If 2016 was the year of realizing stuff, then 2017 was the year of realizing politics is totally fucked. I mean, what can you expect when the year literally started with a reality T.V. star becoming president? In honor of the truly insane year that was 2017, The Betches Sup is counting down some of it’s most insane political moments. No, this doesn’t include everything. We’re not writing a novel. We’ll leave that to Hillary.
5. The Mooch’s 10 Day White House Job
Like any fuckboy who has ever disappointed you in bed, Anthony Scaramucci talked a big game, but ultimately finished too early. The Mooch was only Communications Director for 10 days before getting fired after being fired for telling a reporter that then Chief of Staff Reince Priebus was “a fucking paranoid schizophrenic” and that Trump advisor/bloated bog corpse Steve Bannon was “trying to suck his own cock.”
TBH I’ve said worse in college when a game of pong wasn’t going my way but like, I’m not White House Communications Director.
4. The Roy Moore Fake Accuser Scandal
Lol remember how Alabama almost elected an alleged pedophile to the Senate? Good times. One of the low-key most insane things that happened during this election (apart from the time Roy Moore rode a horse to the polls), was when Project Veritas, a group best known for filming rightwing sting operations that will eventually end up on your crazy aunt Grace’s Facebook feed, tried to trick the Washington Post. Long story short, hilarity ensued, and we have an amazing article that will tell you all about it.
3. The Time Trump Looked Directly Into The Eclipse
In the days before the eclipse, I feel like I saw a thousand comedians on Twitter joking about how Trump will look into the eclipse. Then the eclipse came, and he literally did it. TBH, in many ways, Trump is literally perfect:
2(A). The Time Trump Called Kim Jong Un Fat On Twitter
“Back in my day, world leaders tweeted insults at each other to solve problems” – Us to our grandkids in 2057 (if North Korea doesn’t kill us all). Who could forget the time President Donald Trump literally tweeted that Kim Jong Un was fat, in the most Mean Girls way ever:
This is the political equivalent of being like, “Omg not to call Becca a skank but like, she’s been sleeping with a lot of guys lately…”
2(B). The Time Trump Tried To @ British Prime Minister Theresa May But @‘ed Some Random Woman Instead
In a similarly
fantastic disturbing, President Trump attempted to roast British Prime Minister Theresa May but @‘ing her on Twitter, but instead just @‘ed some random British lady with the same name who only had 6 followers. RIP Other Theresa May’s mentions. I’m sure they’ll never be the same.
1. The Time Ted Cruz Liked A Porn Tweet
Lol, I mean, who could forget the time Senator/least-popular-person-in-any-room Ted Cruz accidentally liked porn? Sure, he *says* it was liked by a staffer, but that begs the question…why are your staffers liking porn? Who LIKES porn. You just look at it, do your business, and GTFO. No need for the public declaration.
Honorable Mention: Anything involving Sean Spicer
TBH, it would be impossible to pick just one Spicey moment for this list. Whether it be his tweets about Dippin Dots, the time the internet found his venmo, or just his disastrous first press conference that was immortalized by Melissa McCarthy, Sean Spicer was kind of the Snooki of the White House. Did we support him as a person? Nah. But did we love to watch his antics? Omfg yes.
Want more insane political moments? We ran down everything on The Sup Live, Betches’ new political talk show that airs Thursdays at 1:30pm EST on Facebook and Insta Story. It’s just a couple cool people who want to talk politics and you’d better be one of them, beyotch.
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Spring has arrived which means it’s time to trade in our all black outfits for different black outfits, and more importantly, to stay on trend with the latest resting betch faces. While last season was all about mid-winter depression and post-election angst, this season is all about showcasing how warmer temperatures equal less fucks given. We’re bringing you five of our favorite new scowls for an RBF update that will have you looking bitter and better than ever.
1. Danielle Bregoli AKA “Cash Me Outside”
Danielle became a viral meme earlier this year when she went on Dr. Phil and threatened to fight an entire studio audience, whom she referred to as a bunch of hoes. Naturally, the response is that everyone fucking loves her and she now gets paid $40,000 to show up at events because it’s 2017 and God isn’t real. As a certified juvenile delinquent, the “howbow dah” girl sports RBF that feels like an instant classic, no matter how badly you want it to just go away already, and will pair well with any casual ensemble and extreme sense of entitlement this season.
2. Sean Spicer
Press Secretary Spicer has quickly become the angriest looking person in D.C., and it’s not just because you could land an airplane on the bags under his eyes. Spicey’s facial expressions, even when he’s not speaking, are filled with a vitriol only experienced by someone forced to commit political suicide everyday as part of their job. He’s 100% dead inside, and 100% a must-have in your wardrobe.
These days Lorde is extremely excited about releasing the smash hit “Green Light” off her new album, but you’d never know it by looking at her. That’s because her face naturally emanates hate beams for miles and actually has the power to kill people. Her sleek RBF look is best worn for a night out on the town and is guaranteed to elicit a worried “What’s wrong? Are you mad at me?” from everyone who crosses your path.
4. Grayson Allen
Pretty much everyone who follows college basketball hates Duke’s shooting guard Grayson Allen, but not as much as he loathes us and life in general. Allen is known for tripping his opponents and consistently demonstrating the opposite of good sportsmanship, all while flaunting his signature death stare. With Duke’s crushing loss in the NCAA tournament still so fresh, this look is literally all the rage.
5. Blue Ivy at the Grammys
Holy god damn. The world has never seen a 5-year-old harder and fiercer than Blue Ivy Carter, not that we’re surprised in the least since she’s the offspring of demi-god Beyoncé. At this year’s Grammy Awards she sported a $3,000 pink Gucci tuxedo and made everyone from James Corden to Nick Jonas feel inferior with her devastating shade. Wear it out of solidarity for Lemonade, or just wear it because you’re a fucking badass. Either way, everyone needs to be sporting the Blue Ivy betch face this spring.
Over the past couple weeks, President Cheeto and his loyal band of cronies have really thrown this whole country, fuck—the whole world, for a loop. There’s the whole immigration ban thing, and the fact that all of his cabinet nominees are as qualified for their jobs as that time your sorority lush ran for risk management chair. But one of my personal faves (and by faves I mean how tf is this even real rn) is Kellyanne Conway and her alternative facts.
If you’ve been living under a rock, this whole alternative facts business came to be when Kellyanne told a reporter that one of the press secretary’s blatant lies—in this case, that the size of Emperor Velveeta’s inauguration crowd was yuge, the biggest crowd ever—wasn’t a lie, but rather an alternative fact. Lol, what? Now, the fact that a counselor to the leader of the free world is saying this is v alarming. But for a betch, the term alternative fact is low-key the greatest thing to ever happen. I can imagine the Real Housewives screaming it on the reunion couches as we speak. So without further ado, here are our top 10 lies that we’re now deeming alternative facts. You’re Fucking. Welcome.
1. Pizza Is Really Good For You
Congress long ago declared pizza to be a vegetable—thanks, Congress! Scientists are still gathering evidence on the link between pizza consumption and IQ level, but since we’re living in Trump’s alternate reality let’s just go ahead and assume that pizza is also empirically considered to be knowledge.
2. Watching Netflix While Your Boss Isn’t Looking Will Earn You That Promotion
People like to work with people they can relate to. While you’re at it, you should probably accidentally drunk text your boss to “come overrrrr.”
3. Going To The Gym Will Make You Fatter
It’s like this: only fat people expend effort at the gym to stay skinny, ergo, going to the gym makes you fat. You should just go home and watch a Vanderpump Rules marathon.
4. You Can Totally Afford To Order Seamless Every Night
You make a whopping $40K before taxes so like, live it up. Speaking of taxes, the president doesn’t even pay his, so why should you?
5. Hangovers Aren’t Real
Much like the melting polar ice caps and racism, hangovers are just a figment of the liberal media’s imagination. Drinking your weight in wine and/or vodka isn’t going to make you do regrettable things or feel like shit tomorrow, so drink up.
6. Vodka Is A Vegetable
Vodka is distilled from potatoes. Potatoes are a vegetable. Therefore, vodka is officially salad. And if you’ve combined it with pizza? You’re practically burning calories. Furthermore, as we’ve previously discussed, it will not give you a hangover. So if you need me, I’ll be hooking myself up to a vodka IV drip.
7. If You Leave Your Laundry Alone Long Enough, It Will Wash And Fold Itself
It’s just like your mom always said: You need to wait for the magical laundry fairies to take care of it for you, you lazy piece of shit.
8. He Isn’t Texting You Back Because He Lost His Phone
Actually, it broke. He dropped it down the toilet. After he downloaded a virus that made his replies to you—and only to you—mysteriously not send. Really, he just got scared by how hard he fell for you. And who wouldn’t, when you’re so intimidatingly beautiful?
9. Your Ex Will Wake Up Tomorrow And Realize How Much He Fucked Up
Expect a long, detailed, almost poetic apology detailing all the ways in which he didnt appreciate you, as well as a promise that no one will ever measure up to you. He’ll close with an admission that he will be living a lifetime of regret.
10. This Really Is Just A Horribly Vivid Nightmare, And We’ll All Wake Up Any Minute Now
And Hillary will be president. Or Bernie. Or Elizabeth Warren. Or even Romney, shit. McCain?