Hey, Upper East Siders, Gossip Girl here. Just kidding: I’m actually just a millennial who has continued to allow a series about privileged teens define my personality for the last decade. And by “Upper East Siders,” I’m really just calling out to anyone who spends the majority of their paycheck on student loans and Peloton financing, but still maintains that they’re totally a Serena van der Woodsen. On the off chance that your efforts to make your weekly screen time report slightly less horrifying have finally paid off, you may have missed some major news: Gossip Girl is back. But this time, instead of simply serving designer looks and quotes sprinkled with alliteration, the new Gossip Girl is a reminder of our looming mortality. Yes, there’s still fashion and scheming, but make no mistake: These new kids are coming for millennials’ necks.
Gossip Girl has always been savage, but the game has clearly changed this time around. While Blair Waldorf’s punchlines typically targeted out-of-season Tory Burch flats and Tinsley Mortimer, the newest crop of Constance Billard kids are out to get us. I have never felt a gut punch quite like when Luna La declared in the premiere that Zara should be banned east of Lex. Actually, that’s a lie. I legitimately began Googling crow’s feet treatment when I realized Tavi Gevinson—the iconic influencer who came to fame at like, 12, back in the day when we were tuning into the CW to drool over Nate Archibald—was cast as an Old. And honestly, I’m not yet emotionally equipped to discuss the implications of a Gossip Girl that tolerates headband slander.
Manhattan’s elite went from banging out insults on the keyboard of an LG Chocolate to turning their noses up at REVOLVE partnerships, and even with a decade-long head start, millennials can’t compete. I mean, these kids are 17-year-olds drinking dirty martinis at members-only clubs on school nights while you’re hoping a crippling two-day hangover is enough of a distraction to prevent your coworker from realizing you still owe her a Venmo from after splitting a pitcher of frozen peach margaritas and buffalo cauliflower wings at happy hour.
When the original Gossip Girl finale aired, you likely had a dorm room closet full of peplum tops and a dream that someday in the not-too-distant future, you’d be perusing the Chanel flagship store for an outfit to wear in the Hamptons with your bestie that weekend. You probably never envisioned that when you were finally old enough to see the series rebooted, the closest you ever got to becoming Blair Waldorf was that one time you broke 200 likes on a photo of yourself at Ladurée.
If you watched Gossip Girl 2.0 without realizing this harsh reality, I have some bad news: you are not Julien Calloway simply because you force your significant other to pose for content for your Instagram Story. You may think you’re a cool millennial, but you’re most likely wrong. Here’s a quick test: If, in our lord’s year 2021, you still do not know that hashtags don’t really work if you have a private IG account, you have officially aged out of Constance Billard’s ruling class. You are no better than a group of private school teachers who legitimately thought they could go viral with a single tweet from a Twitter account with no followers. (Yes, even if you guffawed at the quip about Olivia Jade gaining followers when Lori Loughlin went to jail. We all should have had Gossip Girl referencing that scandal on our 2021 bingo cards.)
Fortunately, what does not kill you makes you stronger, and I truly believe that the generation that spent months licking our wounds after learning that side parts aren’t cool needs Gossip Girl now more than ever. We can love the series even though it may not love us back, like squeezing a squirming dog that does not want to be cuddled with. Go ahead, pat yourself on the back when a scene in the new series features a song that’s already been on your Spotify playlist for months. I, too, gained a false sense of confidence when I recognized “A Palé” by Rosalia the second it came through the speakers at the Christopher John Rogers fashion show. We all deserve that much. Just don’t forget to stay nimble: have a plan set in place for when these teens inevitably forge a trend that’s simply unsustainable for anyone over the age of 20. Nobody wants to see you roll up to your 9 to 5 with like, shaved eyebrows.
Images: Karolina Wojtasik/HBO Max
One of the things I love most about Gossip Girl is the slew of random characters whose sole purpose is to keep the plot interesting by shaking things up for our favorite four Upper East Siders and two annoying Brooklynites who endlessly complain about their unfortunate financial lot in life from their gigantic loft in one of New York’s most expensive neighborhoods. I digress. Anyway, as with any television show, each season introduces a few new characters, some of whom are truly perfect temporary additions to the cast, like
Fleur Delacour Eva Coupeau, and others are less than perfect, like most of the writers’ choices.
I’m a loyal GG lover, so I typically hold back when it comes to some of the laughable wardrobe choices, but as I rewatch this scripted trash for the ninth time, I can’t bite my tongue about the most egregious part of this show: the randos. Without further ado, I give you the worst and/or most annoying random characters who we all love to hate. Enjoy.
For those of you who forgot who she is, allow me to remind you. She’s the sister of the boarding school teacher-turned-convicted-felon with whom Serena allegedly had an affair when she was 15 and he was…older than 15. Mhmm, makes sense. Anyway, if I had to pick the worst thing about Juliet, it would have to be the way she dresses. Literally, all of her outfits are different yet heinous versions of the same business-professional dress with a cropped blazer over it. Like???? When I was in college, I literally wore jeans and sweaters every goddamn day.
Aside from her sartorial errors. her character is also incredibly creepy. I’m pretty sure the most disturbing exchange in this entire series is one that took place between Juliet and her brother during a prison visit when she says, “Keep your focus on not getting raped or killed” to which he responds, “It’s a minimum security prison” and she counters with, “And you’re hot” and then they seductively hold hands across the table and exchange minxy smiles. I think it’s totally okay to say he’s handsome or attractive because, criminal or not, he is both of those things, but hot? That’s your BROTHER. Why don’t you go take a cold shower, sis! Also, her whole purpose on this show is to, like, physically injure Serena and get her expelled from college, which is pretty shameful. Even Georgina would disapprove of this.
Damien has a lot of unfortunate qualities that earned him a spot on this list, but the one thing I truly couldn’t stand was how condescending he was to Jenny while they were dating. When they were about to have sex, she was really nervous because she was a virgin and he was like, “I get it. I’m older than you and when I date someone, sex is a a big part of the relationship. You’re a young, innocent girl, so I get that you’re nervous.” He was in Serena’s class at boarding school, which would make him no more than two years older than Jenny, so I’m confused as to why he’s talking to her like a World War II veteran who’s seen more than she ever will.
Acting like a cultured citizen of the world was like, his whole persona, which I just found incredibly annoying because he was literally 18 at the time, so no one’s buying it, sweetie.
This is another character whose circumstances really confused me. My knowledge of British monarchy is based solely on The Crown, so forgive me if I’m wrong, but if Catherine were a “lady,” that would mean she’s married to a duke, which we’ve been told she is. So if that’s the case, why would they be summering in the Hamptons and living in a townhouse in Manhattan the rest of the time? Don’t they have royal duties in England to carry out? Don’t forget, this was pre-Meghan Markle.
The second, and slightly bigger, issue with this lady is that she has a title of nobility and yet she’s paying an underage American kid to bang her against her dryer every few days. Two felonies for the price of one! How did this affair even work? Would she text him on her burner cell and be like, “Hey, when you’re done with algebra, can you come over?” Let us not forget, she was also f*cking her stepson. Safe to say, this woman needs therapy.
I know she’s not technically considered random since she’s in every season, but she’s not part of the main six, so to me, she’s a random. Sorry (not really) to all of the Vanessa die-hards, but she plainly sucks. She’s one of those people who feels way too comfortable around people she just met and, maybe it’s just me because I still don’t feel comfortable around people I’ve known my whole life, but that’s not a likable quality. Second, I didn’t like how she was always at private events for schools she didn’t attend! Like, she was at literally every dance, party, and study session of the Constance girls and then at the Columbia alumni events. Seriously, she doesn’t even go here!
Okay, to set the record straight, I hated the fake Charlie Rhodes (Ivy Dickens), but lived for the real Lola Rhodes. I know this isn’t a character flaw, but there was something about her voice that made it really hard to get on board with anything she was talking about, and her pretending to have a mental illness to explain her behavior wasn’t cool.
I know she was an actress being paid by the real Lola Rhodes’ mom to pretend to be her (happens all the time), but couldn’t Ivy have just, like, gotten another acting job that didn’t involve fraud? I can’t imagine being so desperate for a job that I’d hear Carol’s pitch and think it was a good idea.
Sorry, but Tripp and his waspy-ass name was a giant p*ssy. Like, literally everything about him was so pathetic and sad—especially when he crashed his car and put Serena in the driver’s seat to make it seem like it was her fault. Why do all of these people in positions of power take no more than two seconds to consider whether or not they want to commit a crime? I take more time deciding between two identical pale pink nail polishes than Tripp did to pin a car crash on his mistress. I also feel like Nate’s fancy politico cousin should have been 10 times hotter than Tripp, who looks like he calls his mom four times a day. I definitely wouldn’t have voted for him.
Hands down Serena’s least likable boy toy. His skinny scarves and confusing haircut were enough for me to decide he sucks, but then he opened his mouth and…it didn’t help his cause. Like Damien with Jenny, Aaron acts like Serena is just a young and stupid child who doesn’t understand the complexities of adulthood, which is hilarious to me because Blake Lively was 22 playing a 17-year-old, but whatever. Anyway, even if that is the case, you are fully aware that she’s in high school, so stop acting like her being young is a flaw you have to get past! He should be more concerned with the statutory rape he’s committing.
Also, his whole “I date multiple women at once” thing is just gross. I understand that you can’t expect monogamy after knowing each other for approximately five minutes, but Aaron, you don’t need to constantly remind her that you’re f*cking 10 other women at the moment. All in all, he was not hot enough to act that smug and condescending, and I was truly elated when Serena told
us Dan that she left in him in Argentina.
And there you have it, the worst random characters in Gossip Girl! Did I leave any out? Let me know who you hated the most in the comments! Until next time, Upper East Siders. XOXO, Gossip Girl.
Images: Giphy (8)
Hey there Upper East Siders, long time, no gossip.
With coronavirus ruining all of my springtime plans, I’ve officially reached my limit on self-entertainment. A girl can only buy so many new bags and eat so much caviar in one day, especially when my private pilot refuses to fly me to France. People are just so rude these days. Anyway, in order to get myself through this depressing time, I’m turning to Manhattan’s elite because if anyone’s wreaking havoc during this quarantine, it’s going to be them. Being hot and wealthy is just so predictable. Still, what our favorites lack in originality, they make up for in scandal, and for that, I’m ever so thankful.
While being quarantined has ruined my social life, my waistline, and my overall wellbeing, there has been one perk: I’ve had plenty of time to come out of retirement and dig into what Serena, Blair, Chuck, and Nate are up to, as well as a few of their wannabes. No, they’re not the top four, but honestly, I’m so bored, I even care what Ivy is doing atm. Desperate times, kiddies.
So, how *are* the charmed students, families, and alumni of Constance and St. Jude’s faring? With endless money, time, and resources, you can bet they’re getting into all kinds of trouble and I, for one, couldn’t be happier. Buckle up, it’s going to be a dramatic reunion.
Queen Bee has made it her sole mission to find the cure to coronavirus which will, obviously, land her a spot in Yale’s upcoming graduate class. Looks like our girl can’t take the hint that Yale blue doesn’t compliment her complexion. Still, something as simple as not being invited has never stopped her before. While utilizing Chuck’s world resources to pull from the best minds around, Blair is running around NYC with Dorota in tow, yelling at anyone who is outside while, you know, being outside herself.
When B isn’t breathing down Nelly Yuki’s neck asking for cure updates or making Penelope go to her favorite restaurants and insist the chefs cook her favorite dishes (despite closing their doors), she’s not social distancing with Chuck, whenever he actually texts her back and leaves his speakeasy, that is. Some things never change.
Serena van der Woodsen
While Serena had the best intentions to stay home and not brush her hair, one glance from a hot guy walking past her apartment lobby and all thoughts of social distancing immediately went to sh*t. Talk about predictable, S. Afraid everyone would judge her (and rightfully so), she didn’t tell anyone where she was going or who she was going with, but from the looks of her Instagram, she’s somewhere sunny and acting all kinds of scandalous. I hope wherever Lonely Boy is hiding out, he doesn’t have wifi…
Speaking of Lonely Boy… on one hand, Dan wants to do something to help society, he really does. But on the other hand, he’s also pretty busy judging other people for not doing enough to help. He’s left about a million messages on Serena’s phone and won’t stop telling Jenny off for leaving the loft (even though let’s be real, one text from S will have Lonely Boy running).
Despite knowing who started the entire coronavirus pandemic, Dan’s going to do nothing to save the world and will use this information to further move his writing career forward. Aren’t two books and a whole bunch of ruined relationships enough? Hopefully this time he’ll impress Serena enough. Just don’t ask what she was doing while she’s been away. Actually, do. I could use a good lover’s spat right about now.
Few things ruffle Nate’s pretty little feathers, and a quarantine definitely isn’t going to cause him any grief. His wake and bake schedule has been pretty uninterrupted, and it wasn’t until a few days ago that he learned he wasn’t actually supposed to go outside. His string of just-barely-legal hookups keep him busy, because let’s be real, he’s sleeping with the generation that DGAF about staying inside. At least it’s not a mom or a married woman this time, right Nate?
While bars and restaurants have closed down, Chuck’s speakeasy is absolutely flourishing in this time of quarantine. Illegally, of course. Nothing makes people thirsty quite like a pandemic. Charging $1,000 per head just to get in, his bar is the place where people who have no morals, self-control, or empathy go to get some of the most expensive lap dances in NYC. Wonder what B thinks of this endeavor? Keeping him busy and happy might be the only way to ensure he doesn’t dump her, gaslight her, or whore her out in a business deal. Again. Might be time to just cut the cord, B. Everyone knows that mother chucker isn’t best for you in the long-run.
After designing a line of chic hazmat suits, it seems Jenny is the pariah of the fashion industry. Didn’t you know? Only those born wealthy get to be insensitive, J. Blair has officially declared war, Jenny’s job at Waldorf Designs is on the brink, and she’s threatening to leave New York, again. The crazy part? Her looks are actually low-key cute, but since she’s already been blacklisted by Blair, there’s not much any of us can do. Poor Little J.
After about 1 day inside, Georgina was starting to feel too much like “a stay-at-home mom,” so she donned a blonde wig and is running around Manhattan impersonating Serena. From coughing on elderly people to buying out all of the vegan baby food in the city to sell at a premium and attempting to entrap Dan in some sort of sexual tryst at Chuck’s club, she’s taking no prisoners and leaving no chaotic stone unturned. I’m calling an SOS for anyone who gets in her way.
Luckily, Lonely Boy is most likely too busy being a pretentious prick to fall for her schemes. Still, I have a feeling that’s not going to stop G from trying.
It should come as absolutely no shock that Rufus is spending the quarantine forcing waffles and stories of his touring days down everyone in the loft’s throats. It’s gotten to the point that Jenny, Dan, and Lily have all risked virus exposure to get away from him and his comfort carbs. Ugh. Brooklynites.
Who? Just kidding. While she might seem totally irrelevant, Vanessa is using this time to really work on herself and her filmmaking. Sure, she’s nowhere near the Upper East Side because everyone hates her, but maybe once society is running again and she wins some sort of indie film award, Dan will finally love her more than Serena. Good luck!
Eric van der Woodsen
All this extra time spent at home with Lily has given Eric ample opportunity to grow some more janky facial hair and frost his tips. What else is he doing? No one cares, but you can bet it involves a semi-attractive guy and lots of judgment from his mother.
Lily van der Woodsen
After leaving her (ex?) husband/lover in the loft, Lily has returned to her apartment on the Upper East Side and is planning on hosting a coronavirus charity function to raise money for the cause. I mean, sure, getting a whole bunch of rich bitches together to drink champagne and potentially expose each other and the caterers isn’t ideal, but that hasn’t stopped her yet. (Amazingly, neither has the CDC.)
Each guest will be given a gift bag with Louis Vuitton embossed toilet paper, and Lily will spend the event lying to her guests saying that Serena is volunteering in Europe to help those in need. This is one party I’m absolutely RSVPing to.
Aw! Ivy! How we haven’t missed you. In an effort to “get back in with the gang,” Ivy has given herself over to Blair’s cause. She’s willingly been infected with coronavirus so the Waldorf-Bass team can study her. No one’s too worried about the long-term effects of just injecting her with a whole bunch of sh*t, and honestly, Ivy’s cool with it because this way she can at least feel something.
Even in the middle of a worldwide crisis, Penelope is too busy brown-nosing Blair to do anything of real value. Better luck next pandemic, P.
Dorota’s “free time” is spent trailing after Blair, trying to avoid infecting her family even though she’s hasn’t even been remotely practicing social distancing, and drinking lots of vodka. Sure, she’s maybe developed a slight drinking problem while under quarantine (the fact that Blair isn’t letting her self-quarantine probably has something to do with it) but honestly, haven’t we all?
As much as Blair doesn’t want to utilize Nelly (and as much as Nelly doesn’t want to help Blair), the two have teamed up to cure coronavirus. Nelly is the head researcher on the Waldorf-Bass team, and while she’s doing it to like, help people, she’s also hoping this will finally make Dan notice her. For a guy who has a serious chip on his shoulder, he sure does have a lot of girls chasing after him. Still, with Blair and Nelly working together (and Chuck footing the bill), we might actually have a shot of beating this thing. Guess brains, money, and power really might save the world. Go get ’em, B.
Is Bart really dead? Was he behind the global pandemic? Did he bring the virus over to get back at Lily for leaving him and is hoping to cause an economic crisis to then poach the stock market? That’s a secret I’ll never tell. Xoxo.
Images: Giphy (16)
Like many millennials with jobs, my beauty look is pretty consistent day-to-day, but that doesn’t mean I don’t have 82 tinted moisturizers, 41 mascaras, and about a million different facial mists. I like to mix it up, what can I say? If you, too, are an out-and-proud beauty junkie, welcome. It is my personal belief that the best time to buy beauty products is around Thanksgiving, because not only is everything cheap af, but everything is sold in sets. Yes. Please. Give me a million eyeshadows that have just slightly different undertones. Honestly, I love this holiday so much because we spend the whole day being grateful for all of the sh*t we have, but only until midnight when we’ll fight each other to the f*cking death at Target to get that 30% off KitchenAid mixer. #America, right? So if you fully embrace this holiday as a day of gluttony, scoop up these beauty deals before your friends do.
Obviously, I have to start with the DSW of beauty because it just has so much stuff to basically give away this holiday season. Because they have about a thousand different sales going on during Thanksgiving weekend, I’m just going to name the few brands I’d personally recommend. Let’s start with 25% off Macadamia Professional hair masques. If you’ve ever been in a drugstore, you’ve seen this brand’s hair products. I have been using the Deep Repair Masque since high school, and it’s never disappointed me. It’s meant for people with damaged hair, but as a bitch with proudly virgin hair (hold applause), I love it because it takes my hair to the next level in softness. If you think delayed gratification is stupid, you’ll love this masque because you’ll feel its effects immediately.
Macadamia Professional Nourishing Repair Masque
Next is the BECCA Volcano Goddess Eyeshadow Palette, which is 40% off, aka it’s $27, aka it’s free. Honestly, I don’t really wear eyeshadow because I don’t know how to put it on without looking like a toddler in drag, but the colors in this palette are pretty wearable. So if you stan an eyeshadow moment, this palette is for you.
BECCA Volcano Goddess Eyeshadow Palette
And lastly, Ulta is offering 25% off a Chi 1-inch Ceramic Hairstyling Iron. I don’t have the time or the skills to give myself Serena-van-der-Woodsen-circa-season-one waves, so I don’t even try. However, every now and then after sleeping on wet hair for no reason at all, I wake up with a really unfortunate situation on my head, and this little hero can fix it within 10 minutes. I don’t usually curl my whole head, but a few chunks of hair throughout gives me that tousled look that I’m really feeling these days. I know what you’re thinking: wtf are you talking about, this is a hair straightener? To you, I say the most natural-looking waves come from flat irons! Twist your hair around the iron and gently pull the iron down the twist. I’m telling you, it’s never failed me.
Chi Original 1” Ceramic Hairstyling Iron
Not going to lie, I discovered Glow Recipe at Urban Outfitters, and have been obsessed ever since. The relatively new brand is offering 20% off every single product on their website, so if you haven’t already added a slew of skin care to your cart, you’re behind, girl. Anyway, if you are the kind of person who can be seduced into buying something simply because the packaging is irresistible, get ready to purchase literally every damn Glow Recipe product. I have the Watermelon Glow Sleeping Mask and am truly obsessed—mostly because it serves as a skin savior and decor on my dresser. Cute appearance aside, the mask itself is actually really good. It’s really moisturizing, but has a gel-like quality to it, so it doesn’t leave you feeling greasy and oily when you wake up. That ain’t cute.
Glow Recipe Watermelon Glow Sleeping Mask
This Japanese skin care brand is in pretty much every natural or ethical beauty store in the world and from November 28 through December, you can “play for a chance to get either 20% off your $100 purchase, 15% off your $75 purchase, or two free gifts with orders of $50 or more.” All of their products are cute and purple, but one of their products is truly better than the rest. I’m talking about the Luminous Dewy Skin Mist. Before you judge me for spending more than I’d like to admit on what you’d call water, hear me out. It’s made with botanical oils and humectants, which are responsible for the dew, and tbh it smells so damn good that I literally smile when I spray it, and I don’t even smile at puppies walking by.
Tatcha Luminous Dewy Skin Mist
Also, I recently learned that your moisturizer absorbs way better when your skin is moist (get over it) than when it’s bone dry. Think about it this way: your skin is like a sponge, and sponges don’t work until they’re damp, right? Another cult favorite from this brand is the Dewy Skin Cream, which I haven’t had the pleasure of trying because I am low on funds, but maybe I’ll hit the jackpot on their annoying Thanksgiving game and be able to afford it!
Get ready for the most niche Black Friday sale literally ever: Get 25% off your order and receive a free Exotique Diamond Eye Gloss in “Galaxy” when you spend $75 on November 29. Like, really? Only on November 29? Honestly, I’m sure I’ll get an email on November 30 that says, “We’re so nice and extending our sale!” The only reason I’m down for this annoyingly specific sale is because I’m so in love with my Neo Blush and feel like she needs friends. I’ve been dying to try the Sensual Skin Enhancer Concealer because it’s a really thick cream (as opposed to a solid, like most concealers are) and comes in a cute little pot. Also, I feel like if I have this, I could just dab it where I need it (because it’s thicc af and does its job) and not have to wear foundation or tinted moisturizer.
Kevyn Aucoin Neo Blush
Stila is offering 35% off site-wide plus free shipping on all orders of $50 or more from November 29 through December 1 with the promo code BF35. I own one product from Stila that has truly defined my going out look to a T, and it is the Stay All Day Waterproof Liquid Eye Liner. Executing the perfect cat eye is hard, but Stila’s liner is actually really easy to use because it’s just a long tapered pen. So all you have to do is angle it as you draw, so the line gets thinner, and that’s pretty much it. Easy peazy. Anyway, Stila also has a pretty legit price point for a mid-level brand, so I fully support this sale. Another product I had and loved until I broke it by accident was the Aqua Glow Serum Foundation, because it was pretty full coverage but had the consistency of water, so it didn’t feel heavy or caked.
Stila Stay All Day Waterproof Liquid Eyeliner
I am more in love with my six-year-old Buttercup hair dryer than I am with the guy I’m seeing. Seriously. I have a lot of thick hair, so making sure it dries without going rogue is very important to me, and that’s why I have the Drybar one, the famous Josh Harry one, and, don’t judge me, the Dyson Supersonic. Drybar is shining down on thee and giving you 20% off all products, tools, and kits from November 21 through December 1. The Buttercup was the cheapest and oldest of the three I have, but it’s my OG and I use it every damn day. It weighs like, a pound, is pretty quiet, and does an excellent job. Generally, expensive hair dryers are better than drugstore ones because they use more power than they do heat, so they are less damaging to your hair. Cheaper hairdryers work in the opposite way, using more heat than watts, so you’re essentially frying your hair for longer. I also have the Drybar heat protectant, which smells so good that I leave it on my hands for as long as I can before the New York City subway system forces me to wash them. Luckily, the smell lingers in my hair for the entire day. By the way, Harry Josh is also having a Dermstore sale for 30% all of his products with the promo code DSGIFT from November 28 through December 2. His hair dryer is def cuter than the Buttercup, so if that matters to you, you can get it for a little less this holiday season!
Drybar Buttercup Blow-Dryer
L’Occitane (pronounced “lox- ee- tahn”—you’re welcome) is giving us 20% off all full-size items with promo code CYBER from December 1 through 4, because they know no one is dragging their hungover asses to a store to buy their favorite hand cream. Speaking of which, I didn’t realize this brand sold anything besides hand cream until my grandmother gave me a beautifully packaged perfume (technically an eau de toilette) that smells so good that I spray it on my pillow before I go to sleep. It’s the Verbena scent, which is generally pretty clean with a hint of green tea. No complaints.
L’Occitane Verbena Eau de Toilette
Images: Ulta; Glow Recipe; Tatcha; Kevyn Acoin; Stila; Drybar’ L’Occitane; Eco Warrior Princess / Unsplash
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People who are way too vocal about how a TV show or movie is nothing like the novels they’re based on are the absolute woooooooorst. And in case you haven’t noticed, I am the absolute woooooooorst, especially when it comes to my taste in TV shows, according to our comment section. Gotta be honest, I watched only binge watched Gossip Girl once, and once was all I needed. However, I work at Betches, so I’ve seen enough content to act like I’ve seen the show a thousand times. I used to read the books religiously when I was in middle school, so I’m expert here (kind of) on the differences between the books and the show. So I can say with confidence that some of the changes Josh Schwartz made to 11-year-old Millie’s beloved Gossip Girl franchise suck more than when he killed off Marissa on The O.C. or brought on Taylor and Oliver. Here’s the lowdown on the worst of the worst amendments made to the Gossip Girl TV show.
Almost Everything About Chuck
The only similarities between book Chuck and TV show Chuck are that he’s super loaded, he was involved with Blair, and I cannot believe he’s in high school. Both of those Chucks never had to worry about typical high school things like grades or getting random boners during class (feel like Nate in both settings would have to worry about the latter, though). But first off: Chuck in the novels barely dated Blair, and it happened for only a year when they were in Oxford together. He did assault Jenny in the novel and the show, and shame on CW for being so forgiving and romanticizing him after that. (Maybe Ed Westwick is hoping he’ll get the same treatment TV Chuck Bass did after getting #MeToo’d, and that’s probably gonna happen to because he’s a privileged white male.)
In the novel, people really didn’t like him to begin with and he was only allowed in the social scene because he’s rich. But as the series went on, it was alluded to that Chuck was bisexual. Chuck also got rejected from every college because his parents didn’t love him enough to participate in Operation Varsity Blues. He was forced to go to military school by his dad, but he never showed face to orientation or classes. Overall, the biggest difference between novel Chuck and TV Chuck is that TV Chuck was portraying as a brooding, smoldering dude, whereas novel Chuck was just an asshole with little to no redeeming qualities. I cannot tell you how many times I’ve seen girls post sappy photos of Chuck and Blair on social media, saying, “I want a Chuck to my Blair!” No! Why are we romanticizing TV Chuck? He’s totally the type of guy to ask for nudes before you go on a date or texting “making it move” in response to something that wasn’t remotely sexual. Being the friendless, rudderless guy with no real friends is what Chuck deserves, and I’m glad the novel put him in his place (until his random romance with Blair).
Everything About Jenny
TV show Jenny is blonde, lithe, and eventually, very edgy. Novel Jenny was really short, had brown curly hair, and had really big boobs. Book Jenny had a one-sided fling with Nate where she made googley eyes at everything about him and he just made googley eyes at her huge rack. They hooked up with him in Central Park and someone filmed it. The relationship ended because Nate is SUCH a boy. Ugh, typical. After getting expelled from Constance for partying, Novel Jenny eventually went off to boarding school, where she went from underdog to being pretty popular (and inspiring a v good spin-off book series, The It Girl).
TV show Jenny, meanwhile, bitched out and left because Blair banned her from Manhattan. As I get older and older, this city seems to get smaller and smaller, and I bump into random people I know at least three times a week. So yeah, I’d wanna ban someone I hate from this city too because I don’t want to see their face. But WTF kind of prick has the audacity to ban someone from a city? Are you the police? No? Then you can’t tell me where to live. And furthermore, what kind of loser is like, “K, I’ll leave because you, some person who has no power over how I live my life, say so”? That’s such a weak exit on the writers’ end for one of the only characters I actually liked. The books did Jenny way more justice by showing us her downward spiral riddled with illicit drugs and rockstars, only to be expelled and sent off to boarding school.
Everything About Dan
The worst change that was made to Dan is that he was Gossip Girl the entire time. And then what’s up with the writers being like, “Okay, the characters can be miffed but Dan is welcomed with open arms five minutes later.” That sh*t doesn’t make sense. His relationships on the show were almost as terrible as him running a blog so stalkerish it would put Joe Goldberg from You to shame. Serena and Dan dated very briefly in the books, but broke up when they realized their relationship has zero depth. In the TV series, they break up a bunch but end up getting married in spite of their entire relationship consisting of gossiping about drama, creating drama themselves, and having extended eye contact as music swells in the background. That kind of relationship ultimately has no depth either, but was way more torturous to be drawn out for years. Novel Blair and novel Dan hate each other or don’t even acknowledge each other the entire time. TV Dan and Blair hated each other initially but ended up having like, the healthiest relationship on the show. Why didn’t they end up together again? Novel Dan’s biggest relationship was his on-again-off-again relationship with his bestie Vanessa (who shaved her head bald in that world). In the TV show, he just dates Vanessa very briefly after a threesome with Lizzie McGuire and they decide they’re better off as friends.
TL;DR Everything about Dan sucked in the series because it just made him have as much depth as a martini glass. Novel Dan at least had redeeming qualities and—get this—had some character development.
The Blair-Serena-Nate Love Triangle
The TV series just made it seemed like Nate was riding a merry-go-round of hookups and high school romances with zero depth. He did date Serena and Blair, but neither of those relationships were as profound as the girls’ other relationships. They didn’t even give him a happy ending by giving him a soulmate, which is honestly the most realistic part of the show because literally 95% of 30-something-year-old NYC guys don’t find someone they’re going to spend the rest of their lives with. Shout-out to Josh Schwartz for being realistic for one time in any of his TV shows!
But novel Nate actually did volley between Serena and Blair throughout the entire book series because he was in love with both of them, and had a couple of hookups in between. He didn’t want to get in the way of their friendship and so he sailed around the world with a family friend. Again, this is totally realistic because guys will do anything to avoid confrontation and dealing with their issues. So, in both different instances, he’s a typical boy, but his love triangle with Blair and Serena was way better than Blair and Serena having sh*tty relationships with Chuck and Dan. I was more emotionally invested in the love triangle because they all genuinely seemed to love each other, and it was hard to see how that relationship would’ve worked itself out, which makes it juicier.
Images: Giphy (4)
Everyone can agree that Gossip Girl is a show iconic for its fashion. From Serena’s sensual menswear looks to Blair’s classic plaid pieces and extravagant bows, each character has their own distinct personal style. Even lowly Joe—I mean, Dan Humphrey—has a very defined struggling-writer-hipster-wannabe-from-Brooklyn style of his own. However, even the greatest scripted show on television, with all its flawless fashion looks, couldn’t get it right every time. With rumors of a potential Gossip Girl reboot picking up steam (fingers crossed), let’s take a look back at some of the show’s greatest fashion crimes. Here are some of the worst Gossip Girl looks of all time.
Let’s start with Queen B. It’s easy to immediately declare that she can do no wrong; she was a princess, after all. Oh, but she can. She veryyyy much can. I mean, she did have a stint with Lonely Boy, can’t forgive her for that. But Blair has made some questionable fashion choices FOR SURE. I mean, personally I’m not here for her preppy blouses or childish bows, but it’s part of her look, so I’ll accept it. But what I won’t accept is this monstrosity. Okay Queen B, everyone knows you run the school. You got a lot of “yes” people. That being said, no one’s going to have the balls to tell you how horrific those banana yellow heels are, or yell at you for wearing mauve tights with open-toed shoes. The green coat isn’t good, and neither is a yellow shirt underneath it with gold accessories, but those shoes first and foremost are an abomination.
Look, I know we don’t always love our bridesmaid dresses, but I legit hate this. I mean, we all know Lily has always been not so low-key jealous of Serena. So really, it’s no shock that she would put her in her place with this terrible bridesmaid dress. I get the impression that she picked out this dress thinking it would be ugly af, but then saw Serena in it and was like, “Oh, f*ck! She still somehow looks good. Well, I’m not going to let her outshine me on my very special 5,000th wedding day! Okay, I’ll make her add these weird-ass black accessories to make her look real clownish.” Mission accomplished.
I don’t know whose self-centered oblivious attitude annoys me more: Serena or Lil J. Like, I get it, Jenny. It DOES suck that you live in Brooklyn with Lonely Boy as a brother and Rufus, a wannabe rockstar with Peter Pan syndrome, as a father. Def not ideal. But your bratty and entitled behavior is beyond what you have earned for your unfortunate family. And this outfit is unforgivable. It’s the definition of Lil J constantly trying too hard. Like, you’re a pretty girl with an eye for fashion, and sweetie, you’re going to make it out of Brooklyn! Just chill. You don’t need two oversize T-shirts layered on top of each other, plus fishnets, plus the largest bag I’ve ever seen. You’re supposed to take off one thing before you leave the house, and Jenny could’ve take off four.
Oh, wait. You know how I just said I didn’t know who annoyed me more, Serena or Jenny? My b, forget that because Vanessa hands down takes the cake with the title of most annoying on Gossip Girl. It’s a shame because she’s stunning, yet is the definition of pesky. Between her self-righteous attitude and tacky discount store wardrobe, she is the absolute worst. For example, combo of a horrible statement necklace and baggy jeans stuffed into Converse with cartoons on them. It gives me all the cringe sweats. It looks like something you get on the JCPenney clearance rack in the curated “teen” section. It’s just doing too much, just like martyr Vanessa always does.
I think almost any girl who’s watched Gossip Girl can admit that there is just something so inexplicably hot about Chuck Bass. Maybe it’s the self-confidence, the money, the power? Idk, but no matter how objectively hot Nate is, it’s Chuck’s true BDE that makes every girl wet. Explicit, but true. However, what doesn’t do it for me? Chuck’s double argyle with shorts and bow tie look. AND the socks are high socks. Just why? This is a look you’d see on a WASP-y dad at a golf course. I’m going to scream.
Like I said, I’m praying that this isn’t just a rumor and that we really are getting a Gossip Girl reboot. I mean, considering no one can seem to come up with any original ideas anymore for scripted TV, I’m down for an attempted reboot. If you’ve been watching Riverdale this season then you know The CW is really reaching right now. Let’s just hope that they do it right, and not some corny knockoff version that makes us forget why we loved it in the first place.
Images: Getty (5)
So I know Gossip Girl ended *crying in the fetal position* over half a decade ago, but I’d be lying if I said I stopped watching after the truly horrific two hours that was the 2012 finale. Thank you Netflix for answering my prayers and giving us Nate Archibald back. Anyway, as excited as I was to rewatch the garbage that is the scandalous lives of Manhattan’s elite, I had a thought: watching Gossip Girl as a jaded, tax-paying adult is a different experience than watching it as a young, dumb eighth grader. So as I sit in my floor-length bathrobe in my
Upper East Side Murray Hill living room with a tall glass of pinot, I’ve learned something important about the show that I never noticed before: it is truly a terrible program full of unanswered questions. Like, a bunch of full-grown adult teenagers with Platinum cards are galavanting around Manhattan shopping for ballgowns, noshing on caviar at Michelin restaurants and sipping gin martinis in 5-star hotel bars alone??? I THINK NOT. The only realistic part of this show was that one time Serena ate yogurt. Honestly, like my GPA in college, Gossip Girl started off really strong and then plummeted towards its death as the seasons ticked on. But an addiction is an addition, so I rewatched the entire show despite it being pure trash and was inspired to launch an investigation into the unexplained plot holes of each season. Please see my findings below.
Ok I’m not breaking any glass ceilings here when I say the first season was the best one by a long shot (I am right about this, so don’t @ me). Need we remember that this season had 18 one-hour episodes, which is like a full lifetime in television years, so there was a lot of room for sh*t to go down? As I stated before, the series started off strong (minus the ungodly amount of shorts-with-tights combos), and almost convinced 14-year old me that this is what high school would be like. What a fat LOL I had rewatching this as a 25-year-old hermit and realizing that my high school experience was the literal opposite Gossip Girl. I digress. So season one was fire/amazing/perfection/educational/blessed until Georgina Sparks showed up and ruined everything for both the characters and myself. Georgina circa season one (and for like the entirety of the show) is enormous plot hole #1. This fully-functioning psychopath girl returned to New York with the sole purpose of blackmailing Serena into being friends with her (are you five years old?) by threatening to reveal Serena’s casual murder of her f*ck buddy/drug dealer/boyfriend. Relatable, right?! Ok so let’s unpack that. Serena is supposed to be 16 (lol, k), which means she was a 15-year old coke head murderess at the time of the incident? Again, relatable! So Serena obv doesn’t want to be friends with this crazy b*tch, so Georgina retaliates by outing S’s little brother as a proud gay man, taking on a new identity, stealing Serena’s boyfriend, acquiring roofies, and using said roofies to prevent Serena from taking the SATs. A little much for being ghosted by a former friend, if you ask me. If I put this much effort into destroying the lives of people who don’t want to be my friend because I secretly recorded their crimes, I would be on top of the world.
Season two spared no ridiculous plot lines to keep the absurdity of the first season alive, but of all the huge holes in this season, one took the cake: Nate and Duchess Catherine Beaton. Before I delve into everything wrong with the double felony that was this relationship, I just need to give some other moments of this season some much-deserved recognition, so here goes: the actual prospect of Blair and Serena getting into Yale, (I was a straight-A student with a 2200 SAT score and got flat out rejected from all of the Ivy League schools. I’m not bitter, you’re bitter.), Chuck casually purchasing a New York landmark as a 17-year-old, the Snowflake Ball and everything that happened in that episode, and Serena’s marriage to the Winklevoss twin Gabriel Edwards. Back to business…season two opens with a much-welcomed steamy scene of Nate and Catherine having foreplay in a car in broad daylight. K, same. First of all, where and how did these nymphos even meet? Secondly, I obviously understand Catherine’s obsession, as Nate is a hard 10, but he is also supposed to be 17 and she is supposed to be in her mid-40s. I know it’s 2018 and we are progressive and open-minded now, but gross? Lastly, this relationship was illegal in more ways than one and no one really talked about that. For starters, this was straight up statutory rape, which is just not a good activity to engage in ever. Additionally, Catherine was paying for the pleasure of Nate’s company, which, may I remind her, is also against the law. Except for Vanessa (and Blair, whose boy toy was Catherine’s stepson and sex slave) no one else really cared about this affair, which is shocking, considering that if this happened in real life, Nate would have to give his hard-earned cash to the feds and Catherine would be in jail. Side note: as truly perfect as Nate is, his love interests took a nose dive after he and Blair called it quits. Just saying.
I know season three was the one where literally nothing that occurred could have actually happened, but the biggest WTF of this season was how much Gossip Girl Dan Humphrey could pull. First, he dated Lizzie McGuire smoke show actress Olivia Burke. Then, before exclusively dating Vanessa, he had a threesome with them both in his dad’s apartment. No better way to decide who’s a better match than sleeping with both options at the same time, amirite? Then, in vintage Dan Humphrey fashion, he pathetically drags his dad bod back to Serena and she is kind of down for it. But she has to go to Paris for the entire summer before making a decision because that’s what you do the summer before college, I guess? I was a waitress in my hometown’s Le Pain Quotidien during this exploratory summer, but whatever.
Even though season four was the one where Jenny went from being girl-next-door who sewed her own disaster outfits to a full-blown crypt keeper, her transgressions were not the biggest plot confusion of the season. I know I said I would only pick the absolute best plot hole per season, but this one has too many to choose only one, so I chose two. Sue me. The first is Chuck’s double life as a peasant living in France and shacking up with
Fleur Delacour Eva. Let’s not forget that this sad new life of his was provoked by his on-again-off-again high school hookup thank u, next-ing him. Moving to Paris and assuming a new identity as a pauper just seems like a tad overdramatic, no? Ok the second just as questionable moment in this season is Serena’s relationship with Ben. Who? Ben, you know, the teacher she allegedly had an affair with when she was a student at the boarding school where he taught and soon thereafter said affair was appropriately arrested, arraigned, and convicted. Yeah, I watch Law & Order. Ok so their blast from the past is weird enough, but once Serena frees him from the state penitentiary, they immediately start dating. Like literally the same day. I can’t even get my booty call to text me back before 2am, and she can get a hot older dude to exclusively date her after she basically threw him in prison for a very serious crime he didn’t commit? I get she’s a regulation hottie and can get a reservation at Carbone night-of, but really Ben?
Blair is my favorite and the betchiest Gossip Girl character, so she deserves a spotlight (for once in her life) on this list. Ok so in season five, Blair is engaged to the Prince of Monaco because of course and later becomes pregnant with his child. Glad to know that premarital sex is officially on the table now that royals are participating. Anyway, what’s the rush B? When I was 21, I was super into my college boyfriend and wanted to spend every waking second in his bunkbed at his frat house, but I was definitely not trying to marry him and bear his children. Also, is the CW really trying to tell me that Park Ave Princess Blair Waldorf isn’t on any form of birth control and prefers to raw dog it than be safe? Sorry that was gross, but just trying to make a point here. Lastly, I know this pregnancy wasn’t planned, but she took longer to forgive Jenny for banging Chuck than she did to get over her miscarriage. Everyone grieves in their own way, blah blah blah, but still, have a heart Blair.
Ah, the final season of this six year ego-stroking blab fest. I know everyone is expecting this season’s curveball to be Dan as Gossip Girl, but I’m wild and unpredictable, so I am not going to go with the plot line that the writers came up with the night they experimented with drugs. But my final roast is about Dan, who spent this season as one of Vanity Fair’s most successful contributors. I am a writer and I got laughed at when I applied for a f*cking unpaid internship at Vanity Fair. Again, I digress. So the second to last scene of this soap opera show is Dan and Serena’s wedding. No. NOOOOOO. Serena, why? Not that marriage means anything to anyone (hi Lily’s six divorces, Rufus’ two divorces and Serena’s annulment). So many things were wrong with this wedding, aside from the fact that it even happened at all. First, Serena van der Woodsen would never get married in her best friend’s apartment. She wouldn’t even get married in her own apartment. It’s a beach wedding in St. Barth’s or bust, okay, plebeians? The moral of the story is that no wedding should ever take place in an apartment. Secondly, this dress looks like a Project Runway challenge gone wrong, and I personally believe that U.S. Americans such as Serena van der Woodsen wouldn’t be caught dead in a gown that had any trace of metallic whatsoever. But back to Dan. Everything that happened to him from the moment he had that awkward encounter with Chuck and Nate on the bus (why were Chuck and Nate on a bus? I don’t even take the bus) makes zero sense. Speaking of Consuelo, I don’t understand how every character on this show isn’t in jail or dead. I saw Serena drink three cups of pure absinthe as a 15-year-old and she lived to narrate the flashback.
But I don’t want to end this roast on a negative note, so I would like to commend the only team who truly did its job on this show, the costume designers. Y’all killed it and I would like the tear sheets of every outfit Blair wore. Thank you for your consideration and I look forward to hearing from you soon!
Images: The CW; Giphy (3)
Face it motherchuckers, there’s nothing like a good Gossip Girl marathon to remind you how great 2008 was. Obama got elected, headbands were making a comeback, and it still mattered that your purse had a name brand (No fabric totes here, betches!). In honor of the end of the 20-aughts, let’s throw it back to the best/most ridiculous quotes from the show that aired, while we still had it all. And by “it all,” I mean a President that wasn’t garbage, parents who didn’t charge us rent, and a Motorola Razr.
Oh, and just to be clear, these quotes are probably mostly from the first few seasons of the show, you know, before things got weird, and all the writers had aneurysms and decided Dan was Gossip Girl. TBH, I’m honestly still mad about it, like fuming as I write this right now. My vote for Gossip Girl was either Dorota or Nellie, but hey, what do I know? As long as Blair and Chuck ended up together, I guess all is well in the world. Also, don’t @ me saying I ruined it for you with those spoilers. The show ended in 2012—legit five years ago. If you haven’t watched it yet, what are you, like 12? Anyway, enjoy this trip down memory lane. XOXO
“Don’t mock the scarf, Nathaniel. It’s my signature.” – Chuck
Chuck said a lot of really fucking stupid shit, but most of the time we legit didn’t care, because even though Ed Westwick is legit kind of weird looking, as Chuck, he could get it. Let’s be real, Ed Westwick is still weird looking and can still get it. Chuck was that annoying ass friend who referred to their friends by their full names and not what they actually went by. Also, what kind of a 17-year-old has a signature scarf? Chuck Bass, that’s who. Any questions?
“Relax, man. Girls know that when a guy says that during it doesn’t mean “I love you,” it means “I love having sex with you.” – Nate
OK, I mean, in some cases, Nate wasn’t wrong here. But this is probably teaching a whole generation of girls that dudes only drop the ILY so they can get in your pants. Nate wasn’t even the biggest fuckboy on this show, yet he’s dropping truth bombs on millennials like its nobody’s business. Like, thanks a lot Gossip Girl for furthering my trust issues with dudes.
“Wait, just tell me that no one’s trying to stop a wedding, run a Ponzi scheme, give anybody fake cancer, or turn into a justifiably vengeful townie.” – Eric
This quote from the littlest Van Der Woodsen seems really fucked up, yet, these are all legit real things that happened in the show. Like I said, the last few seasons of this show were totally insane. Not included in this quote includes Serena being drugged by her on-again-off-again boyfriend who turns out to be Gossip Girl, a legit crazy person impersonating Serena, or Chucks dad dying and then, oh jk, not being dead at all. Gotta give these writers credit for being pretty self-aware, most of the time.
“I don’t read Gossip Girl. That’s for chicks” – Dan Humphrey
Nice try, Humphrey. Like we were supposed to believe an educated, worldly, Brooklynite refers to women as “chicks.” Even in 2008, this seemed a little out of place. We all thought the writers just spazzed and made him Gossip Girl, but what if they planned on Dan being Gossip Girl the whole time and used quotes like this just to throw us off?! #hottake
“Looks like this Parisian beauty reeled in a Bass. A Chuck Bass, to be more specific.” – Gossip Girl
Gossip Girl her/himself said a lot of weird ass things throughout the series, but I would have to say the Chuck Bass puns were among some of the worst. This quote is from the part of the show where Chuck starts dating Fleur Delacour. Gossip Girl also once said something about Chuck Bass being adrift at sea or some shit. Like, OK people. We get that his last name is Bass and that’s a fish. HA HA. Make a new pun.
“Your daughter wakes up alone, drugged in an empty motel room, and you don’t call the cops? You don’t ask if she’s okay or what happened? You just have her committed? What kind of mother does that?” – Serena
Can we just talk about how Lilly and Rufus were probably the worst parents of all time? This quote makes the ridicu-list for referencing a huge part of the show that no one remembers: the parents were totally shitty all the time. They dgaf that their dating would make it weird for their kids to be friends, let alone dating themselves. Also, Serena was drugged by Gossip Girl who turned out to be Dan, and then her mom blamed her for the whole thing. Way to slut shame, Lilly.
“The true reason I should stay right where I am and not get in the car, three words, eight letters… say it and I’m yours.” -Blair
What’s a list of Gossip Girl quotes without legit the best line from the whole show? A pretty shitty list, that’s what. Also, they’re at the Vitamin Water White Party during this episdode. WTF? Like that’s a thing. Blair tells Chuck that she’ll leave whatever aristocratic boyfriend she has at the time, if he just tells her he loves her. Of course, Chuck doesn’t say those three magic words until the end of season two, and then they don’t even really get together until the final season anyway. It’s all bullshit. Yet, why do I think about this quote all the time? Whatever, I ship Chuck and Blair forever.