Just as my colleague Alise Morales is the undisputed Doll Correspondent here at Betches, I am too dubbing myself the Senior Hard Seltzer Correspondent (though I fully admit that my articles are no American Girl Dolls Ranked By Betchiness, but I do my best). I’ve already broken down what your favorite White Claw flavor says about you, but why stop there? What if you’re not a White Claw Outlaw? What if you’re *gasp* a Truly Thot? A Bon & Viv kid? (I clearly made all these terms up.) Never fear, I’m here to tell you, like a drunk Buzzfeed but probably still more logical, what your favorite hard seltzer brand says about you.
People who drink White Claw go one of two ways: they either embrace the frat bro branding and are therefore wanted in several states for their petty crimes, or they are “old people” (read: over 30) who think they’re winding down but are in actuality blacking out on Tuesdays after chugging four of these in an hour. So basically, the same person just plus or minus a side of self-awareness. I shouldn’t have to tell you this, but I will: drinking these is not a valid defense in court. I will also let you in on a secret: everyone wants you to shut the f*ck up about these.
Unlike some of its bougier counterparts, Trulies are upfront about what they bring to the table, which they communicate through bold packaging and the fact that you can find them next to the checkout counter at your local Walgreen’s. The people who drink these are always yelling without intending to, and true (pun not intended) to the name, their main personality trait is that they consider themselves “brutally honest”, which we all know means “lacking tact”.
Let me guess: your name is Kaylee or Hayleigh or Mickayyleaighgh, you live in Buckhead, Atlanta or somewhere similarly preppy, and you have a designer Frankenstein of a dog. Yes, I know the outdoorsy design on the cans would lead one to believe I would go the “you actually enjoy hiking” route, but I’m not that literal. You see, these flavors are so bougie (“lemon agave hibiscus”? It’s lemonade, call it what it is) that the people who drink this are the people who barrel curl their hair for fun. I see your melon basil and while yes, you sound delicious, I’m not sure I can hang with your crowd considering I don’t have a trust fund. Also what the f*ck is a “yumberry”?
I’ve heard the strawberry flavor is actually good, but I have yet to try these considering I am over the age of 23. When it comes to Bud Light Seltzer, we can go one of a few ways. First, there’s the obvious: you just graduated college, are living in FiDi with six roommates and three fake walls (“The closet is a flex!”), and are biding your time until Jake’s Dilemma reopens. Then, there’s the other slightly obvious: you’re stuck in a miserable 9-to-5 working like, insurance or some sh*t, and just long for your college days (you probably also have a rack of Bud Light beer in your fridge and a lonely beer bong collecting dust in the corner). Or, finally: you’re just a regular guy/gal who isn’t into all these high-falutin trends like “adaptogens” and “açai” that you see on Instagram, and prefer the simple things in life.
The thing is that High Noon drinkers are better than everyone else, but they aren’t showy about it. In fact, some say they, like their go-to seltzer, are overly sweet. When High Noon drinkers discover a new trend, they won’t say anything when you hop on that bandwagon two years later and act like you invented it. You want to hate this person, but you can’t find a reason, and anyone you express your jealousy to will just think you’re the asshole.
Bon Viv is that girl nobody paid any respect to in high school, but once she got away from her small town, she was the f*cking Queen Bee in college. She left all those haters in the dust and had an instant come-up. The thing is, though, she still keeps it real. Yes she did get invited by a well-known fashion brand to a trip to Paris, yes she’ll still be at your 10-year reunion, no she is not interested in trying one of your “weird wrap things”.
These things pack 12% ABV per can (for reference, most of these other brands clock in around 5%). I mean this from the bottom of my heart: If you drink Four Loko seltzers, I am afraid of you. You have nothing to lose. You probably use your iPhone without a case, just out here raw dogging it. You may likely have a death wish. Just stay away from me.
Images: djile / Shutterstock
Thanks to a miraculous breakthrough of science, we now have alcoholic seltzer. Low calories, low to zero sugar, bubbles cause we’re so fun, and lots of alcohol make these a FANTASTIC choice for sippin’ at the pool, beach, or on your couch while wearing sweatpants and canceling plans. There are a shitload of alcoholic bubblies out there, but we narrowed down the five best spiked seltzers so you can get your drank on without being required to wear a larger size in pants. Bless.
1. Svedka Spiked Premium Seltzer
Holy tap-dancing Jesus. One of our vodkas from our college years has made the leap to spiked seltzers. And they’re DELICIOUS. Though Svedka’s spiked line offers a few flavors, the cucumber basil is the crowd fav. It doesn’t taste artificial at all, has a nice chill summer balance, and can still get you fucked up after a few cans. Praise be.
This gluten-free spiked seltzer is sure to become a favorite of white people everywhere. The best part of the Truly line, which has been around for a bit now, is all the varieties. Pomegranate is like, probs the best, but Sicilian blood orange, pomelo, lemon and yuzu, and other bougie flavors make this the LaCroix of spiked seltzers. Fight me.
3. Henry’s Hard Sparkling Water
Henry’s Hard is like, probs one of the OG hard sodas out there. Obv, they got the message that betches want calorie-free alcohol that doesn’t taste like dick, and they branched into the wide world of spiked seltzers. You only have a choice of a few flavors—none of which are mind-blowing. However, they work REALLY well if you use them as a mixer with like, juice … or more alcohol, idk. Also, at only 88 calories per can, you can drink a lot before feeling bad about it.
4. White Claw
When my cousin first bought me a pack of this so we could get white girl wasted while lying on pool floaties, I was ready to get my white trash on. However, this gluten-free, higher calorie spiked seltzer is actually super decent on alcohol and probably the best on taste. It tastes less like an 18-year-old’s first foray into alcohol, and more like something I can drink while playing bridge or joining a book club. I’m a classy lady, god damn it!
Alright—let’s break this down. SpikedSeltzer has 140 calories per can, but 6% ABV…so worth it? This is the can that’ll get you super drunk, super fast, so if that’s the goal, go for it. The biggest downside to these is that they’re really kind of sweet, and the higher sugar content may give you a worse hangover.
We’re praying for the day LaCroix becomes alcoholic. JUST SAYING LACROIX PEOPLE YOU’D MAKE SO MUCH MONEY PLEASE HIRE ME TO RAMP THIS UP FOR YOU BYE.
Images: Giphy, Walmart (4)
It’s no secret that betches live for LaCroix. It is bubbly calorie-less deliciousness in a can and they make tremendous mixers and come in a shit ton of flavors. What more could you ask for in a beverage? We even ranked them by betchiness to help you make a wise, informed, non-shitty decision. You’re welcome, btw. Of course, the regular suspects were all at the top: pamplemousse (or grapefruit for English speakers) and all the Curatés. Fucking duh. But then they went and released tangerine La Croix and fucked up our list because holy shit it’s good. Like incredibly good. But instead of re-doing the whole thing and it being the exact same list with one addition, we’re just gonna tell you everything you need to know about the yummy new can on the block.
First things first, it’s not THAT new to some peeps in “select markets” *cough* LA and New York *cough*, but, just like everything that starts in the cool cities, now it’s becoming mainstream so we can all have it. Unless, of course, you live in bumfuck nowhere and don’t have a Whole Foods nearby or anything. Actually, that’s not even an excuse. You can order La Croix on Amazon. If you’re not drinking it, that’s on you. Sorry.
If you like the citrus flavors—which you do, because they’re the best chasers—tangerine is about to be your shit. Like, if you’re married to orange or lemon—fuck, maybe even pamplemousse—tangerine is bound to be your new sexy, free-spirited mistress. In terms of flavor, tangerine finds herself (yes, it’s a girl) somewhere in between having no taste at all and being so sweet you feel like you’re having a watered down Mountain Dew. It’s bright and fresh, and is hands down one of the bubbliest, which is key to achieving prime LaCroix status. Looking at you, coconut.
But I know what you’re all wondering: 1) What’s the best alcohol to mix tangerine with? Great question. I personally recommend vodka or tequila. Vodka because duh and tequila because it’s like a little spin on a marg but it won’t make you fat, and 2) Where would it fall on the betchy La Croix ranking? That one is a lot harder. On the one hand, it’s my new fave flave. But I’m having a hard time taking the crown from the OG effervescent treat, pamplemousse. So let’s just say this… It’s def in the top three. Sorry lemon/lime, looks like you may have just gotten a demotion.
In the past few years, LaCroix has gone from something I’d only vaguely heard of before to literally taking over the world. Betches have ridded their fridges of Diet Cokes (JK not really) and flavorless flat water (God forbid) and replaced them with brightly colored cans of effervescent deliciousness. The good news? All LaCroix is pretty fucking betchy. They’re calorie-, sugar-, gluten-, sodium-, anything bad for you-free so they’re not going to make you fat like other sodas. They make amazing mixers. And who doesn’t love bubbles? The bad news is that all flavors are NOT created equal. But that’s what you have us for.
So we bring you: a definitive ranking of the betchiest LaCroix. Two things before diving into this: 1) There are a million fucking flavors so they’re not ALL on here. 2) If you disagree with our ranking, that’s fine. If it really upsets you, however, you need to relax and either pretend this list never happened, or make a life change and send us a box of LaCroix as a thank you. Preferably option 2.
Does anyone even drink this? Out of all of the flavors, this one is the fakest tasting and it’s just not good. If you go to someone’s house and they offer you a LaCroix then whip out this bad boy, it’s time to go home and reevaluate the friendship.
9. Peach Pear
It’s not necessarily bad—if I’m being perfectly honest, I think it’s pretty good. I’m a Southern betch though, so anything peach is my shit. It’s just that it tastes SO MUCH. It’s like a transition drug for people trying to break into the world of sparkling water except they just can’t give up their sugary soda ways. I feel like Peach Pear people probs keep a secret stash of Mountain Dew in case of emergencies.
The problem here is the way it smells. I literally crack open a can and start gagging because it’s like cheap tanning oil and when I think about drinking it, I want to vomit. The only excuse for drinking this one is that it’s a skinny option for a tropical mixer, but like, can’t you just use coconut rum?
The OG LaCroix is a little boring because it has no flavor whatsoever, but I can definitely appreciate people who are hardcore enough to drink plain sparkling water. Best part about this one is you can throw it in any drink you want and it won’t fuck up the taste, just make it a little bubbly.
6. Piña Fraise
Ah. The first one from LaCroix’s Cúrate (it’s pronounced coo-rah-tay, btw). I feel like some people are gonna hate on these and be Team Original, but idc because they’re amazing. This one mixes pineapple and strawberry so it’s a little on the sweet side for my taste, but it has a good bit of flavor without fucking punching you in the face. It says “I’m not quite a LaCroix pro, but I’m not a lame AF newb either.”
5. Melón Pomelo
If you couldn’t tell by the name, this is another of the Cúrate variety. It breaks into the top five because of its uncommon mix of fruits that actually works and isn’t totally nasty (looking at you, Cran-Raspberry). It’s like a mixologist handmade your sparkling water for you. I mean, who knew cantaloupe and grapefruit combined could be so damn tasty?
4. Cerise Limón
This one is literally like a calorie-free cherry limeade from Sonic. Well not quite, but close. The subtle flavors are usually the betchiest, but because it’s all tart and no sweet, it doesn’t taste as fake as some of the other flavor-heavy options. A vodka soda with a cerise limón instead of standard club is never a bad idea. But you can just say cherry lime so you don’t sound like an asshole who’s trying to speak Spanish.
These two are tied because they’re pretty much the fucking same. They’re basically only liked by LaCroix snobs because they kind of taste like a fountain Sprite when it’s running low on syrup. Tbh, these two are okay, but not my faves. The only reason they’re up this high is because they’re awesome mixers and go with pretty much any kind of alcohol.
2. Múre Pepino
Surprise! It’s another member of the Cúrate fam and it is fucking incredible. The mix of blackberry and cucumber is like something you’d get at the spa. It’s so damn refreshing and it’s relatively unknown so you look betchy AF and slightly hipster, but not overtly, so when people go in your fridge and stumble across the lavender and lime cans. If you like crafty cocktails with herbs and shit, make this your new go-to.
This should come as a surprise to no one. Pamplemousse (grapefruit, if you speak English) is an OG LaCroix and has managed to stay the betchiest. It has a little more taste than lime and lemon, but it’s still super light and exclusive to veteran LaCroix drinkers. It’s also one of the bubbliest which is always a good thing. Plus, the name is fancy AF. Long live the pamplemousse.