Spring forward, kids. We’re all super excited to lose an hour of sleep and life this weekend, so get ready to embrace the shortest weekend ever. Whether the planets want you to focus on your relationship (see: trying not to complain about his inability to empty the dishwasher), enjoy the outdoors (ugh), or re-examine your career (someone pay me to do nothing), there’s no time like the present for jumping on this sh*t.
Commit to taking better care of yourself starting this weekend, Pisces. That could mean letting yourself have the pizza once in awhile, going to that f*cking hot spin class, or just making sure you wash your hair every three days. On Sunday, the moon is highlighting all things romance, so if you’re wifed up, head out for drinks and something sweet, like a brownie sundae at Applebee’s. If you’re single, set aside an hour for swiping through Ship with a glass of wine in hand.
Time to get creative, Aries. Take one of those wine and painting classes with your girlfriends, or just break into that ceramics class at the art center up the block. Even if your artistic abilities are around the third grade level, just have some f*cking fun. Sunday you may feel pulled between your own creative pursuits and the needs of someone else (like your SO and his inability to meal prep for himself), but it’s okay to try and split time between the two.
Be a domestic goddess, Taurus. Spend the weekend doing all the nest sh*t that you normally put off, like Windexing the bathroom mirrors and steam cleaning your kitchen floor. Once that’s all spick and span, have some friends over for a fancy dinner party. Or, like, just order pizza and point out to the delivery guy that you cleaned and require validation.
It’s a great time to learn some sh*t, Gemini. Sign up for an online course in anthropology, or, if that’s a total waste of time, try to pick up those Duolingo French lessons again, mon petit cochon. It’s also a great time to get creative with your side hustles, so don’t be afraid to pick back up your Tumblr. I’m sure everyone is stoked to read it again.
Look at your finances, Cancer. Maybe avoid checking your 401(k) or stock options, since the Coronavirus has that sh*t on a steady decline. Instead, review your savings and credit cards and make sure you’re saving and not putting yourself in a debt hole. If you’re being responsible, feel free to book a spa appointment for Sunday. You earned it, champ.
Time to soak up your own awesomeness, Leo. Whether it means getting together with your most positive, complimentary friends, communing with nature, or calling your mom and asking her to remind you how great she thinks you are, this weekend is all about recognizing that you’re, like, really swell. Spend Saturday celebrating with sweatpants and Taco Bell. Sunday is for online shopping and hitting “buy” on that totally frivolous purchase you’ve been putting off.
Do nothing, Virgo. Seriously, some weekends are best for staying in, ordering Postmates, perusing celebrity Instas, and not putting on makeup. This is one of those times. After all that r&r on Saturday, it’s totally fine to head out with your SO on Sunday for a much-needed date night. If you’re single, call a sibling and catch up or take your mom out to dinner. She loves to hang out with you.
Friday and Saturday will be all about socializing, Libra, and you def need it after the week you’ve had. Grab drinks and catch up on gossip with your besties at a new spot in town. You may run into someone interesting, too. Come Sunday, the moon in Virgo will be pushing you to leave everyone on read while you re-calibrate and prepare for the week ahead.
It’s a good time to think about your work-life balance, or lack thereof, Scorpio. Do some sittin’ and thinkin’ about how happy your 9 to 5 actually makes you when you come home on Friday. If all signs point to “not f*cking happy”, spend Saturday finessing your resume and sending it around to some new options. On Sunday, you’ll want to socialize, so meet up with friends and talk through the whole job and career debacle. You may be surprised what they have to say.
Get out of your comfort zone this weekend, Sagittarius. You don’t have to sign up for skydiving or agree to an orgy with your SO; it can be as simple as forcing yourself to go to that abstract art gallery with your bestie who’s into that sh*t. On Sunday, check your work email early or start on that project you know your boss is going to ask about. Having a leg up will actually help you out this week.
It’s all about connecting on a sexy level this weekend, Capricorn. If you have a partner, spend Friday night getting to know them on a truly intimate level. You don’t have to break out any whips or butt plugs, unless you’re into that—just try to communicate without giggling when it comes to their wants. If you aren’t paired up, don’t be afraid to put yourself out there. Go on that date or say hi to that weirdo across the bar. It may end up better than you think.
Time for a weekend getaway with your partner or a best friend, Aquarius. Self-care is awesome, but this is a great weekend to put someone else first and try to enjoy the things they enjoy. So, if that means watching college baseball or hiking or pretending to understand the stock market, f*cking suck it up this weekend. Sunday provides a great opportunity to grow your relationship and take it to the next level, so try not to be a d*ck.
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Ah, cuffing season. You know, that time of year when the temperature starts to drop, and you suddenly feel like a stage five clinger frolicking around town in your slutty fall looks, secretly hoping to cross paths with Mr. Right? Now, if this doesn’t sound like you, then you’re probably that betch who hibernates in her pajamas binge-watching romantic comedies like Love Actually before inhaling the rest of the holiday cookie dough. Um, regardless, we’re all mad needy during this time of year, so if you’re stressing over your sex life or whether or not you’re getting cuffed this season, not to worry. These are your cuffing season horoscopes.
The sun is currently shining its cosmic rays over your matchmaking seventh house, and the horny eighth house of sex later this month. Long story short, you’re basically in heat, Aries. Although don’t get too crazy, considering Venus, the Regina George of the cosmos, is now retrograde in suspicious Scorpio until November 16. Yes, retrograde means your ex is secretly watching your every move behind the nearest bush. Wait, did you hear that? Everyone is suspect.
You’re flirting your ass off at work, you saucy betch. With the sun burning up your sixth house of OCD and responsibility, you’re giving it your all at the office these days, literally. Although truth is, you’re secretly getting ready for a Scorpio season slut-a-thon. Are you looking for something serious? Venus is retrograde in your bump-and-grind seventh house until November 16, so look out for toxic flings and reappearing exes.
Get off the stage, Gemini. Okay, fine, but make sure you finish what you just started. The sun has morphed into a disco ball in your slutty fifth house of passion and shameless teasing; however, it moves into your responsibility zone of day-to-day grind later this month, and well, let’s get down to unfinished business…I mean business. Are you seriously crushing on the FedEx guy? Passing out after partying way too much is never fun, especially when your car smells like Taco Bell.
Get the f*ck out of your pajamas, Cancer. If you watch 13 Going on 30 one more time, there will be no thirty, flirty, and thriving in your future, so get it together. Granted, the sun is rocking you to sleep in your fourth house of there’s no place like home, but not for long, Dorothy. It will soon enter your flamboyant fifth house of hoeing and love at first sight. However, let’s not plan a wedding just yet, considering Venus is retrograde in this area of your chart. In the meantime, feel free to doodle both of your names on your iridescent notepad.
Stop trying to make fetch happen, Leo. With the sun skipping through your third house of gab and juicy gossip, you’re spilling the beans left and right. You obviously had zero shame asking the waiter for his rising sign the other night, too, but hey no one’s judging, your majesty. The sun enters your cozy fourth house later this month, so prepare to flake on your crew. It’s your turn to binge-watch Stranger Things, and well, maybe some Netflix and chill, too.
Put your calculator away! Granted, with the sun shedding an annoying light over your second house of income, you’ve been stressing over your bills, bills, bills. However, take a breath and look in the mirror. Remember who the f*ck you are, Virgo. Venus is currently retrograde in your sh*t-talking third house, stirring up old gossip, and possibly sparking a new friends with benefits adventure. Sexting is inevitable, but look out for screenshots.
Happy Birthday sex, Libra. The spotlight is on you, as per usual, except your self-centered ruling planet Venus is currently reverse in Scorpio, and your second house of confidence. Stop crying, you can have any guy that you want, just make sure to ditch that creepy ex-boyfriend of yours. In the meantime, Victoria’s Secret is having a sale, so make sure you go to the mall and buy yourself something nice. Besides, a girl can never have too much lingerie, right?
Hi, Scorpio. Hate to break it to you, but everyone knows you’re hiding out until Halloween. I get it though, the sun is in your shady twelfth house of secret enemies and déjà vu, and maybe you’re not in the mood to interact with any living species. However, that betch Venus is currently retrograde in your sign, stirring up all types of feels, so don’t take your moods too seriously. You are not your thoughts, except when you’re thinking about sex. Speaking of which, secret lovers are on the horizon for you, betch.
You’re slutting it up, as per usual, giving the term “single and ready to mingle” a whole new meaning these days. I mean, have you seen your DMs lately? Irregardless, the sun enters your oh-so-quiet twelfth house of crystals and sage later this month, so feel free to invoke your lovers via rituals and witchcraft. However, don’t get all Maleficent with your love spells. Venus is retrograde in this area of your chart, and you’re reaping those one-nighter TBTs. What goes around
cums comes around.
Getting cuffed is the last thing on your mind, but then again, what’s new? You’re a workaholic betch, and with the sun putting your career in the spotlight, you honestly couldn’t care less about anyone in sight. Kudos on your work wardrobe, BTW. Venus the gold digger is now retrograde, schmoozing her way through your friendship zone, possibly bringing up old relationship drama, and “he said, she said” bullsh*t. Butter isn’t a carb, but who cares, you’re getting cheese fries.
Settle the f*ck down, Aquarius. You’re making a scene, and everyone saw you pop a squat that night in the parking lot. The sun is clearly frolicking through your adventurous ninth house of road trips, and flip cup, but even still, how could you? It doesn’t help that Venus is moving backward through your corporate tenth house, sparking some VERY unnecessary hookups. Don’t sh*t where you eat. Don’t do it.
Stop feeling sorry for yourself, Pisces. How do you expect to start a solid relationship if you’re still hooking up with that f*ckboy? The sun is in your shadowy sex house, stirring up insecurities and unnecessary paranoia, so don’t order another jack on the rocks. The queen of the plastics, Venus, is moving backward through your adventurous ninth house of one-night-stands. Okay, so maybe I’m kidding about the one-night-stands, but what about the mile high club? Don’t underestimate the power of travel flings.
Images: Brooke Cagle / Unsplash; Giphy (4)
It’s summer, which means it is officially time to start either spicing things up in the bedroom, or constantly agonizing about how you have not yet spiced things up in the bedroom. With so many insane ideas for how to have a satisfying sex life out there (thanks, Cosmo), it can be hard to figure out which new and exciting sex moves are for you. And that’s exactly what the zodiac is here for—to help you make difficult and deeply personal decisions based off the arbitrary placement of the stars and planets as per the date of your birth. Isn’t that like, helpful AF? Here are the best crazy sex moves for your sign to try this summer. You’ll be seeing stars. We guarantee it.
Aries – On Top/Reverse Cowgirl
Aries want to be in charge of like…everything, so why would it be any different when it comes to sex? You’re a natural born leader, so it makes perfect sense that you should be in charge of the rhythm in the bedroom. Next time you find yourself in some fuckboy (or fuckgirl)’s boudoir, push them on the bed and hop on top ASAP. They’ll thank you for doing all of the work, and you’ll thank yourself for being so on-point, always.
Taurus – Shower Sex
Taurus, you are nothing if not practical. So why not kill two birds with one stone by engaging in a little shower sex? You’ll get off, and get clean. And sure, shower sex poses a challenge in that it literally never works outside of movies, but what makes a Taurus hornier than setting a difficult goal and achieving it? Bulls have the exact amount of determination and dedication to make this holy grail of sex positions work, and your partner will literally be in awe of you and tell the story of your soapy midday sex sesh during “Never Have I Ever” for the rest of their natural lives.
Gemini – An Orgy
Geminis are historically difficult to please, so it’s crazy to think that just one person with just one penis is going to be able to do the trick. You change your mind faster than the president (who is also a Gemini, btw) can send off a tweet, so why not set up a sexual encounter where you’ll be provided with lots and lots of options? You’ll have all your needs met and more, plus you can pull the most Gemini move ever and just dip out of the orgy as soon as you’re bored knowing that everyone will be totally fine without you there.
Cancer – Spooning
Cancer, as imaginative as you can be in your day-to-day life, in the bedroom you just want to connect. That’s why you need to get the spooning position into your sexual rotation ASAP. Not only does it mean that you can have literally every inch of your body touching, while also keeping their face out of yours so you can stop reading facial cues for just one goddamn second and actually get off. If you’re looking at each other, hyper-empathetic Cancers will be wayyyyy too tempted to ask a ton of annoying questions and second-guess themselves based on a weird face their partner made (pro tip, Cancer, sex is like 95% weird faces) so it’s best if the crabs just turn their asses around and focus on themselves. Ugh. Sorry for mentioning “crabs” in a sex article. My b.
Leo – Make A Sex Tape
Leos love to be the center of attention, which is why it’s always bothered you that you’ve never been able to see yourself having sex. And let’s face it, anytime you are having sex, you’re also low-key thinking about how well the sex tape of this moment would play if somebody leaked it. So here’s what you do—invite your fuckboy over for a little on-camera action. Tape your amateur porno on your laptop and keep the files on your computer so you don’t have to worry that when you eventually kick homeboy’s ass to the curb he’ll go all revenge porn on you and send a copy of the tape to your boss. The two of you can watch it back when you feel like it, and you’ll have total control over where that tape lives. Just try to resist the urge to leak your own sex tape for the attention in a year or so. The chances of you becoming the next Kim Kardashian are like, very, very low.
Virgo – Become A Dominatrix
Virgos are naturally picky and critical by nature, so why not take those “negative” traits and turn them into something sexy? You freak out any time you’re not in charge anyway, plus your attention to detail will ensure your very, very bad partner won’t be getting away with anything. Also, let’s face it, you’ve always thought you’d looking amazing in leather. Your conservative, practical nature makes you literally the perfect candidate to be into some freaky shit behind closed doors. It’s always the quiet ones who surprise you.
Libra – 69
Libras are all about equality, and what better way to ensure that both partners are equally all up in each other’s junk than a good old fashioned 69? In general, Libras hate being alone and it’s pretty hard to imagine a scenario where you’re less alone than when someone’s genitals are fully in your face. While this position has always seemed questionably enjoyable to me, Libras will appreciate the fact that both partners are in equal discomfort and equally exposed to fluids and smells. That’s what true love is all about, right?
Scorpio – Anal
Yep, Scorpio, you read that right. If you really want to spice up life in the bedroom, there’s really only one route for you to take: the back door. I know it might seem intense and scary, but “intense and scary” are kind of your thing. Scorpios are all about experiences and transformation, and what could be a bigger experience than transforming your anal virginity into non-existence? You’re also big on human connection and forming bonds, and I think it’s safe to say that exploring what the b-hole has to offer is def a bonding experience. Just be sure to make like a Taurus and over-prepare. Lube is your friend here, Scorpio.
Sagittarius – The Public Quickie
Sags are the travelers of the zodiac, so it makes sense that you would want to put the lust in wanderlust by engaging in a little public fun. I mean, what’s the point of being confined to the bedroom when there is so much world out there to be defiled by your insatiable horniness? Next time you take one of your world class vacations, skip the hotel room sex and switch it out for some hotel pool sex. Sure, you might get kicked out of your room and the other hotel guests will hate you forever, but you don’t even go here so who tf cares?
Capricorn – Marathon Sex
Capricorns love a good challenge, so why not hit up your latest Tinder bae and schedule an entire day for marathon sex? Caps tend to believe that the best things come from hard work, and you’ll definitely feel like you’ve put in work after 12 straight hours of pleasure. Besides, you’re usually so buttoned up and controlled, it’ll be good to just let things go and let your horny side take the reigns for once. Then it’ll be back to work on Monday like you didn’t just spend an entire weekend turning your fuckboy inside out.
Aquarius – Tantric Sex
Aquarians are obsessed—literally obsessed—with spirituality. Combine the love you have for the teachings of your fave yoga instructor with the onset of your intense summer horniness by engaging in some tantric sex. Tantra is all about “expanding consciousness” through sex, so basically you’re trying to fuck so good it’s like an LSD trip. Yeah, it’s like, right up your alley. All you have to do is grab a Kama Sutra book and hit up that one cute barista with an ohm tattoo and you’ll be all set for your next spiritual awakening.
Pisces – Phone Sex
Pisces are extremely artistic, so getting creative with a little phone sex session is literally perfect for you. You’ll be able to finally express all the insane sex scenarios you conjure up while daydreaming at work, without having to invest in any of the props or costumes that actually playing these fantasies out would require. This form of sexual stimulation also utilizes one of your greatest strengths: talking your ass off. As an added bonus, you can also bring your love of music into the mix by bursting into song. Your partner may not be into it at first, but your intuitive nature will help you figure out the exact right time to hit that high C.