The Most Whack Dating Advice Of 2019

It’s no secret that dating in this day and age is one long waking nightmare challenging. Keeping the faith can be hard when you find yourself being ghosted by yet another f*ckboy whose overconfidence is in direct proportion to his staggering mediocrity. So when you get to the point where you’re looking for outside advice, the hope is that it will be hopeful and/or helpful. Unfortunately, that’s not always the case, and we feel it’s our sworn duty here at Betches to expose the advice that is egregiously awful. Read on for the worst dating advice of 2019.

1. Asinine Astrological Assumptions

I have to start by saying that I love astrology and use my sign to justify the worst parts of my personality many of my decisions. Gotta love Scorpio season! That said, astrology, and especially sun signs, cannot be used to make generalizations about an entire population. But that didn’t stop our friends at Refinery29 from doing exactly that with a piece describing what all Tauruses are like in bed. The article claims that because Tauruses are more in touch with their sense of smell, “if you smell bad, you’re not going to get it on with a Taurus.” Wouldn’t we all agree that smelling good is a prerequisite for… all of us? The article goes on to advise the reader to moisturize, of all things, “because Tauruses might be turned off by dry or leathery skin.” I guess now I can blame the dry (see what I did there?) spell I had for the better part of 2013 on my eczema. Lastly, the reader is urged to cook “a meal…(especially while wearing lingerie).” Okay, so in order to bag a bull I need to wear perfume, moisturize, and cook dinner in my lingerie. In other words, advice I could have gotten from any remotely heterosexual male of any astrological sign. Grool.

2. To Catch A Curator

On the heels of Jennifer Lawrence’s recent marriage to Cooke Maroney, Elle is now advising its readers to date Curators. If you’re wondering WTF that means, a Curator is described as “he kind of guy you can discuss post-humanism with over pizza, who comments on the decor while ordering you a cab but letting you split the bill.” Hot. Personally, this just sounds like a cheaper and slightly more pretentious version of every tool I’ve ever dated. To make matters worse, their “sensitivity” does not save them from their inevitable fate as trash: “A Curator may still ghost you, but it’s probably because he’s doing something legitimately interesting with his time, like scouting in the foothills of the Himalayas.” So it’s okay for a guy to bail on you in the name of “art”? GTFO.

3. Moonlight As Your Crush’s Personal Assistant

When you do come across someone you don’t immediately hate on sight like, it may be difficult to summon the courage to let them know. I don’t profess to be a professional pickup artist, but I’m pretty sure that the following advice from Glamour on how to tell your crush you like them might leave the person on the receiving end wondering if you’re vying for a spot on their payroll:

“5. Notice when their glass is empty, and always offer to fill it up or get them another.

  1. Offer to hold their purse/bag/coat/cup.
  2. Remember what their drink is without having to ask. Order it for them.
  3. Offer to drive them to the airport.
  4. Assume they want coffee and bring them one. Learn how they take it first.”

Don’t get me wrong. Thoughtfulness is next to godliness in my book, but you should not have to go out of your way to do someone’s chores to get them to like you. I legitimately had to check the date this article was published. Surely, the 1950s? Nope, 2019.

4. Link Up On LinkedIn

Cosmo is known for some pretty ridiculous sex and dating advice, and we’ve certainly covered them here before, but this latest nugget of dating wisdom deserves mention. Let’s start with the title: “LinkedIn Is The Best Platform To Slide Back Into Your Ex’s DMs.” As a threshold matter, it’s rarely advisable to reconnect with an ex. If it didn’t work out the first dozen times, attempting to reconnect, regardless of the platform, starts to look like the living embodiment of the definition of insanity. It’s also really transparent. Unless you work in the same industry as your ex and could credibly network with them for a job opportunity, testing the waters with a LinkedIn message when you could just as easily text them with the number you already have is hardly subtle, and frankly, kind of bizarre. If you’re using LinkedIn because, like the author of the article, “you’re probably blocked on everything else,” perhaps you ought to take some time to work on yourself instead of trolling for men on a professional networking platform. Just a thought.

5. Settle Into Settling

If you are lucky enough to find someone you’re serious about, you may have doubts about whether he or she is “the one” and what it means to settle. Earlier this year, Refinery29 published a piece that I hoped would upend the false notion that comfort and security equal “settling” and that one must pursue a relationship that thrives on “butterflies” and insecurity. Instead, the article seems to promote settling for a connection completely devoid of any spark in order to avoid being alone: “I didn’t settle for the first person that came along, but I am so glad that in my 30s I’m not out there looking for someone, going on dates with strangers, and so on.” While your perfect mate may not end up being who you thought they’d be, a baseline level of connection should not be compromised out of fear. A relationship will never be exciting all of the time, but it should always be fulfilling. If the premise of the article is to be believed, we can all give up this dating game altogether and bring blowup dolls with us to dinner. So inspiring!

Advice, however well-intentioned, is usually subjective and not universally applicable. As we’ve seen today, it can sometimes be downright dumb. Do what works for and feels right to you and leave the rest where you found it. Any other gems I missed? Please sound off in the comments!

Images: Hian Oliveira / Unsplash; Giphy (5)

6 Things You Should Never Settle For In A Relationship

Betches have high standards because we are a high standard. Unfortunately this means that finding a relationship can sometimes be tough, especially if we’re not trying to get wifed up immediately but still want to have a date for formal. Recently the princess of Japan had to give up her royal status in order to marry a commoner, and we assume she did it for love and not because she was being blackmailed or whatever. But this brings us to the question of what’s considered settling when you get in a relationship? If you’re a true betch, you’ll never let your heart settle, but here’s what you should and shouldn’t settle on in a relationship.

1. Money

You want to date a rich bro because money can’t buy happiness but it can buy you diamonds, and unlike happiness, diamonds are forever. You can, however, settle when it comes to how much money he makes on certain conditions. He should make at least as much as you do, but if he’s not a six fig earning Wolf of Wall Street, that’s okay. Because you’re going to date a lot of rich bros in your casual dating days, so when it comes to a serious relationship it won’t matter that much. As long as he’s ambitious and has direction about his career, if he’s not making that much (yet), you should still date him. Besides, you’re an independent woman making your own cash, so as long as he puts thought into your Christmas gift, the size of his end of year bonus doesn’t really matter. But if he’s expecting you to go dutch before you hit 6 months, do not settle. He should know the value of long term investment, aka investing in your relationship because you’re a catch.

Wolf Of Wall Street

2. Attraction

This is like when you see a King of Queens couple in real life where the woman is clearly hotter than the dude and you wonder, why TF are they together? As Beyoncé and Jay Z have taught us, though, sometimes it’s not about looks—sometimes it’s about being the most powerful couple in the music industry. You should never settle for how you feel about the guy (or girl, obv) because you can lose everything but you’ll still have that. You might think he’s nice and stable and want to make it work, but if you don’t want to jump his bones every time you think about him, you are going to waste your time. Just look at Melania Trump, do you think it was worth it?

3. Sex

You’ll literally find yourself willing to settle in every other department if the sex is good enough, which is an indication that you should look for everything else when it comes to a relationship before following your pussy. You don’t need great sex for a good relationship, you just need good sex. You can disagree with us, but the truth is the longer you’ve known someone, the better the sex will get. So even if he’s inexperienced, once you hit the “I love you” marker, you’ll realize you’re a lot more into him than when you first started dating. Don’t settle for bad sex, obviously, but if he’s trying and is just a little clueless, help him out. But if he’s selfish in bed and only knows how to jackhammer away at your cervix and doesn’t even ask you if you came afterwards, cut him loose like the hair you only cut two times a year.

Boy Bye

4. Distance

If for some reason your relationship goes long distance, this is a bridge that most people can’t make it across. That doesn’t mean you shouldn’t try, but if you’re going to go for it, he better be fucking Prince Charming. Basically if there’s any question about whether or not you’re going to go to each other’s houses for Thanksgiving this year, you are not going to make it through a long distance relationship. Settle on distance if he’s the best guy you’ve ever met, otherwise you know what they say: There are plenty of mediocre dicks in your city.

5. Personality

So you meet a hot bro with a good job, good background, good everything except for one small thing. He’s boring. He’s like a James Marsden in… every movie James Marsden has been in. If he’s hot and dumb, you’re going to get annoyed with him really fast. But on the other hand, he probably won’t cheat on you because he’s so boring. You can def settle on this, but he has to be actually hot and you can’t be trying to marry him. And then you better get ready to have a lot of girls nights because you’re going to need some better conversation than what he gives you.


6. How They Treat You

This should be a no brainer, but the Kardashians, The Bachelor, and literally every other reality TV show have honestly made us confused. Why TF would you stay with a bro that doesn’t treat you like a queen? Never settle when it comes to how he treats you. He can be a 6’3″ sex god with a private jet, but if he tries to play mind games with you or ever lays a hand on you, you gotta get out of there. Sorry, but there will be no settling when it comes to treating you well. That shit is free, so no excuses.