Confessions Of An Overnight Broke Person

When I ordered Seamless last night, I theoretically knew there were only two exit paths — either I would talk myself into cooking the perishing groceries in my fridge and exit out of the online ordering app, or $40 would exit from my wallet. I didn’t really think about it when I started adding various specialty sushi rolls to my cart. I thought that it would cost a little bit, maybe $20. You don’t think much about $20; it’s not life-changing. After seeing how much I was throwing into my cart with reckless abandon, my roommate said, “You know that’s going to cost you like, $70 right?” I thought she was delusional. Then, I hit “proceed to checkout.” That’s how I learned my dinner order was going to run me $83.67 before tip.

It’s not purely a celebratory time. Sure, I’ve temporarily alleviated the responsibility of having to cook my own meal like a functioning adult, but it’s a stressful time, too, because of the constant decisions. Is 16 rolls enough, or will I still be hungry after? I’m always hungry like, an hour after I eat sushi. Should I get an appetizer of edamame? Do I sub out a dragon for a California roll, or is that embarrassingly basic?

Of course, once I saw the total, I had a brief moment where I asked myself, should I even be doing this? That’s like, 6 months of Netflix — or maybe 5 since they keep upping the price. I don’t know. But then I considered the alternatives: opening that can of black beans that I bought “in case of emergency”, which would require wiping off the film of dust that’s collected on top of it; figuring out what to do with said black beans; maybe boiling water for some pasta? And then pretending like eating plain pasta and canned beans with a spoon is a normal and not at all sad meal. I should really invest in a rice cooker.

There are things that rich people do, and from what I’ve learned from watching Arrested Development from my roommate’s ex’s Netflix account, pretending like your problems will go away if you ignore them is one of them. So I hit “place order” on my small army-sized portion of sushi, not thinking about how it would bring my checking account balance to $2.94 and especially not thinking about the birthday drinks I promised my friend I’d go to on Friday. I resolved to sell some of the clothes I don’t wear that much on Poshmark to make up the difference—“gently used” is subjective, right?

At this point in my life, nothing is going to change. What would I do differently, aside from budget, exercise self-control, or say no to social obligations? I’m only having as much fun as my peers are. So if they’re going to brunch, why shouldn’t I go to brunch? Never mind the student loan debt I’ve barely made a dent in despite making the minimum payments for eight years. (Talk about not thinking much about $200,000.) I keep a shrine in my closet to President Biden and pray every day for him to forgive student loan debt, so I’m doing my part.

What would I really do with the money aside from pay my bills or donate to my 401(k) that, similarly to my emergency black beans, is also collecting dust? It’s not like I’m ever going to be able to afford to buy a house. And even if I could, Williamsburg feels like it has peaked and is going downward. I walk my dog at 1pm, and I pass like, two different açaí bowl places that have closed down. I think that’s unsustainable. Shit, that reminds me—I forgot to pay the premium on my dog’s health insurance this month. Hope he doesn’t need any serious dental surgeries.

Guess I’ll have to open up a dating app and line up a few dinners for next week. Most of my friends are getting married or having kids, and I guess I should technically be looking for someone I could bring as a plus-one to their weddings, but my more immediate concern is finding a plus-one for happy hour on Thursday.

What’s that saying, you can’t take it with you? At the end of the day, even if I did get to a point where I was somehow making a lot of money (like maybe I won the lottery?), I could just lose it all. Isn’t that what happened with Yahoo? It was the darling company in the 90s and know I don’t know if it exists. I think about Yahoo constantly, but not enough to have ever typed it into the address bar of my laptop, phone, or tablet to see if it’s still around. I guess I could look that up. Hey Google…

Images: JP Valery / Unsplash

Which Celebrity Has The Most Ridiculous Postmates Orders?

Of all the modern technology that improves our lives on a daily basis, I think my favorite category of invention is the food delivery app. Services like Postmates, Uber Eats, and Seamless combine all of my favorite activities: food, being lazy, and spending too much time on my phone. Other than the fact that the delivery fees drain my bank account, what’s not to love? While having unlimited funds for my Postmates habit is basically my dream, it’s a reality for some of our favorite celebrities. Who has the craziest Postmates orders? Let’s find out.

Cara Delevingne

Postmates has a series called “The Receipt,” where they profile a famous person and their ordering habits. The latest subject is Cara Delevingne, who is an icon of thick eyebrows, and also apparently of ordering food. She placed her first Postmates order on Halloween in 2014 (for a bottle of Jack Daniels), and since then she’s spent more than $25,000 on the app.

Among Cara’s top ten spots to order from are Taco Bell, Domino’s and…Sephora? Interesting choice, considering makeup companies probably send her free sh*t left and right, but I guess even supermodels have to buy their own Fenty Beauty products. Just to prove that she’s rich, she also had AirPods delivered last week. Props to Cara for figuring out a way to avoid spending seven hours at the Apple Store. The most expensive thing she’s ever ordered was a $326 vacuum cleaner, which I hate to admit that I’m jealous of.

$25,000 obviously sounds like a lot of money, but if you do the math, that’s like $15 a day since October 2014. I feel confident that Cara can afford that, and I’m seriously tempted to commit to that lifestyle myself. Am I going to end up with a mountain of debt? Maybe.

Kylie Jenner

At the end of 2018, Postmates published an article about all of Kylie Jenner’s orders, and I really learned a lot. They revealed that Kylie spent $10,000 on deliveries last year, which sounds like a lot, but isn’t all that shocking, given that $10,000 probably means to her what $100 means to me, and that I’ve spent way more than $100 on Postmates in the past year. Kylie’s most-ordered item was a cream cheese bagel, because apparently carbs and dairy have no affect on her. I’m not jealous.

My favorite stat about Kylie’s ordering is that she once ordered four times within 10 minutes:

2:07 PM, 6-pack macaron ice cream sandwiches from Milk
2:11 PM, penne Bolognese from Mauro’s Café at Fred Segal
2:13 PM, taquitos, Mexican rice, enchiladas and a tostada salad from Casita del Campo
2:17 PM, truffle “Impossible Burger” from Umami Burger

I know she was getting food at the set of a photo shoot, but it still sounds ridiculous. Her Postmates total will probably be a lot lower this year, considering that she’ll no longer be ordering food for Jordyn Woods all the time.

John Legend

Postmates also did a post about John Legend’s ordering habits, but I’m a little disappointed that they didn’t tell us how much he’s spent overall. It’s probably more than I make in a year, considering that he’s ordered over 600 times. He’s also ordered in 27 different cities, as opposed to Kylie Jenner, who barely leaves her mansion in Calabasas. I now know for sure that John is the man of my dreams, because he once ordered $700 of sushi from Nobu. Why isn’t this my life?

It looks like Chrissy Teigen and John Legend actually share an account, so some of the more bizarre orders on the account are definitely from Chrissy. For example, she once accidentally ordered 25 bottles of A1 steak sauce, so that’s relatable. Honestly, I might move to LA and become a Postmates driver just so I have a chance of meeting Chrissy Teigen.

apparently if u put in "5" under quantity on Postmates AND say "5 bottles!" in the description, they…get you 25. I thought FIVE was a lot pic.twitter.com/ASW44SBQOH

— christine teigen (@chrissyteigen) September 22, 2017

Post Malone

Say what you will about Post Malone, but he’s definitely way richer than all of us. Back in October, TMZ reported that Post had spent over $40,000 on Postmates in the past year, which is…truly wild. I’ve always suspected Post Malone and I had something and common, and I finally figured it out: most of his delivery orders were from fast food restaurants like Popeyes, KFC, and Burger King. On one occasion, he specifically asked Chick-Fil-A to send “the largest nugget tray they had.” A man after my own heart, truly. After all that drunk food, Post Malone also used Postmates to prepare for the ensuing hangover, once ordering three bottles of grape Pedialyte. Respect.

Post Malone, and also me:
So the moral of the story is that all of these celebrities are rich and can order whatever the f*ck they want on Postmates. Must be nice. My initial plan was to totally roast Post Malone and co. for their ordering habits, but I would definitely do the same thing if I had that kind of money. But also, who am I kidding, I’ve ordered food three times in the last week. RIP my bank account, it’s been real.

Images: Giphy (2); @chrissyteigen / Twitter