Bekah M. Is Roasting Arie On Social Media & It’s The Best Thing Ever

If you missed Monday night’s shocking Bachelor finale, you might not know yet that Arie Luyendyk Jr. is literally the scum of the earth. Oh wait, we’ve all known that for weeks now. But after the first part of the finale, it’s no question that Arie will go down in Bachelor history as one of the biggest fuckboys of all time. LOL that a year ago we were all complaining about Nick, but we didn’t know just how much worse things could get. Simpler times, when our biggest complaint was Vanessa being a huge bitch who obviously wasn’t there for the right reasons.

While you were busy posting hot takes on Twitter, the women who know Arie best were equally disgusted by his behavior. No one had more to say about the nightmare finale than our sweet little woodland creature Bekah M. Though she’s only a young child of 22, we’ve discussed that Bekah has the highest emotional maturity of anyone this season, and that includes calling Arie on his bullshit. Bekah suffered through the finale with her fellow week seven Arie victim Seinne (and hopefully a laaaaarge bottle of wine), and they both wasted absolutely no time roasting Arie all over social media.

Baby Bekah and I just cringed through the most painful ending in Bachelor history live with the East Coast. West Coast, make sure you’re tuning in! It’s truly like nothing you’ve seen before! #thebachelor

A post shared by Seinne Celeste Fleming ???? (@seinnefleming) on

Seinne kept things civil in her Insta caption, just calling the ending “painful,” and telling everyone on the West Coast to watch like the good ABC advertisement that she is. Bekah, on the other hand, wasn’t in the mood to hold back.

Um, yeah, who the fuck snuck into my apartment and took this photo of me!? Have you no respect for my privacy??  Like Bekah M., I am truly appalled at Arie’s behavior, but she has a little more personal experience with it.

Is there anything better on the internet than Bekah screaming out her support for the other Becca? I think not. Sorry Oprah, but Bekah M. for President. Oh wait, she won’t be old enough to run until 2032. Ha ha ha Bekah you are tiny sweet baby, why do you need love!!!

As if Arie wasn’t a big enough fuckboy on the TV show, he also decided to slide into Bekah M.’s DMs, which is both so confusing and also just like no?

Okay, so the milk carton meme from when Bekah M. was reported missing is literally incredible, but Arie, why the FUCK are you messaging our little fragile child? You dumped her on national TV, leave the girl alone. He also DMed her a photo, presumably from a high school dance or some shit, with the creepy message that she was born the same year as his first 2-on-1. Excuse me while I call the police and Child Protective Services. Bekah really just needs to block Arie just like he blocked us, because there is nothing good coming out of that relationship.

So we’ll obvi be watching tonight to see if Arie ultimately ends up with Lauren, but for her sake she should stay far away. We love you Bekah M., keep doing the Lord’s work and don’t let Arie get within 500 feet of you.

Images: ABC; @seinnefleming / Instagram; @whats_ur_sign_ / Twitter (4)

Why ‘The Bachelor’ Isn’t Fun Anymore

Once upon a time, in the early innocent days of pre-2017, The Bachelor was fun, plain and simple. At its worst, The Bachelor was overly staged or flat—now, The Bachelor feels like an oddly painful chore. Is it because a man whose name sounds like a slug falling out of your mouth plays the lead? Maybe—Arie is fundamentally lacking in charm, to say the least. But we Bachelor fans survived (multiple!) seasons of Nick Viall. In television or otherwise, we’ve seen more than our share of lackluster men and not tuned out entirely. So, why does this particular season feel so bad? Why, more than ever, does continuing to watch The Bachelor feel like an indefensible choice? I’ve outlined a few theories below.

 

It’s A Little Too Real

 

The Bachelor operates with a fundamentally fascinating premise. Other reality shows require interest in a certain set of people, or industry. The Bachelor is relatable to all, since nearly everyone attempts/fails at finding love at some point in life. The Bachelor, ideally, plays out a personal drama with all the caveats of a car commercial. Closed course. Professional driver. Do not attempt. You need to see a gamified version of love, with right moves and wrong moves and people who are more skilled at getting romantic attention than other people. That’s the sport that we’re watching.

Unfortunately, that’s also now the sport that we’re playing. In college, you either avoid parts of campus or accept that you’ll see Friday’s hookup with someone else on Saturday. On Hinge, you’re excited at a match—then you realize he’s matched with every friend you have in the zip code. If you get a late text, you expect that it’s going out, unchanged, to multiple girls. How is TV any different? Even Bachelor contestants seem more real, populating your Instagram feed with FaceTuned versions of their daily lives. As the circumstances seem less artificial, we feel the personal anxiety return. When Dean picks D-Lo, we feel a gut-punch of recognition. When Rachel picks Bryan, we feel cheated out of the fantasy this TV show was engineered to produce. OF COURSE Rachel and Peter couldn’t have worked out in reality—but since when was that ever the point?

Peter: I can’t marry you, I barely know you.

America:

 

 

Women Deal With Enough

 

I can’t speak to the rest of ABC’s viewership, but somewhere around the Cheeto-in-Chief’s inauguration, I stopped enjoying watching women who were set up to fail try really, really hard to succeed. And The Bachelor, by definition, relies on every woman going after the gold. Even when the gold has less charisma than a raw potato with googly eyes. Even when they bring in so many women on the first night that most of them know they’ll go home. While I’ve happily yelled, “CRAWL FOR IT, BITCHES” at previous iterations of night-one desperation, that feels wrong now. Reality TV is too confused with reality. The same emotion that brought me to my first-ever political march in 2017 has sullied my ability to watch the coerced humiliation of women with an uncritical eye.

 

Do I have a personal attachment to someone like Lauren B, who seems alternately mean-spirited and completely negligible, like a wasp with a broken leg? No. But I can’t in good conscience say she deserves her heart broken—or worse, ending up with Arie.

TL;DR: In an effort to counteract America’s funhouse mirror-inspired standards for women, I’ve had to check my own. Unfairly judging women is less fun when you’re living a Black Mirror episode of the political ramifications.

Arie: *breathes near a woman*

Me:

 

Seriously, Arie Sucks

 

Yes, Arie could never have tanked the Bachelor franchise all on his own. But it sure doesn’t help that at a moment of national frustration, ABC handed us such a weak-ass prize. I haven’t seen a lowering of standards for the women. Jacqueline and Seinne are accomplished, cultured, and ambitious. Bekah and Tia are vibrant, warm, and earnest. Becca K and Lauren B are…well, apparently exactly what Arie wants, which is the skill being tested here anyway, so good for them. But every one of these women is put in a demeaning position by even appearing on this show, because they’re contractually obligated to compete below their rank. It’s like when they put Kenny in the ring with Arie early on. Kenny would have looked like an idiot if he did anything other than smash Arie into the ground repeatedly, and (god bless) that’s exactly what he did.

These contestants, because they’re so far out of Arie’s league, are put in the ring with Arie and made to pretend he can beat them. They’re playing out a much darker game than “what if falling in love had game show rules.” They’re playing out “what if falling in love had game show rules and also all the good men died.” The Bachelor should provide a chance at a genuinely great catch (for example, the male equivalent of Rachel). Putting them up against Arie just another demonstration of the very real difference in caliber of male vs. female candidates for any given role. (I’m talking about the election again here, and also kind of about how all your amazing friends date such shitty guys. Why is that?) It’s not fair, and it’s definitely not fun to watch.

 

At the end of the day, I’m too enamored with the vision of a really good version of this show to fully tune out. I want an IRL Prince Charming, and all kinds of women falling for him at once, and everyone trying and failing to stay two steps ahead of their emotions. This Bachelor is nothing more than a dry microcosm of our own frustrations, and ABC needs to stop letting the only “fantasy” element of this franchise be in the contestants’ enthusiasm for Tuscan architecture. When reality looks like 2018, stop trying to make reality TV more real.

 

Images: Shutterstock; Giphy (3)

 

 

Who Will Win Arie’s Season Of ‘The Bachelor’ Based Off The Contestants’ Instagrams

The Bachelor doesn’t premiere for another two weeks or so (yes, I could do the math but no, I won’t because I’m too lazy), but the speculation train is just getting started since ABC released the cast of Instagram models ladies vying for Arie’s love. I already broke down my thoughts and feelings on each and every one of them, and so did Jared Fried. But the question remains: Who’s going to win the prize of a Neil Lane diamond ring that’s been put on layaway Arie’s heart? The answer, for now, can only be found through Instagram. And, I guess, Reality Steve—but again, that’s no fun. So I did some serious internet stalking, and here’s who I think will win The Bachelor, and who will lose, based on their current IG presence. Before we get started, I’d just like to say that I’m not going to judge everyone, because there are 30 of them and I don’t have the time for that. I’ll just tackle the highs and the lows—who I think will be major players, and who will go the way of Mohit and get eliminated on the first night after getting blackout and screaming “Nooo!” from a distance while watching one of the contestants score a kiss.

Bibiana

Let’s start with Bibiana, because she’s the most interesting. Namely, her profile is private. This points to one of two possibilities: Either she’s really here for the right reasons and makes it pretty far in the competition and maybe even wins and is preemptively protecting her and Arie’s privacy, OR she does or says something extremely bad and gets sent home early on because of it. No other in-between is possible; I can’t wait to see which option it is. I’m kind of rooting for the latter because I’m a garbage human.

Bibiana The Bachelor

Jenna

I think Jenna will do pretty well in the competition for a few reasons. One, she’s blonde, and we know Arie has a penchant for Barbie lookalikes. Two, Jenna’s Instagram is a pretty healthy mix between blatant promotion and real pictures of her life, friends, home-cooked meals, etc. She’s got aspirations of shilling hair vitamins, but she’s pretty down-to-earth despite that. However, looking at Jenna’s IG, one thing becomes clear: She really fucking loves North Carolina. I predict that being a problem when Arie asks if she’d ever relocate to Arizona for him and she answers that question by going on about Raleigh for five solid minutes. He’ll send her home after winning a two-on-one date when he realizes she’ll never leave her hometown.

Jenna Bachelor

Bekah M

I did an in-depth review of Bekah’s Instagram, and I’m not going to rehash the same shit I said there, but basically, I see Bekah M getting eliminated on the second night. She’s different enough to make it past the first rose ceremony on the interesting factor alone, but not any farther than that. Personally, I love the pixie cut, but Arie just does not seem like the type of guy who’s down with an alternative artsy chick. Second of all, we’ve pretty definitively concluded that she’s 22 years old. I know Arie likes younger women, but there’s just no way he could keep a 22-year-old around on The Bachelor and live it down. 

Bekah Martinez Bachelor

Caroline

I personally think there’s a strong chance Caroline will win. She’s gorgeous, she’s funny (peep her captions), and she’s like, a nice person—her Insta story today was a swipe up to donate for Alzheimer’s research. (Please don’t tell the guy I’m dating about my Instagram habits.) Anyway, Caroline is an Instagram model (plus for Arie) who at least seems self-aware (plus for us, the viewers). Am I just saying all this, including that she will win, because she looks like a hotter Vanessa? Maybe.

Caroline Lunny

Kendall

Kendall is that hot girl who eats a slice of pizza and thinks she’s quirky for doing it. But I think her “guy’s girl who’s clearly just a hot girl who’s out of touch with what women actually like” image will get her pretty far in this competition. She’ll probably like, drop one fact about car racing and Arie will jizz his pants. Also, Kendall has a twin named Kylie. Yes, this is true. No, I don’t know what to do with that information, but I assume Arie will find out at some point, so you know Kendall will at least stick around until hometowns.

Kendall Bachelor

Nysha

See, I personally respect Nysha’s no-thirst-trap approach to Instagram, but I have a feeling that Arie won’t. Her pictures are mostly selfies and memes—which, again, let me reiterate that I fully support—but you’d think that if she even made it decently far into the competition she’d have hooked herself up with a photographer and gotten a few modeling shots up by now. I think Nysha gets eliminated night one because she’s kept her IG too low-key for me to think otherwise. Also, as of 14 hours ago she is still a nurse—so yeah, she definitely packs it in on the first elimination. Good for you, Nysha. Don’t quit your day job. Seriously, the world doesn’t need more FitTea, but we definitely have no shortage of nurses.

Nysha Norris THe Bachelor

Seinne

I’m conflicted about Seinne. On the one hand, pretty much every photo is from a photoshoot. It’s not a bad thing per se, but it does give me a clue that they probably would have applied to be on The Bachelor regardless of who the Bachelor was. On the other hand, Seinne is gorgeous. I’m not really sure how I feel about the “mind | body | soul” bio, but she seems pretty likable—she has a group pic with a bunch of the contestants—and again, is gorgeous. I think she’ll do pretty well. And now if you’ll excuse me, I’ll be looking at Seinne’s abs while shame-eating garlic bread.

Seinne Fleming Bachelor

That’s all I really have the time or desire to roast today. I did want to mention Marikh and Olivia, who I think will make it decently far because I get the impression that they have big personalities. But I also know that if I delve any further into these Instagram profiles, I’m going to end up breaking down all 30 of them. Therefore, I’m going to quit while I’m ahead. If I am correct about any of these predictions, you all owe me $5.