This time of year, the internet is pretty much nothing but porn and gift guides. That’s because buying gifts for people sucks ass, because deep down none of us really care that much about other people or bothering to think of something thoughtful. Hence, gift guides. Here, have this Applebee’s gift card, because when I look at you, I think “2-for-1 appetizers.”
The problem is, the gift guides suck too! They’re usually written by either a) an editorial staff utterly divorced from the real world, or b) more dark-money input than the latest shitty tax bill. It’s all “here, buy your boyfriend this leather pouch for his Pokémon cards, he’ll love it!” No, dumbass, I will not.
Instead, here are a few common recommendations, and some better options for when you want to at least pretend you give a damn.
Recommendation: A Bathrobe
I’ve seen a few outlets put this bathrobe from Snow in their gift guides, based on the fact that it’s soft and comfortable. I’m not going to lie, the idea of hanging out in an oversized towel does sound pretty appealing, but it’s impractical: After I take a shower, I’m not going to want to try to make dinner or cut my toenails or whatever in a big bulky robe.
Better Idea: Lounge Pants
Much more practical (and no less comfy) would be a pair of pajama/lounge pants, like these from Bonobos. They’re cut to fit men (read: they can accommodate our junk), and while comfortable enough to sleep in, they’re stylish enough for a trip down to the corner store if need be.
Recommendation: Xbox One X
The latest Xbox is on a lot of lists because a) people assume all guys are video game-loving idiots, and b) it contains more computing power than all of NASA. The problem, though, is that it costs a fuckton of money, and you probably already know if your boyfriend is the type of person to park himself in front of a game console for an entire lunar cycle. Sure, there’s a chance you could surprise him and turn him into a gamer (good for you, I guess?), but more likely he’ll dick around with it a bit, and then it’ll sit on a shelf, beautiful yet unused like Melania Trump’s vagina.
Better Idea: SNES Classic Edition
If you want to do something video game related, the SNES Classic is the hot toy of the season. It’s not a game console (the pictures don’t do it justice, but it fits in the palm of your hand), but rather, an emulator pre-loaded with a bunch of well-known games from the 90s. They’re fun and simple to play, and the best part is you know damn well you got down on some Mario Kart and Donkey Kong Country when you were a kid, too. The best gifts are the ones you derive equal benefit from, IMHO.
Recommendation: Fitbit Charge 2
The thinking here makes sense. Whether your boyfriend already works out or wants to start, a fitness tracker will help by relaying his heart rate, calories burned, miles traveled etc., providing both motivation and real-time coaching. The problem is that even in 2017 these things are inaccurate as hell, especially for what they cost. If your boyfriend doesn’t work out, a goofy wrist computer isn’t going to get him off the couch. And if he already has the body of an Adonis, well, he was doing just fine without one, wasn’t he?
Better Idea: A TRX Trainer
Rather than a gadget that does nothing, why not one piece of equipment that does everything? Moving your body through space is the most sophisticated form of resistance training, and a TRX strap allows for that and so much more. You’re unlikely to find this at most gyms, but it’s portable enough if he wants to bring it with him. Otherwise, he can use it at home to develop upper and lower body strength, and get a killer ab workout.
Recommendation: Keurig K575 Coffee Maker
Everyone loves coffee, and there’s nothing more convenient than a Keurig, right? Well, sure, until the stupid touchscreen stops working, at which point you have a $90 paperweight. Not to mention, the thing itself is made with a bunch of rare, environmentally damaging materials, and the K-cups themselves with overfill our landfills and bury us all. No thanks.
Better Idea: A Cold Brew Coffee Maker
Cold brew is just a superior form of coffee. It’s smoother and tastes sweeter, and I drink it all year ’round because I’m not a little bitch who makes his beverage choices based on the ambient temperature. Rather than shell out for it at Starbucks every morning, get this little contraption that can make it for you at home—it’s literally as simple as putting some coffee grounds in water and letting them sit there for a while. Tbh you can get by with much simpler, cheaper makers, but it’s nice to show you care.
Recommendation: A Coat Or Whatever The Fuck
Accessories are low-hanging fruit on any gift guide. They’re slightly less personal than something that actually touches your skin, and like, who doesn’t need a coat? That’s fine, but it’s a little too impersonal, and I personally am 100% not here for these stupid sewn-in bibs they’re putting in men’s coats this year. I can wear my own big like a big boy if I want to, thank you very much.
Better Idea: Stitch Fix
You probably know the deal with Stitch Fix, and they do the same thing for men: Fill out a questionnaire about your style, price range, which way your penis curves, etc., and a personal stylist will send a box of shit they think you’ll like. Send back what you want, and the $20 fee goes toward anything you buy. It puts him in control of his style (while still leaving him in capable hands), which is a win-win.
I’ll be the first to admit that the thought of giving a blow job used to feel like a fucking chore. It’s that item at the bottom of your to-do list that you can get away with not doing, but probably should be done soon. Like, it never actually leaves, but somehow always gets checked off first—sort of like my last Tinder hookup. But since I’m supposed to be giving you better ways to enjoy sucking dick, while somehow convincing my mom that I’m still at least half a virgin, I’m here to tell you to sack up (pun intended), because dedicating your precious time to giving one blowie isn’t all that fucking bad. Maybe it’s just the type of savage friends I choose to surround myself with, but when I asked how often they give head, this was literally their response:
On one hand, *insert slow golf clap here*. But if you’re reading this and are one of those girls who thinks this doesn’t apply to you because you have a vagine of gold and you treat your guy to half-assed hand jobs on the reg, you’re the reason he cheats, but I guess also the reason I’m employed. That was harsh, but whatever. Giving a hand job is like giving someone a yellow Starburst. It’s always the last choice, but they’re not gonna not take it. So I’m here to save you the shitty comparison with easy positions that’ll make giving head suck a little less (srsly, killing these puns), because nobody wants to be compared to a yellow Starburst. Not even a fucking yellow Starburst.
1. The Lazy Sunday
It’s Sunday morning so, just guessing, you’re prob hungover and the last thing you care to think about is plowing your face into his junk before you can even press start on the Keurig. I get it. But while you’re lying there checking the likes on last night’s Instagram, his morning wood is begging to be sanded down, so because I’m the nice slut woman that I am, I’ll let you in on a secret: Surprising a guy with an earlybird BJ is a proven fact that you’ll get your way the entire rest of the week, but mostly a surefire way he won’t be personally victimized by your morning breath. All you need to do is prop a pillow on his stomach and lay sideways while resting your head on it. His dick will literally be staring you in the face, so you barely even have to move. This position is great for when you’re not entirely awake to give full-service head, but awake enough to not pass back out with a mouth full of peen.
2. Sideways 69
No need to lie anymore—this is a safe place, so let it out, honey. Put it in the book: 69 fucking blows (now I’m just being annoying with the puns). It’s impossible to even concentrate when you’re trying to dodge any and all contact with raw asshole, and holding yourself up constitutes like, a 4-hour barre workout. The sideways 69 is a little less work and a lot less regret. Really all you need to do is lay on your sides in the opposite direction and go to town. He can even get crafty on your end and use a vibrator while you’re generously sampling the sausage. You know, like a “you scratch my back, I’ll scratch yours” kinda thing.
3. Cinema Blow Job (Extra Butter)
If you’re that “can’t keep it in your fucking pants” couple, this one’s for you. Your guy literally just needs to be sitting down while you’re sitting next to him. The next and final step is unzipping his pants and bending over—yeah, groundbreaking. Do it in a theater (for the love of the children, I hope you’re not doing this in a theater, you sick fuck), do it while he’s driving, the world is your bedroom. This position isn’t exactly the most innovative, but trust me—doing it in a taboo location will amp up the excitement and take the edge off whatever is so goddamn torturous about giving head. Just please don’t get arrested.
4. Head Rush
Life is just too damn short to agree to favors that don’t also benefit you in the process. That’s just my take on selfless acts of kindness, but to each their own. This position is probably the most advanced, but I included it because of its benefits. Like, think about it: Would you ever even consider taking a job in the real world without 401k benefits? Case closed. Start out by laying on your bed with your head slightly dangling off. Even though your mouth is fully occupied, it’s important to remember that you’re still in control of this ship (fucking duh). Use your hands to grab onto his thighs and guide him as you damn well please. From there, he has easy access to reach around and keep your vacant vagine some hard-earned company. It’s all really just the law of physics at this point, but if you failed that class, just keep going until he finishes or all the blood rushes to your head—basically whichever comes first.
5. Face Plow
So I realize now that this position is probably the reason for so many peoples’ utter disgust in giving out blowies, but it’s called a blow “job”, not a blow “piece of cake”. So here’s the thing: one of the only times a betch lets a guy exert his dominance is in the bedroom. All you have to do is abide by the rules of gravity. Lay flat on the bed, let him straddle your face, and well… Honestly, I know you’re not an idiot, so judging by the name of this position alone, need I go on?
I’d like to be upfront about a couple things here: 1) I am (fairly recently) un-single and 2) I was possibly the least cool single person who’s ever existed. So while I still regularly indulge in occasionally miss the 48-hour Netflix binges and bong rips, I definitely don’t miss the obsessing, the drunk texting exes, and the generally insane amount of energy I put into every tiny interaction with whatever guy I was freaking out about at the time. And since I’m new to the whole relationship thing and do something for which I should probably be arrested broken up with at least once a month, I’ve been thinking I should set some guidelines for the next time I’m single. Because I’m paid to write this super generous, I’ve decided to share it here.
1. Hang Out With Single Friends
Don’t have any? Cool, are you like 50 make some. Yes, there is a very small possibility that one of your coupled-up friend’s boyfriends will have a cute single friend, but honestly I got exhausted just typing that sentence. Bottom line: between the years of high school and post-first divorce, it’s just not cute to be asking “so what single guys will be there” before every function you attend. All you’re doing is reminding people that you’re single, and no one’s going to set someone up with the friend that reminds them of Ginnifer Goodwin in He’s Just Not That Into You. (As that reference implies, I’ve both been that girl and seen that movie 3-7 times, so please just trust me that I know my way around being pathetic.) I’m not trying to start some single/coupled war here, I just think that when you’re single, it can suck to feel like everyone else has someone—so instead, go out with your hot/fun/single friends, and send Snaps from the club to your friends who are at home listening to their boyfriends.
2. Don’t Spend Too Much Time With Yourself
I know this goes against what a lot of people say, but I feel like the “take time with your advice” is always really about post-breakup periods of time, and a lot of the problem of feeling single is constantly feeling like everything you’re doing is in reaction to your last breakup. Actually, a bigger problem with being me being single is constantly analyzing why you do everything you do, which is a really easy habit to fall into when you spend so. much. time. alone. If you are post-breakup, your head right now is in a place with a very bruised ego and a lot of rage, and why would you want to stay alone with that? I know the whole idea is to “get to know yourself again” and really “be with your thoughts” but honestly, your thoughts aren’t fucking going anywhere. No matter how many people you hang out with, your brain does not get airlifted from your body to a different location—and if you’re supposed to spend this time “getting to know the new you,” wouldn’t it be better if the new one was someone with friends and commitments requiring pants? Yeah, get to know that person.
3. Keep Having Sex
This is very important, for so many reasons. First of all, it will prevent you from accidentally falling in love with the first guy you sleep with in six months just because you forgot what a dick feels like. Second of all, having people see you naked gives you an incentive to stay hot, and I absolutely refuse to write an article about being single in which I suggest outright that you work out. I have almost lost my phone too many times hurling it at a wall after reading that suggestion in bed on a Sunday at 4pm, and frankly it’s just rude. However, if you’re regularly getting laid (which, even just makes you look hotter for a bunch of reasons I won’t get into), you’re going to feel hotter and more wanted anyway and have your own motivation for staying in amazing shape.
If these points have anything in common, it’s that you should keep in mind that being single is not the same thing as being alone (at least, it doesn’t have to be). So if it feels like you’re alone, that fucking sucks and you should fix it—but you don’t have to get a boyfriend for that to change. (Looking forward to cry-reading this article when I’m freshly single, bye!)
Threesomes are (still) thought of as some scandalous sex act, despite this being 2017 and a time when songs on the radio say things like “he gotta eat the booty like groceries”. This is probably because threesomes are either considered a last-ditch effort to spice up a relationship or a super slutty thing to do when you’re high on coke. Obviously we’re beyond both these stereotypes, but it doesn’t help that pop culture and TV shows like Gossip Girl still use threesomes as a plot point to destroy a relationship. Anyway, you might be considering having a threesome because you’re bored or because you’re genuinely curious, but before you decide to make your relationship a multiplayer game, here are a few things to consider.
1. Who Suggested It?
Think about this carefully. Did you first suggest having a threesome, or did the guy you’re dating? Guys are pretty good at incepting fantasies, so unless you have been dreaming of this before you two started dating, there’s a good chance you’re looking for a way to please him as opposed to actually wanting to have a threesome. If he mentioned being into a threesome and you thought it’d be a Cool Girl thing to do, you probably should wait before pursuing. And ask yourself, does he really want a threesome, or does he just want an opportunity to fuck another girl without you being able to say shit about it? However, if you’ve always been curious and finally are in a relationship with a dude who you trust enough to try it with, then you should go for it. Just make sure you set some ground rules, like no exchanging numbers with your third or looking into her eyes during climax.
2. Are You Attracted To Both Of The People Involved?
You might not actually want to date both of them, but would you at least make out with both of them if you met them on their own? Even if you’re not totally into girls and one of them is a girl, you should not be repulsed by her face and/or the idea of seeing her naked. Pretty groundbreaking stuff here.
3. Is This Something That Could Happen Again?
Unless you’re on Feeld swiping for couples constantly, you’re probably just curious to check it off your list. If you’re in a relationship and you both want to try having a threesome, just know that once you’ve crossed the line, he might want to do it again. Much like women who say “I never do this” really do “this” all the time, saying something is going to be a one time thing is almost a guarantee it’s just the beginning of more of the same thing. You wouldn’t tolerate him cheating on you just for “the experience”, so if you’re not into having a threesome more than once, you probably aren’t into having it in the first place.
4. Are You Cool With Watching Your Partner Have Sex With Someone Else?
It seems obvious but is apparently not, given the amount of internet threads I read that go something like: “I thought it would be hot, but then I watched my boyfriend/girlfriend/whoever have sex with another person in front of me and now our relationship is ruined.” Don’t just go into this blind (read: drunk). It requires a real talk beforehand and some boundary setting. Are you okay if your boyfriend sticks his dick in another girl? Is he allowed to do everything but penetration? If so, why are you even doing this in the first place? Kidding. Sort of. Do what makes you happy.
5. How Jealous Are You?
No, really—how jealous are you? Be honest. Nobody’s looking at your answers here (you don’t even need to write them down, what are you doing?). Do you feel kind of salty when you see your boyfriend like another girl’s picture on Instagram? Do you still stalk his ex girlfriends to make sure they’re not prettier than you? If you answered yes to these questions, then you’ll never be chill watching him stick his dick inside another girl in front of you. AND THAT’S PERFECTLY OKAY. We don’t live in an episode of Insecure—threesomes and open relationships are not for everyone. Don’t lie to yourself and pretend to be okay with something you’re not, because in the end you’ll only end up playing yourself.
6. If You’re The Third—Do You Ever Have To See The Couple Again?
You might just be bored and looking to spice up your own sex life, but do you really want to be a part of some couple’s dinner party story in 30 years when they’re trying to seem more “interesting” than their other lame couple friends? Unless it’s Chrissy Teigen and John Legend, having sex with a couple is something they’re going to be way more into than you usually are. If you hate PDA and are prone to gagging when you see couples kissing on the subway (hi), there’s no way that watching two people who are dating and (*pukes*) in love fuck each other is going to turn you on. I just don’t see it happening. Also, if you’re even considering sleeping with a couple in your social circle, DON’T. If things go south you’re probably going to get branded as a home wrecker (not saying it’s fair, just saying it’s what happens). Not to mention, once you’ve exchanged bodily fluids with a couple, attending dinner parties with them just seems like a weird time.
Bottom line is, you should feel free to explore a threesome if you’re into it. But if you’re only doing it to make your partner think you’re a Cool Girl, or worse, to keep someone from cheating on you (spoiler alert: he probably already is), then you’re better off making him think you’re into the idea of a threesome and not actually doing it. In general, don’t have a threesome unless you’re the one calling the shots. Ideally you’re on vacation out of the country, so even if he did fall in love with the other girl, she won’t speak English and he won’t be able to track her down ever again. Kidding. Sort of.
I believe that nothing good in life comes easy, and that includes interactions with the worse penis-toting sex. That’s why I don’t online date (anymore)—it all just seems easy. A little too easy. I’ll be honest, I’m convinced all men in existence are fuckboys, but especially on dating apps, all men are fuckboys. But they’re not all the same kind of fuckboy, and his dating app of choice says a lot about how he’ll eventually screw you over the kind of fuckboy he is. As someone who’s extremely jaded well-versed in dating apps, here’s how to pick your poison.
1. Tinder: The Degenerate Fuckboy
Simply put, this dude is brazen. We all know all guys are just looking to fuck on dating apps, but guys on other apps will at least give you the common decency of leading you on for a couple dates, introducing you to his friends so you let your guard down and let him smash, and then never calling you again. Who said chivalry is dead? Tinder, though, is a fiery post-apocalyptic wasteland where the guys don’t even try to hide the fact that they just want to get in and get out and may or may not give you crabs in the process. Honestly, just say no to Tinder. Unless you want some unattached, possibly diseased dick, then by all means, swipe away.
2. Bumble: The Nice Guy Fuckboy
We’ve already gone into the perils of the nice guy fuckboy. Girls go on Bumble because there’s a reputation that it’s “more serious” than Tinder. Also, there are strangely a lot of hot guys on it for some reason. But don’t be fooled by the Ryan Gosling lookalikes or the “serious” reputation—Bumble guys are a fucking trap. See, you *think* Bumble guys are feminists and down for the cause since they’ll let you message first, when in reality Bumble guys are the laziest type there is. Congratulations, Bumble ladies, you’ve just given up your one iota of power in the dating status quo: the ability to play gatekeeper. Now instead of eliminating guys based off terrible openers, YOU have to come up with the terrible one-liners. YOU get to view the ticking clock of rejection as your message goes unanswered for 10…18…24 hours. NOPE. Don’t do it. I have a secret conspiracy theory that Bumble attracts lazy nice guy fuckboys because they know they don’t have to put in any effort and you’ll come to them. Sure, they seem nice and might not open a conversation with a lewd invitation to see their penis, but start dating a fuckboy on Bumble and soon you’ll be picking out and buying your own birthday present because “you’re going to the store anyway and it just makes sense for you to do it.” IT’S A TRAP.
3. Hinge: The Organized Fuckboy
I say this because I just downloaded Hinge and I have no fucking clue how this app works. You mean to tell me Bumble will walk me through the steps of how to swipe in one of two directions every time I delete and then re-download the app, but Hinge, which is not intuitive in any sense, doesn’t have any instructions to be found anywhere? Okay. Sure. Makes sense. That’s why I say any guy who can successfully navigate Hinge probably keeps a detailed planner of all his dick appointments and their precise time and location. He’s not gonna end up in some botched John Tucker Must Die scenario where he accidentally double-books himself for six dates in a row (that was a Bumble rookie). He’ll have your dates planned to a T: where you go, how many drinks you have, how long he’ll plan to lead you on before ghosting you, timed down to the minute… oh, what’s that? Hinge is for guys who are “looking for relationships”? Same thing.
4. Happn: The Idiot Fuckboy
This guy is so dumb that he needs an app to help him hit on women who’ve literally crossed paths with him in real life. Like, that is what conventional dating is supposed to be. You see people you find attractive in real life? That’s what you have a mouth for: to cat call her from across the street approach someone IN PERSON and ask them out. I get the appeal of other dating apps like Tinder and the like that put you into contact with people you literally may have never encountered otherwise. Isn’t that the whole point of it? Show me a guy who uses Happn and I’ll show you a draft he’s written for a post on Craiglist Missed Connections, searching for “the beauty on the R train at 8:36am at Queens Plaza. Your eyes were lost in your phone, and my eyes were lost in your gorgeous flowing locks.” Any guy who uses this app probably doesn’t even know how to pay his own bills. Yeah, that correlates. Let’s go with it.
5. Coffee Meets Bagel: The Mama’s Boy Fuckboy
Am I just saying that because an app that’s literally called Coffee Meets Bagel sounds like a Jewish dating app and I have some internalized stereotypes? Yeah, probably. But maybe I’m onto something. The last time I downloaded this app in a fit of rage tried this out—which, admittedly, was years ago—you only got one match per day and it came in at precisely 12pm noon. If you took didn’t check the app every day at precisely that time, you’d miss it. Safe to say I never met anyone from Coffee Meets Bagel. Any guy who’s willing to put up with this overly regimented bullshit in an age where Tinder and Bumble exist is probably the type of guy who calls his mom at exactly 8pm every Sunday because if not she’ll “worry too much about him” (aka light his phone up like the goddamn Fourth of July) and who will remind you to take your birth control at 11pm on the dot, no matter where or how drunk you are. Honestly, he’s probably the best least awful fuckboy on here, and as long as you’re okay with always being second to his mother, he might be the move.