I’ll admit it: I love a good, inane method of communication. (Poking on Facebook, pinging on Blackberry, you name it.) I also love seeing celebrities participate in dumb sh*t for a paycheck, which brings me to Cameo. Cameo is a service that allows you to send your friends messages in the form of a selfie video from a chosen celebrity. I’ll explain this a few more ways until it settles into your brain. Say you’re making happy hour plans. You could text your friend like a normal person—OR you could pay Kevin from The Office $145 to do it for you. (Oh yeah, celebrities on Cameo each have their own rate.) Naturally, I had to find out which celebrities actually signed up to become on-demand greeting cards—and the answers won’t disappoint you. Here are the weirdest, most random celebrities on Cameo and available for hire.*
*I don’t really do sports, so feel free to browse the athlete section on your own.
Ben Higgins ($50)
Oh Ben! I’d wondered where you went after Happily Ever After, but I didn’t think you’d fallen so far. First of all, $50 is way too low for the most charming Bachelor in recent history, especially when you see that Nick Viall is on here for $75. I actually feel like Ben would be a good choice for an interaction you’re a little nervous about, like telling your boyfriend that you adopted a dog while he was at work. Wouldn’t it just be harder to get upset looking at his bashful, country-boy eyes? Or am I just another crazed Higgins fan, waiting for my chance to kneel at his feet on live TV? Time will tell.
Other Bachelor cast members: Ashley and Jared ($65), Robby Hayes ($50), Corinne Olympios ($40), Chris Harrison ($425)
James Kennedy ($100)
And now, the one that I am personally most likely to use. James has been deeply up against it this season of Vanderpump Rules, by which I mean he has faced some consequences for his actions. As a result, he has looked like a wounded dog with lifeless eyes in every scene for the past two weeks, and I can think of no one less equipped to be sending out cheerful videos for hire. For reference, you could have Scheana record the same message for $75, but at least James’ version would be less likely to include an orgasm.
Billy Zane ($500)
With Billy Zane, we’ve moved out of what I’m calling the “small players” ($200 and under) and into the major leagues. For a cool $500, you can have the villain from Titanic wish your parents a happy anniversary. Or tell your boss you’re taking the rest of the week off. I don’t really understand how or why Billy Zane has become such a punch line in pop culture, but I do kind of feel like a video message from him could ruin my day. Sorry Billy, I’ll always be Team Leo!
Stormy Daniels ($666)
Got any politically minded friends? Devoted readers of The ‘Sup who regularly ruin brunch with depressing updates from the outside world? Show them that you’re paying attention with a very current $666 video message from none other than Stormy Daniels. If nothing else, you’ll be helping her pay off those legal fees.
Caitlin Jenner ($1,000)
Finally, if you’re really looking for a splurge: Caitlin Jenner. As the most expensive option on this list, she is also one of the only two whose profession is listed as “Icon.” (Most include titles like “TV Star” or “Reality Star,” or the name of the series they’re on). The other icon on this list is “George Jung aka ‘Boston George,’” an American drug trafficker who was played by Johnny Depp in the movie Blow. A message from this famed criminal is only $65, so up to you which “icon” you’d like to go with. I’d also like to note that Caitlin Jenner is the only member of the Kardashian/Jenner clan on this site.
Other usual suspects are on this site—Bella Thorne ($110), Snooki ($300). What I’ve learned from this research is that I love listing celebrities’ names with prices attached, and it is possible that reality TV pays less well than I thought. Hopefully these celebrities on Cameo have brightened your day as much as mine.
Images: Giphy (3)
If there’s anything the selfie kid at the Super Bowl taught us it’s that we, as a culture, are
slowly turning into an episode of Black Mirror obsessed with our selfies. God, I want to set myself on fire just writing that sentence. According to a recent review by the American Academy of Facial Plastic and Reconstructive Surgery (AAFPRS), 2017 was a huuuuge, very big year for plastic surgery and 2018 is about to be even more lit. Last year, plastic surgeons saw an 80 percent increase of cosmetic non-surgical procedures, like injectables, that are v popular with the Kylie Jenner wannabe crowd twentysomethings. And apparently we can thank “selfie culture” for that. No, seriously. This is the world we live in. According to the AARPS survey, 55 percent of facial plastic surgeons saw patients who wanted to PHYSICALLY ALTER their appearances, I assume so they could look better in their Instagram stories. And that number is only predicted to grow in the new year. Welcome to 2018, fam. I guess it’s time to lean the fuck in. And you know what I always say: if you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em rank the shit out of every procedure so at least people will be able to make a smart, educated decision about the surgical Insta filter they’re about to put in their face. And my parents thought I wouldn’t be able to use my journalism degree after college! So here is a definitive list of the best and worst plastic surgery trends of 2018:
Plastic Surgery Trends That Are Worth It
The Non-Surgical Nose Job: If you thought we left nose jobs back in the early 00’s with Ashlee Simpson, you’d be wrong. Now, instead of doing traditional rhinoplasty, people are using injectables to change the shapes of their noses in a procedure that takes less than 15 minutes, or the time it takes for me to start and end a relationship on Hinge. Plastic surgeons inject a hyaluronic acid filler to smooth out imperfections and help contour the nose shape. The cool thing is the procedure isn’t permanent. The injections won’t last longer than two years, so like, about as long as it will take you to work out your quarter life crisis and learn to love your nose again.
PRP Injections: Platelet-Rich Plasma, or PRP injections have been slowly gaining a cult following for a while now thanks to Kim Kardashian and
the thousands of dollars she was paid to promote it for 30 seconds her Instagram account. Remember vampire facials? This is basically the same thing. Surgeons take a patient’s own blood and spin it to extract platelets and growth factors. They then separate out the plasma and incubate it for hours to multiply its healing agents before injecting it back into the patient’s skin or hair follicles to rejuvenate skin and regenerate hair growth. So basically, some fucking sorcery is at play here, but your skin will look good AF by the end of it. Blessings.
Plastic Surgery Trends To Skip
Eyelid Procedures: Yeah, you heard me right. People are fucking with their eyelids now, because nothing is sacred anymore, goddamnit. Fifty-seven percent of plastic surgeons are saying their patients are not only obsessed with selfies, but also gaining a competitive edge in their careers, which is why kids these days are injecting shit into their eyelids to minimize dark circles and under eye bags. Fucking genius. And while normally I’m in full support of any and everything that will hide the evidence of my hangovers, the fillers they inject into your eyelids only last a year at the most and then you turn back into
a pumpkin your ratchet-ass self. Pass. I’d rather just live my truth from the beginning.
Botox: If you’re under 30 and regularly subjecting yourself to this shit, then you need to take a serious fucking look inward. First of all, there’s so many anti-aging treatments out there that cost a fraction of what botox does, so save your money for where it really should be spent: the bar. Secondly, YOU ARE UNDER THE AGE OF FUCKING 30. Fucking chill. Just because your mother has low-key been sending you mommy memes and YouTube videos of babies since the day you graduated college does not mean you’re actually old and should start injecting shit into your skin.
Fillers: Fillers are, like, so
2015 Kylie Jenner last year. Not to mention, this is the year that plastic surgeons are, like, realizing stuff, and that stuff is that your body can actually build up an immunity to fillers, meaning fillers might actually be useless. Whatttt. That’s right, it’s 2018 people, and by 2019 Kylie might look more unrecognizable than her first driver’s permit photo. And we thought motherhood was going to be the craziest transformation we’d see of her. Bottom line: unless you’re looking for a v v short-term solution, don’t waste your time (and money) on fillers anymore.
Images: Giphy (5)
Now that we’re in the second month of summer and the second most important summer holiday is over (National Tequila Day is first, fucking obviously), your Insta game is more important than ever. In order to make up for the fact that you haven’t done shit this summer, like backpack across Europe or anything remotely sophisticated, I’m sure your v loyal followers can assume all you’ve done is swim with basic pool floats and that you may become an alcoholic sooner than later. More likely than not, this is probs the story of your life because there are only so many times you can Insta yourself on a rooftop with a pretty drink without looking desperate AF. Luckily, it’s not socially acceptable to post what you’re actually doing (i.e., sleeping, bingeing Netflix, eating our weight in food) because god forbid people see what a
disappointment to your family loser you really are.
Before summer ends, do yourself a favor and bring out your inner
narcissistic, egotistical self Kim Kardashian with a glow-up so no one knows you wasted the summer away. Here are six essential tips for nailing a solid selfie that will get you triple digit likes without having to do like, 23,456 takes.
1. Find Good Lighting
Um, fucking duh. Although you’ll look like a complete freak running around your house holding your phone in front of your face, your roomie will totally know that you’re just finding good lighting. Because this is like, the most important. Natural light is best for selfies because lamps can make you look yellow and/or diseased. Face a window that gets a lot of sunlight for best results, so that way your skin looks clearer and softer—like what your fave animal Snapchat filter does for you.
2. Choose Between A Crazy Or A Simple Background—There Is No In-Between
As much as you have to look flawless, your background is v important too. Obviously, the better the background, the more likes. If you’re living it up somewhere across seas or jumping out of a plane, make sure to capture a selfie right in the middle of it all. Or if your only background is your bedroom, find a plain wall to sit in front of. This draws (even more) attention to your features.
3. Slightly Angle Your Phone Down, Show Your Left Cheek
Okay, this is like, kind of hard. Everyone wants their phone angled to make them look skinnier, which is the goal, but too much or too little can make you look fucking awkward. Instead of drastically angling your phone downward like you would on MySpace (#tbt), you only want to slightly angle your phone down (that 30 degree rule is real) just enough where it barely looks as though you are. At the same time, turn your head to the right to show off your left side—IDK, science says this is your most flattering side. Don’t forget to put on a ridiculous amount of highlighter to accentuate your cheekbones.
^^^ We could learn a thing or two from Ariana.
4. Try To Look As “Natural” As Possible
This one is a little bit of a lie but, then again, who doesn’t edit their selfies? Nothing is real when it comes to Insta. If you want to smile in your selfie, that’s fine because maybe your ex will think for even a second that it isn’t forced. However, your fans probs want something new, like a sexual smize that doesn’t look like you’re weirdly squinting or having menstrual cramps. You may have to practice your “love is eternal” face but it’ll be worth it, I swear. Do it for the likes.
5. Blue Is Your Best Hue
Whether you’re wearing it, hanging out by the water, or next to a wall, try to incorporate the color blue somewhere in your picture.
6. Wait Until Thursday Anytime From 5-7pm
Lastly, after editing the pic enough that you look like a second-cousin-twice-removed of the Kardashian-Jenner clan, wait to post your picture until optimal posting time. For Insta, that’s usually Monday or Thursday outside of work hours. Unless your selfie shows something worthy of scrolling through from your weekend, don’t post a duckface on Monday. No one fucking likes Monday, everyone is miserable, and I’m probably crying so no, I’m not going to like your selfie. If you wait until Thursday after you get out of work, chances are everyone will like it during their commute home. It’s like, pre-Friday, so spirits are high and so are the chances of getting triple digit likes.
Read: The 6 Makeup Mistakes That Are Ruining Your Selfies
Even though New York’s weather is legitimately more batshit than my horoscope is predicting my mood will be this month, the summer season is almost upon us. Which means life is about to be all trips to the Hamptons, rooftop happy hours, and weddings that you pretend to be excited about spending $600 on a plane ticket to attend. And if you’re like me and my friends then you know that the only reason we leave our air conditioned living rooms to do any of this shit is for the Insta.
That being said, group photos are actual sabotage. Half the time I look like GiGi Hadid — you know if she were having, like, a really rough day—and the other half of the time I look like an extra on one of those TLC freak shows.
I mean, how am I supposed to show my ex-boyfriend and that one girl from high school who made fun of my eyebrows that I’m living my best life if not through my Instagram feed? HOW?? Sighs. But this is where I come in, because years of being a wannabe Instagram model have done nothing but prepare me for this article. So here’s 5 tips to always look look good AF in photos:
1. Use More Tongue
Literally words I have never said before but I guess there’s a first time for everything. I picked this trick up from Stylecaster.com because it fucking works. Pressing your tongue to the roof of your mouth while you smile is a V effective way to elongate your neck and jawline. This is important because, as we all know, some days we look we’ve lost three pounds and other days we should just try Sears.
Using this tongue trick is a sure way to banish your double-chins from photos forever. Blessings.
2. Angles Are Everything
Everyone always says this but that’s because it’s fucking true. If you’ve even watched one episode of America’s Next Top Model then you know that Tyra is constantly using this line with the cute Nice Girl from Nebraska who might have the model look but Tyra’s not sure if she has the “it” factor.
That being said, there are two parts of your body that you need to keep in mind when you consider your angles. First, there’s your face aka the constant source of sabotage in my
selfie game life. You should avoid at all costs a direct head-on shot of your face because that’s just asking for you to feel personally victimized in your friend’s wedding album on Facebook. *shudders* Instead, stand a little bit sideways and tilt your chin either a little bit upwards or a tad downwards like so:
Another angle for you to consider is your torso. Twisting your body at an angle and popping a hand on your hip gives the appearance that you are thinner than the two donuts you scarfed down like a rabid animal at your department meeting this morning. It’s a classic look and it shouldn’t be taken for granted—hence why you see every sorority girl in the nation posing this way.
3. Don’t Be Weird With Your Hands
You know exactly what I’m talking about here. There’s always that one friend in the group photo who you tell to “just be natural!” and she inevitably fucks it up by looking like this:
Like, Jesus Christ, Carol, get your shit together. What your hands/arms are doing in a picture is V important to not looking like the home-schooled jungle freak in your friend group. If you want to switch up your pose, try putting your hand in your pockets for a sleeker, more sophisticated look. Or if you’re not sure what you’re doing with your hands, and probs your life, there’s always the classic hands on the hip combo.
4. Cross Your Ankles
This is a classic way to change up your body stance while also making your legs look like Kendall Jenner’s. If you’re one of those that likes to have your friend take pictures of you standing in front of like, graffiti walls in Brooklyn or whatever, then this tip is about to be a game changer for you. Crossing your legs at your calf makes your hips look narrower and your legs look longer.
5. Don’t Copy Your Friends
I swear to god if I see one more SRAT squat photo I will lose my fucking mind. Seven girls huddled together in front of a scenic background? How original.
If you want to be semi-original and not piss me off on social media then for THE LOVE OF GOD pick a different pose from the rest of your friends. Not only will it make you stand out in the photo but it will also give you a personality, something staged group photos are almost always lacking.
At the end of the day I’m not a goddamn photographer so, like, do what you want. But if you use the above tips for all of your Instagram endeavors don’t be surprised if that ex of yours slides into your DMs faster than you can say “I just woke up like this.” You’re welcome.
Aside from choosing a method of getting blackout this weekend, picking a profile picture is one of the most important decisions a betch can make. Sure, you might look like a human disaster wrapped in yoga pants 80 percent of the time in real life, but social media is forever. Not only is your Facebook page the first real impression you make on the hot guy(s) you made out with at Coachella, but it’s also what people from high school see when they’re idly stalking you after your moms get together for brunch back home. Obviously, your profile picture has to be flawless in every way.
The only problem is that you might think your current prof pic makes you appear like the appropriate combination of successful, fuckable, and free-spirited, but according to science, nobody else agrees.
In a study from the University of New South Wales, psychologists found that it’s actually a way better idea to let strangers pick your profile picture than to rely on the brutal honesty of your BFF or your own terrible judgment. Researchers asked 102 students to pick two photos of themselves to be used in three situations: social media, dating apps, and a professional site (ugh). Then they were given photos of someone else in the study and asked to do the same thing, choosing three profile pictures for a stranger. Finally, researchers showed the chosen photos to a different group of randos and made them rate the pictures for science.
According to their results, we’re spectacularly terrible at picking our own profile pictures, but we’re great at choosing them for other people. In the study, the photos chosen by a stranger were consistently rated better than the self-chosen kind. So you might think your picture looks like this:
But actually it’s more like this.
As if making the most infinitesimal change to my profile wasn’t stressful enough, now I have to find out I look like a monster in my main photo? From now on, I’m only ever posting anything when it’s been approved by a committee of my peers.
The good news for you guys is that, as a total stranger, I can tell you what to do with your profile picture. You’re welcome.
DO: Face The Camera
It’s ridiculous that I have to specify this, but judging from my Facebook feed, specify I must. Face the fucking camera in your profile picture. It’s there for people to identify you, and that’s impossible if your pic shows nothing but the back of your ombréd head, which looks like all the other ombréd heads out there. Also maybe consider a new dye job because ombré has been on its way out since it came in, in like 2014.
DON’T: Use A Selfie
You know you’re a narcissistic hottie, but do you really want to advertise it? Besides, using a selfie makes you look like you have no friends to take a photo for you, which might be true but I doubt you want that known. The obvious exception is Instagram, where selfies reign supreme.
DO: Pick Something That Makes You Look Cool
Yes, it’s bragging, but isn’t that what social media is for? Go forth and upload that pic of you paddleboarding in the Bahamas. Nobody needs to know it was from 2014 and you fell off the board immediately after—they do need to think you’re way cooler than you are.
DON’T: Include A Kid
Unless that child is the fruit of your personal loins, don’t include a kid in your profile pic. If you do, I guarantee you’ll never get laid again because every potential Tinder date will assume it’s yours. Or you’ll get asked on dates by people “looking to start a family,” which is way worse than celibacy if you ask me.
DO: Smize Like Tyra Asked You To
Put those America’s Next Top Model marathons to use and pick something where you’re smiling. Just don’t smile too much, because then your eyes get all scrunched and, even worse, someone might start to doubt your reputation for heartlessness.
DON’T: Be A Face In A Crowd
Facebook is for stalking someone you just met until you know everything about their lives. How are people supposed to do that when they can’t tell which pink-clad sorority girl is supposed to be you in your profile picture? I’m all for girl power, but save that shit for a cover photo.
Read: The 6 Makeup Mistakes That Are Ruining Your Selfie
Here’s a reason to feel superior to the rest of humanity today: It’s been scientifically proven that people who brag about being fit on Facebook are literally psycho. Let me be clear: I’m not about criticizing anyone for working on their bikini body so masses of beachgoers don’t flee the scene when they take off their shirt—in fact, I thank you. What I do have a problem with is the people who won’t fucking stop talking about it. Not sure if you fit the bill? Here’s a hint: if you’ve ever posted a status, tweet, Snapchat, whatever using the words “gains,” “progress,” “fit life,” or other variations, I’m talking to you. Although you’d think it would be obvious, people keep making statuses about their fitness routines all the goddamn time even though not a single human being cares. And now we have legitimate reasons to be concerned for your mental health.
According to science, we’re totally justified in our hatred of anyone who brags about getting up early to go for a light 15K. In a study published last fall, researchers at Brunel University in London decided to analyze what could possibly motivate this kind of person, and apparently, it’s old-fashioned narcissism.
The study asked 555 Facebook users about their reasons for making statuses and measured stuff like narcissism, personality traits, and self-esteem. When researchers compared the psychological shit and motivations, they found that—surprise!—the kind of person who posts too many gym selfies is a burden on humanity and should be shipped off into space. I might be reading a little between the lines here, but you’ll see what I mean in just a moment.
According to researchers, #fitness lovers tend to be more narcissistic, and their main goal is literally to brag about their looks and self-discipline. And probably to make the rest of us feel like shit in comparison—because, again, they’re psychopaths—though researchers didn’t say that explicitly.
What’s even worse is that for some unfathomable reason, these gym posts also get more likes and comments than other kinds—maybe because our only option is to stress the posters out with an avalanche of notifications? Maybe for the same reasons we tell children their artwork is good? Reasoning TBD. But anyone with a functioning brain stem can tell you that all this does is validate their need for attention. In other words, if you’re liking before and after ab selfies or the dreaded thirsty squat pic, YOU ARE PART OF THE PROBLEM.
I’ll leave you with a PSA: Please, for the love of God, stop feeding the narcissists. And if you’re the type of person who posts about it every time you go for a fucking run, kindly toss your phone into the nearest body of water. It’s for your own good.