Let’s face it. We’ve basically been touch starved for over a year at this point and the skin hunger is real AF. Sex toys can only (literally) fill the void for so long since nothing can or will ever replace actual bodies sweating all over each other in bed. Well, good news! Are you vaxxed and DTF? Congrats. It’s finally your time to shine because Shot Girl Summer is right around the corner.
Say it with me: No more double masked bang seshes! No more avoiding kissing during sex! No more not having sex at all! It’s time to get realllll close after being apart for wayyy too long. In honor of this time when most folks are about to be vaccinated and ready to f*ck whoever accidentally brushes against their arm at the beach bar, you need to be prepared (read: know the best positions for heavy eye contact and makeout sesh potential). Don’t worry, we got you. Here are five super intimate sex positions once you’re ready to close that gap.
1. Yab Yum (AKA Lotus) Position
Good Vibrations staff sexologist Carol Queen, PhD believes this is the Greatest Intimate Position Ever. Why? “This is a position with tons of opportunity for kissing, talking, eye contact, upper body contact,” she says. “It’s a super-sweet one and all the touch-starved people must check it out as soon as they can.” Say no more–sign me tf up.
According to Queen, here’s how to get into it: The penetrating partner sits in lotus position (or with legs straight out for the Bad Knees Crew). The receiving partner sits on their lap, facing them, legs wrapped around the small of their back. The receiver will scootch onto the penetrator’s dick or dildo then both partners will put their arms around each other and ~gently rock~ together. To turn it up a notch or five, they note you’ll want good muscles for thrusting… or maybe just a solid headboard/something safe to grab onto to score more traction.
2. Missionary Position
Disclaimer: Queen prefers to calls this the “face-to-face, insertive person on top” position because they’re tired of the word “missionary” used to describe a sex position… and TBH, fair. Whatever you call it, a lot of people think this position is boring or vanilla, and I mean… it definitely can be. But it can also actually be really hot when done right.
Since you’re both facing each other, you can kiss, lock in that mid-penetration eye contact, and go harder than you would in the tantric Lotus position. Plus, it’s a seamless transition from hardcore makeout sesh to banging since you’re already (probably) both laying down. “All you have to do is lie on the bed and you can work it out. No yoga knowledge needed,” confirms Queen. We love putting in minimal effort for maximum pleasure.
3. “Cowgirl” Position
Next up: face-to-face, receiving person on top position — “sometimes called the ‘cowgirl,’ though honestly cows have nothing at all to do with it and you don’t have to ID as a girl to enjoy it,” explains Queen.
ICYMI: In this position, the receiving partner gets on top and straddles the insertive partner, who’s on their back. “This position can go from cuddly and cute to bucking on a bronc, and quite orgasmic for the ‘cowgirl’ thanks to the thrusting and freedom of movement involved,” she says. It’s also an awesome position if you’re trying to burn some calories. Hop on top and ride that D into the sunset like you’re in a really intense Peloton class? IDK. I haven’t worked out in over a year.
4. Lap Dance Plus F*cking
Got access to a chair, a person to bang, and some confidence? Sit their ass down then give them the happy ending of their dreams. “Do a lil’ striptease and lap dance (or don’t), and straddle the insertive partner, using the chair for leverage, and thrust and wriggle as desired,” says Queen. Be warned: don’t use that fancy chair or the flimsy seat you thrifted, if they might break. If you don’t trust any chairs in your apartment, swap in the couch or bed instead.
5. Spoon Position
Spooning doesn’t really allow for eye contact or kissing unless you want to contort your necks and bodies in potentially painful ways to make it happen. However! Lying back to front like this allows for whoever’s behind to get up close and personal in ~other~ ways (like kissing their partner’s neck or whispering sexy shit in their ear). “If you like other positions better than the face-to-face ones, or if you’re still not 100% on the safety of live-in-person-sex and you figure it’s a little safer if you face away, you can make the whole scene more personal and intimate with erotic talk, whether it’s all eye contact-y or not,” says Queen.
No matter how you do the deed this Shot Girl Summer, focus on enjoying the (literal) ride. After all, you’ve waited basically forever for this moment. Now go put that vax to good use and quench that thirst with the super hot, intimate sex
I’ve you’ve been dreaming of for the last year and a half.
Image: Julian Myles / Unsplash
Obviously we aren’t watching TV shows for their accuracy, right? Even reality shows are completely absurd. I’m sorry, but am I really expected to believe that 25 women are all truly enthused to make out with the same clown for three months and actually be in love and get engaged at the end of it? They don’t even know who the Bachelor will be when they sign up to be on the show, for f*ck’s sake! I digress. My point is that television shows are supposed to be a pleasant escape from our own hellish lives, which I appreciate—especially right now. However, some shows completely miss so many cues from real life that I can’t help but wonder how these writers managed to keep their jobs. I’m talking specifically about Desperate Housewives, a show from the early 2000s that I’m rewatching because I just got a Hulu account and all of the seasons just so happen to be available.
It’s one of those shows whose first two or three seasons are absolute fire, but then it goes downhill really fast. However, I’m so far in that I feel like I can’t stop. As Jack Twist would say, “I wish I knew how to quit you!” One of the funniest things of Desperate Housewives, aside from the fact that there is as much murder as there is on The Sopranos, is that it’s just so painfully unrealistic for very specific reasons. And I don’t mean the obvious, like how none of the legit plot points would ever happen IRL. Here are some petty things that have been bothering me about this show.
Sex Always Lasts Five Seconds
The first time I realized this was in the third season premiere, when our favorite Flamin’ Hot Cheeto-haired Christian experienced her first orgasm at 44. Congrats, Bree! Just how far into her and Trey MacDougal’s foreplay did Bree become a woman, you may ask? Approximately five seconds. I’m sorry, but seriously? I know we are watching a television show, which means that there’s a fine line between a steamy sex scene and straight-up porn, but come on, ABC.
Gabrielle, too, always manages to climax in less time that I take to turn my vibrator on. When Carlos is messing with her birth control to try to get her pregnant, ABC plays a cute compilation of them having sex from start to finish (wink, wink), and each time, they’re both orgasming at the exact same time and after a few seconds. The same thing happens with her and the gardener (remember, the one she was statutorily raping?). They’d be doing it in his garage (ew) and she’d finish instantly. Are these dudes just incredible at sex? Probably not.
All of the Housewives are guilty of aggressively short sex sessions, not just Bree and Gabby. Edie, who is perhaps the most experienced in the bedroom, also starts moaning and screaming within seconds of mounting her latest victim. Why, ABC, why?
Trauma Doesn’t Affect Them
As described by Rotten Tomatoes, DH is as follows: “Behind the facade of a postcard-perfect subdivision live four women whose lives are anything but idyllic.” In other words, a lot of f*cked up sh*t happens to this group of seemingly normal women. To be honest, that’s a great plot and leaves a lot of room for some crazy things to happen. I’m in. However, a lot of legit traumatizing events happen to these women who literally do not react at all to said trauma. They kind of just carry on living their suburban lives as if everything is fine. For instance, remember when Susan’s husband was in not one, but three massive car accidents? The first landed him in a coma, the second killed a young mother and her child, and the third was the work of Major Creep Dave Williams. Why do the women not talk about this literally all the time? I got in a fender bender when I was 18 and still have nightmares about it.
Susan isn’t the only one who brushes death under the rug! Let us not forget when Bree’s psycho boyfriend faked his suicide because he expected her to come to his rescue, but instead she just sat there and let him die. Also, remember when her son was in a little hit-and-run that killed Gabby’s mother-in-law? Of course, we can’t forget about that time when she found a bag of her husband’s mistress’s teeth in his ex-wife’s pantry! Ah, just fun, suburban things!
Having Kids Is NBD
If I had a kid, I would turn into Rachel Green in the episode of Friends where she calls her pediatrician every time the baby does anything aside from sleep. The ladies of Wisteria Lane, however, have kids and then just kind of go back to accidentally shooting people (classic Susan!), going to fancy soirees at their country clubs, and plotting against the new neighbor. Guys, no! I know this absurd show isn’t meant to be a really accurate portrayal of the harsh realities of parenting, but come on! They seem to be pregnant for years at a time and then once they pop out the kid, we never see it!
Their lives don’t really seem to change after having children, and we never really see them taking care of said children. Yes, the kiddos are in a scene here and there, but they’re never having a good ol’ family meal, doing their homework or really anything with their parents. Are these kids just really self-sufficient in the face of absentee parenting?
They Never Repeat Outfits
I respect Lizzie McGuire for boldly repeating her middle school graduation outfit, because that is what people do: they buy a shirt knowing that they will wear it more than once. Like, I have a Rent the Runway membership, which essentially means I never have to wear the same thing twice, but I still rewear outfits. That is like, the point? The Desperate Housewives’ clothes are pretty normal, so I’m confused as to why they can’t wear them more than once. Is there something so offensive about Bree donning her magenta sweater set in more than one episode?
Also, Susan is low-key a lingerie queen and she never wears the same bustier twice. I don’t understand this! Lingerie is f*cking expensive and her whole identifier, aside from being a total f*cking idiot, is that she’s broke, so how is she affording all of the matching sets she breaks out literally every time she has sex? I have one piece of lingerie that I purchased at a La Perla sample sale and have lost count of how many times I’ve worn it. That’s normal!
Their Makeup Is Always On Point
Sex and the City is in my top three least relatable shows, but I found myself actually clapping at my tv during a specific Carrie moment that was the truest scene in the whole show. She’s standing over Big in one of her weird little crop top outfits and says, “I don’t wake up looking like this. I actually need stuff to look like this.” Girl, preach. The women in Desperate Housewives, on the other hand, wake up after what I can only imagine was a nine-hour snooze fest with perfectly rouged cheeks, long lashes, and a glossy lip. Wrong! Are they Mrs. Maisel-ing themselves and secretly waking up at an obscene hour to do their faces, so they wake up looking pretty for bae? How is this happening?
There you have it, the most annoying aspects of one of the best shows on television. Even though I love to sh*t on these women, I really do love them. Did I miss anything?
Images: carrie-nelson / Shutterstock.com; Giphy
Since everyone is working from home and self-isolating until further notice because of COVID-19, no one is going to the gym and working out. I mean, that’s definitely not the only reason why… I, personally, am just a lazy bitch who doesn’t exercise at all, but you get the point. Good news for us horny ones out here who are already living or quarantining with our partners: Certain sex positions call for so much energy they can basically double as cardio. Sign. Me. Up. Because IDK about you, but I’d much rather burn calories by banging my partner than doing a million burpees in my apartment.
Sexpert confirmed: “Good sex will be a natural workout because you’re putting in the physical effort and getting sweaty together,” confirms certified sex coach and author Gigi Engle. “Orgasms burn calories, too.” Hell yeah! So without further ado, here are five sex positions that can get your blood pumping and amp up your heart rate faster than it’s been while chilling on the couch binge-watching Netflix:
1. Doggy Style
To burn more calories when you’re on all fours, Astroglide’s resident sexologist, Dr. Jess O’Reilly recommends taking turns pumping, rolling, and thrusting in this position. “You stay perfectly still for a minute while your partner takes control, and then you alternate. I think this might qualify as interval training,” she says. Yup, that’s def the best form of interval training out there. She notes you can get even more out of doggy style if you attempt a more challenging position. Rather than getting on all fours, she suggests you try it standing while you bend over into a downward dog position. Time to put all those hot yoga classes to the ultimate test.
Believe it or not, yes, you CAN get a good cardio boost in missionary position. Just be a power bottom who puts in werk. “For the bottom, grab your ankles with your hands and pull them up toward your head to engage your core,” O’Reilly explains. “If you’re the top in missionary, use your arms to support yourself as though you’re holding a plank.” Not bendy or athletic enough for that? Just throw some hip rolls in there. “Roll your hips in semi-circles, popping your butt toward their toes and then up toward their head,” she adds. Who knew missionary could be a full-body workout?!
3. Reverse Cowgirl
“Cowgirl and reverse cowgirl will get your heart rate up because you’re the one moving your body the most,” says Engle. Makes sense. Doing the most work is pretty tiring. If you want to turn it up a notch, you can also do the rocking horse (as O’Reilly calls it). “Sit all the way down and rock your hips from front to back. Picture yourself sensually riding a rocking horse for this move… it’s weird, but it works!” Giddy up.
4. Rider On Top
If you want to be the one doing the heavy lifting, Engle says you gotta hop on top. O’Reilly adds that bouncing up and down on a penis or strap-on from base to tip, or doing squats in the top positions (where appropriate/applicable), can burn way more calories during sex, too. Ugh. Sounds effective but also like I already need a nap.
5. On Your Knees/Straddling
mark knees, get set, ride! If you’re straddling your partner on a chair or bed, O’Reilly says to “alternate between 10 very shallow pumps and 10 deep ones, pressing your hips and lower thighs into their hips/pelvis.” You can also lean backward in a kneeling position and pump up and down that way. Or, last but not least, throw that booty in some circles! “Sit up straight and roll your hips to trace a large circle with the bottom half along their body and the upper half in the air as you allow the shaft to slide out slightly,” O’Reilly explains. Hot. Here for it.
Safety Tips For Physically Demanding Sex
If you’re gonna treat sex as a workout, you’ve got to know how to do it as safely as possible. Whereas you need a spotter at the gym when lifting weights, you need some support at your home gym, too! Here are three tips to keep in mind when squeezing in those at-home workouts with your partner.
1. Use Props To Help
“Sex furniture (check out the Liberator brand) and pillows take the pressure off your body and will help to prevent injury as you attempt acrobatic feats in the bedroom,” says O’Reilly. Not to mention they can help arch your back and get you into the best position so you/your partner can reach those deep spots.
2. Be Careful With That D
Like, don’t break it. Literally. “Though there’s no bone inside the boner, the spongy tissue that engorges with blood during an erection and the surrounding chamber (tunica albuginea) can rupture if you’re too rough with that thing,” warns O’Reilly. “Be weary of forceful impact against a hard object, like a partner’s pelvic bone, and don’t let your partner bear down abruptly on erection from above while standing.” Got it. F*cking yikes.
3. Use Lube
Because lubrication makes everything feel so much better. Duh. “With lube, you can twist, turn, bend, roll, suck, pop, and slide in a greater range of positions with a broader repertoire of techniques. When in doubt, add a few more drops of the slippery stuff and watch the possibilities expand exponentially,” says O’Reilly.
Final friendly reminder: Try not to make sex your go-to exercise method all the time, for obvious reasons. “If you treat it like the gym (something obligatory you do for health reasons), it sucks the experience of its erotic energy,” reminds Engle. This is only for those times where you hate doing push-ups or crunches and can’t make it to your fav spin class because there’s a pandemic going on that demands you stay at home until further notice… like right now. Now stop being lazy and go workout with your partner.
Images: Toa Heftiba / Unsplash, Giphy (5)
Yes kids, you read that title right. If you’re quarantined with your significant other (or your ex, or your Ship date—no judgment here), you’ve got little else to do than watch new Netflix shows, learn how to cook something, and try different sex positions. Oh, and I guess do some work while you’re supposed to be working from home. But since the good ol’ missionary position, quarantine blow jobs, and reverse cowgirl can get a little boring after like, day four, we rounded up the best positions based on your stars and planets. You’re so welcome.
Pisces: Good Ol’ 69
Congrats, Pisces, because the best position for you is of the oral variety. Since you tend to be very emotional and artistic, an oral position where both partners can get a little carried away is a great way to at least start things off. Hey, if you wanna leave it there and finish each other off that way, too, be my guest. Basically, lean in to a classic 69 position to have the most fun. Go sideways or one on top of the other—I shouldn’t have to paint the picture here; you should know what 69 looks (and feels) like at this point in your life.
Aries: Something In The Shower
Oh, Aries. You’re such a combative sign, which makes a position that can get a little rough the perfect choice for you. May we recommend a position in the shower, against a wall? Seems weird, but hear us out: since you seem to like competition, and this position requires some strength, determination, and the ability to not slip, you can treat it as a your very own personal Olympics. Climb that sh*t like a tree, and give it a solid five minutes of trying before you give up.
Taurus: Side Lying Laziness
As an earth sign, Taurus, we get that you just want to take all damn day when it comes to sexy time. Whether that means hours of foreplay or slowly taking your time, sex for you means connecting and being truly intimate with your partner. So, while you’re staying inside, may we recommend a side-facing position prime for lots of kissing, cuddling, and lazy sex? It’s perfect for while you’re both in your bathrobes and can’t be bothered to put on actual clothing.
Gemini: Kitchen Counter Encounter
Quick, dirty, and to the point seems to be the best bet for you when it comes to sex, Gemini. So, since you’re stuck in the house anyway, why not make use of the kitchen counter (disinfect before and after, please) and have a quickie with your SO? Sit on the counter and wrap your legs around your partner. That’ll make for sexy eye contact and some great dirty talk.
Cancer: Lazy Cowgirl
Oh, Cancer, you’re such a giver in the bedroom. Chances are, you already love to take your time with your partner, and the coronavirus is only making time even more of a social construct. That being the case, if it isn’t already your fav position, may we recommend the lazy cowgirl? Basically, you get on top, but instead of sitting up, lay down and ride that beast while making sure there’s lots of kissing, neck touching, and long, penetrating stares.
Leo: Legs Up
You’re such an attention whore, Leo, but we’re here for it. The best position for you to try is one that puts you in a show-off position for your partner, and what better way than a sort of riff on missionary with your legs over your partner’s shoulders? Yes, really. Lay on your back and have your partner crouch in front of your legs while you throw your legs over their shoulders. You’ll get to try out your sexy porn faces, lay on your back so you don’t have to do all the work, and you can easily incorporate toys in this position.
Virgo: Side Saddle
You’re kind of an emotional rollercoaster, Virgo, and that’s totally fine. It works to your advantage in the bedroom, since intimacy and communication roll over into sexy talk, sub/dom stuff, and letting your partner sort of take the lead. A great position to try is a side saddle option where you sit sideways on your partner, who sits with their legs out straight. You can both control the speed of things, arms are perfect for wrapping around each other’s necks and backs, and there’s plenty of face to face time.
Since you’re all for balance and trying new things, Libra, the best position to try is one that allows for easy change-ups of who’s in charge. May we suggest the octopus? You’ve probably done it without realizing, but this position lets you or your partner “steer”, so to speak. Basically, you can sit facing outwards on your partner’s lap (sort of like reverse cowgirl) and both you and your partner are sitting up. If your partner is penetrating from behind, you can touch yourself at the same time—or invite them to join in, too. This position is great for using those toys you’ve been too nervous to try, too.
You’re such a psycho, Scorpio, but we’re here for it. You love to be intense af and never miss an opportunity to get physical. It is, after all, a great way for you to connect on an emotional level with your partner (which explains why you tend to get super attached and send 85 texts when things are sorta over already). The position for you to lean into this quarantine week is of the scissoring variety. Basically, you and your partner sit back and form an X with your legs. Either of you can take charge or lay back and be dominated.
Ugh, does anyone actually like the name of this position? Regardless of how you feel about the name, Sagittarius, you tend to be a little outspoken and take advantage of positions that are bold and playful. So, the tried-and-true doggy style is perfect for you. You can invite some spanking, dirty talk, and hair-pulling for a position that can be taken just about anywhere. That’ll come in handy, since you’re going to be locked in the same space for two weeks.
You’re super focused on doing a good job, Capricorn, which seems to carry over into the bedroom. A steamy encounter for you is one where both of you have an amazing end-cap, and the lotus position can help with that. Basically, the giving partner sits cross-legged while the other sits on top, wrapping their legs around the bottom partner. The position makes for some truly deep sh*t, allows for eye contact, and sets you both up for amazing orgasms. Yay.
You love weird sh*t, Aquarius, which makes most sex positions kind of vanilla for you. For you, it isn’t so much about the position, but the location. We recommend a standing position anywhere other than the bedroom. Take it to the walk-in closet while you have guests over, or try to quietly get a quickie in during a commercial break in your powder room. Basically, just let the mood strike anywhere and go with it.
Images: Becca Tapert, Unsplash; Giphy (12)
If you’re a thrill-seeker (is there a cooler phrase for this, anyone?) then you’ve probably either already had sex in public or at least entertained the idea. Mom, if you ever want to speak again, stop reading here. I, for one, am a thrill-seeker. There’s something about having sex in a public place that is so hot, and I truly don’t know which it is—the excitement of being watched or the excitement of being caught. Maybe it’s both! In my opinion, public sex is best when it’s not planned. No shame to those who choose their seats near the lavatories for a mile-high club membership, but maybe all that planning killed the moment? The smell, claustrophobic conditions, and knowing 500 other people have peed where you’re doing the deed could also be to blame. All I gotta say about the MHC is been there, done that, am not impressed.
F*cking in public is a delicate art that is best served hot, so make sure there are no immediate
boner-mood-killers nearby. There are certain elements—like sand and other people, among other things—that make public sex awkward and uncomfortable for both you and anyone in the passing vicinity, so make sure to choose your spot wisely. As should be assumed, don’t look to the movies for help because, as always, they get it wrong. There are so many wonderful places to f*ck in public that I’ll leave you to discover on your own, but for now, I’ll just throw out a few places to avoid trying to turn into pound town.
Sex on the beach sucks. I can’t even claim to have done this because the thought of scrubbing sand out of my hair/genitalia for weeks in exchange for a half hour of action just isn’t a concept I can get on board with. Also, unless you’re staying at Lindsay Lohan’s beach club in a private cabana (which, honestly, doesn’t quite count), you have no reason to have sex on any beach anywhere. They are just too open, which, in my opinion, takes the intimacy out of it. If you have an anecdote that proves otherwise, hit me up in the comments. Until then, I’m sticking to my guns and am declaring the beach officially off-limits. Not that I took a poll, but I did ask a few of my friends for their opinions on the matter and got a unanimous and resounding “no.” Like the keto diet, it’s something everyone kind of wants to try, but ends up being really miserable and not worth it.
I hope this is obvious, but people do it. You know how I know that? I WITNESSED IT. Look, I live in New York, which means almost nothing fazes me, but seeing two pasty teenagers humping against a boulder in Central Park made me want to claw my own eyes out. I was having a lovely stroll in the springtime air with my friend as we made our way back to the east side, and then we became eyewitnesses to what initially looked like a very tender homicide. Like beaches, most parks are so f*cking open (that’s kind of the point) that someone is bound to see you and ruin it. From the ~lovers’~ perspective, f*cking in a park sucks just as much as it does for any unfortunate passersby. Like, are you doing it on the dirty grass? What if ants crawl inside you and lay eggs? Do ants even lay eggs? *Googles if ants lay eggs.* Ants aside, there are also so many nasty things on the ground that I can’t even discuss, because it’s grossing me out just thinking about how to remove tree sap from my cooch.
All I gotta say is that if you are still tempted to bang in the park after reading this, please let me know about the ant situation and if either of you managed to finish without getting caught by some dudes playing frisbee.
The only reason why I am against this is because it never takes place at like, The Ritz-Carlton. Instead, it’s always at a gross dive bar where the floors are sticky with god-knows-what and, for some unexplained reason, there’s water and toilet paper everywhere. My sexy good time in a bathroom was not planned; it was totally heat of the moment, brought on by many drinks and my aggressiveness toward a crush finally paying off. Am I saying I regret it? No. Would I do it again? Also no. Luckily for you guys, this was not my first romantic experience in a bathroom, so I can confirm that all bathrooms are not for f*cking! In all honesty, my main issue was the lights. They were too bright. Like, I was so drunk that the mess and extreme level of grossness didn’t really bother me, but the blinding lights were so distracting that I had a really hard time focusing.
This is another experience that movies get totally wrong. Has anyone ever seen Skins? The British version, not the embarrassing American remake. There’s a scene where James Cooke has sex in a car and it’s like, so steamy. So my college boyfriend and I attempted this when I was visiting his family in Boston in the dead of winter, and it just didn’t work. Maybe if we were in a limo? But not in a Jeep Liberty in sub-zero temps. Even if you’re both super petite, there just isn’t enough space to do anything except drive and be a passenger in a car. Period. Like, the only way to even kind of do it was for me to be on top, so that’s what I did, but I kept hitting my head on the ceiling and there was no space, so I was just risking a concussion over and over, and he was just sitting there probably wishing it would end. There is no logistical way to have sex in a car. There just isn’t. We even paused to Google what would work and even Google was basically just like, “Go back inside.”
I will truly never understand the appeal here. I’ve never been in an elevator for more than 15 seconds, and I used to work on the 24th floor of my office building. I’d like to know what elevator is both big enough and slow enough for this?! If any guy could climax in 15 seconds, I’d be more disappointed than impressed. And for those of you who think that pushing the emergency stop button is the move, it isn’t. It sends a signal to both the building manager and, sometimes, the local police, so you’d be in trouble real soon after. But, like, f*ck the police, amiright? Also, the only way for this to work, assuming that, by some miracle, the elevator stops on its own (which is def not a miracle) is if you have sex standing up. Worst position ever. You need to have the perfect height ratio with your partner for this to work, and also, how do you stop other people from getting in the elevator?
Look, I know that having sex in public anywhere is illegal, and nobody should be advocating for others to break the law, but the reality is that people still do it. And I’m actually not suggesting anyone go bang in public… in fact, I’m telling you where you should especially avoid doing it.
Images: Giphy (5); Unsplash
My frustration with women’s magazines is well-documented. However innocent the intention, their constant suggestions of how we can improve ourselves are at best, irritating and at worst, emotionally damaging. Some of the most egregious examples of this are the sex positions offered up by these publications, many of which seem to require the endurance of a marathon runner and the core strength of a yoga master. Because I live to troll am a very serious journalist, I’ve compiled a list of sex positions that need to be canceled yesterday.
1. Doorway Play
This wouldn’t be a proper article on sex positions if I didn’t start with a gem from our friends at Cosmo. They suggest that we simplify standing-up sex by, you guessed it, squatting in a doorway. As one does. To be more specific, “For this pose, have your guy squat with his back against one side of a doorway. His thighs should be parallel to the floor, and he can put his hands behind his lower back for cushioning. Stand facing away from him, spread your legs so they’re on either side of his, and then back up onto his member.” First of all, the word “squat” has no business being a part of any sex position, ever. I only squat in two instances: ehen I have to pee over a questionable toilet, when I am torturing myself working out. Secondly, if I can’t get through the thighs portion of a barre class without resembling a human vibrator, what bro is going to be able to remain in a perennial squat for three minutes an entire sex session? Sex is supposed to be fun, not a gym session masquerading as an earthquake drill. Hard pass.
2. Butter Churner
In case the name wasn’t enticing enough, allow me to paraphrase a position suggested by Women’s Health, of all places. The woman lies on her back with her legs in the air and pointing toward either side of the head. The man then SQUATS (*shudder*) and enters. You can tell that not even the writer of the article suggesting this farce is convinced, because the section telling the reader why it’s great warns that “our neck may get a cramp” and advises you to have your partner “go easy on the thrusts to avoid too much pressure on your upper body.” Hot! Not only will your partner look like a colonial woman on the wing an angry Amish man, if you’re both not super careful you’ll be just one neck spasm away from kickstarting the reboot of Sex Sent Me to the ER!
3. Standing 69
This suggestion by Glamour is the sex position equivalent of two people I despise having a baby. Standing-up sex has never been my thing because I’m extremely lazy busy, and I’m not convinced that people actively choose to 69 anymore (if they ever did). So, the Standing 69 sounds about as necessary as Ivanka Trump’s presence at a meeting of world leaders. If that’s not enough of a deterrent, it requires a level of athleticism that I simply do not possess: “One person stands upright, and the other goes into a handstand while the other holds them. This should allow you both to reach each other’s naughty bits, but you may have to cut it short before all the blood rushes to your head.” I love the casual “goes into a handstand” that they’ve thrown in there, as if it’s as easy as a quick flick of the wrist. For those who don’t have a crippling fear of being upside down, you just have to achieve orgasm before inducing a brain hemorrhage. Easy peasy lemon squeezy.
4. The Condom Trick
Okay, so this isn’t technically a sex position, but this one is so absurd that it deserves inclusion on this list. According to the experts at Redbook, you should do the following if the guy you’re with does not want to wear a condom: “Try saying this: ‘But, baby, I need to practice putting them on with my mouth.’ Men love this. Let him know it’s an old hookers’ trick.” There is so much to unpack here. One, the term we are using nowadays is “sex worker”. More importantly, if you need to use a condom and your partner gives you a hard time, rather than using some weird seduction technique involving the term “old hookers”, you should just make sure you never give him a hard time ever again. Also, I have no earthly idea as to why anyone needs to spend time learning how to put a condom on sans hands. Personally, I’d rather use that time learning another language or, like, how to code, but call me crazy. Finally, this is simply something men can and should do on their own. It’s not enough that we live in a society where we are encouraged to remove every errant hair, wear underwear that rides up our asses, lose weight, and edit our photos to cover up any semblance of an imperfection with makeup; now we have to put the condoms on too? GTFO.
5. The Wanton Wheelbarrow
For a cute take on the classic wheelbarrow position, Cosmo suggests you do a forearm plank while simultaneously lifting one leg in the air as your partner enters you from behind, adding, “because this one requires a degree of balance and stretching ability, you’ll first want to be really careful that nothing hurts or feels off when you do it.” Why these sadists feel the need to make every sex position a thinly veiled bootcamp class is beyond me. I’m all for the idea of sex as a little light cardio, but I’ll save my stretching and balance practice for my ClassPass membership, TYVM. The gym and sex are my church and state, Cosmo, so you can go shave your back now take your suggestions elsewhere. And it’s 2019: everything hurts and feels off.
When it comes to sex, enjoying yourself is paramount. If any of the above sex positions sound appealing, you clearly have several Iron Mans under your belt go for it. If not, there is nothing wrong with sticking to what feels right for you and your partner. Sound off in the comments with any other sex positions you think are extra AF.
Images: Ruslan Zh / Unsplash; Giphy (5)
Have you ever found yourself watching Britney Spears’ “Toxic” music video and thinking, “Wow, I should totes join the Mile High Club”? Of course you have, you’re only human, babe. As a member of the club, I’m here to tell you all of the important tips if you’re dying to join. First, I have to tell you that initiation isn’t nearly as hot as when Britney rubbed her ass all over that guy’s d*ck in the airplane bathroom, but it is fun and exciting. Plus, it’s something you get to brag about and bring up constantly, which is what’s really important. Whether you’re playing it cool or bragging about it on your Instagram story for everyone to see, this will be one of your proudest achievements.
Literally not a soul:
Me: I’m actually in the Mile High Club, so000.
If this sounds like something you’re interested in, I’m here to help. My partner and I had joining the mile high club on our bucket list for a while, and now that we have been able to check it off, we want others to feel the same sense of accomplishment, adrenaline, and excruciating leg cramps.
1. Get On The Flight Attendants’ Good Side
Like anyone in customer service, flight attendants are often treated like sh*t. So, just like anyone who has ever worked in customer service, they are one hundred percent over everyone’s bullsh*t. The minute you walk on a plane, they have probably decided you’re just another whiney, high-maintenance bitch who requires two lemons for your sparkling water, and will hand them your dirty tissues when they come around to collect trash. Your job here is to prove them wrong. I mean, you should always be nice to flight attendants, but in this case you should really go the extra mile (heh). Be gracious, compliment their shoes, laugh at their jokes. This way, the people who could potentially get in the way of you joining the club may consider looking the other way.
2. Make A Plan
Even if you decide to embark on this journey with the hot stranger sitting next to you, you should work out an entrance and exit strategy before you dive in. You’ll have to go one at a time, and you’ll need a secret knock to make sure you know if it’s your teammate on the other side of the door. As for exiting, this depends on how much you care about shame. If you wanna make a dramatic exit and walk out together to let the entire flight know you just hit up the bone zone, have at it. I personally ran out and made my partner wait a few moments before following, but this is mostly because I was raised Catholic and am terrified of getting in trouble with the grown-ups, even as an adult woman.
3. Wait Until Most People Are Asleep
This is a lot easier if you are on 1) a long flight and 2) an overnight flight, but most people do fall asleep at some point during a flight. Pay attention to this, and at the moment when people start to go into their gross plane wine coma, make your move. During this time, flight attendants aren’t walking up and down the aisle as much, so it’s more likely that the coast will be clear. Plus, this will decrease the likelihood of other passengers getting up to use the bathroom and getting in the way of your fun. Let the nerds sleep while you become a new woman/man.
4. Don’t Expect The Sex To Be Good
I cannot stress this enough. Airplane bathrooms are small and smelly, and for some reason every inch of them is always covered in water. It’s not cute in there. There’s barely enough room for two people (this feels like an intentional attack), let alone enough room for two people to comfortably f*ck. You can either try to have sex on the toilet, which is kinda gross, or you can try to do it standing up, which is also uncomfortable. Expect a lot of maneuvering, bumping of knees, and moments when the d*ck just won’t stay in. Sadly, these probably aren’t sex positions that will lead to higher confidence, but you win some, you lose some. I would be impressed by anyone who climaxes during this trying time. For me, we considered it good once there was approximately 30 seconds of intercourse, high-fived, and then GTFO.
5. Tell All Your Friends
Congratulations, you are now officially a member of the Mile High Club, and are therefore given the right/privilege to ruin all social engagements by not shutting the f*ck up about it. Enjoy!
Any more questions? Hmu in the comments, and I’ll be happy to pretend that I’m an expert. Let me know if you’ve had any luck joining the Mile High Club, because hearing these stories really never gets old. Life is short, so why not have sex on a plane?
Images: NeONBRAND / Unsplash; Giphy (6)
Like so many things that are *supposed* to be fun, shower sex is soooo overrated. It’s right up there with sex on the beach. The only people who like these things are people who haven’t actually done them. There are places sand should not go, people. Tons of movies have shower sex scenes that make it look steamy and sexy, but IRL, things just never work out that way. Hollywood, quit trying to sell having sex in a confined box as attractive. Looking at you, Titanic (car sex is also just inconvenient—they obvi cut out the part where Rose got a leg cramp and Jack finished in two minutes). Also, anyone gross enough to join the Mile High Club in a dirty airplane bathroom knows that it’s about saying you did it, not because your 30-seconds of sex was actually enjoyable. Unless of course, you’re Lala Kent with a PJ, then that seems more reasonable. Let’s stop pretending these things are fun. Here are all the reasons why shower sex is probably better left in the movies.
Most showers are not even equipped to handle two people, much less two people…doing things with each other. Where will you stand? How will you stand? Is there a height difference, because if so, you’re f*cked (but probs not going to get f*cked)? Unless the shower is a tub combo, there isn’t even a decent place to shave your legs! How will you balance? Inevitably, you will end up uncomfortable and probably with muscle strain, if not an actual injury.
Accurate depiction of shower sex, including the face of dissatisfaction:
Too Hot Or Cold
I can only be happy in the shower if I’m essentially being boiled alive. I don’t know why. Does it feel like liquid fire? NOT HOT ENOUGH YET. Either way, there is never enough water for both of you, especially if you live in a sh*tty apartment with zero water pressure. One of you will be too hot (not me, ever) and the other will be standing off to the side freezing to death. Fun!
Lube Doesn’t Work
5 in 1 shampoo be like: body wash, shampoo, conditioner, toothpaste and lube
— ??? ??? (@jnudey) April 15, 2019
As my friend put it, somehow “water makes things less wet”. Fact. If your natural lube is washed away, you can’t even effectively add lube without the same problem. Cool, so you’re in an awkward pose, in the cold, and now you’re chafing. Lovely. Nothing like a rug burn on your genitals. Plus, this puts you at risk for sex injuries.
Condoms Are Less Effective
Condoms are more likely to break due to the friction and no lube (see above), or just slip right off. Nothing like ruining sex with the possibility of having a child to ruin your entire life. Oh? You thought shower sex would be fun? Here’s 18 years of money-sucking hell and not being able to leave your home without paying someone to babysit! I should really teach a sex ed class, I think I’d be amazing at it. YOU WILL GET PREGNANT AND DIE.
fell and hit my head in the shower and had to be rescued stark naked by my dad. what did i do in a past life honestly i’m done
— sophie (@sophielmg) April 24, 2019
This comes off the awkward positioning issue. Slippage. Let’s say you find a position that works. What if your foot slides? What if you fall over? Is he trying to hold you up, because that’s probs gonna be a serious injury risk? Let’s say he slips and misses. That, my friends, is how you break a dick. Slipping in the tub/shower kills more people than sharks, *fun fact*, so maybe just have sex on the bed like a normal person, and don’t risk your life while doing it.
Even if you have waterproof makeup on, you’re probably going to somehow be waterboarded in your attempt to make this work. Nothing is more attractive as having makeup running all down your face. This NEVER happens in the movies, but you don’t look cute in the shower, sorry. And you’ll emerge a scary monster and blame yourself for his not being able to perform.
Can’t Actually Shower
Can someone else confirm that girls have 3 types of showers; a “quick body wash”, a “hair and body shower” and then a proper “exfoliate shave, moisturise, hair mask, face mask, singalong” like it just DEPENDS ON THE TIME AND OCCASION
— Gracey O'Connell ⚡️ (@GraceyOConnell) May 16, 2018
Look, I’m in the shower to get clean and clear my thoughts for 20-40 minutes. You would either have to shower before, or kick the other person out to shower afterwards. What’s the point? Like, I need to wash my hair (or wear a shower cap–not cute), deep condition, wash, exfoliate, wash my face, maybe do a face mask, shave, and then moisturize. It is a process. Now I have to schedule time to be dissatisfied AND do all this too? It’s completely pointless, and I have sh*t to do. And any attempt to do these things in a sexy way mostly results in getting shampoo in your eyes, or again, waterboarded.
So, while shower sex looks fun when your favorite movie stars are doing it, it’s just not practical. We’ve probably all tried it once out of sheer curiosity/horniness, but it’s really not worth it. Stick to dry land, and you’ll be both safer and happier.
Images: Shutterstock; Giphy (4); @jnudey, @sophielmg, @graceyoconnell / Twitter