If you’re a thrill-seeker (is there a cooler phrase for this, anyone?) then you’ve probably either already had sex in public or at least entertained the idea. Mom, if you ever want to speak again, stop reading here. I, for one, am a thrill-seeker. There’s something about having sex in a public place that is so hot, and I truly don’t know which it is—the excitement of being watched or the excitement of being caught. Maybe it’s both! In my opinion, public sex is best when it’s not planned. No shame to those who choose their seats near the lavatories for a mile-high club membership, but maybe all that planning killed the moment? The smell, claustrophobic conditions, and knowing 500 other people have peed where you’re doing the deed could also be to blame. All I gotta say about the MHC is been there, done that, am not impressed.

F*cking in public is a delicate art that is best served hot, so make sure there are no immediate boner-mood-killers nearby. There are certain elements—like sand and other people, among other things—that make public sex awkward and uncomfortable for both you and anyone in the passing vicinity, so make sure to choose your spot wisely. As should be assumed, don’t look to the movies for help because, as always, they get it wrong. There are so many wonderful places to f*ck in public that I’ll leave you to discover on your own, but for now, I’ll just throw out a few places to avoid trying to turn into pound town. 

Beaches

Sex on the beach sucks. I can’t even claim to have done this because the thought of scrubbing sand out of my hair/genitalia for weeks in exchange for a half hour of action just isn’t a concept I can get on board with. Also, unless you’re staying at Lindsay Lohan’s beach club in a private cabana (which, honestly, doesn’t quite count), you have no reason to have sex on any beach anywhere. They are just too open, which, in my opinion, takes the intimacy out of it. If you have an anecdote that proves otherwise, hit me up in the comments. Until then, I’m sticking to my guns and am declaring the beach officially off-limits. Not that I took a poll, but I did ask a few of my friends for their opinions on the matter and got a unanimous and resounding “no.” Like the keto diet, it’s something everyone kind of wants to try, but ends up being really miserable and not worth it. 

Parks

I hope this is obvious, but people do it. You know how I know that? I WITNESSED IT. Look, I live in New York, which means almost nothing fazes me, but seeing two pasty teenagers humping against a boulder in Central Park made me want to claw my own eyes out. I was having a lovely stroll in the springtime air with my friend as we made our way back to the east side, and then we became eyewitnesses to what initially looked like a very tender homicide. Like beaches, most parks are so f*cking open (that’s kind of the point) that someone is bound to see you and ruin it. From the ~lovers’~ perspective, f*cking in a park sucks just as much as it does for any unfortunate passersby. Like, are you doing it on the dirty grass? What if ants crawl inside you and lay eggs? Do ants even lay eggs? *Googles if ants lay eggs.* Ants aside, there are also so many nasty things on the ground that I can’t even discuss, because it’s grossing me out just thinking about how to remove tree sap from my cooch.

All I gotta say is that if you are still tempted to bang in the park after reading this, please let me know about the ant situation and if either of you managed to finish without getting caught by some dudes playing frisbee.

Public Bathrooms

The only reason why I am against this is because it never takes place at like, The Ritz-Carlton. Instead, it’s always at a gross dive bar where the floors are sticky with god-knows-what and, for some unexplained reason, there’s water and toilet paper everywhere. My sexy good time in a bathroom was not planned; it was totally heat of the moment, brought on by many drinks and my aggressiveness toward a crush finally paying off. Am I saying I regret it? No. Would I do it again? Also no. Luckily for you guys, this was not my first romantic experience in a bathroom, so I can confirm that all bathrooms are not for f*cking! In all honesty, my main issue was the lights. They were too bright. Like, I was so drunk that the mess and extreme level of grossness didn’t really bother me, but the blinding lights were so distracting that I had a really hard time focusing. 

Parked Cars

This is another experience that movies get totally wrong. Has anyone ever seen Skins? The British version, not the embarrassing American remake. There’s a scene where James Cooke has sex in a car and it’s like, so steamy. So my college boyfriend and I attempted this when I was visiting his family in Boston in the dead of winter, and it just didn’t work. Maybe if we were in a limo? But not in a Jeep Liberty in sub-zero temps. Even if you’re both super petite, there just isn’t enough space to do anything except drive and be a passenger in a car. Period. Like, the only way to even kind of do it was for me to be on top, so that’s what I did, but I kept hitting my head on the ceiling and there was no space, so I was just risking a concussion over and over, and he was just sitting there probably wishing it would end. There is no logistical way to have sex in a car. There just isn’t. We even paused to Google what would work and even Google was basically just like, “Go back inside.” 

Elevators

I will truly never understand the appeal here. I’ve never been in an elevator for more than 15 seconds, and I used to work on the 24th floor of my office building. I’d like to know what elevator is both big enough and slow enough for this?! If any guy could climax in 15 seconds, I’d be more disappointed than impressed. And for those of you who think that pushing the emergency stop button is the move, it isn’t. It sends a signal to both the building manager and, sometimes, the local police, so you’d be in trouble real soon after. But, like, f*ck the police, amiright? Also, the only way for this to work, assuming that, by some miracle, the elevator stops on its own (which is def not a miracle) is if you have sex standing up. Worst position ever. You need to have the perfect height ratio with your partner for this to work, and also, how do you stop other people from getting in the elevator?

Look, I know that having sex in public anywhere is illegal, and nobody should be advocating for others to break the law, but the reality is that people still do it. And I’m actually not suggesting anyone go bang in public… in fact, I’m telling you where you should especially avoid doing it.

Images: Giphy (5); Unsplash