girl can dream, right?
4. Hulk Hogan
In 2007, a video was leaked of Hulk having sex with his best friend, SpongeBob Square Pants Bubba the Love Sponge’s wife, Heather Cole. I don’t know what is scarier about this sex tape: the security footage-like filming of it planted by Bubba (since neither of them knew that they were being filmed—someone call the SVU), the fact that Hulk was having sex with his best friend’s wife while both couples were still married, or Hulk’s tan lines. Or perhaps it’s the fact that a GROWN ADULT MAN willingly chooses to go by “Bubba”. Actually, if I had to pick the scariest part, I’d say it’s the fact that this sex tape brought down Gawker.
5. Tila Tequila
Are we even shocked? Next.
6. Nadya Suleman
Another person’s desperate attempt at fame. Remember Octomom? Yeah, weird times. In 2012, she released a solo sex tape called “Octomom at Home.” I assume that “solo sex tape” this means she’s masturbating, but I’m on my work computer so not gonna look that up. The name leaves much to be desired. It kind of sounds like the next Spider-Man movie. I get that desperate times call for desperate measures, but this seems a little excessive. This is my mental image of Octomom’s sex tape:
7. Dustin Diamond
The artist formerly known as Screech graciously gave the world a tape of him having sex. Not sure why. It was the celebrity sex tape literally nobody asked for.
Images: Giphy (3)
As you probably know by now, Robert Kardashian Jr. (the saddest and least hot of the Kardashians) has had something of a mental breakdown on Instagram this morning. Honestly, every day that Rob doesn’t have a public mental breakdown is a miracle, so I’m not surprised. In a series of truly insane Instas that included grammatically dubious notes, videos, and photos of both Blac Chyna (Angela Kardashian if ya nasty) and the man she is supposedly cheating with, the most weed-addicted Kardashian accused his baby mama of cheating with multiple men, getting plastic surgery, and honestly it’s still going on as I type this so who knows what else he’ll accuse her of by the time this is done. Probably Russian hacking or some shit. The posts also included several now-deleted nudes that Blac Chyna had sent to him over the course of their relationship, putting literally her entire body on display for all 9.5 million of his followers.
Side note: 9.5 million people are down to follow Rob Kardashian but I can’t even get a text back? Unbelievable.
Based on Rob’s posts, he clearly believes that all of this is just providing the “receipts” and that he has the moral high ground in this situation. If these allegations of cheating “in the bed baby daughter lays in” are true, that’s pretty bad, but you know what’s worse? Leaking your ex’s nudes on social media for revenge.
There’s actually a word for that. It’s called revenge porn, and not only is it the shadiest fuckboy move known to man, it’s also illegal in California. Add the fact that he just ‘grammed her personal phone number (known to creepy internet people as “doxxing”), and Rob may finally get what he’s been trying to achieve since KUWTK season one: becoming the first Kardashian to end up in fucking jail.
And here’s the thing, if Rob wanted to shame Blac Chyna for cheating, he could do that without including the nudes that she sent to him privately. He keeps claiming that he’s posting the “receipts,” but what are these photos the “receipts” for? That two people who have a baby together were sexting? These posts were literally only made to embarrass Chyna, slut-shame her, and put her entire body on display, and in posting them Rob lost every shred of credibility he had. Which was not much to begin with, TBH. I mean, he uses the word “whore” a lot. Like…a lot a lot…and to talk about his own sisters, so it’s not really shocking he’d have such a huge lack of respect for the mother of his child.
Sure, being cheated on sucks, and people do things in the heat of the moment. But posting sexual images of your ex is not a heat-of-the-moment thing. It’s fucked up, it’s a crime, and it has real consequences. Like yes, we’ve all done things during breakups that we’d like to take back. But those things are usually sending too many drunk texts that you thought were “empowering” at the time but make no sense in the sober light of day, or making out with his ugly friend to annoy him. This does not include committing a criminal sexual act for the entire world to see. It’s like, the difference between flaming someone in a subtweet and actually going to their house and lighting them on fire. One is a natural part of the breakup process. The other is a crime and makes you a crazy person. Critical distinction.
This is what so many men have yet to realize—you can dislike a woman and make a case against her without trying to “expose” her (literally) as a slut to the world. Chyna sent those photos to her baby daddy (Rob) and they were meant to be private. I get that Chyna is not necessarily the most wholesome person in the world, but she still has a right to keep her private images between herself and the person she sent them to. Every woman has that right. Every PERSON has that right. These images have absolutely nothing to do with the alleged cheating that took place, and even if they did, Rob could make his case without putting her body on blast.
And not to combat body shaming with body shaming, but maybe Rob should think about how he would feel if nude photos of his chest, ass, and genitals were leaked to the internet? I’m sure Blac Chyna has them, and I fully appreciate her reluctance to force those images on the public, but it’s definitely hypocritical for Rob to act like the sexting didn’t go both ways here.
Side note: Always ask for return nudes from a fuckboy if you doubt his loyalty. It’s called mutually assured destruction, and it’s very powerful.
Look, Blac Chyna isn’t perfect. She tried to trademark the name Angela Kardashian and stole all of Rob’s Eggos (horrifying). But just because someone has snake-like tendencies and a questionable Instagram persona, doesn’t mean that the rules of feminism basic human decency and THE FREAKING LAW don’t apply to them. Chyna has just as much a right to not have compromising photos of her put online as a the ultra-Christian girl who your parents are always trying to make you be friends with. And if you don’t think those girls have nudes, you’ve never been to a Christian sleep-away camp.
The bottom line here is that revenge porn is never okay, and once you stoop to that level IDGAF if your baby momma cheated on you 100 times in your bed with your baby, you are no longer deserving of sympathy and must take literally every seat. Rob, this shit wasn’t cool when someone (your mom) did it to your sister, and it’s not cool for you to do it now.
