If you’re a thrill-seeker (is there a cooler phrase for this, anyone?) then you’ve probably either already had sex in public or at least entertained the idea. Mom, if you ever want to speak again, stop reading here. I, for one, am a thrill-seeker. There’s something about having sex in a public place that is so hot, and I truly don’t know which it is—the excitement of being watched or the excitement of being caught. Maybe it’s both! In my opinion, public sex is best when it’s not planned. No shame to those who choose their seats near the lavatories for a mile-high club membership, but maybe all that planning killed the moment? The smell, claustrophobic conditions, and knowing 500 other people have peed where you’re doing the deed could also be to blame. All I gotta say about the MHC is been there, done that, am not impressed.
F*cking in public is a delicate art that is best served hot, so make sure there are no immediate
boner-mood-killers nearby. There are certain elements—like sand and other people, among other things—that make public sex awkward and uncomfortable for both you and anyone in the passing vicinity, so make sure to choose your spot wisely. As should be assumed, don’t look to the movies for help because, as always, they get it wrong. There are so many wonderful places to f*ck in public that I’ll leave you to discover on your own, but for now, I’ll just throw out a few places to avoid trying to turn into pound town.
Sex on the beach sucks. I can’t even claim to have done this because the thought of scrubbing sand out of my hair/genitalia for weeks in exchange for a half hour of action just isn’t a concept I can get on board with. Also, unless you’re staying at Lindsay Lohan’s beach club in a private cabana (which, honestly, doesn’t quite count), you have no reason to have sex on any beach anywhere. They are just too open, which, in my opinion, takes the intimacy out of it. If you have an anecdote that proves otherwise, hit me up in the comments. Until then, I’m sticking to my guns and am declaring the beach officially off-limits. Not that I took a poll, but I did ask a few of my friends for their opinions on the matter and got a unanimous and resounding “no.” Like the keto diet, it’s something everyone kind of wants to try, but ends up being really miserable and not worth it.
I hope this is obvious, but people do it. You know how I know that? I WITNESSED IT. Look, I live in New York, which means almost nothing fazes me, but seeing two pasty teenagers humping against a boulder in Central Park made me want to claw my own eyes out. I was having a lovely stroll in the springtime air with my friend as we made our way back to the east side, and then we became eyewitnesses to what initially looked like a very tender homicide. Like beaches, most parks are so f*cking open (that’s kind of the point) that someone is bound to see you and ruin it. From the ~lovers’~ perspective, f*cking in a park sucks just as much as it does for any unfortunate passersby. Like, are you doing it on the dirty grass? What if ants crawl inside you and lay eggs? Do ants even lay eggs? *Googles if ants lay eggs.* Ants aside, there are also so many nasty things on the ground that I can’t even discuss, because it’s grossing me out just thinking about how to remove tree sap from my cooch.
All I gotta say is that if you are still tempted to bang in the park after reading this, please let me know about the ant situation and if either of you managed to finish without getting caught by some dudes playing frisbee.
The only reason why I am against this is because it never takes place at like, The Ritz-Carlton. Instead, it’s always at a gross dive bar where the floors are sticky with god-knows-what and, for some unexplained reason, there’s water and toilet paper everywhere. My sexy good time in a bathroom was not planned; it was totally heat of the moment, brought on by many drinks and my aggressiveness toward a crush finally paying off. Am I saying I regret it? No. Would I do it again? Also no. Luckily for you guys, this was not my first romantic experience in a bathroom, so I can confirm that all bathrooms are not for f*cking! In all honesty, my main issue was the lights. They were too bright. Like, I was so drunk that the mess and extreme level of grossness didn’t really bother me, but the blinding lights were so distracting that I had a really hard time focusing.
This is another experience that movies get totally wrong. Has anyone ever seen Skins? The British version, not the embarrassing American remake. There’s a scene where James Cooke has sex in a car and it’s like, so steamy. So my college boyfriend and I attempted this when I was visiting his family in Boston in the dead of winter, and it just didn’t work. Maybe if we were in a limo? But not in a Jeep Liberty in sub-zero temps. Even if you’re both super petite, there just isn’t enough space to do anything except drive and be a passenger in a car. Period. Like, the only way to even kind of do it was for me to be on top, so that’s what I did, but I kept hitting my head on the ceiling and there was no space, so I was just risking a concussion over and over, and he was just sitting there probably wishing it would end. There is no logistical way to have sex in a car. There just isn’t. We even paused to Google what would work and even Google was basically just like, “Go back inside.”
I will truly never understand the appeal here. I’ve never been in an elevator for more than 15 seconds, and I used to work on the 24th floor of my office building. I’d like to know what elevator is both big enough and slow enough for this?! If any guy could climax in 15 seconds, I’d be more disappointed than impressed. And for those of you who think that pushing the emergency stop button is the move, it isn’t. It sends a signal to both the building manager and, sometimes, the local police, so you’d be in trouble real soon after. But, like, f*ck the police, amiright? Also, the only way for this to work, assuming that, by some miracle, the elevator stops on its own (which is def not a miracle) is if you have sex standing up. Worst position ever. You need to have the perfect height ratio with your partner for this to work, and also, how do you stop other people from getting in the elevator?
Look, I know that having sex in public anywhere is illegal, and nobody should be advocating for others to break the law, but the reality is that people still do it. And I’m actually not suggesting anyone go bang in public… in fact, I’m telling you where you should especially avoid doing it.
Images: Giphy (5); Unsplash
Watching your favorite TV shows is only made better by watching it with friends. And if you’re watching it with friends, the only improvement is to drink while you watch, especially because most of the TV I watch is so fucking stupid I could not possibly get through it sober. Instead of downing a bottle (or two) of wine while screaming at Becca for LETTING LINCOLN THE FLOOR SHITTER STAY on The Bachelorette, maximize your viewing party chicness by pairing your fav show with a cute on-theme cocktail. Also?? Have food. If I have to go wear pants, put on makeup, and hang out at someone’s house instead of my bed, I expect to be fed. GOD. You can thank me for these genius TV and cocktail pairings in the comments.
‘The Bachelorette’ + Will You Accept This Frosé?
If you haven’t had frosé yet, you’re not trendy enough to be my friend. Sorry. A frosé is a frozen rosé cocktail. It is my favorite summer drink, it’s not super high in calories, and it goes with the sad roses Becca tearfully passes out to racists and flat-Earthers. Plus, frosé is totally Instagrammable. All you need is rosé, sugar, strawberries, lemon juice, ice, and a blender. Your friends will be hammered, having a great time, and on theme.
‘Jersey Shore’ – The Long Island Dump
Celebrate the trash that is Jersey Shore: Family Vacation with an equally trashy drink, like a Long Island Iced Tea guaranteed to get you so drunk that you feel on par with the cast. Much like our favorite guidos, this drink is a mess of alcohol all poured into one fuck-you-up beverage. Also, aren’t some of them from Long Island? My sense of geography for that part of the country is v flawed. I don’t pay attention in one class freshmen year of high school because it was at 7:30am, and I somehow never take or learn geography again. Like, I didn’t know that would forever fuck up my ability to find shit for the rest of my life. Anyway, get your friends drunk enough to tolerate Angelina shitting her pants on TV with vodka, gin, white rum, Triple Sec, lemon juice, cola, and lemon wedges!
‘The Handmaid’s Tale’ – Gilead Water
Do people have viewing parties for The Handmaid’s Tale? Do you guys just like, cry into each other’s shoulders about the realization that this is going to be our reality in the near future? Well, if so, drink a cocktail the same color as our sad, black hearts watching it. This drink is actually called LA Water, because it’s the exact color of the LA river. Super sad and super gross, much like our impending doom! Make this dystopian cocktail with vodka, gin, rum, Triple Sec, Blue Caracao, raspberry liquer, and sweet and sour mix. Hopefully you’ll forget about the state of our country.
‘The Real Housewives Of Orange County’ – You Are Orange, Jesus Jugs
Coming back this July, my OC Real Housewives are back to ruin lives and accuse each other of faking cancer. Can’t wait! I just binged the entire series on Hulu, so I’m sure that will tell you everything about my current mental state. I’m actually from Orange County, and I can tell you, it’s exactly like that. Anyway, watch Vicki and Tamra mak eup and then call each other whores five minutes later with a fun, orange-themed drink like an Orange Blossom. But I gave it a cute name involving Jesus Jugs because that is the best insult of Housewives history. Fight me. Make this orange drink in honor of our fav orange-holding ladies with gin, vermouth, and orange juice.
‘Bachelor In Paradise’ – Consensual Sex On The Beach
Ok, this one doesn’t come out until August but I am so. Fucking. Excited. It’s the only reason I tolerate all the other Bachelor shitshows is to pregame for BIP so I know who everyone is. Which was an especially huge burden this year because we had that fucking disaster that was Winter Games. Hopefully this year everyone gives explicit consent before having oral sex on camera in front of an entire crew, because I will cut a bitch if production gets shut down again and we miss several weeks of iconic trash TV. Make a ~Consensual~ Sex on the Beach for this slut-fest with vodka, peach liqueur, orange juice, and cranberry juice, and pretend you’ve also instantly found true love with randos in Mexico.