There are a lot of major firsts in a person’s life, from their first big job to their first real relationship (…to the first time they got fired from said real job and dumped from said real relationship). And while yes, careers and partners are important, the bigger—and dare I say, much more fun to talk about—milestones stem from sex. I don’t know about you, but when my friends tell stories about their careers or the person they’ve been married to for five years, my eyes glaze over. But when it’s about that wild hookup they had in college? I’m all ears, taking notes. And my all-time favorite hookup stories are always ones that involve an extra person. Enter: the not-so-mythical threesome.
Now, ICYMI, threesomes aren’t exactly as taboo as Gossip Girl once made them seem. In fact, lots of people are having them. People who like, have pets and partners and houseplants. And because I think threesomes are our future (six hands and three tongues? Come on, now), I decided to chat with five millennials who’ve been there, done that. In some of the hottest email exchanges of my life, these folks agreed to reveal all the dirty details surrounding getting it on with two people at once. And because these stories are so scandy, we’re keeping the sources anonymous. We don’t want to pull a Dan Humphrey and ruin anyone’s lives because their sexy secrets got spilled to the internet, ya feel?
But don’t worry, you don’t need the real names to understand why threesomes are so scorching. From who was involved to what, exactly, went down, here’s what a ménage à trois is actually like, according to women who’ve managed to check this act off their bucket lists.
How Old Are You?
Person 1: 28
Person 2: 26
Person 3: 31
Person 4: 30
Person 5: 33
And How Old Were You When You Had Your First Threesome?
Person 1: 19
Person 2: 20
Person 3: 25
Person 4: 29
Person 5: 28
Who Was Involved In This Very Special First Threesome?
Person 1: I was “the other woman” in a threesome with my manager from work and his girlfriend.
Person 2: It was with my boyfriend of five years and one of my female friends from college who was willing to experiment.
Person 3: I was the third with my male-female couple friends. We were also all co-workers, oops!
Person 4: My boyfriend and I had been together about a year when we first tried a threesome. We met another man on an app called 3Fun that’s meant for people looking for kink-friendly sexual partners for all different arrangements. (It’s similar to dating apps where you make a profile with your interests and swipe on people.) To be honest, finding a single man looking for a no-strings-attached MFM threesome was much easier than I thought. Finding a single woman who was interested was way harder.
Person 5: I met a Welsh rugby team while traveling solo through Europe. I was staying in the same hotel as them and had a threesome with two teammates who were sharing a room. I had hooked up with one of them the night before.
And Uh, Whose Idea Was It?
Person 1: Lol, probably my manager’s.
Person 2: I think it was mostly thought up between me and the other girl, and my boyfriend was into it.
Person 3: It was the couple’s idea. Not sure which of them, but I have a hunch it was the woman’s.
Person 4: It was always a fantasy for my boyfriend and I, since neither of us had done it before.
Person 5: It kind of came about organically. We were all drunk… When I went to their hotel room, they decided to push the beds together and it just kinda happened.
Did You Do Any Planning/Research Ahead Of Time?
Person 1: Nope.
Person 2: No.
Person 3: None at all.
Person 4: Tons. We researched things we should talk about (before and after), common boundaries, safety tips, etc. We talked to our third person for a while beforehand, and my boyfriend and I came up with a secret safe word in case one of us wanted to stop.
Person 5: No lol. We locked eyes at a bar and the rest is history.
Where Did It All Go Down?
Person 1: HIS PARENTS’ HOUSE.
Person 2: The other girl’s apartment.
Person 3: It started in their apartment pool before we went to their bedroom.
Person 4: My boyfriend and I’s apartment.
Person 5: In their hotel room.
Alright, Now Walk Us Through The Act
Person 1: First, he made us dinner, and then we had a few drinks. I’m pretty sure it was her first time as well, so she and I pretty much just focused on each other. The guy was just kinda… there.
Person 2: I was having a girls’ night with three other friends in college. I was fairly close to my boyfriend’s place, so I walked there afterward. Drunk me had been tossing around the idea of having a threesome with this other girl for a while, so I texted her and she was down. My boyfriend and I then walked to her apartment, and on the way, I set some very loose expectations. It was good at first, but then at some point, I was left out watching my boyfriend have sex with my friend. I don’t fully remember how I got myself back in or how it ended, but he and I walked back to his apartment after. It wasn’t great. Like, at all.
Person 3: We’d had a big summer night out in Austin, the kind you can have at 25—bar hopping, lots of alcohol, maybe some cocaine—and we wanted to keep partying after the bars closed (imagine). We went back to their apartment pool, and the woman waded over to me and started touching me. They were both telling me I was hot, and we all started making out. We went back up to their apartment and did the deed for what seemed like at least an hour. It’s kind of a blur honestly, but it was never awkward or a tangled mess of limbs. In my head, it went pretty smoothly.
Person 4: Our third came over, and we immediately smoked a blunt to relax. To kick things off we sat on the couch—me in the middle—and they both just started touching me and kissing me. We were all a little nervous at first, but after a few minutes we just kind of vibed together. After a little foreplay, we moved to the bedroom. Without getting into too much detail, we tried a few different positions so everyone was always included. We hung out for a little bit, had a drink, smoked a bit more, and just talked about totally normal stuff. He peaced out before my boyfriend and I went to sleep.
Person 5: We laid down in the two pushed-together beds with me in the middle. The guy I liked from the night before started kissing me while his friend—who was laying behind me—began moving his hands up and down my body. We all stopped at one point and started giggling like “Wtf is going on” before we just kind of went with it. None of us had done this before, and I remember them kissing each other once, but the focus was definitely on me and my pleasure.
Did Anything Go Wrong?
Person 1: Not really. The girl left for work, and so my manager and I had sex. It turns out that was a no-no.
Person 2: I felt left out watching my boyfriend have sex with my friend. My self-esteem plummeted.
Person 3: Nah. I thought it was funny the woman took the time to shave in between being in the pool and going to bed because I didn’t mind the hair at all. It was not so funny when the couple broke up later, and I heard the boyfriend thought it was my fault. Like, what did I do?! Sorry your girlfriend liked me better?
Person 4: Our third was a little too rough for me in the beginning. But I mentioned this to my boyfriend, and he asked the third to tone it down, which he immediately respected. Other than that, we did have to take a quick water break at one point, which was kinda strange.
Person 5: The guy I was most interested in (and the one I had been with the night before) ended up not being able to stay hard long enough, so he ended up tapping out and going to bed while his friend and I continued on.
What Was The Best Part?
Person 1: The orgasm. And I kinda felt invincible since it wasn’t MY relationship.
Person 2: The build-up and it getting started, not to mention being with a woman for the first time.
Person 3: When the boyfriend had to leave for work the next morning, the woman was like, “So, wanna try just you and me?” That surprised me, and I like surprises. So we did, and it was hot. That was my first time being with a woman.
Person 4: Once we got over our initial nervousness, we all connected and just kinda vibed. The foreplay started and it was exciting to be with someone new, but also to be sharing the experience with my boyfriend. Plus, we all orgasmed, so that was a major win.
Person 5: Honestly just the fact that this was happening in the first place. I was a virgin until I was 23, and I used to be really selective about my partners. Jumping into something like this was very surreal for me, but also super empowering. I really felt awesome before, during, and after. Tbh I still have a sense of pride and am just awed that it happened.
And The Worst Part?
Person 1: I cannot eat pussy. It’s just not for me.
Person 2: Realizing my relationship was not ready for a threesome. Plus, my boyfriend couldn’t make me orgasm even when it was just the two of us, so I didn’t get off.
Person 3: I was seeing a different guy at the time (non-exclusively), and I stupidly told him about the threesome. He was pissed, which I found extremely boring of him.
Person 4: I felt a little awkward when it was all over. We put our clothes back on and hung out for a little bit, but I just wanted to be close with my boyfriend at that point.
Person 5: There was only one condom. Woof.
What Was The Best Position?
Person 1: I was sitting on the guy’s face, facing the other girl was riding the guy’s *ahem* appendage?
Person 2: I can’t remember!
Person 3: I was on top of the guy, and the woman was behind me feeling me up and watching us have sex. Wait, was that good for everyone or just mostly me?
Person 4: Definitely doggy style.
Person 5: I just like, laid on my back while one guy focused on my top half and the other on my bottom half. Literal goals.
Are You All Still Friends?
Person 1: We’re all married with kids now, but we’re still friends on social media.
Person 2: I broke up with him about a year later, and she and I don’t talk anymore (mostly for another unrelated reason, but the threesome didn’t help).
Person 3: The woman and I stayed friends for quite a while. In fact, after she and the guy broke up, she and I had sex one more time. We weren’t a good fit, but it was never awkward or weird between us after that. In fact, I went to her wedding (to a different guy) years later. They’ve since moved away, but we’re still friendly.
Person 4: No, we lost contact after he moved away.
Person 5: I was never “friends” with them, and I haven’t seen or spoken to them since!
Have You Had Any Other Threesomes Since?
Person 1: I had like, three threesomes total with that same couple. Other than that, it’s only been like, making out or PG-13 touching with other couples.
Person 2: No.
Person 3: Nope! My fiancé and I are theoretically interested in having one with another woman, but we’ve never tried to make it happen. I either get too nervous to approach a woman, or I worry I’ll get jealous, or worse, he’ll get jealous and it’ll become an issue for our relationship.
Person 4: We had two threesomes with the same partner.
Person 5: Nah, once was enough for me.
What Do People Get Wrong About Threesomes?
Person 1: Being like, “I’LL NEVER LET ANOTHER WOMAN TOUCH MY MAN.” You’d be surprised how great it is. Hell, it might even help y’all’s sex life.
Person 2: That it’s just about two girls making out. There are THREE people (hence the name), and clear expectations of what is and is not allowed should be set.
Person 3: That it’s going to be awkward or hard to figure out. I think when you’re confident and secure in yourself, and you clearly communicate, you can have fun without it being weird.
Person 4: That the people having them are some kind of weirdos. We’re totally normal people in a healthy relationship. We’re just very *sexual* normal people who enjoy trying new things and being open.
Person 5: That they’re dirty or gross (which is kind of how I always thought of them). That’s definitely not the case.
Finally, What’s Your Best Threesome Tip?
Person 1: Have a cocktail, watch some videos, and always be the other woman. There’s literally no pressure then.
Person 2: If you are going to do it with your significant other, have a serious and sober conversation about it to make sure you are both ready. Also, I would personally never do it with a friend again.
Person 3: Be the third and then get outta there.
Person 4: Threesomes require major communication and trust. My boyfriend and I talked about our fears, desires, boundaries, expectations, etc. before we ever met with someone else. We also promised each other that if at any point one of us was uncomfortable, we could call it off and support one another. It’s also super important to check in afterward. Talk about what you liked (or didn’t like), if you’d do it again, and how you feel. Finally, make sure to respect your third—they’re a person seeking pleasure too!
Person 5: Stay confident and sure of yourself. You’ve got this.
Image: Irina Efremova / Stocksy.com
I recently moved to a new state: North Dakota, aka the frozen Tundra. Like any newcomer, I needed to put the “D” in Dakota. I swipe for my type, and encountered a baseball player (or should I say BAE-sball player) named Jack*.
Jack was an accountant, so boring, but with money. I can suck up some chatter about credits and debits just to eat at a restaurant even Yelp doesn’t have enough stars for. He was tall. He had a sister that he loved so I assumed he wasn’t a Trump-humping misogynist. He told me I was skinny as he fingered me to shitty superhero movies. You know, how all critically acclaimed love stories begin.
At first, the sex was good. He was very affectionate. He went down on me and was actually pretty stoked about making me finish, because duh. This guy joked he would add “pussy-eating” as a LinkedIn skill and ask for my endorsement.
After a few weeks, he often just wanted to cuddle after we were both done with work and the gym. He chalked it up to being “tired.” I get that. Sometimes you just want to be little spoon and clock out without your cock out. However, over the next few weeks, things declined faster than Rob Kardashian and Black Chyna’s inevitably doomed relationship. When we did have sex, I felt as though he was fingering me, not for my pleasure or for me to orgasm, but rather, just to get me wet enough so that he could have sex with me.
He rushed. He dropped his pants faster than Beyoncé drops a surprise album. He came faster than Beyoncé drops a surprise album.
He was going down on me way less frequently and when he did, I had to ask. He was lickin’ it and kickin’ it for a shorter amount of time, almost as if it was an obligation and not a privilege.
Well, listen up, it is a privilege. I do not shower everyday (well, I do shower everyday regardless of whether or not I’m taking regular trips to pound town, but I rarely wash my hair as I am medically dependent on dry shampoo) and get bikini waxes that cost almost as much as my monthly health insurance payment just for you to treat my cock-pocket subparly. You lucky motherfucker should be calling cunnilingus FUNnilingus.
Now, I get that my ankles are considered pornographic during Midwest winters when everyone wears enough layers to clothe a small country, so you should be pretty fucking grateful when you get to see my entire naked body. (This is obviously after it takes us approximately 30 minutes to undress ourselves and remove our obligatory thermal underwear.)
Ladies, many of you reading have a “Jack.” Any guy that has the absolute honor of making sweet, sweet love to you while you watch Netflix on your ex’s account should absolutely thank his lucky stars that he gets this golden ticket to lick it. You are an absolute rockstar, and this guy should be as excited as you are when the cute cashier “forgets” to charge you for guac at Chipotle.
Jack isn’t Jack Shit. He gets one conversation from you politely warning that he step it up and pep it up. Then, if he doesn’t worship the ground you walk on, he can go Jack off.
*not his real name
This week Jordana and Jared discuss micro-cheating and whether or not men and women can really be just friends. They answer questions from a listener whose boyfriend turns into a caveman when he gets angry and another listener who is offended by the fact that her boyfriend watches porn. They play games involving dating someone with cats and a ‘Live Laugh Love’ sign in their room.
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Jordana and Sami wax condescending on a huge variety of topics this ep. starting with their equal love of obscure movie quotes. After they judge everyone on Vanderpump Rules, namely Jax (who definitely deserves it). After talking about a dude who can’t seem to stop yelling at his girlfriend, they discuss the Women’s March and stress emphatically that their meme signs were meant as no disrespect to those with serious signs. They wrap things up talking about babies and how many on Insta have turned the gestation process into way too many posts. Wow, seriously, you’re exploiting someone who’s not even there. Don’t miss “Dear Betches” this week; this listener wants to keep hooking up with a guy, but her friend is threatening to end their friendship over it.
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Image: Melvin Thambi / Unsplash
I spent a lot of time looking for the “perfect guy”—ya know, a nice boy to settle down with and start a family. I also spent a lot of time running away from all of the guys I dated who seemed to want those things. It seemed like a weird-self destructive pattern, but turns out I didn’t actually want any of it—I just thought it was the only option. And it’s a strange fucking thing, to not want what everyone else around you seems to put on a pedestal. To turn to your boyfriend at a wedding and whisper, “Really, until death do them part? That seems unrealistic”. But you know what? Marriage and kids and monogamy just aren’t for me. And that’s fucking okay.
So, not wanting to get married is not like, revolutionary. And since I live in San Francisco, being in an open relationship isn’t either. But that doesn’t mean it isn’t hard as fuck to explain to most of the people in my life. Turns out it’s difficult for someone to look past what they would want for themselves, to get them to respect that while your life choices may be different, they can still be right. So I’m going to do my best to plead the case for open relationships, but before I preach do, let me start by saying this: If you are a die-hard fan of “till death do us part,” my open relationship is not an affront to your monogamy. You do what makes you happy. But your monogamy shouldn’t make my open relationship any less significant, because I’m gonna do what makes me happy too.
So here it goes, my somewhat experienced guide to a healthy, happy and fulfilling af open relationship:
Step 1: Commitment
Yes, in an open relationship you sleep with or date other people, but at the end of the day, your partner is your partner. You should be there for each other in crisis and want to celebrate with each other in happiness. Sure, you are not committing to only sleeping with each other, but you are definitely committing to being there for each other. And if you don’t have that, then gtfo because that’s not a relationship at all.
Step 2: Set Some Ground Rules
Navigating non-monogamy can be confusing af, and being open can mean something different for every couple. For some it’s “one night stands are okay” and for others it’s “anything goes”. But no matter where you are on the open spectrum, you need to talk to your partner about it. Share what you are comfortable with and where your boundaries lie. Commit to your ground rules in the same way you commit to each other, and check in every once in awhile to make sure you are still on the same page.
Step 3: Be Okay With Jealousy
Jealousy doesn’t go away when you are open, it just takes a different form. It becomes something you talk about and not something you fear. I am open, but that doesn’t mean I don’t get jealous—it means I don’t equate my partner being with someone else to them not being committed to me. So if I get jealous, I’ll tell my boyfriend and vice versa. And if it means we need to re-adjust our boundaries, then we’ll do that.
Step 4: Put Happiness First
A relationship should make you happy; it shouldn’t hold you back. That’s what makes being open so great—you have someone who brings joy to your life, but if you are out one night and you want to flirt with or go home with someone, and that’s going to make you happy, then you can do that too.
Step 5: Choice, Not Compromise
If you wanted monogamy and couldn’t find it, you shouldn’t settle for an open relationship. That doesn’t mean you have to be comfortable with it from the get-go (I wasn’t). It’s okay if it takes time (and numerous breakups) to figure out. But ultimately, it will only work if you feel like it was your choice, not your only option.
And for a final little-known fact about open relationships: You can be open and still choose monogamy. For some couples, it’s about having the option to be with someone else and less about actually being with someone else. So if you feel like you only want what you can’t have, try removing the “can’t” and see what happens.
Images: Aranxa Esteve / Unsplash; Giphy
This week Jordana and Jared discuss how long you should wait before putting the person you’re dating on social media. They answer questions from a listener who wants to know if she should stop having sex with a guy because he’s a Trump supporter and another listener who wants to know what the etiquette is for confirming a first date. They play “Shoot, Fuck, or Marry” and “Red Flag or Dealbreaker” about people who want to be stay at home parents, live off their parents, and have weird voices.
Listen to our other podcast, Betch Slapped!
Image: Pablo Heimplatz / Unsplash
This week Jared and Jordana discuss if it’s possible to not drink while dating. They answer questions from a listener who wants to know why the guy she slept with texts her all day even though he lives in in another state. They also respond to a listener who is tired of dating girls who are overly sarcastic and not sweet enough. They play 2nd Date Dealbreaker involving calorie counting, over-ordering, and being a messy eater.
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Image: Bence Boros / Unsplash
This week Jordana and Jared discuss why a girl might not have sex with a guy she lets sleep over. They answer questions from a listener who wants to know why guys Snapchat her more than they text her and a guy who wants to know if it’s okay to dump a girl he’s been seeing for 4 months over text. They play 2nd Date Dealbreaker involving STIs and farting.
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