I’ve gathered you all here today to discuss a probably unpopular opinion. A “hot take,” if you will: Selena Gomez is annoying AF.
There, I said it.
I know she’s like, the most followed person on Instagram or whatever, but for the level of exposure she’s gained, she doesn’t have much to show for it. Any lovesick middle school girl could write her lyrics, and I must have slept through the part where Spring Breakers won an Academy Award. If I didn’t know she was a “singer” and an “actress,” I would think she’s famous just for mastering the art of looking beautiful and sad, kind of like how Bella Thorne is famous for mastering the art of looking like she just stepped out of a sewer filled with glitter.
Let’s start with the least credible detail: Selena is the OG Belieber. Selena Gomez and Justin Bieber began their fairytale many moons ago in 2009, when they were just two teenyboppers, before Bieber peed off balconies and was banned from China. *Wistful sigh* 2009 was a simpler time.
After many years of relationship ups and downs, cheating scandals, and unfollowing each other on Instagram, Selena and Justin called it quits, seemingly for good. This lead Bieber to his World Tour of Blondes and Selena into the arms of The Weeknd, who I will maintain is the better dude here. But alas, last summer Selena ended her Weeknd vacation and was back on her bullshit, spotted with Biebs soon after.
If Selena Gomez wants to promote this image of being a strong female role model to her fans, running right back into the arms of a guy who treated her like shit is probably not the best message for teenage girls. “Yeah Chad just dumped me after senior prom and told the whole school I was a slut because I wouldn’t sleep with him, but it’s true love! If Selena and Justin can make it work, I know we’re meant to be.”
Even Selena’s mom wouldn’t talk to her after she got back with Bieber. I don’t know if Selena and her mom have some sort of Ariel Winter/Crystal Workman-esque relationship, but if the woman who birthed me stopped speaking to me over some guy with a shitty mustache, I would take that shit to heart.
I genuinely find her vibe of wanting to look and sound like a 10-year-old girl a little… unsettling. There’s something weird about someone who looks like they’re 14 years old singing, “I’ve got a fetish for your love.” We don’t need actual teenage girls captioning their Instagram pics with that, either. Also, that’s not how fetishes work, but I suppose that’s neither here nor there.
I routinely have nightmares about the “Bad Liar” music video. It’s the one where she dresses her very skinny, feminine body in “drag” (reverse drag?) like a creepy gym teacher and then furiously writhes in the mirror for 10 minutes until I faint out of discomfort.
Let us also not forget the crazy stalker video for “Hands To Myself,” where she breaks into a dude’s house and rolls around in his bed in her underwear until she is literally arrested. (Sidenote: Wasn’t that what got Lorna sent to prison on Orange is the New Black?) I cannot think of a more disturbing message to send to her fanbase of feral teenage girls than apparently “stalking is sexy and fun!”
But really, my main beef with Selena is really that she is so totally boring. Rumor has it that during interviews, reporters are banned from asking about anything tabloid related and especially Bieber related. So basically she repeats that she’s just like, a down-home girl from Texas and talks about her kidney transplant for an hour?
I don’t know about you, but I’m more likely to invest in a celebrity who stands for something. Or in Selena’s case, for anything. If all this fame really stemmed from her starring in a Disney show, I’m gonna keep rooting for Hilary Duff’s world takeover.
There are only six weeks left this year, and most of 2017 has been a big mess. From our tragic political situation to basically everyone you know and love being a sexual predator, the good moments have seemed few and far between. At this point, we’ll take whatever we can get, which is why today we’re discussing the reunion of one of our most iconic celebrity couples: Justin Bieber and Selena Gomez. After Selena and The Weeknd broke up, she was spotted going to breakfast and church with Justin not long after. And just yesterday, they were photographed kissing at Justin’s hockey game.
You might not love Justin. You might not love Selena. But deep down, you know that they just sort of belong with each other. It’s not like they can’t be apart, but some force of nature always seems to pull them back together. We’re completely sucked in, and it turns out there’s a scientific reason why.
Cosmo enlisted some psychologists to tell us why we care so much, and tbh, they read us like a book. They talked about how Justin and Selena represent the romantic first love that never actually works out for real people, like how you thought you’d be with your high school boyfriend forever but didn’t make it past Thanksgiving your freshman year of college. They also delved in to how Justin is the bad boy, and we just want Selena to make him better. “She appears to soften him and redeem some of the rougher edges of his character. In turn, it gives consumers ‘hope’ that true love can conquer all,” Dr. Azadeh Aalai told Cosmo. No, shut up, we’re not crying. We’re not sure what these psychologists do in their actual careers, but they should also consider writing #Jelena fan fiction in their spare time.
All of this goes a long way toward explaining why we all about lost our damn minds when Selena traded in The Weeknd for her old flame. They seem to be spending lots of time together, but will it last this time?
If history repeats itself, the answer will obviously be no. Justin has a clear history of bad boy tendencies, and Selena will have to decide if she wants to stick around through another one of his douchebag phases. She could basically date any guy in the world, so Justin will really have to work to earn her trust again. We also have to remember that Selena was dating The Weeknd literally less than a month ago, so there’s a chance that Justin could just be a rebound for her. She knows he still loves her, and it’s nice to feel loved. It’s too soon to know if that shit will last, but we’ll obviously be paying close attention.
Another question that remains to be answered is how public Jelena 2.0 will be. In the past, they’ve kissed on red carpets, openly dedicated (many) songs to each other, and talked in interviews about their relationship. But in 2017, things are happening a little more discretely. We all know they’ve been hanging out together, but there have been no sensual Instagram pics or anything yet. A good indicator will be the American Music Awards this Sunday, where Selena is set to perform live for the first time in over a year. She’ll surely be nervous, and maybe having Justin there with her will be just what she needs? As long as she doesn’t cry onstage, we’ll take it.
We may not know if Jelena will be around forever, but at least Justin and Selena have given us something to talk about that’s not Donald Trump. In 2017, that’s basically all we ask for. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go listen to Selena’s entire discography to look for clues.