Presented by Plan B One Step
Is there anything millennials fear more than emotional intimacy? *Does an audit of my entire life thus far* Definitely not. There’s nothing more grave than the pit you get in your stomach the moment you send someone a “we need to talk” text. Except, I guess, the pit you get in your stomach when you have a birth control slip-up, like a condom breaking. As someone who used to agonize for days over what to wear for a casual night at the bar I knew I would only spend two hours at, making the decision to take Plan B after a night of failed birth control was…nerve-wracking, to say the least, when I did it the first time. I’d heard all the misconceptions, like that it has a bunch of side effects, and that it would f*ck up my ability to get pregnant later on—which is not something I want to do (even if I don’t want to get pregnant right now). But we live in the age of the internet, which means that instead of anxiety-texting an itemized list of those worries, I just went online to learn more and realized how misguided I was. Plan B’s main ingredient has been used in birth control pills for decades, and taking it won’t mess with your fertility. I also learned that Plan B won’t hurt my chances of becoming pregnant later on; it temporarily delays the release of an egg from the ovary after taking the pill so I don’t get pregnant right now.
So, the process of taking Plan B was not intimidating for me at all, since I knew the facts. I took it right away (by the way, you have 72 hours to take it, but the sooner you take it the better it works) and then I went about my normal life—without getting pregnant. Thank goodness. Which got me thinking: of all the things to be nervous about, taking Plan B after the condom breaks or accidentally skipping a pill or another kind of birth control slip-up shouldn’t be one of them. Not when there are plenty of other more anxiety-inducing issues that pop up in life, like…
1. Having A “What Are We?” Talk
I would so much rather walk up to a checkout counter, hand them a credit card, and take one pill than actually have to do the whole “what are we doing?” song and dance with whoever I’ve been seeing (in a fantasy world in which I am actually dating). What’s the worst that can happen, you ask? Uhm, crushing rejection? An ambiguous answer that will keep you on the same cycle of non-commitment that you’ve been in for the last six months? No, thanks.
2. Meeting The Parents
You could be a doctor who won the Nobel Prize and moonlights as a supermodel, and meeting the parents would still be stressful af. There are the obvious what-ifs: they don’t like you, you accidentally offend them somehow and because of that, they don’t like you, you have something stuck in your teeth so they think you have poor dental hygiene and don’t like you…Sensing a theme here?
3. Actually Cooking For Myself
“It’s easy!” they say. “Just follow the recipe!”As someone who regularly f*cks up hard boiled eggs because I get absorbed in another task while waiting for the water to boil, cooking for myself is easier said than done. There’s a lot that can go wrong when attempting to cook, and that’s not even counting the very real probability that the food can come out bad. Like, I could burn myself. Burn down my apartment. Chop off a finger. Chop off a limb—you get the idea. Better to leave it to the professionals (I say as I hit “check out” on Seamless for the third time today).
4. Doing An Exercise Video…
…and I mean actually doing it, not just laying on the floor. I know, the horror! Workout classes are supposed to reduce stress (and sure, I feel better afterwards), but the actual process of doing the class is often anything but stress-free. I never know what’s going on, and I feel like everyone else in the class had a meeting beforehand to nail down all the movements and flow and I missed it. What comes after burpees again? Plus, while everyone else looks like they’re going on a leisurely stroll through the park, I am huffing and puffing and pouring sweat from the face. I don’t think I’ve ever completed a workout class not wondering WTF was wrong with me… and that’s why I’d rather just lay on my mat, pretending to do the work.
5. Trying On Your Jeans For The First Time In Six Months
If you’ve been wearing pants with an actual button or fly during this period where nobody has anywhere to go, I’m not sure if I should be scared or impressed. Actually, I’m going to go with terrified, because nobody with that much discipline can be trusted, as far as I’m concerned. For the rest of us who have spent the past five or so months sitting on the couch in leggings, convincing ourselves that chips are a balanced meal, the time when we’ll have to put on jeans again is definitely not something any of us are looking forward to. Better to just throw the jeans away than deal with that stress, IMO.
As you can see, there are plenty of other potential issues you can encounter that are way more stressful than taking Plan B when you don’t have the facts. If you have birth control failure or unprotected sex and need to take emergency contraception, you can rest assured knowing that Plan B is the #1 ob/gyn recommended emergency contraception brand, and that it helps prevent pregnancy when taken within 72 hours of unprotected sex or birth control failure. It’s not an abortion pill, but it does help prevent pregnancy before it starts by delaying ovulation (no egg + no fertilization = no pregnancy). You can get Plan B at all major retail stores (like Target, Walgreens, CVS, or Rite Aid), without a prescription—just look in the family planning aisle. No prescription, ID, or age requirement. You got this!
Image: jeshoots.com / Unsplash
We have to stop treating oral sex on women as only foreplay. That’s a petition I would sign. Oral sex is nuanced and sexy, and referring to it as foreplay reduces it, as the word itself implies that oral is a lead-up to a bigger event. And while it can be, it shouldn’t always be. Going down on a woman is all about her and her pleasure, and there are few things in the world hotter than that, hand to Bible.
It’s also one of my favorite hobbies, right up there with red wine and lying down. Going down on a woman is a wildly different experience than typical sex. It’s more sensual and honestly involves a lot of vulnerability for both parties. It’s a literal baring of the most personal part of your body to someone else’s face. And because the vulva and vagina are between the legs, not flapping around in the breeze like a guy’s junk, oral sex on a woman is that much more intimate. It isn’t that a penis is less intimate than a vagina; it’s just that it’s more visible, and that generally makes it less mysterious.
There are also a lot of misconceptions out there about going down on lady parts. Girls seem to think that guys can be reluctant about it, because women have been taught or convinced that their vagina, labia and/or vulva look weird, smell weird, or are otherwise somehow undesirable to have near someone else’s face. Guys, however, regularly snap photos of their dick and send them out like Christmas cards. On the flip side, however, guys can also be a little intimidated to go down on a woman. It’s a lot of pressure, and it’s definitely not something you can dive into half-assed.
With guys it’s all laid out there, ready to go (the penis, I’m talking about the penis) whereas us girls have plenty of nerve endings to enjoy—they’re just not quite as physically obvious. No, it’s not that hard to find the clit by any means—that’s another myth perpetuated by the lazy—but getting a girl off is admittedly a bit more complicated than getting a guy off. Whereas blowjob technique is basically universal for men, there’s no universal guide for going down. What works and what doesn’t is different for every single vagina-haver out there, although there are a few baseline similarities. The vajay is simply a bit more temperamental than her male counterparts. She needs attention, consistency, and a little time. Like all divas, the clitoris is more than ready to bring the house down, but first she’s going to need some sparkling mineral water and a bubble bath. Ya feel? But rest assured, she’s got everything you need for mind-blowing oral with just a couple tips to help you give her what she’s looking for, aka, a toe-curling orgasm. There are plenty of ways to rock her world, so let’s get stoked about cunnilingus! (Sorry. There’s just no way to make that word sexy.)
1. Crazy Techniques Don’t Really Work
“What?!” you might say. “What about all those weird tips about writing the ABCs or rolling your tongue?” Yeah, that’s not a thing. You should definitely take your time and not rush things. And while some variety in the beginning in terms of pressure and tongue direction is great, the real thing that’s going to get someone off is consistent, repetitive movement in one targeted area. There’s plenty of room to play down there, but just know that if you end up too far off the map, it basically feels the same as if you were licking the elbow. The exact technique and location needed vary from person to person, but a lot of guys don’t know this basic information and, through no fault of their own, spend a lot of time all over the place when the real money area is in a much more focused zone that needs consistency above all else. Switching things up after finding what’s really working is not the move. A woman’s orgasm is a slow build, and if you move or change what you’re doing right when she’s getting into it, she’ll plateau, and no one wants that.
2. Try Different Positions
Most people have oral sex in the same position (girl lying on her back, partner lying between her legs), but there are plenty of alternatives. The way that your body is tilted or leaning can change which muscles are involved and dramatically affect not only how easy it is to orgasm, but also how powerful it is. Just for example, the 69 position—either on your side or with someone on top of the other—is an option. There’s also having him lie on his back and having the woman straddle his face, or a simpler switch-up like having him stand or kneel on the floor with her legs hanging off the edge of the bed. For those who enjoy penetration, the combo is also a nice twist. Just make sure to fully commit to the position you’re in so that she can spend her energy enjoying herself and not worrying about whether or not you’re into it.
3. Consider Spending Some Time Learning Her Anatomy
Especially if you’re unsure or don’t have a lot of experience giving oral to women, it never hurts to do some research on your own time so you can be informed as to where, exactly, everything is located. The clitoris makes up a small portion of the vaginal area, but is so significant that understanding those nerve endings can only benefit everyone involved. It never fails to shock me how few people (both men and women!) are clueless about the actual anatomical layout of the vag and vulva. There are three holes down there, people. And speaking of the third, as long as you are both comfortable, involving ass play with your oral is a great idea. Oral sex is one of those things that is better messy, much like a blowjob, so getting down and dirty with some emphasis on the dirty can be super hot. Again, ask first.
One last thing: as stated earlier, communication during this—and all sexual interactions—is vital. It’s important that everyone is on board and enthusiastic about what’s happening. But that being said, a woman also shouldn’t have to coach you every little step of the way. Having to guide and instruct the person down there becomes like another job, and not only is that not sexy, it puts the entirety of the event on her shoulders. The whole interaction is a two-way street, and it’s between the two people involved how it all goes down (pun intended), but don’t make her also be a teacher in her time off. Tune into her signals and what her body is telling you in addition to asking for verbal clarity when you need it. There’s a difference between wanting to give her exactly what she wants in terms of oral and just getting down there and waiting for further instruction like she’s placing her drive-thru order. One implies that you want her to truly enjoy herself, and the other makes it seem like you’re doing her a great favor. And you aren’t. She’s doing you one. Recognize.
Image: Sharon McCutcheon / Unsplash
First comes Love Is Blind, then comes marriage, then comes yet another f*cking reality dating show. It’s 2020, and most of us can relate to being isolated and isolated and sex-starved, but imagine this: you’re champagne-wasted on a free beach resort vaca surrounded by super hot people…the catch is, you’re literally not allowed to hook up with anyone unless you want to lose money. Harry Jowsey, the Australian hunk from Netflix’s reality dating show Too Hot To Handle, has experienced this ~traumatic~ experience firsthand. On the most recent episode of the Let Me Finish podcast, Taylor Jackson and Abby Lloyd sat down with Harry to discuss his recent breakup, sex, and breakup sex.
Harry and his THTH costar Francesca Farago, a Canadian model and Instagram personality, left the show together, broke up, then got engaged during the reunion special. But, in true influencer fashion, Francesca announced their second split via a YouTube video entitled “Our Break Up.” According to Harry, he was totally blindsided by the video, since he and Francesca had actually filmed a joint video explaining their breakup. “Everything was going to be civil, but she posted her video and it kinda just had a whole bunch of fabricated stories to attack me,” he said. “And I was like, I’ve got receipts and everything.” (Screenshots, screenshots, screenshots, people.)
The dramatic breakup has, understandably, been pretty tough on Harry’s mental health. In addition to anxiety attacks and a loss of appetite, he’s been getting attacked by commenters on his Instagram and TikTok accounts. “I don’t know what happened with me and Francesca because we had a great relationship, the breakup wasn’t bad, we just didn’t see eye-to-eye on a whole bunch of stuff,” he said. “Then that video got posted and then she just kept sending this tirade of hate toward me and my friends and my family, and I was like, ‘I don’t know who she’s talking to or who’s in her corner, because this isn’t the girl that I know.” As if the heart-wrenching breakup weren’t bad enough, Harry now has to call in his lawyers. “It’s gotten to a point where it’s affecting my brand…so I’m like okay, everything you’re saying is a lie, so…” We’re here for this passive aggression.
Francesca rebounded quickly, while Harry—who really is too hot to handle IRL, Abby confirms—has been easing back into the dating game. Just this weekend, he took a girl to dinner then to a party with a bunch of Gen Z TikTok stars (seems like a pretty sh*tty date idea, but that’s just me). Turns out, his date had ~history~ with one of the other guys there and ended up leaving with him, so Harry ended the night, declaring, ”Okay, I’m calling an Uber, I’m going home.” I mean, we’ve all been there. On the bright side, this means that Harry is single….He reports that he’s into tattoos, girls that text first, and post-breakup sex, so slide on into those DMs, ladies.
For more on Harry’s love and sex life, listen to the full interview on the latest episode of the Let Me Finish podcast.
Images: harryjowsey / Instagram
If you’ve spent your quarantine without a significant other, it’s been a long, sexless three months. Since mid-March, any kind of physical dating has been paused indefinitely, and sex with anyone who’s not your roommate has been, uh, not an option. The only human touch I’ve felt in the last 90 days is that one time when the grocery store cashier insisted on personally handing my receipt to me, and I’ll be honest, it made me feel alive.
But now that states are beginning to reopen, and a lot of people have just decided that they’re done caring about the ongoing pandemic, where do our sex lives go from here? Thankfully the government knows that we all need guidance during this tough time, and the New York City Health Department has released a handy factsheet entitled Safer Sex and COVID-19. Someone at the Health Department has a sense of humor, and the advice ranges from informational to absurd.
First, the factsheet gets us up to speed on COVID-19, saying, “You can get COVID-19 from a person who has it.” Duh? Considering most of us have barely left the house other than to get groceries and protest police brutality, I’d hope we’re all pretty aware of the basics of how coronavirus is contracted.
The factsheet then tells us that it’s safest to only have sex with those close to you, and that “you are your safest sex partner.” But while it’s reassuring to hear that masturbation can’t cause coronavirus (it’s 2020, you never know), I think we’re all reading this for the same reason. We want to know when we can have, like, sex sex. And the NYC government isn’t judging—they get it!
For now, they advise having “as few partners as possible,” and discussing possible COVID exposure and symptoms just like you would any other safe sex topics. But those aren’t the only rules they suggest. They say you should, “avoid kissing anyone who is not part of your small circle,” and that you should strongly consider wearing a mask during sex. If you’ve been looking for a kink to get into, your decision may have just been made for you. In fact, the factsheet specifically suggests that you “Make it a little kinky” by getting creative with your positions. They add that you can use “physical barriers, like walls, that allow sexual contact while preventing close face to face contact.” Did… did the government just advocate for the use of glory holes? I have to say, I’m a little speechless right now. Just remember that apparently “heavy breathing and panting” make spreading the virus more likely, so like, don’t get too into it.
And because the NYC Health Department isn’t a regular mom, they’re a cool mom, they even give guidelines for group sex scenarios, and I appreciate that the Health Department is giving advice suited to a range of sexual preferences. While stipulating that “large gatherings of any type are not safe” right now, they’ve still got some advice for those who “decide to find a crowd.” Again, masks and no kissing are the way to go, but they also add that you should “pick larger, more open, and well-ventilated spaces.” So uh, I guess I’ll see you this weekend at the masked warehouse orgy?
The factsheet also offers a word of advice to those who “usually meet your sex partners online or make a living by having sex.” First of all, props to them for referring to sex workers in such a respectful way. You really love to see it. They suggest not seeing anyone in person for now, and instead utilizing “video dates, sexting, subscription-based fan platforms, sexy ‘Zoom parties’ or chat rooms” if it is an option.
While I greatly appreciate the comedy factor of some of these tips (mainly the glory hole suggestion), all of this advice is real, and we can’t forget the fact that we’re still in the middle of a deadly pandemic. Miss Rona might be getting in the way of your hot girl summer plans, but be sure to make good choices regardless. Thanks for coming to my health class, now get out there and find a sexy Zoom party!
Images: snglrty / Shutterstock
I live for a good headline, so it should come as a surprise to no one that I clicked a story titled, “5 Positions to Use With Homemade Sex Toys”. Just to be clear, I didn’t click and read this entire article on, you guessed it, Cosmopolitan, because I am trying to break into the DIY sex toy industry, but rather because I had a rough morning and needed a good LOL. This article definitely worked.
As the guy I’m seeing continuously reminds me, I’m no sex savant, but after reading a few articles on this ridiculous publication that somehow still exists, I have to say, neither are Cosmo’s writers. I didn’t read the story with the intention of picking apart every little thing because I just don’t have that kind of time, but before I get into it, I would just like to destroy the title real quick. There is never a need to make your own sex toys or vibrators. If you’re traveling and forgot to pack one, an electric toothbrush is not the answer. I read this article with no intention of trying out any of these, but after reading the very persuasive dek (“These sex positions you can—and should—do RTFN.”), I decided they were right: I should do one of these right the f*ck now!
So I did number one and it was horrible. In other news, the pope is Catholic. I first read this “tip” in our article on terrible sex advice when you’re home for the holidays, and decided I had to try this out for myself to try to figure out what kind of deranged person would think this was a good idea. Here is what Cosmo wanted me and this poor guy who didn’t know what he was getting himself into to do:
If you are staying at someone’s house over the holidays and need to avoid certain seminal evidence, make the easiest masturbator ever by filling a plastic sandwich bag with lube. Put a sock around it for a better grip and stroke up and down your partner’s penis while they rub you. Afterward, seal it up then hide the living hell out of that baggie.
First of all, I’m starting a petition to have the phrase “seminal evidence” deleted from the English language. Secondly, isn’t the “easiest masturbator ever,” like, your hand? Third, and perhaps most important, this is just jerking someone off with a lot of unnecessary equipment, and it doesn’t seem like I get anything out of it. If all he has to do is touch my clit using what he normally uses (his hand), why do I need a makeshift condom and a f*cking sock to get him off?
Lastly, if he’s finishing in the sandwich bag (which I’m instructed to hide instead of throw away????), are we not having sex after? This weird rubbing is the whole show? Honestly, not that I ever think about this, but if I did, I imagine this is how Pete Buttigieg prefers to be jacked off. It’s so weird and too sterile to be enjoyed by anyone else.
Anyway, for the sake of journalism, I put my woes aside and spent the money I was planning on using for dinner on $27 lube and plastic baggies. Here we go, folks.
To set the scene, he was laying on his back propped up against all 72 of my pillows and I was sitting on my knees facing him. I know this sounds really awkward, and, don’t worry, it sure was, but this was the only way to do it without getting lube everywhere, which would have been decidedly more uncomfortable. Now, I was off to an awkward start because I haven’t actually given a hand job since high school, I think, and kind of forgot what to do. He was laying there looking like he’d rather claw his own throat out than let me put his dick in a lube-filled baggie, but because he’s an angel, I guess, he let me get a few strokes in before we officially agreed this was f*cking awful.
Honestly, this wouldn’t have been so bad if I could have muted the baggie, which sounded like unwrapping one of those butterscotch candies at your grandma’s house. My guy didn’t seem to mind the crinkly sound, but I did, so I tried to cover it up by rambling complete nonsense. Turns out that kinda kills the mood!
As far as the the sock, we didn’t use one because we didn’t see the point unless we were using a barre sock with grips on the bottom. Wouldn’t a very smooth sock against a very smooth baggie make you lose your grip as opposed to making it better?
Anyway, even though I sincerely tried to make this a good experience for him, there was something violently unappealing about stroking someone’s dick that’s both drenched in lube and wrapped in a f*cking ziploc bag that made me want to call the whole thing off. For the record, he didn’t hate it as much as I thought he would, but I just couldn’t get past the fact that there was a plastic bag between my hand and his dick.
As for the rubbing me part, there were approximately zero angles to even try this without lube getting everywhere. So after what felt like 800 years, we finally called it. Even though he was the only one getting ~pleasure~ out of this, I still wanted to thank him for agreeing to let me
ruin sex for him drain our dignity together, so I gave him a blowjob, which, if you can believe it, is even better than a baggie for disposing of “seminal evidence.” Should I become a sex writer?
If I don’t win a Pulitzer for journalism after this, I quit. I did learn one valuable lesson, though, and that is: lube is low-key an important substance to have handy. Just for sh*ts and gigs the next morning, we put some of this on before sex and it was quite possibly the best sex I’ve ever had. He also definitely enjoyed me putting it on beforehand (probably because no baggies were involved), so maybe Cosmo should write about that instead of instructing women to suck on a f*cking ice cube seconds before going down on someone? Just a thought.
Images: Yifan Zhang / Unsplash; Giphy (2)
Hot take: masturbation isn’t rocket science. You don’t even need to orgasm to have an awesome solo sex sesh. But upping your game ain’t easy when the internet is full of stupid recommendations and masturbation myths that literally nobody asked for (me, I’m nobody). Let’s break down five of the worst masturbation tips that leading publications (that I won’t name because I don’t want to be blacklisted in the industry I work in) need to stop suggesting, along with a better alternative for each tip.
1. Clean Your Room First
You’ll have sex in a random f*ckboy’s car with McDonald’s cups and greasy napkins in the cupholders after you met him at the bar, but you need a clean room to masturbate? Lmao. “They” say doing this will help to promote a clearer headspace so you can just focus on your masturbation, but if your messy room is distracting you that badly, then it sounds like you need to reevaluate your cleanliness habits. Clean rooms are nice and all (probably, I wouldn’t know), but I promise you won’t feel too bad touching yourself next to the laundry you really should have put away a week ago.
Try instead: Take a hot shower, light some candles, read some erotica, and/or put on sexy songs to get yourself in the mood.
2. Watch Yourself
I don’t know about you, but I definitely don’t want to look at myself making ugly O faces when I masturbate, because then every time I hook up with someone I’m going to worry about whether or not I’m making the same ugly O face. I’ve had sex in front of mirrors before. It is not hot. TBH, it’s distracting and depressing. I mean, if your kink is getting off by watching yourself get off, then, by all means, do your thing. But you’re not gonna catch me rubbing one out in my mirror in an effort to get more turned on. I’ll be under the covers in the dark abyss of my bed where no one can see me.
Try instead: Close your eyes and focus on the pleasure you’re experiencing. Pay attention to what feels good, and let yourself make whatever faces and movements you’re going to make in the process without worrying about what they look like.
3. Stick A Finger In Your Ass At The Same Time
Some folks are into anal play, and that’s cool. If you only want anal stimulation when you masturbate, then go right ahead. But trying to finger your ass while your other hand stimulates your clit or penetrates your vagina at the same time probably won’t work too well. Sounds a lot like patting your head and rubbing your stomach, no? IDK, seems a little difficult. I’m not that talented or skilled at multitasking.
Try instead: Use a butt plug so you can score that added anal stimulation which, yes, can maximize your pleasure while focusing your energy on touching your clit, vagina, breasts, or other hot spots.
4. Don’t Jackhammer Your Clit
Um, DUH? When was the last time you were having sex and thought to yourself, “wow, I really like how this penis/dildo/hand is absolutely smashing against my very sensitive clit!” Probably never. We hate when our partners do this to us, so why the hell would we do it to ourselves? This is basic common sense.
Try instead: Do more of what you wish your partner was doing to your clit when you’re hooking up and less of what you wish they weren’t—whatever that means to you. Play around with different techniques, motions, pressures, speeds, and toys until you figure out what feels best.
5. Stand Or Squat
No and no. I don’t even do squats at the gym, so what makes you think I want to squat when I masturbate? I also don’t want to stand any more than I already have to throughout the day because #tired. Masturbation requires a little bit of effort and work. Let’s agree not to make this any harder than it already has to be.
Try instead: Kick back, relax, and enjoy. Grind your hips and thrust your pelvis into your hands, toys, or pillows, or switch up positions by laying on your stomach rather than on your back.
From one researcher and pleasure-seeker to another, I want all of us to have the best sex lives possible. Before you @ me and say “hey, if you hate these sex tips so much then why don’t you make your own roundup of tips instead of bashing others,” allow me to save you from wasting your precious time and energy! Go read my articles about the best sex toys to use with your partner, low-key ways to introduce kinks into the bedroom, and other orgasm myths we need to debunk with insights from sexperts and professionals.
The right tips are out there—you just gotta do some digging to find ‘em. Feel free to share your own pro tips in the comments below and save us all from the chaos that is the internet. Whatever you do, please don’t feel like you need to be an overachiever and do flips, tricks, squats, or shove things inside of you in order to have a successful masturbation sesh.
Images: Kristina Petrick / Unsplash; GIPHY (5)
Ever since I was old enough to subscribe to women’s magazines, I have had mixed feelings about them. While I am a believer in self-improvement, the barrage of articles telling me I should change or improve some aspect of myself made me feel inadequate. Never was this feeling more acute than after reading the sex tips offered by these magazines. I thought I was doing just fine in this area and had never received a bad review, but if these magazines were to be believed, I would need to stand on my head and breathe through my nose while blindfolded in order to really impress in the bedroom. I’m all for keeping things exciting, especially in the context of a long-term relationship, but I just don’t see the same dogged dedication to pleasing your partner covered in men’s magazines. So I have taken it upon myself to do the lord’s work and outline some things that men need to stop doing in bed. Feel free to share with the f*ckboy loving partner in your life.
1. Foregoing Foreplay
According to sex expert and OG betch Dr. Ruth, “It’s particularly important for women to have successful foreplay because it takes a woman a longer time to get up to the level of arousal needed to orgasm.” While this shouldn’t be news to anyone in 2019, my past experiences and those of my friends sadly prove otherwise. I’d be remiss if I didn’t mention a specific subcategory of offenders here: men who refuse to go down on women. These creatures need to be canceled immediately, no questions asked. Be sure to throw the whole man away if he tries to make you feel like there is something wrong with your vagina. Assuming you’re showering regularly and not suffering from an infection in that area, the problem is him and not you. Any loser that tells you differently needs to be deleted from your phone. If you are one of the unicorn women who don’t need foreplay, that’s awesome (and who are you?), but like dessert at a restaurant, it should always be offered.
2. Mimicking Porn
Now that porn is more accessible than ever before, it has served as the basis for the sexual education of most men of our generation. While porn can be fun and useful when you need some new ideas, the depiction of the sex itself is rarely realistic. As we established in item 1, the vast majority of women don’t just come the second a man sticks his unlubed dick inside. And they definitely will not get off if their partner proceeds to pound away at them like a deranged chef making his finest chicken paillard. It’s difficult enough to have an orgasm in missionary; it’s downright impossible when the person on top of you is attempting to set some kind of record for most thrusts in a minute. Under no circumstances is the jack rabbit acceptable. Just. No.
3. Naming The Vagina
I’m not talking about words like “pussy” that, however you personally feel about them, have become part of the lexicon and would be unsurprising to hear in bed. I am referring to words that are a bit more out of the box (pun totally intended). To provide an example, I once had a guy ask me mid-hookup about my “na na.” After quickly remembering that I don’t call my grandma by that name, nor had this man ever met her, I realized, to my abject horror, that he was talking about my vagina. It was at that point that I went home and proceeded to never text him again. Not only was this extremely creepy, he completely ruined Trey Songz’s “Na Na” for me eternally, which is just unforgivable. When it comes to naming the nether regions, the motto is simple: when in doubt, don’t try it out. Dirty talk is great, but keep the nicknames to yourself.
4. Using A Cliche Sex Playlist
Personally, having sex to music isn’t my jam (though bad puns most certainly are). This might be the case because every guy I dated who was into doing this was a complete and utter tool, but I digress. I think incorporating music can be a fun way to shake things up, but if both people aren’t into it, it’s a recipe for awkwardness, especially if said playlist is a bit too on the nose. You already know what you’re doing, you don’t need the music to narrate the moment like some washed-up DJ trying to pump up the crowd at a third-rate bar mitzvah. Ginuwine’s “Pony” and Boyz II Men’s “I’ll Make Love to You” have no business on a sex playlist, and any guy that thinks otherwise is probably a virgin, or should be.
5. Entering The Backdoor Without Permission
Engaging in anal sex or any other activity involving the butt is a polarizing topic. There are some who love this kind of action, and others who want nothing to do with it. Regardless of where you fall on the spectrum, I think we can all agree that no great love story ever began with a sneak attack on an unsuspecting butthole. At best, you are in for some major discomfort, and, at worst, a literal sh*tshow. I recently heard a story about a girl who ended up with an actual hemorrhoid because some douchelord thought it was okay to bite her ass without so much as a warning. I wonder how adventurous he’d be feeling if he were on the receiving end of such a love bite.
I could go one for hours about obnoxious things guys do in the bedroom, but these five are definitely some of the most common and egregious. Any sexual relationship is always better if you can be open and honest about what you want, so if a dude’s definition of foreplay isn’t cutting it for you, demand better or ditch his ass. What are your biggest sexual pet peeves that I didn’t mention?
Images: Shutterstock; Giphy (5)
Like so many things that are *supposed* to be fun, shower sex is soooo overrated. It’s right up there with sex on the beach. The only people who like these things are people who haven’t actually done them. There are places sand should not go, people. Tons of movies have shower sex scenes that make it look steamy and sexy, but IRL, things just never work out that way. Hollywood, quit trying to sell having sex in a confined box as attractive. Looking at you, Titanic (car sex is also just inconvenient—they obvi cut out the part where Rose got a leg cramp and Jack finished in two minutes). Also, anyone gross enough to join the Mile High Club in a dirty airplane bathroom knows that it’s about saying you did it, not because your 30-seconds of sex was actually enjoyable. Unless of course, you’re Lala Kent with a PJ, then that seems more reasonable. Let’s stop pretending these things are fun. Here are all the reasons why shower sex is probably better left in the movies.
Most showers are not even equipped to handle two people, much less two people…doing things with each other. Where will you stand? How will you stand? Is there a height difference, because if so, you’re f*cked (but probs not going to get f*cked)? Unless the shower is a tub combo, there isn’t even a decent place to shave your legs! How will you balance? Inevitably, you will end up uncomfortable and probably with muscle strain, if not an actual injury.
Accurate depiction of shower sex, including the face of dissatisfaction:
Too Hot Or Cold
I can only be happy in the shower if I’m essentially being boiled alive. I don’t know why. Does it feel like liquid fire? NOT HOT ENOUGH YET. Either way, there is never enough water for both of you, especially if you live in a sh*tty apartment with zero water pressure. One of you will be too hot (not me, ever) and the other will be standing off to the side freezing to death. Fun!
Lube Doesn’t Work
5 in 1 shampoo be like: body wash, shampoo, conditioner, toothpaste and lube
— ??? ??? (@jnudey) April 15, 2019
As my friend put it, somehow “water makes things less wet”. Fact. If your natural lube is washed away, you can’t even effectively add lube without the same problem. Cool, so you’re in an awkward pose, in the cold, and now you’re chafing. Lovely. Nothing like a rug burn on your genitals. Plus, this puts you at risk for sex injuries.
Condoms Are Less Effective
Condoms are more likely to break due to the friction and no lube (see above), or just slip right off. Nothing like ruining sex with the possibility of having a child to ruin your entire life. Oh? You thought shower sex would be fun? Here’s 18 years of money-sucking hell and not being able to leave your home without paying someone to babysit! I should really teach a sex ed class, I think I’d be amazing at it. YOU WILL GET PREGNANT AND DIE.
fell and hit my head in the shower and had to be rescued stark naked by my dad. what did i do in a past life honestly i’m done
— sophie (@sophielmg) April 24, 2019
This comes off the awkward positioning issue. Slippage. Let’s say you find a position that works. What if your foot slides? What if you fall over? Is he trying to hold you up, because that’s probs gonna be a serious injury risk? Let’s say he slips and misses. That, my friends, is how you break a dick. Slipping in the tub/shower kills more people than sharks, *fun fact*, so maybe just have sex on the bed like a normal person, and don’t risk your life while doing it.
Even if you have waterproof makeup on, you’re probably going to somehow be waterboarded in your attempt to make this work. Nothing is more attractive as having makeup running all down your face. This NEVER happens in the movies, but you don’t look cute in the shower, sorry. And you’ll emerge a scary monster and blame yourself for his not being able to perform.
Can’t Actually Shower
Can someone else confirm that girls have 3 types of showers; a “quick body wash”, a “hair and body shower” and then a proper “exfoliate shave, moisturise, hair mask, face mask, singalong” like it just DEPENDS ON THE TIME AND OCCASION
— Gracey O'Connell ⚡️ (@GraceyOConnell) May 16, 2018
Look, I’m in the shower to get clean and clear my thoughts for 20-40 minutes. You would either have to shower before, or kick the other person out to shower afterwards. What’s the point? Like, I need to wash my hair (or wear a shower cap–not cute), deep condition, wash, exfoliate, wash my face, maybe do a face mask, shave, and then moisturize. It is a process. Now I have to schedule time to be dissatisfied AND do all this too? It’s completely pointless, and I have sh*t to do. And any attempt to do these things in a sexy way mostly results in getting shampoo in your eyes, or again, waterboarded.
So, while shower sex looks fun when your favorite movie stars are doing it, it’s just not practical. We’ve probably all tried it once out of sheer curiosity/horniness, but it’s really not worth it. Stick to dry land, and you’ll be both safer and happier.
Images: Shutterstock; Giphy (4); @jnudey, @sophielmg, @graceyoconnell / Twitter