There are a lot of major firsts in a person’s life, from their first big job to their first real relationship (…to the first time they got fired from said real job and dumped from said real relationship). And while yes, careers and partners are important, the bigger—and dare I say, much more fun to talk about—milestones stem from sex. I don’t know about you, but when my friends tell stories about their careers or the person they’ve been married to for five years, my eyes glaze over. But when it’s about that wild hookup they had in college? I’m all ears, taking notes. And my all-time favorite hookup stories are always ones that involve an extra person. Enter: the not-so-mythical threesome.
Now, ICYMI, threesomes aren’t exactly as taboo as Gossip Girl once made them seem. In fact, lots of people are having them. People who like, have pets and partners and houseplants. And because I think threesomes are our future (six hands and three tongues? Come on, now), I decided to chat with five millennials who’ve been there, done that. In some of the hottest email exchanges of my life, these folks agreed to reveal all the dirty details surrounding getting it on with two people at once. And because these stories are so scandy, we’re keeping the sources anonymous. We don’t want to pull a Dan Humphrey and ruin anyone’s lives because their sexy secrets got spilled to the internet, ya feel?
But don’t worry, you don’t need the real names to understand why threesomes are so scorching. From who was involved to what, exactly, went down, here’s what a ménage à trois is actually like, according to women who’ve managed to check this act off their bucket lists.
How Old Are You?
Person 1: 28
Person 2: 26
Person 3: 31
Person 4: 30
Person 5: 33
And How Old Were You When You Had Your First Threesome?
Person 1: 19
Person 2: 20
Person 3: 25
Person 4: 29
Person 5: 28
Who Was Involved In This Very Special First Threesome?
Person 1: I was “the other woman” in a threesome with my manager from work and his girlfriend.
Person 2: It was with my boyfriend of five years and one of my female friends from college who was willing to experiment.
Person 3: I was the third with my male-female couple friends. We were also all co-workers, oops!
Person 4: My boyfriend and I had been together about a year when we first tried a threesome. We met another man on an app called 3Fun that’s meant for people looking for kink-friendly sexual partners for all different arrangements. (It’s similar to dating apps where you make a profile with your interests and swipe on people.) To be honest, finding a single man looking for a no-strings-attached MFM threesome was much easier than I thought. Finding a single woman who was interested was way harder.
Person 5: I met a Welsh rugby team while traveling solo through Europe. I was staying in the same hotel as them and had a threesome with two teammates who were sharing a room. I had hooked up with one of them the night before.
And Uh, Whose Idea Was It?
Person 1: Lol, probably my manager’s.
Person 2: I think it was mostly thought up between me and the other girl, and my boyfriend was into it.
Person 3: It was the couple’s idea. Not sure which of them, but I have a hunch it was the woman’s.
Person 4: It was always a fantasy for my boyfriend and I, since neither of us had done it before.
Person 5: It kind of came about organically. We were all drunk… When I went to their hotel room, they decided to push the beds together and it just kinda happened.
Did You Do Any Planning/Research Ahead Of Time?
Person 1: Nope.
Person 2: No.
Person 3: None at all.
Person 4: Tons. We researched things we should talk about (before and after), common boundaries, safety tips, etc. We talked to our third person for a while beforehand, and my boyfriend and I came up with a secret safe word in case one of us wanted to stop.
Person 5: No lol. We locked eyes at a bar and the rest is history.
Where Did It All Go Down?
Person 1: HIS PARENTS’ HOUSE.
Person 2: The other girl’s apartment.
Person 3: It started in their apartment pool before we went to their bedroom.
Person 4: My boyfriend and I’s apartment.
Person 5: In their hotel room.
Alright, Now Walk Us Through The Act
Person 1: First, he made us dinner, and then we had a few drinks. I’m pretty sure it was her first time as well, so she and I pretty much just focused on each other. The guy was just kinda… there.
Person 2: I was having a girls’ night with three other friends in college. I was fairly close to my boyfriend’s place, so I walked there afterward. Drunk me had been tossing around the idea of having a threesome with this other girl for a while, so I texted her and she was down. My boyfriend and I then walked to her apartment, and on the way, I set some very loose expectations. It was good at first, but then at some point, I was left out watching my boyfriend have sex with my friend. I don’t fully remember how I got myself back in or how it ended, but he and I walked back to his apartment after. It wasn’t great. Like, at all.
Person 3: We’d had a big summer night out in Austin, the kind you can have at 25—bar hopping, lots of alcohol, maybe some cocaine—and we wanted to keep partying after the bars closed (imagine). We went back to their apartment pool, and the woman waded over to me and started touching me. They were both telling me I was hot, and we all started making out. We went back up to their apartment and did the deed for what seemed like at least an hour. It’s kind of a blur honestly, but it was never awkward or a tangled mess of limbs. In my head, it went pretty smoothly.
Person 4: Our third came over, and we immediately smoked a blunt to relax. To kick things off we sat on the couch—me in the middle—and they both just started touching me and kissing me. We were all a little nervous at first, but after a few minutes we just kind of vibed together. After a little foreplay, we moved to the bedroom. Without getting into too much detail, we tried a few different positions so everyone was always included. We hung out for a little bit, had a drink, smoked a bit more, and just talked about totally normal stuff. He peaced out before my boyfriend and I went to sleep.
Person 5: We laid down in the two pushed-together beds with me in the middle. The guy I liked from the night before started kissing me while his friend—who was laying behind me—began moving his hands up and down my body. We all stopped at one point and started giggling like “Wtf is going on” before we just kind of went with it. None of us had done this before, and I remember them kissing each other once, but the focus was definitely on me and my pleasure.
Did Anything Go Wrong?
Person 1: Not really. The girl left for work, and so my manager and I had sex. It turns out that was a no-no.
Person 2: I felt left out watching my boyfriend have sex with my friend. My self-esteem plummeted.
Person 3: Nah. I thought it was funny the woman took the time to shave in between being in the pool and going to bed because I didn’t mind the hair at all. It was not so funny when the couple broke up later, and I heard the boyfriend thought it was my fault. Like, what did I do?! Sorry your girlfriend liked me better?
Person 4: Our third was a little too rough for me in the beginning. But I mentioned this to my boyfriend, and he asked the third to tone it down, which he immediately respected. Other than that, we did have to take a quick water break at one point, which was kinda strange.
Person 5: The guy I was most interested in (and the one I had been with the night before) ended up not being able to stay hard long enough, so he ended up tapping out and going to bed while his friend and I continued on.
What Was The Best Part?
Person 1: The orgasm. And I kinda felt invincible since it wasn’t MY relationship.
Person 2: The build-up and it getting started, not to mention being with a woman for the first time.
Person 3: When the boyfriend had to leave for work the next morning, the woman was like, “So, wanna try just you and me?” That surprised me, and I like surprises. So we did, and it was hot. That was my first time being with a woman.
Person 4: Once we got over our initial nervousness, we all connected and just kinda vibed. The foreplay started and it was exciting to be with someone new, but also to be sharing the experience with my boyfriend. Plus, we all orgasmed, so that was a major win.
Person 5: Honestly just the fact that this was happening in the first place. I was a virgin until I was 23, and I used to be really selective about my partners. Jumping into something like this was very surreal for me, but also super empowering. I really felt awesome before, during, and after. Tbh I still have a sense of pride and am just awed that it happened.
And The Worst Part?
Person 1: I cannot eat pussy. It’s just not for me.
Person 2: Realizing my relationship was not ready for a threesome. Plus, my boyfriend couldn’t make me orgasm even when it was just the two of us, so I didn’t get off.
Person 3: I was seeing a different guy at the time (non-exclusively), and I stupidly told him about the threesome. He was pissed, which I found extremely boring of him.
Person 4: I felt a little awkward when it was all over. We put our clothes back on and hung out for a little bit, but I just wanted to be close with my boyfriend at that point.
Person 5: There was only one condom. Woof.
What Was The Best Position?
Person 1: I was sitting on the guy’s face, facing the other girl was riding the guy’s *ahem* appendage?
Person 2: I can’t remember!
Person 3: I was on top of the guy, and the woman was behind me feeling me up and watching us have sex. Wait, was that good for everyone or just mostly me?
Person 4: Definitely doggy style.
Person 5: I just like, laid on my back while one guy focused on my top half and the other on my bottom half. Literal goals.
Are You All Still Friends?
Person 1: We’re all married with kids now, but we’re still friends on social media.
Person 2: I broke up with him about a year later, and she and I don’t talk anymore (mostly for another unrelated reason, but the threesome didn’t help).
Person 3: The woman and I stayed friends for quite a while. In fact, after she and the guy broke up, she and I had sex one more time. We weren’t a good fit, but it was never awkward or weird between us after that. In fact, I went to her wedding (to a different guy) years later. They’ve since moved away, but we’re still friendly.
Person 4: No, we lost contact after he moved away.
Person 5: I was never “friends” with them, and I haven’t seen or spoken to them since!
Have You Had Any Other Threesomes Since?
Person 1: I had like, three threesomes total with that same couple. Other than that, it’s only been like, making out or PG-13 touching with other couples.
Person 2: No.
Person 3: Nope! My fiancé and I are theoretically interested in having one with another woman, but we’ve never tried to make it happen. I either get too nervous to approach a woman, or I worry I’ll get jealous, or worse, he’ll get jealous and it’ll become an issue for our relationship.
Person 4: We had two threesomes with the same partner.
Person 5: Nah, once was enough for me.
What Do People Get Wrong About Threesomes?
Person 1: Being like, “I’LL NEVER LET ANOTHER WOMAN TOUCH MY MAN.” You’d be surprised how great it is. Hell, it might even help y’all’s sex life.
Person 2: That it’s just about two girls making out. There are THREE people (hence the name), and clear expectations of what is and is not allowed should be set.
Person 3: That it’s going to be awkward or hard to figure out. I think when you’re confident and secure in yourself, and you clearly communicate, you can have fun without it being weird.
Person 4: That the people having them are some kind of weirdos. We’re totally normal people in a healthy relationship. We’re just very *sexual* normal people who enjoy trying new things and being open.
Person 5: That they’re dirty or gross (which is kind of how I always thought of them). That’s definitely not the case.
Finally, What’s Your Best Threesome Tip?
Person 1: Have a cocktail, watch some videos, and always be the other woman. There’s literally no pressure then.
Person 2: If you are going to do it with your significant other, have a serious and sober conversation about it to make sure you are both ready. Also, I would personally never do it with a friend again.
Person 3: Be the third and then get outta there.
Person 4: Threesomes require major communication and trust. My boyfriend and I talked about our fears, desires, boundaries, expectations, etc. before we ever met with someone else. We also promised each other that if at any point one of us was uncomfortable, we could call it off and support one another. It’s also super important to check in afterward. Talk about what you liked (or didn’t like), if you’d do it again, and how you feel. Finally, make sure to respect your third—they’re a person seeking pleasure too!
Person 5: Stay confident and sure of yourself. You’ve got this.
Image: Irina Efremova / Stocksy.com
A few things happen as one glides gracefully (or, in my case, not at all gracefully) through her twenties: you find out you can no longer drink a full bottle of tequila without ending up in a body bag; you realize Forever 21 bodycon dresses are flattering on exactly no one, and, my personal favorite, you just stop giving a fuck about what people think. And by “people,” I mean every fuckboy who’s told you, at 9:23pm on a Friday, to meet him at a just-above-shitty bar, where he’ll proceed to “generously” ply you with vodka soda after vodka soda, after which he’ll order an Uber and escort you back to his kingdom…aka, the crappy fourth floor walk-up he shares with two guys from his college lacrosse team.
What. A. Gentleman.
In my Oprah-esque quest for basic bitch brand spiritual enlightenment, I recently decided to make some changes. In addition to switching from 12 iced coffees and a cheese stick per day to one kombucha and an organic cheese stick per day (#mybodyisatemple), I committed to living out the one piece of advice even Buddha did not think of: “You teach people how to treat you.” (Thanks for that, Dr. Phil.)
The universe must have been listening, because this email landed in my inbox last week:
First, why do I pay $600 a month for therapy? I obviously just need a Hinge subscription. Or a job there. These people understand how to practice self-care as it relates to mending my cold, dead heart.
Second, which prince in my Rolodex of not-so-charming suitors should receive this box? While the old me would never dream of calling out a fuckboy’s fucked-up set of behaviors (no good text is ever accompanied with a wink face emoji, girls), I was about up to here *points to the top of the Empire State Building* with these dudes getting away with murder.
So I entered my credit card information, hit “order,” and had it sent to the most recent offender: a lacrosse-playing, vodka soda slinging, finance working “good guy” who had, two months earlier, spent an entire evening professing his “love” for me. And not just any old love…a burning, unrequited love that had apparently been “eating him up inside” for the better part of five years.
PRO TIP: Don’t believe any guy if he makes a speech like this at 4am on the street corner adjacent to your apartment.
Because I refuse to accept I’m not Cameron Diaz in The Holiday, I believed him.
To make a long story short, our “romance” fizzled approximately three weeks later when I explained I needed some level of commitment from him beyond “I’ll text you this weekend.” This didn’t seem like a tall task considering he was “in love with me” from afar for five years, but I have a real talent for underestimating the power of someone who played a rich person sport at a NESCAC school.
Back to the Fuckboy Kit—that week, I kept an eagle eye on the package tracking. When it arrived at his doorstep (probably along with a Bonobos delivery, tbh), I imagined several scenarios playing out: either I would receive a condescending text calling me “nuts,” or I would hear nothing. Which would obviously be worse, because I require constant attention.
Approximately eight hours after the package arrived at Mr. Wonderful’s den of fuckery, my phone rang.
No, you are not reading a piece of fiction. My fuckboy actually picked up the phone to share a reaction beyond “haha.”
And would you believe the next part? He apologized for being a grade-A, immature douche canoe.
“I guess I kinda freaked out,” he said. And then, in the least surprising statement of 2017, he admitted the following: “I’ve definitely avoided commitment of any sort. This was a pretty funny way to call me out. Sorry for being a massive dick.”
If you believe in fairy tales, we’re going to dinner next week. Can’t wait to tell this story at our wedding, where he will most definitely be wearing the “Husband Material” hat.
Maybe betches were just genetically dispositioned to think that the world is out to get us (whatever, it is), or maybe it’s just the given nature of the modern-day fuckboy, but we need to stop treating our vaginas like they just liked an Instagram picture of some thot. More times than not, we become personally victimized by our vaginas, when we feel the slightest itch or smell the slightest smell because of what most bullshit fake news has been pumped in our minds, and there’s really nothing that screams “trust issues” like hearing that vaginas are just inner-penises or that it’s possible for your precious pussay to come bearing a set of teeth, like it’s a fucking Venus fly trap or something.
Anyway, I cannot believe I’m about to type such a quote, and I’m not even drunk yet, but as the great Corinne Olympios once said, “My heart is gold, but my vagine is platinum.” So leave the lack of faith to your boyfriend and stop believing these dumb fucking myths you heard about your fine china. It deserves better than that.
1. A Lot Of Sex Makes Your Vagina “Loose”
Throwing a hot dog down a hallway, feeding a tic-tac to a whale, dropping a pencil down a mineshaft—yeah, men think they’re so fucking funny. We’ve heard the slut-shaming nicknames before, more commonly given to that one hoe in A-Chi-O way back when. But in reality, joke’s on us because that bitch is living her best life with a tight-ass vajayjay. Unlike men, vaginas don’t let us down. They are biologically resilient, just like our livers after a night of binge drinking, so the idea that a vagina becomes stretched out like a broken slinky after having too much sex is stupid. Not only does it expand to accommodate size,
which is why I’m never having kids it also snaps back to its OG form shortly after sex or childbirth, unless you’re popping out an entire litter. A girl who may seem more ‘loose’ is actually just more aroused because the vagina also does this cool thing where it always comes (no pun intended) fully prepared. Moral of the story: always do your kegels.
2. You Can Lose A Tampon Inside Of Your Vagina
If you tried to tell me that you’ve never had a minor panic attack after going fishing through your cave of wonders for a tampon, then you’re really fucking lucky, but mostly you’re just a liar. Thankfully, given the anatomy of the vagina, you’ve only got a few inches until you hit the cervix barrier. Idk why the hell it feels like it’s 6 feet deep at times, but Google couldn’t answer that for me, so. The good news is, there’s an actual 0% chance your tamp will be floating around in your stomach by lunch time.
3. Douching Is Good For You
Remember when douching was like god’s gift to a squeaky clean vagine? Yeah, me either. It sucked then, and it sucks now. Idk who in their right mind still does this, but apparently douching can fuck up the balance of good and bad bacteria even more than that floral Summer’s Eve shit I still buy. So more than likely, that lavender vanilla vagine scent you’re going for will quickly turn to rotten fish in no time due to the good bacteria being flushed by your nasty box mop. Also, there’s a reason we call idiot men ‘douchebags’, fucking duh.
4. Finding Your G-Spot Is Key To Mind-Numbing Orgasms
K, calm the fuck down, Carrie Bradshaw. First off, if you still haven’t had a G-spot orgasm,
that sucks for you it’s probably too late to start. Second, all these scientific idiots can’t seem to make up their damn mind about whether or not a G-spot actually exists, so no need to flip out. Save yourself some hard-earned dollars and cancel your Amazon order of unnecessary g-spot toys, and maybe invest in something like a solid vibrator, or idk, a new partner. Because as some old random explorer once said, “It’s not about the destination, it’s about how much fun you have on the journey getting there.”
5. The Vagina Is The Same As A Penis, Just Tucked Inside
I honestly can’t believe I’m including this one on this list, but then again, an orange potato is running our country so here we are. I don’t care how comparable the clitoris is to the tip of a penis, if you were to reach up in there and pull a vagina out of the body, a fucking shaft will not magically appear, and if it does, we’ve got bigger problems here.
So yes, your clitoris actually does have similar qualities to a penis (nerve endings, sole purpose, swells when aroused, sensitive AF, blah blah blah), but all that junk on the inside of your body? Nope, not the same. Next.
6. Men Prefer Your Vagina To Be Bare-Shaven
Idk why women have been trained to believe that all men prefer vaginas to look as bald as my Ralph’s rotisserie chicken, but that’s not a thing. Guys don’t want to be reminded of their 10-year-old sister when fucking some girl from a bar. American Apparel did a great job in breaking the mold when they debuted mannequins with giant pube ‘fros, but then again, American Apparel went out of business prob due to the heinous bush gardens on full display, so JK on that. In some random survey I found, 38% of men prefer a woman to groom but to at least have something down there, and only 9% of fuckboys have actually ended a date because of a women’s grooming habits (lol ok). So really what I’m getting at is that if Cameron Diaz is an advocate for freeing the pubes, then you don’t need to resemble a raw cutlet to get some.
Whatever, I’m still not cancelling my wax apt.
7. All Labia Look The Same
Note to anyone who’s ever taken a hand mirror to their lady bits, vaginas ain’t always pretty. When exploring your feminine fortress, it’s normal to come across flaps and traps you may think aren’t normal sized or shaped, but unless you’re starring in the next Lawrence of a Labia film, you’ll never have a “designer vagina”. To help this case further, some
pervert artist even sculpted a bunch of vulvas out of clay to show that no two vaginas look the same. I’ll let you look that one up.
8. If It Doesn’t Smell Like Roses, Houston, We Have A Problem
It’s time you start giving your muff a little more credit. I already told you that your vag won’t let you down, and I meant it. It may contain more bacteria than anywhere else in your body, but it’s also a self-cleansing organ and handles pH like a fucking boss. A little bit of odor is normal, and can also change depending on your menstrual cycle, change of diet, choice of activity… basically any time. In other words, maybe don’t hit up SoulCycle on day two of your period to avoid smelling like your dog’s canned dinner, you know? But if you’re really feeling like your stench trench is totally out of whack, idk maybe hit up your OBGYN, but whatever you do, don’t you fucking dare pay a visit to WebMD, because you will have chlamydia. And die.
READ: What Your Birth Control Says About You
As we all know, women aren’t the only guilty ones when it comes to social media faux pas. Just because guys aren’t posting cleavage thirst trap pics doesn’t mean they get a free pass at using the internet. Any woman who has even casually used a dating app knows that the shit bros pull online is not only annoying AF, but flat-out embarrassing. Much like IRL, online bros can either be gentlemen or fuckboys, and it’s very difficult you’re going to get until you’re receiving 500 unsolicited pictures of his dick. Here’s a list of shit we hate that guys do online. All we need to do now is figure out who the manager of the internet is so we can talk to them and get this shit to stop.
1. Commenting Something Wayyy Too Inappropriate On A Picture
We’ve all seen the comment from a bro who may have spent too much time chatting with porn bots to remember how normal people talk. He’ll write something like “I’d let you sit on my face” or “Turn around so I can see that ass” on an innocent picture of you at your graduation. Basically he’s training to become creepy uncle in 10 years. Gross. Just gross.
2. Calling Out Your Cleavage
For some reason, men often feel a need to say “boobs” when they see boobs. It’s like a Pavlovian response or something. Yes, sometimes boobs show up in pictures. Half the world’s population has boobs. Yet men online feel like if they don’t say they’re seeing boobs, the boobs might disappear. Just stop calling out the boobs, it’s just uncomfortable for everyone.
3. Commenting On Instagram Models’ Photos
That’s like if we were tweeting at Justin Bieber or Ryan Gosling all day. Even if those Instagram
thots models were real, which half them aren’t, do you really think they’re going to see your comment? Like, what is your end game with commenting “beautiful” on Sveta from Romania’s boudoir photos? It’s just embarrassing for everyone.
4. Being Friends With Porn Bots
You can always tell which bros you know are fucking idiots by seeing who your mutual friends are when a spam bot tries to add you. The bot is always a clearly fake photo of some airbrushed/half-silicone model, and all the mutual friends are the dudes who are too dumb to realize a professional model wouldn’t want to talk to them. Then these people show up in your “People You May Know” section and you have to pause for a moment and try to remember if you struck up any friendships with a Russian hooker lately.
5. Harassing Women For Attention
Most Twitter trolls are probably men, because if a betch didn’t like you, she’d just tell you to your face and proceed cutting you out of your life instead of hiding behind some internet avatar and hacking your computer or whatever. Dudes that harass women online are just trying to get them to say something back because they’re sad and lonely. That’s why, when you encounter a troll, the best thing to do is block immediately and go back to your significantly better life.
6. Announce They Are Feminist
If you’re a feminist for the likes, you’re probably not a feminist. Like, there is no need for you to make a status about respecting women. Just go out and respect women. Announcing why people should think you’re a good person is usually the wrong way to become a good person, and I think we all know “feminist” dudes who turn out to be just regular old fuckboys once you really get to know them. I’m looking at you, Justin Trudeau. (But I sincerely hope I’m wrong. For once.)
7. Three Words: Shirtless. Gym. Pics.
We know how long it takes to get a perfect body selfie, trust us. If you’re taking a selfie at the gym, you probably spent a majority of your workout looking for the right filter. You cannot fool women, sir. We know exactly how long it takes to get a gym pic with good lighting. You can’t trick us.
8. Starting A Fight In Your Comment Section
Anytime a guy starts a comment with “Actually…” you know shit is about to get crazy. He’ll likely go on to explain something that had nothing to do with the original post, and your notifications start going crazy. Then when you forget you’re not supposed to feed the trolls and actually engage with him, he ends it all with “I’m glad we can have a good conversation!” and you realize he just wanted someone to talk to all along. Grow a pair and just talk like a human, dude.
9. Insulting You, Then Asking You Out
He goes from calling you ugly to asking for your number. Negging doesn’t even work in real life, and they’re trying to do it online now. Thank god for the block button. The reverse is just as bad, BTW. You know, the “Hey girl, how you doin’? Fuck you ugly fat bitch, I never wanted you anyway!”
10. Posting A Pic With A Puppy For Likes
The puppy picture of a bro is the equivalent of the bikini pic for the betch. We admit you look adorable with the puppy, but it’s a thirst trap worse than our beach pics. It’s like the bros are trying to show off how capable of love they are. And it works, every time. On second thought, maybe don’t stop doing this one. Just proceed with caution when you see it happening.
Which type of fuckboy should you date based on your zodiac sign? Find out here!